The two stayed together in that bathroom, clinging tightly to one another, until a knock on the front door caught their attention. It took them both a moment to remember that Rex was supposed to be stopping by. AJ cursed inside his mind, but on the outside he worked hard to keep his calm. Brian was sniffling in his arms, trying to straighten himself up and pull himself together. It wasn’t working very well but he was still trying.
Well, fuck that. AJ didn’t want Brian to lock it all away. He wanted him to let it out, set it free. Not keep it all bottled up somewhere inside. This wasn’t a life that Brian knew how to cope with. If he tried to lock the feelings away he would only make life even harder for himself. He needed to let go to be able to move forward. This had been a nice step in that direction, but the interruption was threatening to ruin it.
So instead of moving away, AJ hooked an arm around Brian, pulling him in close to his side, and headed out of the bathroom with him. There was only a second’s hesitation on Brian’s part and then he was holding on just as tightly to AJ. Above anything, neither man was ready to let go of the other. Too much had happened, too many things coming at them from all sides. They needed the contact; that closeness that let them know that each was ok.
AJ could feel his temper inside, threatening to break free. It showed a little when he yanked his front door open. Rex stood on the other side, a duffel bag over his shoulder, mouth open as if to say something. It cut off instantly when he saw the two of them. Then his eyes traveled over AJ’s shoulder, toward the living room.
Their friend wasted no time in brushing past them to walk right into the house. AJ shut the door and turned around, still keeping Brian against him. “I already searched the house.” AJ spoke in a voice that held barely contained fury. “No one was here. By the looks of things, my guess is it’s a few hours old. It wasn’t amateur.”
“No, it wasn’t.” Rex looked around the room. His eyes sought out details. Now that he knew the house was empty, AJ felt himself doing the same thing. Before he had been looking for signs of a current threat. Now he looked for something that might give him a clue as to who had done this and why.
After flipping the lock on the door, he led Brian in to the living room. “If you wouldn’t mind taking a look around before you leave, I’d appreciate it. I know my nerves are on high alert, and I don’t want to be seeing things that aren’t there just because I’m suspecting trouble. This could have been some crazy fans, or a stalker. It wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened to one of us. Nick had that problem a year ago. I don’t want to jump to trouble right off the bat.”
“I can already tell you that I don’t think it’s a stalker.” Rex said slowly. He gave them a one moment signal and moved off through the house.
For the moment AJ forgot about his house. He pushed away all thoughts of his things or who could have done this or anything like that. He turned all his attention to the still trembling man in his arms. “Come on, love.” He said in a gentle voice. “Let’s get you sitting down.”
Very slowly he led Brian toward the dining room. Once in there AJ tipped his kitchen table back upright, as well as the chairs. Then he settled Brian down into one of the chairs. When Brian was steady in his seat, AJ shifted through the rubble in his kitchen, trying to ignore the flash of heartache at the destruction of his things. Eventually he found what he was looking for and returned to the table with an unbroken tumbler and a bottle of whiskey. He poured two fingers in the glass before putting it in Brian’s hand. “Drink this, it’ll help.”
Brian looked down at the drink in his hand with that same dull look on his face. God, AJ hated to see him like this. He needed to snap Brian out of it and quickly. Being sweet hadn’t worked so he would do something that was a little more normal for them. He would piss Brian off. No better way to wash away shock and fear than with a good temper.
“Dammit, Littrell, will you quit sitting there staring at me like a kicked little puppy and just drink the shit?” AJ snapped out, his lip curling to sneer at him.
The annoyed tone to AJ’s voice worked just the same as it always had. A small spark of fire leapt into Brian’s eyes and his hand tightened a little around the glass. But the shock was still strong enough that the fire didn’t burn the way it usually did. Brian lifted the glass and downed his drink like a pro. He set the glass back down. “There. I drank it.”
“Fuck.” Annoyed, AJ ran a hand through his hair. “Will you look at me? Everything is fine. Everyone’s ok. Snap out of it and take a deep breath. Sulking and moaning isn’t going to fix shit.” The word were harsh, but it was the only way he could think of to bring Brian up out of this. Trigger that need to fight that was always there between them.
Brian tipped his head up and there was that flash of annoyance again. “I’m not sulking, AJ. I got shot at, to start off my insane day. Pardon me if that shook me up a little. Then we fly here and find out your house has been ripped to shreds. I think I’m entitled to a little time to be shaken up.”
“Be shaken up later. Let it shake you this hard here and now and you’ll be dead.”
The blunt words worked better than anything else. Brian’s eyes went wide and bright as they locked on to AJ’s face. It was harsh to say, but it was the truth. “Jesus, AJ.” Brian breathed out. His hands trembled a little. But his face had cleared. There wasn’t that glaze of shock there now. There was fear, a strong dose of it, and a little temper as well.
Judging it the right time, AJ put his hands on the table and bent toward Brian. “I’m trying to make you understand. I don’t like scaring you, but right now you need to be scared. You need to know what we’re against here. This is beyond just simple games and annoying people. This shit is serious and it’s real. They aren’t playing anymore. They stopped playing the instant they took that shot at you.”
“You think I don’t realize that?” Brian shouted. He shot up from his chair, knocking it over backwards. The temper in his face grew a little more. “I’m the one that almost got shot, AJ! You think I don’t realize that makes this shit real? That I’m way out of my element here? I don’t know how to deal with this!”
“Cry, scream, rant and rave. Something. Anything! But not this ghost white, shaking fear. Not this glaze of shock. Anything’s better than sitting numb. You sit around being numb, being in denial about it all, you might as well get a gun and do the job yourself. Because if you don’t snap out of it and don’t wake up you’re as good as dead, Littrell.”
“You want me to yell?” Furious, Brian glared at him, hands clenched in his fists. “Pound my fist into the wall?” On a spurt of rage, Brian picked up his glass and threw it against the wall. “Is that better? Is that what you want me to do? Break your shit more than it already is? Scream at you?”
AJ stepped up to stand toe to toe with him. “Better than sitting there like a zombie! I want you to feel, dammit. Feel something!”
The fire in Brian’s eyes was brighter than AJ had ever seen it before. With a roar of rage, Brian grabbed the kitchen table and flipped it out of the way, sending it crashing into the wall. “How’s that for feeling something?” He demanded. “Is that enough for you? Do you want me to feel more? Am I mad enough to suit you now, AJ? Am I?”
Satisfaction grew in AJ. This had done exactly what he’d wanted it to. Temper was always a good way of purging the system. If it meant that a few more of his things got broken, oh well. Most of his house was in shambles right then as it was. What were a few more things? What he’d said to Brain wasn’t a lie. He had to get past the shock of things if he wanted to survive it at all.
He didn’t say a word as Brian spun away to pace to the wall. When he reached it he turned back around, radiating fury. “I feel, damn you! You want to know what I feel?” Brian’s voice cracked with emotion as he screamed. It took everything AJ had to stay where he was and let Brian purge this from his system. He didn’t need love and comforting right then. He needed to fight. “I hurt, AJ! Here,” He brought a fist up, tapping it to his heart. “I hurt. It terrified me that I could have died back there in some fucking hotel room! It just about kills me to know that some people are so fucking biased, so prejudiced, that they would go this far just because they don’t approve of us!”
Shaking with anger, Brian kicked the chair near his feet. He didn’t see Rex come up to the dining room doorway, or as Rex leaned against the doorframe and waited out the storm. All Brian could focus on was the sudden rage that filled every inch of him until he couldn’t breathe past it.
“I’ve never had to be here before. I’ve never had to do these kinds of things. Where I come from, life isn’t like this! What am I supposed to do? It hurts, so fucking much, to think that people could hate us this much. They release the story about your past like it was nothing, like it wouldn’t matter how much it hurt you. That pisses me off. Is that enough emotion for you? Then, just when I’m starting to get my balance back, we’re here and we find this shit! Find that someone ripped your fucking house apart. I had to sit in that fucking bathroom with a knife I don’t even know how to use and wait while you looked through this whole fucking house on your own!”
AJ didn’t say a word. He watched Brian’s face and ached for the pain that his lover was going through. He ached inside that Brian had to be brought into this kind of a life. It didn’t seem right, not for his angel. He should never have to know the darker side of life. But AJ said none of that. He simply let Brian rage.
“Do you even begin to understand how it felt for me in there? TO look at that knife and know for the first time in my life that I might actually be capable of doing that much violence to someone? Knowing, in my heart, that if someone came barreling through that door I wouldn’t have hesitated to stab at them? That’s not me! Can you comprehend how it felt to wait in there, terrified that someone might come, scared shitless that you’d find someone out there and that you’d be hurt and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it! I felt weak, and helpless, and so fucking scared I couldn’t think straight! So fucking pardon me if I was in shock for a bit! I think I was damn well entitled to it.”
Chest heaving, Brian glared at him. Now AJ judged it the time to go forward. Temper had been needed before, but now it was time to soothe. To talk and reassure and bring his lover back down. Stepping forward, AJ reached a hand out to him. It didn’t surprise him when Brian smacked it away. “Don’t fucking touch me.” Brian snarled.
Ignoring that, AJ kept coming forward, backing him into a corner. He reached to bring his hands up, to wrap his arms around Brian and hold him close. Brian shoved them away, but AJ kept coming. He let the first hit connect, right in his shoulder. The second he managed to dodge. Finally he got under Brian’s fists enough to wrap him in a tight hug. To hold him close, pinning Brian’s hands between them. Those fists still battered at his chest, but AJ let them. He held on tight. “I’m sorry, love.” He whispered in Brian’s ear. “I’m so sorry.”
“Let go of me!” Brian’s roar was trembling around the edges. Still AJ held him. As the hits lessened, he held on tight. Eventually the struggles started to die down; instead of hitting, Brian was clinging to him. But no tears came. Those had all dried up earlier. Instead he buried his head in AJ’s neck, breathing raggedly. “God, Alex. I’m so scared and angry and just, tired.”
“I know, I know.” AJ soothed. Now that he knew Brian wasn’t going anywhere he brought one hand up, stroking it over the curls he loved so much. “But I’m right here. I’ll be right with you, Brian. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll keep us safe. You’re not alone, love.”
For another moment they stood the way they were, drawing comfort from one another. AJ was the one who finally pulled back, bringing a hand around to tip Brian’s face up. “Feel better now?” he asked him gently.
Brian gave AJ a half smile. “A little.” He looked down at the ground near them, then back up at AJ’s face. “Sorry about your cup. An your table.”
“They’re just things. You’re more important to me.” Just to make Brian smile, AJ let his lips curve in a wicked grin. “I figured a temper tantrum would make you feel better. Always works for me.” Purposely he leered at his lover. “You’re awfully hot when you’re pissed, Littrell.”
“Oh, shove it.” Laughing, Brian pushed at his chest. But he did lean in and kiss AJ. “I love you.”
“Love you too.”
Content now that they’d broken that wall down, AJ put his arm around Brian’s waist and turned. He had seen Rex come up but he had felt that Brian was more important to deal with first. Now he took a deep breath and prepared to hear whatever had put that cautious look on Rex’s face. One look and AJ knew it wasn’t going to be good.
“I think you better come see this.”
A sick feeling settled in AJ’s stomach. Without realizing it he took hold of Brian’s hand as they followed Rex out of the dining room and up the stairs. He led them to AJ’s bedroom. It hurt, to see the bed he so loved shredded and slashed. For a moment that made it hard to focus on anything else. But Rex was taking hold of the bed, tipping it on to its side.
That sick feeling grew as AJ stepped forward. He felt everything inside of him freeze over. Sweet God. On the underside of his mattress was spray painted something that he hadn’t seen in a long time. Something that he had never thought he would see again. It pulled at the part of his mind that AJ had once locked away. At a little boy inside who had long been buried.
A cross was painted in bright red to look like two knives crossed. In the center a skull was overtop of them. It was something AJ had seen more than once before. “Ángeles de la muerte.” He whispered quietly. God above, what did this mean? It couldn’t be a coincidence that it was here, at this time in their life, that this happened to his house. That this old symbol rose up to haunt him.
“What is it?” Brian asked quietly from his side.
It was Rex who answered him. AJ was still too lost in thought, lost in the implications that this meant. “It means ‘Angels of the Dead.’ They’re a gang. One that was prominent in the area AJ grew up in.” he explained.
AJ swallowed down the hard lump in his throat. “They were our rivals. They hated us. More than anything else, they hated us. They hated me, for being part Latino and choosing to be with a gang that had gringos. It was them…” Here he had to pause, to clear his throat again. “It was them we jumped that night.”
The hand around his gave a squeeze. AJ looked away from the symbol, over to the person more important than anything in his life. He saw in Brian’s eyes a love and faith that was staggering. It helped to calm him and center him again. “Let’s go downstairs.” He said softly. “We need to talk. I think there’s more going on here than any of us realized.” Even as he said it, he prayed to God he was wrong. Please, please, let me be wrong, or it’s all my fault.