AJ felt them start to move again but he didn’t care. So long as he was in Brian’s arms he didn’t care where they went to or what happened. Then Brian did let go of him and AJ actually whimpered at the loss of his touch. The tears continued to come but he didn’t bother reaching for Brian. He wrapped his arms around himself and looked at the ground. So, Brian had let him in to help him, but this must mean he hadn’t forgiven him.
A second later there was a hand on AJ’s shoulder, guiding him down onto the bed. He toed his shoes off automatically. Brian hated shoes on the bed. Something warm and wet touched AJ’s face, startling him enough to look up. Brian was squatted in front of him, a washcloth in his hand. He was using it to wipe AJ’s face. “Did you fall on your way over?” he asked gently.
Words burned in AJ’s throat. “I-I don’t know.” He saw the quick flash in Brian’s eyes, the worry and concern and all these questions, and he knew he could answer a few. “I only drank at the party, Bri. That’s all. Not much, though. Not enough to have a real drunk. I think running burned a lot of it off. But that’s all I did was drink.” But thoughts of what he had almost done burned in his mind.
Disgust rolled through him. He didn’t deserve Brian’s touch. Not after what he’d almost done. Or what he had allowed to be done to him. That thought had him scooting back a little on the bed. Shame ate inside of him. Was he wrong in coming here? Was it already too late to make things right? He had fallen down pretty far. Could there be any coming back up from what he had done lately?
“It’s ok, Alex. I’m just cleaning your face off. There’s some dirt there.” So much gentleness in Brian’s voice that it left AJ feeling even worse. He didn’t deserve that gentleness. Something must have been in his eyes because Brian sighed and climbed onto the bed. He took AJ’s hands in his. “I told you I’ll help you, baby. I wasn’t lying to you. If you’re serious about this, if you want to get clean, I will help you.”
“I should have listened to you from the start. Nothings more important to me than you.” AJ found himself whispering. Tears still made tracks on his cheeks. But he knew he had to say this. There would be no going through with things if he wasn’t honest with Brian. “That should have been my first clue. But I was stupid, Bri, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I’ve been stupid.”
“What matters is you’re here, Alex.”
“No, no. You don’t understand. I was so stupid, sw-Brian.” He had almost called him sweetheart but had stopped himself. Somehow it didn’t seem right. Not with what he was going to tell him. AJ had to fight back the nausea that wanted to rise. He looked down at his lap and tried to draw his hands back. It didn’t seem right to be touching him, either, as he said this. But Brian refused to let go of his hands, so AJ kept them there and stared at where their skin joined. “I need to tell you. I need you to understand, first. Then you can decide if you’ll help me. If you don’t want to, I’ll understand.”
After a moment of silence, Brian whispered “Tell me what you need to.”
It was so hard to get the words past the lump in his throat. AJ had to swallow twice before he could force them up. “I’ve been so stupid-”
“Let me correct myself.” Brian interrupted. He waited until AJ looked at him. In those blue eyes was a small sign of anger, tempered by love. “Tell me what you need to, but try to keep your insults down to a minimum, please. I’d rather not hear my boyfriend insulted, even by himself.”
That was so typical for Brian that it actually made AJ’s tears come faster. Would Brian stay with him once he said what he had to? Suddenly he was grateful for Brian’s hands over his. If this was the last time Brian would touch him he wanted to absorb it all.
“I let myself depend on the alcohol to chase away the hurt from what Ma said. It was easier to not use it when I was around you, but when I wasn’t, well, it was a convenient escape. Something to take the pain down to a manageable level. Added on to that, well, I was terrified. If she reacted like this, what is everyone else going to be like? I thought Ma would be the easiest of them all. It hurt, so much, for her to say that. I’d rather she slapped me again than talk that way to me.”
Here he had to pause for a minute to gather strength to continue. Love and support seemed to come from Brian’s hands and into him. He used it to keep going.
“I didn’t realize how badly I was depending on it. Then I tried coke the one night. Just as a lark, because everyone at the party was doing it and it seemed like they were all so happy. Having a blast. I wanted to feel that happy again. So I tried it, and it was great. Mixed with alcohol, the high lasted longer and was even better. When you wanted me to give them up, I wasn’t ready to. I got so mad inside my head. Who were you to ask me to give that up? Didn’t you understand that I needed it just to make it through the day? That it helped me feel better? I told myself there was no way you understood. But still, the things I said to you…”
Another lump built in AJ’s throat. He raised a hand, briefly letting go of Brian’s, to wipe at the trails of tears on his face. When he brought it back down Brian instantly grabbed it again. It was as if he sensed that AJ needed that contact to be able to do this.
“After that it became vital for me to be doing something to take the pain down. Something to take the voices away. All I could hear was my own voice saying those vile things to you. All I could see was your eyes, haunting me, breaking my heart. So I drank more, and I snorted more. Then the others were upset with me, and it hurt. I was wrong, but still, none of them gave me the chance to say anything. I know I was wrong, and they were right to be mad, but still, shouldn’t they have given me a chance? As my friends I didn’t think it was fair they all automatically assumed I was the wrong one. That I was the idiot and had been the one to fuck up our friendship, you know?”
“I do. It upset me, to see that they all treated you that way. They had no right, baby.”
“I guess it was fitting punishment. I did fuck up. Tonight I was at the club and this guy was dancing up on me, grinding and shit. I grinded back with him and he whispered in my ear that he had some blow. So I went back to the bathroom with him. When we went in he shoved me against the door and started to kiss me.”
Brian froze, even his hands going still, but he didn’t move. AJ took a deep breath and spoke quickly, wanting to get the words out before he threw up.
“I pushed him off, but he said that we were just gonna have fun. He held my hips and started kissing my neck, and I stood there and let him. I moaned for him.” For that, above all else, AJ was disgusted with himself. His voice hitched, but he smoothed it back down. “I let him do that, thinking I’d get some good coke out of this shit. He started whispering, talking about doing body lines, and he stuck his hand down my pants right as he called me baby.” His voice cracked on the last word.
For this, AJ had to look up, had to look into Brian’s eyes. There was pain there, and it hurt him that he was the cause of that, but he had to finish. It was already started, there was no stopping. Brian said nothing, just waited silently for him to keep going.
“Suddenly all I could think of was you. The way you say baby to me, and it makes me feel like the most beautiful person in the world. I always loved when you called me that. It makes me feel loved, and special. Like I’m someone good. Hearing him say it brought me back to reality. All of a sudden it was like my brain turned on. I could see what I was doing. Who I’d become. It made me sick. I pushed him away. He freaked, but I didn’t care. Every stupid thing I’d done hit me and I almost buckled under it.
“The next thing I knew I was running out of there. All I could think of was what I had almost done just for a little coke. That’s not me, Bri. I couldn’t recognize myself. Part of me wanted to go back in and do what it took to get that high. Hell, part of me still does, and that scares the shit out of me. I’m not that kind of guy. All I could think of was getting here. I knew if I came to you, even if you hated me, you’d keep me safe. You wouldn’t let me hurt myself anymore. So I ran the whole way here. All I knew was I had to get to you. At the least, I had to tell you how sorry I am.”
“Oh, Alex.” The anger in Brian’s eyes was gone now, replaced with so much love and sadness that AJ almost crumbled. But he wanted to finish. This was so important. He grasped onto that love like a lifeline and dropped every defense he had. He prayed Brian could see the love in his eyes, and know that everything he was saying was true.
“I love you Brian. I almost lost you because of this shit. I can’t have that happen. You’re the most important person in the world to me. But on top of that, I can’t let this happen to me. I can’t lose myself to that person again. I’m so afraid that this clarity will only last a little while, and that person in me will take over again ,and I’m terrified I won’t be able to stop it next time. Please, even if you can’t love me anymore, there’s no one else I trust to help me.”
AJ gasped in surprise when Brian yanked his hands, toppling him forward. Then he was wrapped in the arms he so loved and was being cradled against that familiar chest. “Not love you? Alexander James Mclean, I will always love you, even when I’m so mad at you I could spit. You almost did something stupid tonight, but what counts is you stopped it. You got out of there. Of course I’m going to help you, and love you, and be by your side through all of this. You’re not alone, baby. I love you so much.”
The dam holding his tears back finally burst, and AJ sobbed against him. With no one else in his life had he ever been able to break down this way. Around others he would have held on to his shield and tried to be the strong one they all thought he was. But here, in the safety of Brian’s arms, he knew he could let go.
His lover laid them down and let AJ sob his heart out. Then finally, when the tears were gone, Brian was still holding him as his brain slid into the sleep of relief.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian stared at the face in front of his, finally sleeping. His heart ached for everything that he’d heard. God, what had happened to them? How had his lover become so lost that this is where he ended up? No, this was on both of them. Brian had to admit that to himself. He should have fought harder to save the one he loved. Addictions were not something that could be done alone.
Lying here he could look back and see all the places they had both messed up. He should have pushed AJ to quit, not given him that little choice. He should have known how badly AJ was already addicted. AJ should have come to him sooner, or tried to talk to him. If he had told Brian how hurt he was inside, there would have been more understanding. He would have been there for him more, no matter the consequences. But, at the same time, he should have seen how much AJ was hurting. He knew how sensitive his love was.
They were a pair of fools, that was for sure. But this could be fixed. AJ had come to him, and that counted for something.
Leaning in, Brian kissed AJ’s forehead and promised them both that he would do everything he could to help his partner through this. He would not lose him again.