AJ was still in shock an hour later as he sat nursing a cup of tea on the couch. It had taken him twenty minutes to get off the phone with Kevin, and another fifteen for Kevin to get done talking to Brian. After that, AJ had asked Brian if he minded waiting for him to take a quick shower.
When he came back out, refreshed and still reeling, Brian had been waiting with tea and a tray of snack food. The two settled down on either end of the couch. AJ, in just his pajama bottoms, curled his feet up underneath him. “There’s so much I gotta do.” He said softly, staring into his drink. “God, I hadn’t thought this far ahead, Bri. I need to figure out what to do for the last show, and get a room ready for her at home. I’ll need to go shopping and get her a bed, other furniture, more clothes, some toys. I’ll have to get more real food in my house. None of that’s even touching on what I have to figure out for my part in the band.”
A faint note of panic was creeping in to AJ’s voice. There was so much that needed to be done that was lining up before him. He had no idea how he was going to do it all, an do it right. Would he be able to do right by this little angel? “What if I fuck this up, Bri?” He looked up at his friend. “I mean, look at me. What kind of father figure am I going to be? I’m the boy that girls want, and mamas warn their daughters away from. How the hell am I supposed to raise that angel right?”
Annoyance had Brian narrowing his eyes. “Don’t sit and insult yourself to me.” he said, glaring at him. “You are going to be a great father and the perfect role model. Who cares what society looks at you like, J? Who you are inside is going to give her a hell of a ground to build herself up on.”
Heat filled AJ’s cheeks at Brian’s compliments. “I just feel like I’m fumbling around here. I can babysit, that’s easy. But they always end up going home. With her, I am home. How am I going to do this all on my own? How the hell am I going to be a single daddy?”
Brian leaned forward and put his hand on AJ’s knee. His face was serious, and his eyes were so warm and trusting that AJ felt he could have drown in them. “You’ll do just fine, Alex. Have faith in yourself. You’re not alone, either. You have four people who will do anything they can to help you out, and Ashley will too. You know she’ll babysit; we’ll all babysit, so you get your own adult time. Any way that we can, we’ll help.”
Emotion clogged AJ’s throat, so that when he spoke he sounded slightly hoarse. “Thank you.”
“Anytime.”
“I guess I’m just a little scared. It’s all so real suddenly. She’s mine, Bri. That beautiful little girl is mine.” He couldn’t say that without a smile on his face. Underneath all the worry was a joy that ran straight to his heart. She was his. “Ma’s gonna kill me.” he realized suddenly.
Laughter bubbled up from Brian as he sat back again. “Maybe at first. Let her get one look at Mattie an she’ll be head over heels for her just like the rest of us.”
“You know, not a one of you guys has said anything about me getting a girl pregnant, an not even knowing about it.” AJ pointed out as he sipped on his tea.
“Why would we? J, you were an alcoholic at the time. That doesn’t excuse it, but it gives us some understanding. The main point is, you’re not that person anymore. We all know you’ll do what’s right.”
“I just can’t believe it. You never think it’ll happen to you, and then one day, there it is. This child that you created and didn’t even know. But now they’re here, and what can you do but love them. I love her so much already, it scares me. Already she’s my world, and I can’t picture myself without her. But I’m terrified of going back to that big house alone with her. What kind of sense does that make?”
On a sigh he finished off the last of his tea and set his cup on the table. His hand was halfway to the snack tray when Brian spoke, and it froze him in place for a split second. “Do you want me to come stay at the house with you for a while, help you get set up?” Brian offered. AJ’s eyes shot to him, and he found his friend smiling. “I mean, there’s nothing waiting at home for me, and I didn’t have anything planned. Plus, I like her. It’ll be fun to get to know her.”
“I’d like that.” AJ said softly. There must have been more in his words than he’d realized, because Brian tipped his head and stared at him, curiosity in his eyes. With infinite care, Brian sat forward and put his cup on the table. He turned, staring at AJ’s eyes again. Something arced between them, like a jolt of electricity.
AJ was frozen in place, unable to do anything as Brian leaned in. Even when he realized what Brian was going to do, he still couldn’t move. But the feel of Brian’s lips pressing against his brought his body back to life, and he kissed him back with all the passion that had been building inside of him. If it startled Brian, he showed no sign of it. He kissed him back, meeting passion with passion.
After seconds, hours, they separated, staring into one another’s eyes again. “I don’t know where that came from.” Brian admitted. “But it felt more right than anything ever has before.”
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted you to do that.” It was AJ’s turn for confession. How could he be anything but honest when looking into those liquid eyes? “For so long I’ve wanted you, Brian. But I’ve been too scared to speak up.”
That didn’t seem to scare Brian as he had thought it would. If anything, that light in Brian’s eyes grew brighter. “There’s something inside of me for you, Alex. I have no idea what it is, but it’s there. Been there for a while, but I never noticed it until just now. You matter to me.”
It was everything that AJ had ever wanted to hear from the one that he knew he loved. His heart warmed, and he felt as if he could fly. “You matter to me too, Brian. More than anyone else ever has in my life, until Mattie. There’s so much inside of me for you. I never thought to hear you say you return it.”
A smile curved Brian’s lips as he laid his hand on AJ’s knee. His heart was in his eyes, and the sight was beautiful for AJ. One thing that he loved about Brian was the older man’s ability to put his all in to everything. If Brian decided that he was going to do something, he did it. There were never any half measures for him. If he was going to be someone’s friend, then he was, no matter what anyone else thought of it. If he cared about someone, then he accepted it and went with it without bothering to question himself.
“I can’t believe I never noticed this before. How could I have been blind?” he asked quietly, still smiling. AJ chuckled. “Took me a while to realize it, too.”
Something was intruding on AJ’s happiness though. His happiness started to fade as his mind thought everything through. He didn’t have the freedom to just do whatever he wanted anymore. There was someone else in his life he needed to think about, and put above his own wants and needs.
How could he focus on what was best for her, and start a new relationship at the same time? He barely knew this girl who was his daughter. They had missed the past three years together. There was so much catching up to do. So much adjustment to be made on both their parts. If he tried to get into a relationship right then, his attention would be distracted from what really mattered: getting to know Mattie.
“Bri,” he started hesitantly. “I really care about you. I do.” This was harder than he had thought it would be. But he forced himself to look at Brian’s face, knowing that he owed him that respect. It didn’t help that he could tell, by Brian’s eyes, that his friend knew what was coming. “But right now, there’s so much on my plate. I have so many things I need to do. I barely know Mattie. If I got into a relationship right now, well, I feel like I’d be shorting her. She needs me right now, and I need to be able to give my everything to her.”
“Does that mean that you don’t want to be with me, at all?” Brian asked slowly.
AJ rushed to answer. “No, God no! I guess, I’m just asking for time. Give me time to get to know my daughter. Time for her and I to settle in, and become comfortable with each other. Time for things to settle. There’s so much that needs done right now. Things at the house, legal documents that need changed; things with the band. To split my attention between her, and all of this, and then starting a relationship with you, well, someone somewhere would get cut short. I can’t afford to do that with her.”
To AJ’s surprise, understanding was on Brian’s face. The hand on his knee squeezed gently in a reassuring manner. “I get it, J. I can give you all the time you need.” he said softly. Then he cocked his head to the side again. “Do you still want me to come out to the house with you after tour, or would it be better if I went home?”
That answer was easy for AJ. “Please, come. No matter what you’re my friend and I could use friends right now. Plus, you offered to help, and trust me, I’ll take you up on it.”
Brian sat back in his seat again and chuckled. “What all needs to be done then?” he asked.
Just like that, their conversation turned easy again as they sat and planned everything that would need to be done. But underneath the calm exterior, AJ’s heart was jumping. Though they couldn’t do anything about it yet, simply knowing that Brian cared for him was enough to make him feel like he was floating. Maybe, just maybe, things were starting to look up.