It was AJ’s turn to be shaken when they set the table back up and the three of them settled down. Brian could see that the symbol spray painted on the bed had shaken AJ straight down to his core. The biggest part of Brian wanted to find a way to comfort him. To take away the fear and make things better. But he knew he couldn’t do that yet, not without all the facts. Not until AJ explained that fear would anyone be able to help him.
Taking a seat, AJ looked across the table at Rex, who was picking up a chair and righting it before sitting. “Don’t you have a plane to catch?” he asked their friend.
“As if I’m leaving now, Age.” Rex said scornfully. He rolled his eyes as he settled in the chair. “Leave you two here to deal with this? The hell with that. You need me here and you know it.”
“I don’t want to drag you back in this, Rex. This isn’t your life anymore.” There was softness to AJ’s voice that spoke of pain deep inside. It tore at Brian’s heart. He couldn’t resist laying a hand on AJ’s leg as he took the chair next to him. His lover reached down, covering Brian’s hand with his, letting the contact soothe them both.
Rex looked more serious than Brian had ever seen him. He folded his hands on the table and looked at the two of them. “It isn’t yours either, AJ. You aren’t dragging me back into anything. I’m making the choice to stand by my friend. You two know you’re not just charges to me, or to any of the other guards. You’re friends. If there’s one thing I learned when Marc pulled me up out of this shit it’s that friendship is everything. If you don’t have that, there’s nothing to your life. I won’t walk away from this.”
“Thank you.” AJ said the words, but he spoke for the both of them.
For a moment they sat silent, each of them gathering their thoughts. It was AJ who broke that silence. “Seeing that symbol changes everything. It makes me look at everything in a different light. This can’t be a coincidence, them being here and doing this to my house so close on all this shit from management.”
“You think The Firm hired them or something like that?” Rex asked curiously.
AJ shook his head. “No, and for two reasons. One, I don’t see management going that far. They would have to know they’d be unleashing so much more than they could control. Two, Ángeles de la muerte wouldn’t be interested in working for some big firm even with the right amount of money. They don’t fuck with big companies like that. They avoid the man, just like any other gang out there.”
Looking into AJ’s eyes, Brian asked the question that was on both his and Rex’s mind. “If they’re not hired, and this isn’t a coincidence, then what is it? What have you thought of?”
There was another moment of silence. AJ closed his eyes, his head dipping down. “Like I said upstairs, Ángeles de la muerte hated me. The whole gang I was in, yes, but me specifically. They hated that I was in a gang with gringos when they thought I should be with someone like them. I wasn’t just a punk, I was a good punk. I was good at what I did. They wanted that talent. I was young enough that they thought they could recruit me and build me up the way they wanted me to be. With my talents and my young age, they thought they’d hit the jackpot with me. But I wasn’t interested.”
AJ brought both of his hands up to rub at his face. “God, I can’t believe all this. They took it so personally when I told them no. Even more so when they nagged me and I told them to fuck off. That’s what started the rivalry between our groups.” He turned his head to look at Brian. “I didn’t tell you all these details before because they didn’t seem important. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you. I just, I gave you the broad strokes of the gang and I told you the hardest part, but this didn’t seem important. I wasn’t trying to hide anything.”
The honest worry in AJ’s voice had Brian wanting to tear up. But he just nodded his head. “I know, Alex.”
That eased some of AJ’s tension. He dropped his head back down and continued on. “You guys know how we went to fight, how they were waiting for us. It wasn’t the first fight our groups had been in. I have no idea if it was the last. After I got out of the hospital and healed, we never went back to our house. All of them assumed I died out there. But then this story ran…”
He trailed off, and Rex filled in the blank. “They know you’re alive now.” Quietly he swore. “Memories are long in that kind of a life. They’d want payback. Especially since you’re such a big name celebrity.”
“None of them would have recognized my face on the TV or if they saw me.” AJ said softly. He brought his hands to his shirt, rolling it between finger and thumb. “But having the story out there, I can’t believe I didn’t think of them. They’ll be pissed and wanting to get revenge for the guys who got hurt that night. Revenge for everything they ever think I did wrong to them. But most of all, for being alive and getting out and getting big.”
A thought occurred to Brian, startling him. He sat back in his chair, staring at the table. Could it be? It would put everything in an entirely different light. But all the little pieces seemed to be clicking together, creating an image that made him feel sick. Something of it must have shown on his face because AJ was touching his cheek, asking “What is it?”
“How long has Jeff worked for us?” Brian asked him in lieu of answering his question.
He could see that the other two men made the leap easily. “About a day after the story came out.” AJ answered. His eyes had gone wide in his face. “Could that be enough time?”
“Could be.” Rex added in. His face was furious. “Ángeles de la muerte has become pretty big the past few years. They’re not just in your hometown anymore. If they had the right person on the payroll, they probably knew about this before it even hit the public. They could have used their connections to get him hired on if they also knew that The Firm was looking to add on another bodyguard.”
Could they be right? Could Jeff be working, not for management, but for this gang? Something in Brian’s gut told him yes. “He’s hated you the most since he first started.” He pointed out. All the little things were coming together. “I never understood why, if management had sent him to keep us apart, why he had so much hatred for you. He didn’t like me, but I pissed him off with pranks and shit. He seemed to hate you from the get go.”
“It would change everything.” Rex said slowly. His eyes got a far off, thoughtful look. “It would mean management meant him to keep you two apart, but that they had no idea who they were really hiring. This means that most likely, the gun shot…”
“…Was arranged by Ángeles de la muerte.” AJ finished the thought with a dull horror.
In that one instant it was like Brian could read straight into AJ’s mind, through his eyes. He could see the thoughts forming in that quick mind. Could see the guilt that was trying to take root inside of AJ. Before it could get too strong of a hold, Brian shook his head and said “No, AJ. No.”
“They had to have arranged it, Bri.” Weakly, AJ looked down at his hands.
Just like AJ had done for him earlier, Brian pushed aside his softer feelings. He brought a hand up, gripping a fist in AJ’s hair, using it to force him to look at him. “I believe you. I meant no, don’t you feel guilty about this. Don’t you dare take this on. “
“If it wasn’t for me, for my past…”
“I said no, AJ.” Brian cut in firmly. He would not waver on this. “You are not responsible for what someone else does. You didn’t pick up the gun. You didn’t shoot at me. Someone else did. So don’t you dare try and make this your fault, or I swear to God I’ll hit you. Are we clear on this?”
Against his will the corner of AJ’s mouth quirked. “Crystal clear, Littrell.” When Brian let go of his hair, AJ shook his head a little before smirking at him. “Getting awfully bossy sometimes, you know that?”
“Maybe. I don’t care, just so long as you understand this isn’t your fault.”
“He’s right.” Rex spoke up. When they turned to look at him, Rex just shrugged. “Well, it’s true. It isn’t your fault. You didn’t cause any of this, Age. The only way you could have stopped this was by dying back there that day in the streets. Otherwise it would have just been a matter of time before they found you. Before they realized the truth.”
“But that still boils down to it being me they were coming after when Brian almost died.”
Brian opened his mouth to say something; anything that might convince AJ that this wasn’t his fault. A fist slamming on the table cut off all talk. Rex stood, his fist still pressed there, an angry look on his face. “If this is how you feel then why the hell did you survive?” He demanded. “Why the hell did you do everything you could to turn your life around? To make something of yourself? You moved on, AJ! You made a life, started a career. You fell in love! If it all boils down to this guilt trip bullshit then what was the fucking point of it all? If you want to be so fucking noble, then go!”
Furious, Rex gestured toward the front of the house with an angry slash of his hand. “Go be fucking noble. Go walk out there and find them. They won’t be hard to find. If you want to play the fucking martyr then go find them and turn your dumb ass in. Let them kill you. But remember that if you do, you’re throwing away everything in your life. You’re throwing away everything you’ve done since you died in that street.” Here he straightened, his face going calm. “Or you can stand up and fight this like a man.”
AJ looked from Brian to Rex and back again. “Don’t you two understand?” he whispered. There was agony there, making his voice low and harsh. He rose, arms coming around his waist to hold on. “I can’t do this. That’s not who I am. I’m a singer, a dancer. Part of a boy band. I can’t fight them and win!”
“But Xander can.” Brian spoke softly. Still, his words carried weight. Silence fell over the room like a heavy blanket. Almost as if in slow motion, AJ turned his head to look at Brian. “What?” he whispered.
This had to be done delicately. With all the patience and calm he’d built over a lifetime, Brian stood up and took AJ’s hands in his. “Alex, for years now you’ve buried that part of you. You put Xander to rest. But you and I both know that he’s the only part of you that thinks like these guys do. That could stand a chance at staying alive against them.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking. He’s dead, Brian. Let him rest in peace.” AJ pleaded with him in a way that Brian had never seen before. There was so much emotion in AJ’s eyes that it was staggering. Pain and fear. No, beyond fear. Terror. “I can’t be him again. I just can’t.”
It was that voice, that scared little boy voice that did Brian in. He looked over to Rex. “Would you excuse us for a little bit, Rex? Please?” Brian asked. No words were spoken by their friend. He quietly moved from the room. From the sounds of his footsteps, he headed upstairs, affording them as much privacy as possible.
Only when his footsteps faded away did Brian use his grip on AJ’s hands to pull him in. To wrap his arms around him and hold him close for a moment. The both of them needed the contact. The connection of feeling one another and knowing the other was alive.
AJ’s hands came around him, gripping tight to the back of his shirt. He buried his face against the side of Brian’s neck and simply breathed him in. Brian could feel the trembles running through AJ’s entire frame. It was such a contrast to how they had been only a short time before. Then it had been Brian who had been panicking and scared. Brian who had needed comfort and AJ who had given it. Now the roles were reversed.
“I’m scared, Brian.” The words were pulled from deep inside AJ. With no one else would he have been able to say them. Brian knew that, and felt his heart swell. Look how far we’ve come, he thought. Look what we’ve built together. Look at the love.
Because of that love, his voice was oh so gentle in AJ’s ear. “I know you are.”
“You guys are right. It’s either survive, or hand myself over to them. But I don’t know if I can bring him back. I don’t know if I can be that person again. What if I can’t find me again when this is over?”
Pulling back, Brian brought a hand up to AJ’s face. How could he make AJ see what he saw? “He is you, honey, and you’re him. You aren’t two separate people. You’re two parts to the whole.”
“With him being the bad part.” AJ’s eyes slid closed, but not before Brian saw the shame there. “He was everything I try not to be. He hurt people, Bri. Plenty of people. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to hurt innocent people.”
Oh, his poor, sweet baby. What people had done to him, to an impressionable young boy longing to fit in. “You won’t. No, listen AJ.” He moved his thumb to cover AJ’s lips when he saw the protest rise there. “That isn’t who you are. Who you were back then is so different from now. Back then you were so young and scared and alone. All you wanted was to be a part of something. To belong. They used that against you and forged that part of you.”
“I would have done anything they asked of me. I did do anything they asked.”
“But don’t you see the difference? You have so much more in your life now. You’ve learned so much since then. Who you are at your core is stronger now. Letting him out won’t change that. Accepting that part of yourself isn’t going to change who you are.” Brian spoke in a soft yet passionate voice. It seemed to render AJ speechless. Taking advantage of that, Brian continued on. “It’ll make you whole again. You’ve shoved this part of you so far down for so long. Let him out. Let him free. He’s a part of you, AJ, and he deserves life. Just because you let him out, let him be a part of you the way that he should, it doesn’t mean that suddenly you’ll change.”
“How do you know that?”
A smile curved Brian’s lips. “Because I know you. I know your heart. You are a good person, Alex. No matter the tough exterior, or the bad attitude, or any of it. When push comes to shove, you are a loyal, warm, loving person. That will never change, no matter what.”
To Brian’s surprise, a single tear leaked out of AJ’s closed eyes. He took a ragged breath. When he spoke again, his voice was lower, harsher, and more full of pain. “What if you hate the person it makes me? What if that part of me scares you, or disgusts you? I couldn’t live with that.”
“Oh, honey.” Brian pulled him in for another hug. Tightly he held him, wishing he could do something to ease the pain he must be feeling. “How could I ever hate something that was a part of you? I may not understand it, and I may worry. But I’d worry for you, not about you. I love you. That means all of you, not just bits and pieces. Good and bad. I have faith, Alex, that you can do this. But you have to have faith in yourself.”
The two stood there in the torn apart dining room for a while, holding tightly to one another. When they finally moved, it was AJ who pulled back. There was something in his eyes that made Brian start to smile even without knowing why.
“I love you, Brian Littrell.” AJ said tenderly. He brought a hand up, running his knuckles down Brian’s cheek. “If you can have so much faith in me, then I can have faith in what you feel.”
Brian couldn’t keep from leaning in and kissing his lover. “I will always have faith in you. Nothing is going to change that.”
The smile on AJ’s face almost lit the room. “I’m beginning to realize that. Thank you.” They shared another kiss. Looking into AJ’s eyes, Brian saw love and a slight humor there. “Now that we’ve been sweet.” AJ said teasingly. “Can you do me a favor?”
“Of course.”
“Go up with Rex for a bit. Let me look around down here, think a few things through. Straighten up a little.”
Despite not wanting to be separated, Brian knew that AJ needed this. He needed to process what he’d heard, what he’d been told, and how it all made him feel. So he kissed him again and smiled again. “Sure thing. Don’t take too long, ok?”
“Promise.”
Still smiling, Brian headed toward the staircase.