AJ let his anger carry him all the way home. It got him to the airport, and on the first available flight out. What on earth he was going to do over this entire break, he had no idea. But he didn’t care. All he knew was he had to be as far away from Brian Littrell as humanly possible. It was easy enough to keep a grip on that ire even as he flew home and as he caught a cab to his house.
But once he stood there in the middle of his living room he found himself losing control of it. The whole house was quiet. Completely silent. Never had he felt as utterly alone as he did at that moment. There were times that they weren’t touring or were on a break that he felt the solitude and had a pang for some company. But for the past few months he had become accustomed to never being totally alone. First it had been against his will; being forced to be around Brian when it was the last thing he had wanted in the whole world. Then, somehow, Brian had become his whole world.
The loss of that was agonizing. Exhaustion and heartache were catching up with AJ, forcing the anger away. The more the anger faded, the more the pain came in. It was like the loss of a part of him. He felt as if he were missing an arm, or a leg. Or his heart.
How could Brian do this to him? AJ wrapped his arms around his waist, ignoring the sharp pain that came from it. They had come so far from where they started. He’d trusted him. But it had all been an act. Deep inside he’d known it was too good to be true. A part of him had always known that Brian was too good for him.
No matter how many years went by, or how much money he made, or how many people paid to hear him sing, none of it mattered. Deep in his heart where the little boy in him lived he knew the truth. There was no way that street trash like him would ever rise up above his roots. He was born from a loser, a man who ran out on the people who needed him, and he had clawed his way through life with sheer grit and determination.
He’d been a geek first as a kid, and grew into being a punk as he became a teenager. Badass little AJ Mclean, who would just as soon hit you as look at you. A two bit hustler who’d fought and swore and spent his days in the gutter, despite his mother’s best efforts. Just because he had a good voice, and just because he’d managed to go somewhere in his life, didn’t change what those roots were. Born from a loser man, and grown into a loser man. Was it any wonder that Brian felt this way about him?
That was what hurt the most of all. He could see, clearly, what he was in other people’s eyes. He could see the attitude, the cocky little bastard that drove people up the wall. The tattoos and the sunglasses; the baggy clothes and the fuck-it-all attitude. He could see how other people thought he was an ass, or a jerk. Just common street trash.
Yet underneath all of that was a soft heart. Maybe he didn’t show it as often as he should, but that wasn’t because he was a hardass. It was because he’d learned that if you put it out there it could get broken.
Just like now.
Tears ran rivers down his cheeks, unnoticed. He had showed so much of his true self to Brian when they lay together late at night and talked. More than he had ever shown anyone before. To find out that he had bared his heart and soul to someone who was using him for revenge? A sob tore its way out of his throat, feeling as if it was ripped from the deepest part of his heart.
Brian had won his revenge better than he would ever know. He hadn’t just used him and hurt him. He’d made him fall in love.
Alone in his house with only his pain as a companion, AJ crumpled to the ground under the weight of the anguish.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For two hours Brian sat on that bed in the hotel room. He hoped that, against all reason and logic, AJ would come walking through that door. His brain knew that AJ wasn’t going to come back. But his heart wasn’t thinking that clearly. It told him that AJ would realize what Harold had said were lies. That he would know Brian would never do something like that. Once his temper cooled off he would come back.
He didn’t.
It was Nick coming into the room that pulled Brian out of the trance. His friend didn’t knock and he didn’t announce himself. He simply walked in and came to sit by Brian. For a few minutes he was silent, merely offering his presence as comfort. Then he spoke in a soft voice. “Why don’t we get you cleaned up, honey?”
Confusion marred Brian’s face. What was Nick talking about? “I need to stay here.” He insisted to his friend. “AJ might come back.”
“We’ll just step into the bathroom. I promise I’ll leave the door open.” A gentle hand was on his arm and Brian found himself standing, being moved. He didn’t pay attention to what was going on. The hurt was filling him to the brim. It left little room for anything else. Why would Harold do this to him? Why, more than anything else, had AJ believed him?
He barely felt Nick sitting him down on the toilet, or even as his friend was pressing a wet washcloth to his face. It seemed like he should be crumbling under Nick’s touch. At the moment he felt as brittle as thin glass.
“Why did he do this to me?” The words slipped past Brian’s sore lips before he had realized he was saying them.
Nick continued to wipe the blood off of him. His face was so loving, so full of sympathy, it made the hurt inside of Brian throb even more. “I don’t know, Bri. Harold said he was just trying to protect you. That he thought AJ would just hurt you if you two stayed together.”
“But this hurts me. Having AJ be so upset, hurts me.”
“I know, honey.”
The tears were starting to build. They spilled over, unhindered. He didn’t have the energy to stop them or to care if they were seen. It felt as if his entire soul had shattered. The pain of the beating AJ had given him paled beside this.
Looking into Nick’s eyes, Brian asked the question that was burning in him. “Why did AJ believe him, Nick? Why didn’t he trust in me? Doesn’t he know me better than that?”
For a few minutes Nick was quiet. He unbuttoned Brian’s shirt and slid it off to check his back and chest for any more blood. There was a scratch on his shoulder that had dried blood around it and Nick gently started to clean it. As he did he started to speak, his voice slow, almost as if he was trying to form his thoughts into words so carefully.
“Put yourself in his shoes for a moment, Bri. Having your boyfriend’s brother come to you and say these things, say what his brother had done. Not only that, but he told AJ that he’d heard it from Kevin. Can you see how that would make it carry more weight in AJ’s eyes? What reason would he have to doubt your brother, who was also carrying supposed information from your cousin?”
“But I would never do those things! No matter how mad I got I would never use someone like that. He should know that.”
But part of Brian knew better. He knew AJ better than anyone did. Before Nick could respond, Brian started to talk to himself. He forgot for a moment that Nick was even there as he tried to reason things out. “Harold picked just the right words to say what he did. I don’t know how he knew to go that route, but he hit the nail on the head. Not only by using Kev as a lie and a backup, but by preying on AJ’s insecurities. He’s so afraid on the inside. He worries about what people think of him all the time.”
Unable to help himself, Nick gave Brian a curious look while moving to rinse the washcloth. “AJ?” he asked almost skeptically.
Brian couldn’t stop the annoyance that flashed through him. “Yes, AJ. He has this huge fear inside of him that everyone is going to look beyond the façade he puts up and see the street rat he used to be. He thinks that he came from bad blood, and one day it’ll show true. More than anything else in the world he’s tried to rise above all that and make something of himself. But he worries that he’ll never be able to escape it. He thinks he has no worth beyond his voice.”
“But that’s insane. Just because he had a crappy childhood and a dick for a dad doesn’t mean he’s a bad person!” Nick insisted.
“I know, but he doesn’t see that. My poor baby. Harold’s words cut AJ deeper than I think he intended.” The logic of it all had Brian hurting even more. As Nick had said to do, he looked at it through AJ’s shoes and his heart just bled. “Oh, my poor Alex. Of course he believed him. Every fear he has was thrown up in his face. How could my brother do this to him?”
Something crossed Nick’s face that Brian didn’t quite understand. But then his young friend was suddenly squatting in front of him and he looked so kind and fully of sympathy. “You love him, don’t you?” Nick asked softly.
Those simple words reverberated inside of Brian. He felt his mouth drop open as he stared. The truth was like a blinding light inside of him. How had he never seen it before? Somewhere along the way their hatred had grown and changed and gone full scale to the other side. He loved him. He, Brian Littrell, loved AJ Mclean. “I do.” He said in wonder.
“Then go find him.”
Again Nick stunned him with the simplicity of his statement. Brian couldn’t help but stare. Could it be that simple? “I don’t think he’ll want to see me. I doubt he’d let me near him if I found him.”
“If you love him, Brian, than fight for him. Don’t let your brother ruin this for you. If you love AJ you’re going to have to take that step. Love isn’t always easy. Sometimes you have to work to make it right. If you love him, go get him. Don’t let him get away from you.”
For one second Brian continued to stare. Than determination filled him. It pushed aside the hurt; pushed aside everything but the love he felt in him for his AJ. Yes, this was what he needed to do. Nick was totally right.
He stood up from the toilet seat and looked around the bathroom. “You’re right.” He said firmly. “I’m not going to let this end things.”
First things first he needed to gather up all of his and AJ’s stuff. Next, he needed to figure out where he had gone. Once he found him, AJ was going to listen to him. Brian would not give up on him.