That moment bothered Brian all night long, and into the next morning. Over and over his mind kept repeating the conversation he and AJ had shared, and the look that had been on AJ’s face. There was something there, something he was missing. But what it was, he couldn’t seem to figure out. He knew that AJ wasn’t going to discuss it. At one point during the night he’d tried to ask him but AJ had instantly started to distract him. By the time that Brian remembered it again they were both snuggled down and AJ was sleeping against his side.
But he stayed awake, and he wondered about it. If AJ wasn’t going to tell him, and he couldn’t figure it out himself, than there was only one person that Brian could think of to talk to. Howie. If there was anyone who would know what was inside AJ’s head and what had set this off then it would be his best friend. The hard part would be convincing him to talk about it. But seeing as how Howie knew the truth about his and AJ’s relationship at the moment, he was hoping that maybe he would be more amenable to helping him.
Why it was so important, Brian couldn’t have said. That was something else he was thinking hard about. He didn’t know why it was so important to him. Yes, he wanted to be AJ’s friend, and fixing this was the only way they would be able to accomplish that. That was the excuse he gave himself. But underneath it there was more that he didn’t want to look in to. If he did, it would be admitting to himself things that he wasn’t ready to admit.
AJ would be furious with him if he found out that he was talking to Howie about this. It would make him absolutely livid. But Brian convinced himself as he walked down the hall to Howie’s room that AJ would eventually understand. That should have been his first warning that he wasn’t thinking clearly.
But his determination to find out what was wrong was strong in him. Enough so that it carried him to Howie’s room that morning, ignoring the voice in the back of his head that told him to try to talk to AJ again. To let this go, even. It tried to tell him that when AJ woke up, he would be furious. Beyond angry. Pushing those thoughts down, he knocked on the door and waited for Howie to answer.
After a moment the door opened and Howie was there, coffee cup in hand. “Oh, hey Rok. What’s up?”
“You got a few minutes to spare? I wanted to talk to you.”
A look passed in Howie’s eyes. Taking a deep breath, he nodded and opened the door wider to allow him in. Brian went inside, trying to not let his nerves get the better of him. This was important. He needed to know. He had to know. That need filled him, blocking out all other thought. It was so strong that he barely waited until Howie had shut the door and come inside his room-thankfully he had the single this time-before talking. “I need to know what you know about why AJ hates me so much.”
Instantly Howie froze, his face turning extremely guarded. He lowered his cup, which had been halfway to his lips. “This is something you should talk to AJ about.” He answered slowly.
“I’m asking you, Howie, because he won’t tell me. He says he’ll move on, that it’s the past and should stay there. But I don’t think he and I can go anywhere until it’s figured out and dealt with, whatever it may be.” Folding his arms across his chest much as AJ was known to do, Brian leveled a stern look at Howie and waited. He was not going to leave this room without the information that he needed.
Frustration grew on Howie’s face. He walked over to the counter where the coffee pot was and put his cup on to the countertop. Brian waited impatiently. He wanted to know what was going on. He deserved to know what it was he had supposedly done. This was important. Yet again a small part of his mind questioned why it was so important. Normally he would have left by now, or not come at all. He would never have pressed an issue that so obviously was sensitive to the other person. But he had to know.
“I don’t think I should tell you.” Turning, Howie shocked him by having a slight glare on his face. “Honestly, I don’t really want to even talk about this with you. I like you, Bri, and you’re a good friend, but when it comes to this, you don’t want me involved.”
“I’m not asking you to be involved. I’m asking you to tell me whatever it is he thinks I did to piss him off from the very first day!”
“What he thinks you did? What he knows you did is plenty enough, Brian.”
Triumphant and annoyed all at the same time, Brian took a step toward him. “So you do know.” He exclaimed. Reaching a hand out, he took hold of Howie’s arm. “I need to know. If I’m to have any chance at fixing things, I need to know. You know the truth about what’s going on. About us. Please, help me.”
“Why should I?” Howie demanded. Suddenly angry, he yanked his arm away, glaring even harder. “Like I told AJ, I’m not so sure about this relationship. I know you mean well, and you have a great heart, but I don’t want to watch you hurt him again. I don’t want to have to hold him again when he cries because of cutting words you had to say. He’s more fragile than you or anyone realize. You think he’s so tough, but he gets hurt just like anyone else. Underneath all the toughness he’s got a soft heart. You hurt it once. What makes you think I’d help you hurt it again?”
“How can I stop from hurting him again if I don’t know what I did to hurt him the first time?” Brian shouted furiously. His own anger surprised him. Where had that come from? The only person he had ever really shouted at had been AJ. No one else had ever sparked his temper quite the way that AJ had. Yet he felt that temper boiling in him now. Didn’t Howie understand how important this was? He knew; knew the truth of what happened, and was standing here withholding the information from him! “I don’t want to hurt him, Howie. I want to fix this!”
“Then talk to him!” Howie yelled back, storming over to the other side of the room. “Dammit, Bri, don’t put me in this place. This is his and your business, not mine.”
“He won’t tell me! I deserve to know!”
The door to the room suddenly slapped open. Neither man had realized how loudly they’d been shouting or that because of that they had drawn the attention of the others. At the sound of the door opening they both looked over to find AJ standing there, with Kevin and Nick standing behind him in the hallway. It was obvious that AJ had come rushing over straight from their room because he was clad only in Brian’s pajama pants. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Littrell?” AJ demanded. His face was full of fury.
For a single moment Brian thought to himself, oh shit. But the anger in him took over, boiling away everything else. “You won’t tell me a damn thing, so who the hell else was I supposed to ask?”
“What fucking right do you have to go behind my back like this?” AJ shouted, words snapping out like a whip. He walked into the room, every inch of him almost trembling with his temper. The door stayed open behind him, Nick and Kevin standing there with their mouths gaping open. Off to the side of his room Howie was standing with his back to the wall, eyes wide. All of them had heard the two men snip and bicker and taunt before, but none of them had ever seen Brian become this angry.
Brian didn’t care about the rest of them. All of his attention was focused on the man standing in front of him. They walked to one another until they stood almost toe to toe. “I have the right when it involves me and you won’t tell me a single thing!”
“I have my reasons. It’s my right! How dare you presume to override my wishes on something that is my choice to tell?”
“How dare you withhold something from me that I have every right to know? Do you think we’ll ever get past this if you don’t tell me what it is? You can’t wish it to disappear and have it happen! This will always be between us until you talk to me!”
“Don’t you tell me what I can or can’t fucking do, you little shit!” AJ snarled as he pointed a finger in Brian’s face. “If I want to let it go I can fucking well let it go! It was my feelings that got hurt! It was me that was insulted! Not you! So it’s my Goddamn decision to treat the situation how I want to!” To push his point he drilled his finger into Brian’s shoulder.
Brian swatted AJ’s hand away. “One of these days I’m going to break that finger if you don’t stop poking at me with it!”
“You and what fucking army? You think you scare me?” AJ poked him again, and again. “I will do whatever the hell I want until you get the fucking picture that I’m not going to give in just because you demand it!”
Hands raised in the air, Kevin took a cautious step toward them. “Guys, why don’t we calm down to talk about this?”
“Back off!” The two shouted at him. Brian sent his cousin a glare as sharp as the one AJ was wearing. “It’s our business, Kev.” He almost snarled the words. “So butt out!” Neither wasted another moment for the others, turning their faces back to each other and missing the shock on Kevin’s face.
Brian stepped closer so that they were almost touching. His anger was filling him, washing away almost everything else. “You keep this from me and no matter how hard you try to pretend it’s not there I still feel it between us.” He insisted. “We’re better, but it’s never going to be ok until you bring this out in the open and tell me!”
“How can I tell you if I can’t trust you?” AJ screamed at him, throwing his hands up in the air before gesturing to Howie. “I don’t tell you one fucking thing and you bring your Goddamn ass over here and fucking quiz my best friend! Where’s the fucking trust in that?”
“You didn’t trust me before!” Brian shouted back at him. “If you’d trusted me you would have told me already!”
“And I was right!” Poking at Brian’s shoulder again, AJ closed that last inch between them so that their faces were only a half inch apart. “The first time I don’t give you what you want you go and fucking yell at my best friend and try to force him to tell you something I told you I didn’t want you to know!”
This time Brian reached up and grabbed AJ’s hand, holding it tightly. “I am not going to tell you again.” he seethed furiously. “Quit poking me. Now.” He tossed AJ’s hand away. This was so stupid! AJ was making it sound like he was being the biggest jerk in the world when all he was trying to do was figure out what was wrong so that he could fix it. Was that so wrong to want to do? What was wrong with wanting to make something better? To correct whatever it was that he had done wrong.
AJ’s chocolate eyes darkened. “Don’t you fucking threaten me, you little bastard.” His voice was a hiss, low and dangerous. There was a warning there that was obvious to anyone. Too far gone in his anger, Brian ignored it. “I’ll threaten you all I want if you keep it up.”
“Like this?” AJ poked at his shoulder again, that familiar sneer on his face. Something inside of Brian snapped then and before he could stop to think about it he grabbed AJ’s wrist, spun him around and jerked his hand up behind his back. Leaning close to his ear he whispered angrily “I told you to knock it off.” Then he let go, shoving AJ’s hand away from him.
Quick as a flash AJ spun around and planted his hands against Brian’s chest, shoving him back almost a foot. Brian barely managed to keep his feet. Even as he regained his balance AJ was there, right in his face. “Don’t you fucking manhandle me, Littrell! I kicked your ass before and I’ll fucking do it again!”
“You think you scare me?” Brian taunted, pushing him back.
No one in the room moved. They watched with their bodies frozen in complete shock. Never had they seen Brian and AJ fight quite like this. Normally this kind of fighting wasn’t done in front of others. No one had any idea what to do, or if it was even safe to step between them. All they could do was stand and gape at them.
AJ’s hands balled into fists on either side of him. “You go behind my back like this again and I swear to you I will give you a reason to be scared of me. What kind of friend are you that you’d treat me like this?”
“What kind of man are you that you’d deliberately lie to me…”
Whatever else Brian was going to say was cut off when AJ slapped his face. Amazed, Brian brought a hand up to his cheek and stared. In the shocked silence he leaned in close to Brian’s ear and spoke in an angry voice so low that no one else but he could hear. “Just because I let you fuck me, and just because I fuck you, it does not give you the right to treat me no better than a whore. I am a person with my own thoughts and my own feelings. Until you can respect who I am now, how can I trust you to respect what I thought or felt back then? Disregard what I ask of you, go behind my back like this, and you tell me you think me good enough for a lay, but not good enough for your fucking respect.”
He pulled back and gave Brian one final glare before spinning on his heel and marching out of the room. Brian watched him go, all his anger melting away. Guilt was seeping in to take its place. Dear God. Was that what he had been doing? In hindsight he could see clearly everything that he had done wrong. Every moment from waking up to coming to Howie’s to now that he had let his emotions rule him. AJ was right. This wasn’t how you treated someone you respected. This was how you treated a child, or a whore.
“Brian?” Kevin spoke up hesitantly, taking a step into the room, Nick on his heels. “Bri? You ok, cos?”
Shaking his head, Brian looked away from the door and over to his cousin. “Huh?”
Kevin reached a hand out once he was close enough and put it on Brian’s shoulder. “It’s ok, Bri.” He said. His voice and posture radiated gentleness. “You don’t have to go back there. I don’t care what management says. I’ll talk to them and convince them that this isn’t working. It’s just making it worse. Come back to my room with Nick and I. No one’s going to force you to go back there with AJ. Not after he did something like that.”
Confusion had Brian furrowing his brows. What? What on earth was Kevin talking about? “What do you mean, something like that?” he found himself asking.
“He won’t get away with hitting you. It’s all right, Bri. I’ll take care of it all.”
Realization hit Brian and he took a step back, annoyance on his face. “God, Kev, we were just arguing. That’s all. No reason to get so up in arms about it.”
“But he hit you!”
“Well, yeah. I wasn’t thinking clearly.” Brian turned to look at Howie, knowing that he owed his friend an apology. He hadn’t respected Howie any more than he had AJ. “I’m sorry, Howie, that I brought this to you. You were right to tell me no. This is something him and I need to work out. I hope you aren’t too mad at me.”
“I understand, Rok. I really do.” The look on Howie’s face said that he, out of everyone there, did understand. Appreciating it, Brian smiled weakly at him. That slap had really forced him to stop reacting emotionally. His brain was kicking in now, and he couldn’t help but wince a little. God, he had acted like a fool. Not only that, but they had aired the whole thing in front of their friends. He felt his cheeks heating as he thought of all they had said to one another with their friends as an audience.
It was obvious that Kevin and Nick were both confused and concerned. “You sure it’s all ok, Frick?” Nick asked him quietly. He didn’t like seeing Brian be hurt, but he knew that if Brian insisted things were ok then they had to respect that.
“Yeah, Frack. Believe it or not, I was the stupid one. J was right. This is no one else’s business but mine and his.” Sighing, Brian ran a hand through his curls. “Now I better go down there and try to fix this.” He stepped past them all, toward the door. Right as he passed through he paused and turned, looking right to Kevin. “I love you, cos.” He said softly, a flash of that temper sparkling in his eyes for a minute. “But I don’t want to hear that you’re going to make AJ’s life crap over that slap. I was yelling just as bad as him, and trust me, I deserved a whole lot worse than a slap.” With that, he was gone.
~~~~~~~~~~
The three men stood in Howie’s room, staring at the door as it shut. It was Kevin who spoke first, his eyes wide. “What the hell is going on here lately?” He looked over to his other two friends. “Brian’s changing, and I’m not sure I like it. He never yells at anyone. Ever! But now he’s standing here screaming at AJ for everyone to hear, and threatening him and pushing him. Then he tells me he deserved being struck! Deserved it!”
Nick looked just as confused as Kevin was, but Howie had a small smile on his lips. Very softly he said “Maybe he has changed. Maybe I was wrong.”
Curious, Nick looked over at him. “Wrong about what?”
Howie shook his head as if to clear his thoughts before he turned to look at them, that small smile still on his lips. “Brian’s growing up. Personally, I think it’s great. But I won’t tell you two what’s going on, so don’t ask. It’s between them. Step back, guys, and let them solve it.” To their surprise, Howie chuckled. “I think I’m going to have to change my opinions. Maybe he’s right. Things are different now.”