Who the fuck did he think he was? AJ seethed as he paced through his room, kicking his suitcase out of the way. Fucking taking their business, taking it to Howie! Trying to pry information out of him. How fucking disrespectful was that shit? Here he’d been, still sleeping, content after a night of some great fucking sex, and he had to wake up to hear Brian and Howie shouting at one another. Shouting! At Howie!
It had only taken AJ a minute to realize what was going on. Once he had, anger had taken total control. He’d grabbed the first pair of pants within reach, yanked them on, tied them off, and set out to go set his lover straight. There was absolutely no call to do something like that! None!
He hadn’t thought about Kevin and Nick following him, or what they would hear. All he had thought about was his own feelings. So what if that was selfish. It had hurt, to hear Brian in there yelling at Howie in an effort to get information from him! That hurt had been underneath all the anger, fueling it along. It was like he’d told Brian. Whores were treated that way. Good to fuck, but nothing else. No decency, no respect. That was what he had felt like. It had sickened him, and shamed him.
He probably shouldn’t have slapped him, though. Thinking that, AJ rubbed his palm on his pants. It still stung a little. So, yeah, maybe he shouldn’t have slapped him in front of everyone. But, dammit, how was a man supposed to react when his lover asked him what kind of man he was? That had been adding insult to injury.
Furiously AJ kicked at the bed. It was his business if he wanted to tell Brian what happened. No one else’s! So what if he didn’t want to talk about it yet? What had happened had hurt! Didn’t he have a right to not want to bring up something painful? Wasn’t he allowed to feel that way? Or was Brian trying to take away what he could and couldn’t feel, too?
Still in high fury, AJ almost saw red when he heard the hotel room door open. Even as the door shut and Brian stepped into the room, AJ was grabbing the first available thing and throwing it. He watched as Brian barely managed to catch the object, a bible, before it hit his face. “AJ-”
“Don’t you ‘AJ’ me, Littrell!” He screamed at him. Grabbing another object, this time a shoe, he threw that as well. “Get out! I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to even fucking see you right now!”
“AJ, please!”
As more objects flew, Brian deflected them with his hands, coming further and further into the room. AJ kept grabbing whatever he could reach, chucking it at Brian. He didn’t even realize that his eyes were bright with tears.
When Brian got close enough he gave up on defending himself and just jumped at AJ, tackling him to the bed. Instantly AJ started to fight, trying to break himself free, but Brian had that momentary element of surprise on his side and soon he had AJ’s wrists held above his head in a grip as tight as iron and the rest of his body was pinning AJ down. “Will you just listen for a minute?” Brian panted out as he struggled to keep him pinned.
Furious, and hurt, AJ bucked all the harder. He could feel the tears now, and the last thing he wanted was for Brian to see him cry. He may not have had much dignity left, but what he did he was clinging tightly to. At the moment he didn’t trust his voice to demand he get off. So he bucked even harder, hoping to dislodge him before Brian could see his eyes. It didn’t work. Everything about Brian suddenly turned to shock. “Are you crying?” he asked in a voice gone soft.
Furious and unable to break free or strike at him like he wanted, AJ did the only thing he could think of to get free. He pushed his head back against the bed, then shoved it forward as he spit in Brian’s face. In that single moment that Brian jumped, AJ bucked his body as hard as he could, sending Brian flying off the side of the bed.
As quickly as possible AJ launched forward and tried to get away. All he knew was that he couldn’t let Brian see him cry. That would be the final blow to his pride. The last scrap of dignity that he could cling to. But as he moved to get off the bed he felt a hand grab at him. The combined weight of the two of them had them tumbling off of the side of the bed, hitting the floor with a solid thump.
“Let me go, let me go!” AJ yelled at him. He had to get free. Had to get away from him so that he could get a moment to draw himself back together. If he could just get a minute alone he would be able to draw that shield back into place and shut the tears off. Then they could talk. But not now. Not while he was vulnerable.
Brian wrapped him in a bear hug, pinning his arms against his sides. “No, AJ. Talk to me! God, I never meant to make you cry. Would you just hold still so I can give you the apology I came in here for?”
If anything, AJ fought harder. He didn’t want his apology. If he heard it right now, feeling like this, then he might just shatter. If it was a sincere apology, he would never be able to hold on to his anger. If it wasn’t, it would break him in a totally different way. Desperation gave him more strength, but Brian had him in sheer muscle mass. He was soon pinned down to the ground. Before AJ could say a word, Brian’s lips were on his.
He fought at first. He didn’t want to be kissed! But, as always, the passion came up, overruling anything else that he was feeling. The little nips that Brian gave had his angry quivers turning to sensual shivers. There was something about this man that he couldn’t resist. As Brian broke the kiss and AJ looked up into those bright blue eyes he was terrified that Howie was right. That he was falling for Brian.
It was the gentleness in Brian’s eyes that held him immobile now. “AJ, everything you said in there was right. I did disrespect you. You have every right to be angry with me for it.” Without warning, Brian pulled off of him, moving to sit with his back against the side of the bed. AJ watched cautiously as Brian crossed his legs and put his hands in his lap.
The look on Brian’s face was full of sincerity and a tenderness that AJ had never seen from him before. “I owe you much more of an apology than I can ever give. But I have to try and say I’m sorry. I didn’t show you any of the respect you deserve. You had every right to hit me. You have every right to be furious. Yell at me if you want. Strike me again. But I can’t stand the thought of seeing you cry.”
How on earth was he supposed to stay mad now? AJ slowly sat up, curling his knees up to his chest and putting his arms around them. He looked at Brian’s face and felt himself wince. “I’m sorry I slapped you.” He found himself saying. That right there was a change in them. This guilt he felt at hitting him. A month ago he wouldn’t have cared how much Brian was hurt by what he said or did. But now he found that it mattered to him. A lot.
Brian shook his head. “No, you were right to. If snapped me out of what I was in and made me think. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was letting my emotions lead me. It hurts, to know I hurt you at one point in time. Why you were mad at me never really mattered before now. It was just a part of life. But I find myself caring a lot more now. I hate that I did something, something I don’t even know, and that it’s the cause of all of this.”
“You’re not the only cause of this.” AJ admitted. He rested his chin on his knees and closed his eyes. It was easier that way, not having to see Brian’s face. “I didn’t stand up for myself. For the first time in my life I didn’t speak up and stand my ground. I ran and hid. Maybe if I had stayed, things would be different.”
“But it all boils down to something that I said to you. Can you see how that feels for me? Knowing that there’s something I said, something you heard, and I have no idea what it is. Knowing that whatever it was hurt you. That it made you cry. That kills me inside, Age.”
Before he had a chance to think about it, AJ found himself talking. “It was the first day that we all met. I’d left to take a breather, because you guys all scared the shit out of me. I didn’t want you to all know how intimidating I found you. Especially Kevin. I’d forgot my coat and I came back to get it, but I heard you talking when I got to the door. Talking on the phone with someone. I guess that Nick and Howie and Kevin had gone somewhere. You were…talking about me.” Here he paused, unable to keep going. What he had heard Brian say had cut him deep. He couldn’t bring himself to sit here and repeat them.
Brian’s voice was sad. “My memory isn’t that good, apparently. I remember the day, but not what I said. I take it that it wasn’t nice.”
“I listened for a bit before I turned and left. I found Howie outside and I told him. I’m ashamed to admit that I ran away from you guys. I didn’t stick up for myself. Instead I ran and ended up acting like a baby on Howie’s shoulder. He helped calm me down, and I sucked it up, but after that I couldn’t look at you without getting mad. Mad at what you said, yeah. But also mad because what you’d said had mattered so much to me. That it’d make me react like that. I hadn’t reacted that way to anyone’s insults in years.”
Swallowing, AJ chewed at his lip a little. It was hard to talk about how he’d felt back then. Sometimes it seemed to big and painful, and other times it seemed so small and stupid. They weren’t those same people anymore. Over this past week they had actually gotten along fairly well, all things considered.
Almost as if he sensed that AJ was having trouble with this topic, but not wanting to stop their serious conversation, Brian switched gears a little. “In years? I can’t see you ever reacting that way to anything. You’ve always been so tough and spunky. You don’t let anyone walk on you, not like I do.”
“Hell, Rok, you should have seen me when I was younger. Skinny, all lanky and shit. I was awkward and geeky looking and I was constantly picked on for it. For a while I let it hurt me. Let others see it hurt me. But then I learned that a kid like me had two choices. Be a punching bag and a constant joke, or stand up for myself.” Here he chuckled to himself. “The first fight I was in, I lost so bad. You should have seen me.”
Opening his eyes, AJ looked over at Brian and saw the small smile on his lips. Brian brought a hand up to rub at his jaw where his bruise had finally faded away. “I find it hard to believe you lost.”
“Oh, believe it. My mom about had a shit fit. I had two black eyes, a busted lip, and road rash all over from hitting the ground. But I got back up every single time. From that day on, people knew that I lost, but I was starting to stand up for myself. Eventually self-preservation taught me enough that I learned how to fight. Then, I never lost.”
Even as they laughed, there was the sound of someone knocking on the door. A second later Howie’s voice called out “Guys! We’ve got an interview in fifteen down in Kev’s room. Get your asses in gear and let’s get ready!”
The two men stood up, still smiling at one another. Brian reached a hand out first, taking hold of AJ’s hand in a light grip. They didn’t exchange any words. At the moment, they didn’t have any. None were really needed. All that could be had already been said. But they both leaned in at the same time and shared a kiss, the very first kiss between them that wasn’t hot and hard and passionate. When it was done, the two were smiling even more. Releasing each other’s hand, they moved to get dressed and head out to the interview.