How long he stayed in his living room, AJ had no idea. But eventually he forced his body to move from the ground and made his way to his bedroom. There were so many aches as he moved that it made it difficult to walk, but he welcomed the pain. It was almost a cushion against the pain in his heart. If he focused on the physical hurt he wouldn’t think so hard about the emotional.
Somehow he made it through a shower, though most of it was a haze for him. Once he was out he didn’t bother going to find clothes. He grabbed the robe off the back of the bathroom door and wrapped himself in it, the terrycloth drying his skin.
He didn’t stop to look at any of the bruises that he knew he had, or to even inspect his ribs. Instead he simply went straight into the bedroom and crawled into his bed. Curled into the fetal position he lay in the center. Sleep was hard to come by, but come it did, off and on all night. Somehow he forced his brain down into a shut off mode, not wanting to think. It didn’t take the pain away, but it took away the thoughts that were sharp as razors.
When morning rolled around he was still lying in the same position. He stared out the window as the sun slowly rose into the sky. Even then he just laid there. What was the point in getting up? There was nothing for him to do. Nowhere for him to go. Nobody to see. He was well and truly alone. A small quiver ran down his body.
All he wanted in the whole world was to have Brian’s arms around him. To be held against that warm chest and feel the safety that he always felt there. Somehow he couldn’t seem to summon up the anger he had held before. There was no room left to be angry. In his mind, AJ was seeing everything so differently this morning.
There were so many things that he had done wrong. First and foremost had been kissing Brian to begin with. What had he been thinking? Someone as good as Brian deserved better than him. By pursuing this, he had set up this heartache himself. How could he blame Brian? This was nothing less than he deserved for trying to reach so high. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe he was exactly like his father. For all he knew, Brian could have recognized that and known it from the start. Who could blame him for acting the way he did when it was inevitable that AJ would hurt him again?
It was so out of character for him to wallow this way, but AJ couldn’t seem to stop it. His brain was in a spiral of pain and guilt and heartache. He couldn’t seem to make sense of anything and so his brain was trying to find justification for everything. The only thing he could come up with was that everyone had been right about him.
That thought was so painful that it brought tears to his eyes.
How pathetic was he that even as the pain broke him inside he found himself craving the one person who was at the root of it? He wished that Harold have never told him any of it. Then he could have lived in his illusion for a while longer. But at the same time, he was grateful that it had come up before he’d uttered those three words that would have given Brian even more power.
There was a strange sound somewhere in the downstairs region of the house. AJ lay perfectly still for a moment as he listened. Most likely it was Howie. He’d probably caught a plane out sometime in the night and was here to check on him and find out why he had disappeared so suddenly without any of his stuff. AJ couldn’t bring himself to care. He rolled over, facing away from the door. Doing so brought the pain to life in his ribs and he welcomed it. It was nothing more than he deserved.
Footsteps echoed on the staircase and down his hallway. AJ lay staring at the wall as he heard his bedroom door open. He wanted nothing to do with Howie, or anyone else for that matter. All he wanted was to lie here and wallow in his pain. Didn’t he have that right?
When a voice filled his bedroom it was the last one that he had expected and one that sent equal parts of love and pain coursing inside of him. “I know that you’re furious with me right now, but I think we need to talk.”
Dear God, Brian was here. Brian, here, in his house. In his bedroom. The pain crashed over him like a tidal wave, its currents trying to suck him under. AJ could summon none of the anger he had felt before. It wouldn’t come to him. So he simply lay there and kept staring even as the tears flowed.
“Will you turn around and talk to me, AJ?”
He couldn’t roll back over. If he looked at Brian he might lose all his resolve. He might beg and plead and cry. The last thing he wanted was for Brian to see him cry. That would be the final straw; the last piece he had left of his pride. It wasn’t much, but it was all he could cling to at the moment. When you had nothing else, pride was important. But he forced his voice to be empty and flat as he responded to him. “Go home, Littrell. You’ve done enough.”
“It’s not what you think.” That voice moved closer to the bed. Each word he spoke was another slash of the knife. He was bleeding from a million wounds on the inside. “AJ, please. I know you’re angry, and I know you’re hurt and you have every right to be. But Harold lied to you.”
How easy it would be to grasp on to that. To believe him and slip right back in to where they had left off. But the pain was too much, too deep. He knew the truth. Had felt it deep inside of himself. “I’m sorry you came all this way for nothing. I don’t want to hear any lies. Go home, Littrell.” The lack of emotion in his voice had him sounding like he was dead. It seemed appropriate. He felt dead on the inside.
There was a soft shuffling and the sound of a shakily drawn breath. “God, AJ, I don’t know how to make you believe this. Harold came down to the room after you left and I saw where you hit him. I put it together pretty quickly. He lied to you to try and protect me because he thought you would hurt me. He told us everything he said. It was lies. All of it.”
He wanted so badly to believe. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if this had all been some misunderstanding? But no, he knew better than to try reaching that high again. “I know better. You won, ok? Your revenge is complete. Trust me, a street rat like me won’t bother to reach so high again. I understand, I do. Someone like me isn’t worth someone like you. Now would you please leave me in peace?”
AJ heard Brian’s shocked gasp. He knew that he was surprising him with the flatness in his voice and the way he laid there. No one had ever seen him like this before. He was known for ranting and raving and fighting. Not curling up in his bed and hiding with his hurt. But this pain was beyond anything he had ever felt. He didn’t have it in him to care what others thought of him right then. All he knew was how much it hurt to have Brian there, in his room. All he wanted was for him to leave.
“Dammit, AJ! How can I prove to you that none of this is true? I’ll call each of the guys if I need to and have them tell you what Harold said. They were all in the room with us. You know they wouldn’t lie to you. Howie wouldn’t lie to you. They’ll all tell you that Harold admitted to making it up to try and chase you away!”
There was so much emotion in Brian’s voice. Part of AJ wanted so badly to believe. Anything that would take this pain away and give him back the one person that he wanted more than anything. But he was terrified of believing him and finding out later on that this was all just another part of the game. How could he trust it?
“Please, AJ, please! Just turn around and at least talk to me. Look at me and see how sincere I am. You know me. Better than anyone else does, even. If you would just stop and think about all of this you would see for yourself that it was all a lie. I would never do something like that to you or to anyone!”
Against his will, AJ found himself thinking about it. It was hard to believe that Brian would do something like this. That was what made it so hard to reconcile this in his mind. It seemed so totally out of character from the person he had thought he’d know.
No, no. He couldn’t start down this path. It wasn’t worth the pain. He couldn’t risk listening to him and starting to believe again. If he built himself up and it all crumbled away again he wouldn’t be able to bear it. It would destroy him.
“No.” He said. “I can’t do this. I won’t. I won’t risk that hurt again. I know who I am and what I deserve. I sure as hell don’t deserve you. You hated me for so long how could I have thought that changed? Go away, Littrell. Just go away.”
When there were no footsteps to signal Brian’s departure, AJ did the only thing he could do. He pulled himself to the side of the bed so he could get up and leave. He couldn’t just lie here and listen to Brian plead with him. Eventually he would break and he would start to believe. He couldn’t risk that. But as he tried to climb out of bed the pain in his ribs overwhelmed him and sent him crashing down to his hands and knees.
In an instant Brian was there, his hands trying to help him up. AJ jerked away so hard that he felt against the nightstand. “Don’t touch me!” he practically shrieked. It was the first thing he’d said with any kind of emotion behind it. Brian’s hands froze, and then slowly pulled back.
Mortified, AJ tried to will the tears away. But as he blinked his eyes he caught sight of Brian’s face. All other thought fled from his mind.
Sweet Jesus. He had done that? Oh, God. He saw the marks on that beautiful face and it hurt him even more. Brian’s left eye was swollen so badly it was almost forced completely shut. The right side of his mouth was swollen and cracked. AJ’s eyes traveled down over him, noting the scraped and bruised knuckles and the stiff way that Brian held himself.
He didn’t notice that, as he was looking Brian over, Brian was doing inventory as well. But when AJ’s eyes came back up he couldn’t seem to stop himself from staring into Brian’s eyes. That familiar look was in them; emotion so deep that AJ felt like he was being wrapped in warmth. The ache in his heart gave a sharp throb. “I want so badly to believe you.” He found himself saying. “But if I do, and I’m wrong, I don’t think I’ll survive it. I can’t take that chance.”
“Please, AJ. Alex. Look at me. You know what kind of person I am, better than anyone else in my whole life. You know I’m not a liar.” Brian pleaded with him. His words were full of heartache and caring. “I would never do something like that to you. How could I? You mean so much to me.” The heartache was overriding anything else in Brian’s voice or on his face. “Why are you fighting so hard to cling to the lies? If it was true would I have bothered coming here after you? I would have been happy that you were hurt. But I’m not. I’m here and I’m begging you to believe me.”
“It makes more sense to believe him.” AJ admitted. He brought his knees up to his chest and crossed his arms over them, burying his head there. “I know you’re too good for me. You’re better than some little punk from the streets. You deserve someone who can be your equal. I never was.” He sniffed, hating the tears that started to flow again. “You were always so nice and kind and sweet and then I came along. Look at how much I changed you. Swearing, physically fighting, violent sex…none of that was like you before I came along. Look at those marks I put on your skin. You deserve so much better than me.”
“I don’t want someone better than you.” Brian swore heatedly. He reached a hand out, gripping into AJ’s hair and forcing him to look up. AJ didn’t have the energy to fight him. Once he was pinned by Brian’s eyes, he found that he didn’t have the strength or energy to do anything but look back at those bright eyes. “Dammit, AJ, to me there is no one better for me than you.”
“There are plenty of people out there who would love to be with you. People who won’t hurt you like I have. Who won’t drag you down.”
“I don’t want any of those other people. I don’t care about them. I love you, not them!”
Those three magical words had AJ staying perfectly still. Even when Brian let go of his hair he couldn’t make himself move. His mouth dropped open slightly and his breath hitched. There had been so much emotion in those words. He wanted to deny them, to say that they were all part of the lies, but he couldn’t form the words. Not when he could see the look in Brian’s eyes and hear the truth of it in his words.
Brian sighed and sat down, crossing his legs. This time when he spoke his voice was much gentler. “I love you, AJ. I don’t know how it happened and I don’t care. Somewhere along the way you became the most important person in my world. I can’t, I won’t, give up on you. I love you. If this had all been revenge to me, just a stupid game, you know that I wouldn’t be here saying this to you now. Look at me and know that I’m telling you the truth. I. Love. You.”
He could see the truth of it. That love was pouring from Brian’s eyes and filling the wounded parts of AJ. Was all of this really true? Could it be just like he said, that Harold had lied to try to ‘protect’ Brian? Somehow, against all the odds, AJ felt it down inside that it was true. Brian Littrell loved him. He hadn’t said those things about him. He hadn’t set out to hurt him.
Joy and love were starting to replace all the pain deep inside. “Oh God.” He found himself whispering. “Have I been that much of a fool?”
Joy leapt into Brian’s eyes. He could see that AJ was softening toward him. “Not a fool, honey.”
“All of it was lies? All this agony, for nothing?” He felt the truth of it straight down to his bones. Now that the cloud of pain was lifting, logic was setting in. How on earth could he have ever doubted Brian like that? He did know him better than this. But he had let his own insecurities get in the way. Not only had he hurt himself by believing, but he had hurt Brian too. Tentatively he reached a hand out, touching underneath Brian’s bruised eye. “I hurt you like this over lies? Sweet God.”
“Does this mean…do you believe me?” Brian asked him hesitantly.
What else could AJ do but unfold his legs and lean in to frame that beautiful face. “Brian Thomas Littrell, I love you too.” He whispered only seconds before kissing him. The last of AJ’s pain floated away on the breeze. This felt right to him. This was where he was supposed to be.