One day bled into the next for the two of them. Each one was hell. Brian withdrew from everyone, ignoring their attempts to talk to him. All of them knew that he and AJ had fought over something, but neither would answer when asked what they were fighting about. Somehow they’d all seemed to come down on Brian’s side, though; assuming that it had been AJ who had been the idiot in the situation. It was true, but it still irritated Brian. Even mad at AJ, he couldn’t stand seeing the others give him the cold shoulder. He needed someone on his side right then.
Brian knew he was getting depressed but there didn’t seem to be anything he could do about it. His heart felt broken every single day. It was hard enough to go through the motions of being a Backstreet Boy. Off stage, away from fans, he just didn’t have the energy to keep up the charade.
Kevin cornered him after a week and demanded to know what was going on. “God, Bri, it’s like someone died. When are you going to tell us what the hell is happening?”
No one would listen to him when he told them nothing. So Brian just sat there and stared at Kevin, wishing he would go away. Wishing he could be alone with his pain. Who cared what anyone else thought? He was doing his job and that was all that mattered.
But it was so hard to avoid AJ. Especially when it seemed like AJ was doing everything he could to throw himself into the party scene. He was always going out somewhere, drinking something, coming back to the hotel and passing out. Not since that night had he and Brian shared a hotel room, or even a bus. If they did, Brian shamelessly begged Nick to switch him. Brian never said why and Nick never asked.
He couldn’t believe that, even for their relationship, AJ hadn’t been able to give up the drinking. Day after day Brian was forced to watch as AJ seemed to try to drink himself out of existence. His heart broke at it, but he knew he was right. He couldn’t be with him, not when he was like this. If AJ loved him, he would have walked away from it all while he still could. Instead he’d chosen another route. He’d picked the addictions over his boyfriend.
One week bled into two, then two to three, and then a month had gone by. Each day seemed to run into the next. Endless shows and even more endless nights. Brian found himself not caring anymore. He was waiting only for the break to come, yet he dreaded it at the same time. To go home alone was terrifying. Nick had been nagging at him to come stay at his place for the break, but he didn’t know if he could do it. Vaguely he thought of going to visit his family for a while. Somewhere that he could go and lick his wounds.
The first leg of the North American tour was almost done. They were in Mexico, ready to put on their last show before they’d get a one month break. After that break they’d move on to the South and Latin America leg. Brian couldn’t bring himself to care.
The show itself was spectacular that night, and all Brian wanted was to get back to the hotel. He didn’t want to go anywhere, didn’t want to be around people. He performed mechanically and when it was all done, made a beeline for the hotel. There he was able to lock himself away. To hide.
At least, that’s what he was trying to do. But he was sharing a room with Nick, and his friend knew him too well.
Brian was lying in bed under the covers, his knees curled up to his chest, when Nick came in. The younger man looked around the room, looking as if he was going to start getting ready for an evening out. The others were going out to celebrate, Brian knew. AJ would be out celebrating. Tears filled his eyes.
Then Nick did something that surprised Brian. He walked over to the bed and climbed on, over top the covers, and wrapped an arm around Brian’s waist before snuggling up behind him. They had used to do this, way back in the beginning when one or the other was scared or homesick. The familiarity of it reached down to that broken place in side of him. Despite his best efforts, tears filled his eyes.
“I wish I knew what was bothering you, Bri. What did he do that hurt you so much?” Nick’s voice was so full of concern and that brotherly love that was always there. Brian let himself scoot back into his best friends embrace and take the comfort that was being offered.
He couldn’t hold it all in anymore. Not here, like this, with the best friend he’d ever had. “He lied to me. He made promises to me and he didn’t keep them. He…said things that hurt. I tried to give him a second chance, and he chose wrong.” Even though he knew what he’d said had made no sense to Nick it still felt good to finally say it to someone. To not just be stuck thinking it over and over.
Nick sighed and held on to Brian tighter. He wished so much that he could do something to help Brian through this, but he knew there wasn’t really anything he could do but be here with him. Still, he sensed there was so much more to this than he was being told. Those thoughts swirled in his mind as he held Brian close and gave all the comfort he could.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The music in the club was loud, almost loud enough that a person couldn’t hear themselves think. Almost. Not thinking was what AJ was aiming for. If he couldn’t hear his thoughts, he wouldn’t hear Brian’s broken hearted voice over and over in his mind. Wouldn’t hear the nasty words that he had said to Brian, or the words he should have said. But he could still see. In his mind’s eye he constantly saw the hurt in Brian’s face. The pain that had filled those eyes that once had been full of love for him.
This was all so stupid. Why couldn’t Brian just calm down? It wasn’t like alcohol was a big deal. Hell, he could drop it any time he wanted to. It just helped him to keep cool. Calm. It helped take away the pain that came from his mother’s words. Now it helped to take away the pain of what he’d done to Brian and the pain that came from his other friends abandoning him.
It was clear what Kevin, Howie, and Nick all thought of him. Once they’d seen that he and Brian had been in a fight, and that Brian was hurting, they had all banded together on Brian’s side. Howie was the only one to ask AJ the simple question of “What happened?” But AJ hadn’t been able to tell him. Couldn’t admit what he’d done. Sometimes he was still so angry at Brian for trying to make him quit something that wasn’t a problem that he didn’t care what anyone thought. At other times he wished he had the power to stop drinking. To stop the coke.
Kevin and Nick hadn’t been as nice as Howie. Instead of asking what happened, they had both asked him “What did you do to him?” They hadn’t been prepared to hear his side of things. Their concern had been all for Brian. That cut AJ to the core. Yes, Brian was the one who had been hurt, and AJ knew that. Brian needed the love and attention. But a small part of him wished that someone would have been on his side, wanting to make sure he was ok. Noticing how much he was hurting.
Brian had always done that. In AJ’s whole life, Brian was the only one who had ever really looked beyond the surface and saw everything that was inside of him. Not even Howie saw that deeply into him. But Brian, he saw the soft center of AJ, the place that was easily bruised and so carefully guarded. He’d seen it, and hadn’t mocked him for that weakness. Instead he’d brought a light there and filled AJ’s entire life with love. And now he’d gone and thrown it all away.
Well, fuck that, and fuck him too. AJ made his way to the bar and ordered another drink. Fuck all of them. Who needed them, huh? This was his life. He was going to do what he damn well pleased. So what if they got a little pissed. They could get over it. His drink arrived and he slammed it back without even a flinch.
Shoving the pain down under the sharp burn of the alcohol, AJ threw himself back into the dance floor, not caring who he was dancing with, or whether they were male or female. He’d show Brian he wasn’t some stupid little kid who had to be told what to do. He could drink if he wanted, and use too! What harm was a little fun?
When a guy hooked an arm around him, grinding up close, AJ let himself grind back against him. It felt good just to be touched again. Then when the guy whispered in his ear that he had a little nose candy, and would he like to play, AJ had quickly agreed. They’d left the floor and headed back to a off the way bathroom. Once in there the guy had been all grins.
Before AJ could think or speak the guy had him pushed up against the door, kissing him fiercely. For just a split second AJ stayed there, frozen in shock before he managed to push the guy away. “Get off me.”
“Hey! You said you wanted to have a little fun!” The guy exclaimed, sliding back up to him. He started kissing the side of AJ’s neck while his hands went to AJ’s hips. Lost in sensation, AJ found himself moaning lightly, allowing this guy to continue to kiss his neck.
When the guy was by his ear he leaned in to whisper to him. “Let me show you some fun. You ever done body lines before? I can show you a real good time, baby, I promise you.” Just as the man said baby his hand slid down the front of AJ’s jeans, wrapping around his semi hard cock. It was the combination of the two that shocked AJ down to his core.
With all his strength he shoved the man off of him, gasping for air. What the hell was he doing? What the fuck had he turned into? For a moment there he had seriously been letting someone pet and love on him just for the chance to get another snort of cocaine! He’d wanted it so badly that he hadn’t wanted to wait to go buy it, but instead had let this man paw at him just for the chance to snort for free.
Pain hit AJ square in the chest, almost doubling him over. Sweet God, Brian had been right to ask him to stop this. All he had in his system was alcohol right then, but it was apparently enough to have him thinking so stupid. What the hell had he been thinking?
With all the control and willpower he had, AJ yanked the bathroom door open and ran. He shot through the club, not bothering with the people he almost knocked over. By the time he burst out the front door and into the fresh air he was gasping and had to clutch a light post just to stay upright. Everything that he and Brian had said to each other, ever moment that he’d lived through for the past month and a half, all ran in his mind at once.
Who had he turned in to? This wasn’t him! The person he was would never have done anything to hurt Brian. He would have given up everything for him without Brian even having to ask. Since when had alcohol become more important? Or the drugs? Oh God. God. He was such an idiot. It was easy to see the trail of the addiction now. See how it had built and taken over his life in such a short time. What the hell had he done?
One thought came to mind. He had to fix this. Had to try. There was a chance that Brian would never take him back, but AJ had to risk it. He couldn’t do this on his own. Couldn’t let this control his life, and take away the best thing that had ever happened to him.
At first he didn’t realize that he had started running again until he almost stumbled to the ground. Pain and the alcohol had him weaving a little as he ran but he didn’t stop. The only thought in his mind was getting back to the hotel. Getting to Brian. Brian would help him. Even if he hated him; if AJ asked for help, Brian would help him. Just, please, God, don’t let it be too late. He knew what was important in life, now. There was nothing worth losing Brian over.
When he reached the hotel AJ didn’t even pause. He shot in the back entrance, away from the fans, and ran straight for the elevator. Impatiently he leaned against the wall, panting, as it took him up. All he let himself focus on was reaching Brian. He was terrified that if he let himself stop, let his mind and body relax, he’d go back there. Go back to being that person again. God, he didn’t want to be that person.
The doors opened and AJ shot out, practically bowling Kevin and Howie over. They both instinctively caught his arms, holding him up from falling. Once he had his feet Kevin let go of him. Howie didn’t. “AJ…” he spoke slowly, his eyes bright with concern. AJ didn’t care. Whatever was on his face must have had Howie scared, because his onetime best friend was trying to hold him in place. “God, AJ, what’s going on?”
“I can’t, I just. I gotta find Brian.” He managed to gasp out. Howie’s grip on his arm only tightened. “Not like this, Age. Talk to me. What’s going on? Let me help you!”
“No, I need Brian.” That was the most important thing in AJ’s world. He needed to find Brian. Didn’t they understand? Tears filled his eyes. “Let me go. Just let me go! Let me find him!”
“Don’t’ you think you’ve hurt him enough?” It was Kevin who spoke now, stepping in front of AJ and gripping his shaking shoulders. “Let Howie and I get you in your room. We’ll take care of you. When you’re calm you can talk to Brian, but not until then.”
“No!” AJ shouted at them. Pain tore through him until he thought he would double over with it. He had to talk to Brian! Had to! They didn’t know, couldn’t understand what he had done. What he had to fix. “Let me go! Just let me go!”
“AJ!”
“No! Let me go!” In his pain he started to fight to break free, needing to get down to Brian’s door. He had to see him. They had to let him go! Tears poured from his eyes. “Let go of me!”
Kevin and Howie worked to restrain him, trying to take him to his room. AJ fought with everything he hand, knowing that if they got him in the door he wouldn’t get out again until they said it was ok. He had to do this now, couldn’t they see? He had to see Brian before that other person inside of him took over again. AJ was terrified that if it did he would never be able to find himself again.
A sudden voice filled the hallway, catching all their attention. For AJ it was the sound of salvation. Food to a starving man. “Let him go, guys!”
The hands on AJ released and he almost hit the ground. He caught himself with his hands and then he was upright, moving quickly. Had to get over there before they grabbed him again. He didn’t realize that Brian’s name was falling from his lips over and over, broken only by small gasps, but he saw Brian standing in the doorway of his hotel room, arms open wide as AJ rushed to him.
More forcefully than he’d intended, AJ made it right into Brian’s open arms. The minute they were around him everything in his world became right again. The part of him that had been missing felt like it was back and he was whole again. “Brian, I’m sorry. I’m sorry!”
“Shh, shh. Come on, I’ve got you now. Come on.” Brian whispered to him. The others must have come up behind them, because AJ heard Brian say “I’ve got him. Let us work this out guys, please?”
“What the hell is going on? What happened to him!” Howie demanded.
“It’s not for me to say. Just please, let me help him. Let us be, ok? Nick…”
Nick’s voice sounded from somewhere nearby. “I’ll take his room for the night, Rok. You two talk. If anyone can help him, it’s you.”
Then there were footsteps as everyone left, and Brian was pulling him into the room. AJ couldn’t let go of him. It felt so good to be back in Brian’s arms again. He felt sheltered and protected. A big part of him knew that he didn’t deserve the safety of this embrace. “I fucked up, Bri. God, I fucked up. I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t. Help me, please, help me.” The words were torn from the very roots of his soul.
Those arms around him tightened and Brian’s voice was by his ear, thick with tears. “I’ll always help you, Alex. I’m right here. I’m here.”