AJ felt like one big basket full of nerves. Jesus, he was so not ready for this. So not ready. But what he’d told Brian was true. From the time he was a kid his mom had always been able to know when something was going on with him. “Mom senses” she called it. “My mom senses are tingling.” It had made him laugh when he was little. Now it was just creepy sometimes.
There was absolutely no way she’d be able to ride on the bus with them and not notice something between them. Honestly, he was surprised she hadn’t said anything to him yet. But as Brian was tossing their bags in the bunks, Denise was sitting at the couches with AJ and drinking some water while catching him up on all the family stories.
Normally he would have listened avidly to what she had to say. He would have even been chatting back at her. But nerves were eating at him and he was focusing on not letting them show. That alone was stupid. He should have known better.
Denise cut off in mid-sentence to sit there and stare at him. It took everything AJ had not to gulp and start shifting in his seat. Jesus, this was his mom. What did he have to be afraid of? No matter what he’d done in his life she’d always been supportive of him an stood by his side. Why would this be any different? This was something that made him extremely happy! Still, behind his shades, he couldn’t help but sneak a glance at Brian just to reassure himself that his partner was still nearby.
All the while Denise sat watching him, wondering what was going on. She knew her son and knew him well. Around her at least he didn’t hide things half as well as he thought. Too many things gave him away. Like the way he was rubbing his shirt between his finger and thumb. Or how he had his legs crossed and one foot was jiggling. She just wished he’d take those stupid shades off so she could see his eyes better. That would tell her a lot.
After a few minutes she decided that she needed to be blunt. Blunt was usually best with her son. It kept him knocked off balance enough to answer. “Alexander, are you going to tell me what’s going on or am I going to have to sit here and let my imagination roll with it? I’ll start imagining you’re going to tell me that you’re dying of cancer, or that you’ve decided to quit the band, or getting married.”
A small smile quirked at the corners of AJ’s mouth. “Flair for the dramatic, Ma?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about and you’re avoiding answering me.” Her voice was pert and her eyes bright. Patiently she waited as AJ shifted again. It didn’t escape her notice that AJ’s head turned slightly toward Brian, or that once he did, Brian put down what he was doing and started to make his way to her. Now she started to worry. Whatever it was must have been serious if he wanted moral support. A thought occurred to her. “Alexander James Mclean, you didn’t get some girl pregnant did you?”
AJ’s mouth dropped open as he stared at his mother. “No!” he practically shouted. Slightly offended, he glared a little. “God, Ma, who do you think I am?”
“Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain to me, son.”
Oh, man, this was it. AJ shifted again, making room for Brian to sit beside him. They hadn’t discussed how they wanted to do this. Only that it would be done when the time came. So as AJ stared at his mother, a woman he loved with all his heart, he found himself at a loss for words. There was nothing he wanted more in that moment than to reach over and take a hold of Brian’s hand. Well, with what they were telling her, did it really matter if they sat there and held hands? In a few minutes what difference would it make? She’d know.
With that line of thought AJ finally allowed himself to do what he wanted. His hand slid away from his shirt and found Brian’s, lacing their fingers together and gripping tight. Just the feel of Brian’s hand against his gave him extra strength. Enough to bring his free hand up and take his sunglasses off so that he could look his mom straight in the eyes as he said the words that could change so much. “Ma, I’m gay.”
Silence filled the bus. Denise didn’t move. She barely seemed to blink. Her eyes just stayed on AJ, wide and shocked.
“Ma?” he asked hesitantly. This silence was getting to him. He had to know what was going on in her head. Fear was eating at his stomach like a virus. “Ma, did you hear me?”
The sudden transformation on her face was astonishing. She went from shocked to livid in a split second. “This isn’t a funny joke, Alexander. I don’t appreciate it at all.”
“Joke?” Biting his lip he gently shook his head. “I’m not joking. I…Brian and I are a couple. We, we love one another.”
“No!” Her sudden shout had AJ jumping back slightly in his seat. Fury practically rolled off of her as she stood up and glared down at her son with more rage than AJ had ever thought to see there. “I don’t believe it. This isn’t true! My son is not a queer!”
That last word took AJ’s fear and transformed it to temper as well. “I hate to break it to you, Ma, but your son is a ‘queer’, and he’s damn happy with this kind of a life!”
“I will not allow this! You were raised better than this kind of perversion, son, and all of this nonsense will stop right this minute!”
Dropping Brian’s hand, AJ shot to his feet. He couldn’t ever remember feeling more angry in his entire life. His mother was calling him names, saying what they had was wrong and a perversion? The one person that he had been so sure would be on their side, and here she was, yelling at him! “Perversion, Ma? How is it a perversion to love him? He makes me happy. Isn’t that what matters?”
“You are not a homosexual. I will not stand here and debate this with you. When we get to the pit stop I’m having that pervert put on the other bus and you and I are having a long talk.” She stomped toward the kitchen, folding her arms across her chest.
Despite Brian’s whispered plea to keep calm, AJ brushed past him to follow Denise. “I love you, Ma, but I won’t stand here and let you call him names. He’s not a pervert. He’s the man I love, and he’s staying right here on this bus with me.”
“Does anyone else know about this? The rest of the guys?” She spun to him again, her face still so angry. Inside, it broke AJ’s heart. He shook his head at her, mystified that she would be acting this way. Denise gave him a sharp nod. “Good. We can still keep it quiet then. This can be fixed.”
“There’s nothing to fix! Either you accept this about me, or you get over it.”
“This is not the time for you to start acting stubborn! I will not let you ruin your life, or throw away your career over something so stupid! That…that little faggot over there isn’t worth all of this!”
“Stupid?” AJ’s voice suddenly went soft. “Faggot?”
Something on his face must have shown how close his temper was to snapping. Denise took a step back, staring into his eyes. “My God.” She breathed out. “You’re serious about this.”
But AJ was still stuck on what she had already said. One hand came up, wiping over his face as he tried to find the right words. Behind him Brian’s heart was breaking. Not for the insults towards him, though those hurt, but for the pain he knew AJ was feeling inside. AJ took a deep breath and looked at his mother, seeing her in a different light than he ever had before. “You stand there and call him a pervert and a faggot. Do you realize you’re calling your own son those names as well?”
She was shaking her head at him. “I know you. You’re not gay. You wouldn’t do those kinds of things.”
“Those kinds of things? You mean things like kissing him? Holding his hand? Sex? Cuddling on the couch to watch movies for the night? Or did you mean things like count on him? Respect him? Love him?”
“My son does not engage in homosexual activities!”
“Ma, we’ve been engaging in homosexual activities for almost a year now. I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him doing all these things you seem to think I won’t. I’ll hold his hand. I’ll kiss him. When I need a shoulder, his is the one I’ll go find. When I’m hurting, he’ll lift me up. When I laugh, he’ll laugh with me. I’ll go to sleep beside him, and wake up to his beautiful face. Every day that I have with him I will count myself blessed that he’s never.”
Denise made to talk, but AJ was on a roll. He wanted to make her understand, to make her see it from his point of view. To have her know how he really felt inside of his heart.
“Just listen to me, Ma. I know my heart. When he walks into the room, my heart flutters. When he smiles at me I find myself smiling back. When I’m crying, he makes it better. When he cries, all I want to do is find a way to take away the tears. When he holds my hand, I know I can face anything. When he touches me, it makes me shiver-”
His words were cut off when his mother gave him a resounding slap across his cheek. The bus went quiet but for the roar of the engine. Brian made to stand up, but without even looking back, AJ gestured at him to stay. His eyes were locked on Denise’s.
Denise took a deep breath, her eyes going hard and cold. “You aren’t my son.” She told him. Without another word she grabbed her bag and moved up by the driver, telling him to pull over and let her out. They were still in town enough that she could call a cab wherever she wanted to go.
When the bus pulled over to the curb, Denise took one last look at them. “If you insist on doing this, you are no longer my son.”
“So be it.”
With those final words, Denise stepped off the bus and out of their life. After a moment the bus doors closed and they were pulling back out onto the road. Once they were underway, Brian stood up, intending to come and comfort AJ. Right then he didn’t want comfort.
He held a hand up, wanting Brian to stay back, and moved off toward the back of the bus. Brian followed, not intending to leave him alone when he felt this way, but not knowing what to do for him.
AJ felt all of his anger and pain morphing together, filling him up until he thought he would scream with it. Not stopping to think, he spun and slammed his fist into the wall. In an instant Brian closed the distance between them, snapping the partition to the media room shut so that they were alone and then taking AJ into his arms.
Anyone else and AJ would have fought to get free. But this was Brian. The instant that Brian’s arms were around him, AJ felt his body start to melt. They sunk together to the floor as AJ curled into his lover. The tears came then, sliding in hot rivers down his cheeks. “It wasn’t supposed to be like that.” He managed to get out. “She was supposed to love me anyways.”
“I know, baby. God, I know.” Brian brought one hand up to stroke over AJ’s hair, hoping to soothe and knowing there was nothing he could really do. “I’m so sorry, Alex. So, so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, and don’t be trying to take blame.” AJ mumbled against Brian’s chest. Being in his lovers arms was calming him, enough so that he was getting back some of his control, though he couldn’t stop the tears. “I don’t want you thinking any bad thoughts. I don’t regret anything about you and I, are we clear? I love you. Nothing she said, nothing anyone says, is going to change that.”
Brian tipped his head up to lightly drop a kiss on his lips. “I love you too, Alex. Nothing’s going to change that either.”
Taking a deep breath, AJ forced as much of his pain as possible to the side. “We have the bus all to ourselves, you know.” A semblance of his old smile had his lips curving.
The corners of Brian’s eyes crinkled with his smile. “Yes, we do.”
“You just gonna hold me then, or you want to take advantage of a good situation? Seeing as how we don’t share a room tonight, who knows when our next change will be.”
As AJ pushed Brian down on his back, Brian sighed and let go of their problems. He would deal with those later. Right now, AJ was in a mood, and Brian wasn’t dumb enough to pass up this kind of an opportunity. So instead of using words, he set about using their bodies to help each of them find the reassurance they needed.