For the next hour Brian paced his room. His anger stayed with him without having an outlet to come out on. Who on earth did Dave think he was? That asshole had the nerve to start a fight with AJ in the middle of the hall! Not only that, but then try to turn it around so that it would be AJ’s fault! Now, not to say that AJ didn’t have faults, temper being one of them, but Brian had a hard time believing that AJ had become that pissed on a fight he started. If he was that pissed and still hadn’t hit Dave, which was amazing, then it also led to believe that if he had that much control to not hit then he also had enough to not start the fight to begin with.
Embarrassment started to leak in. He had no idea what Dave had said to AJ, but he knew that it wouldn’t have been nice. How could he have been so stupid to not have realized earlier than this that Dave was a giant dick? Brian felt like the biggest loser, and an enormous fool.
There was no way he was going to be able to relax. At least, not without apologizing to AJ. After that, maybe he’d write a letter to James before trying to go to bed. But first and foremost, AJ deserved an apology.
Determined to do just that, Brian set out from his hotel room, still dressed in just pajama pants and a loose fitting robe. He knocked quietly on AJ’s door, not wanting to disturb him if he had gone to bed, and not wanting to alert the others either. This was a privet moment. It was bad enough that AJ had been involved; there was no need to involve anyone else.
After a moment the door slid open. AJ took one look at Brian, sighed, and opened the door wider, gesturing him inside. All nerves and embarrassment, Brian went in as far as the living area before he stopped, crossing his arms over his chest.
“What can I do you for, Bri?” AJ asked, strolling out onto the balcony and picking his cigarette back up off the ground. He faced the open door, staring at Brian across the brightly lit living area.
“I just wanted to, uh, apologize…”
“Don’t.” AJ cut him off. Despite his casual appearance, there was so much anger in that word that Brian found his head snapping up. Oh boy, he’d been right. AJ was pissed. Beyond pissed, really. “Don’t you dare try to apologize for that son of a bitch.”
“What did he say, Alex? What did he do to you?” Brian found himself asking.
Taking another drag, AJ blew the smoke up into the air. “Nothing that’s important, Bri. Trust me, I’ll stay out of his way.” Without realizing it, AJ’s mouth twisted into a sneer. “He caught me off guard tonight but it won’t happen again, you have my word. Pretty boy is safe.”
“I sent him home.” Brian blurted the words out. His eyes went wide and he dropped his gaze. He hadn’t meant to tell AJ that.
Silence filled the hotel room. Brian barely heard AJ’s footstep in enough time to warn him before the younger man was there. He put a knuckle under Brian’s chin, tipping his face up. All anger was gone from AJ’s expression, replaced only with concern. “Are you ok?”
Instinctively he started to nod, but managed to stop himself. The insane urge to open up, to tell AJ everything that he was feeling and thinking just filled him until he almost couldn’t control it. Where had this come from? Sure, he and AJ were friends, good friends even, but if he was going to spill secrets then he usually went to Nick. He and AJ weren’t the closest pair in the group. That was his own fault, he knew. He’d always found AJ attractive, and what with him being straight, Brian hadn’t seen any need to tempt fate. Then Dave had come along and Brian had just pulled back from everyone, period.
“He doesn’t love me, J.” The words slipped out before he could stop them. It made him feel ashamed when he heard his voice crack. But now that the gate was open, he couldn’t stop the rest from tumbling out. “He hasn’t ever loved me, and I was an idiot not to see it. He’s always made me feel like an idiot. Like I was stupid, and I couldn’t think for myself. I let him put me down and treat me like shit and hurt my friends, and, and, I still feel lost without him. Why do I feel lost?”
AJ stared into Brian’s watery eyes. In those brown eyes Brian could see a world of sympathy and pain. Then AJ was pulling Brian against his chest and holding him tightly. “Oh, Bri.” He sighed. “You’ll find yourself again. It may not feel like it, but you will.”
“How?” Brian asked, his voice rough with emotion.
“I wish I could tell you, baby. It’s something that only you can do. But I’ll be here if you need me. Ok?” AJ pulled them back a little to look directly into Brian’s eyes. “No matter what, day or night, I’m here for you.”
Brian managed a weak smile. “Thanks.”
The smile AJ gave him had Brian’s heart warming a little. “Not a prob, Bri. Anytime.” The sincerity in that surprised Brian. He stared up at AJ’s eyes and wondered if he was just imagining the warmth that he saw there. Was he just too unstable tonight that he was seeing emotions where none were? Abruptly he pulled back, wrapping his arms around his waist. “I uh, I’m gonna head back to my room for a while.” With that said, he turned tail and hurried from the room.
~~~~~~~~
Brian had thought he’d spend his entire night pacing and thinking, but not long after his head hit the pillow he was out like a light. When he woke in the morning, he felt refreshed. Clear headed in ways that he hadn’t been in such a long time. In the light of the morning he could see that Dave leaving was the best thing to have happened to him in a long time. James had been telling him that he needed to walk away for a while now, but Brian hadn’t listened. He’d had to see for himself the jerk that Dave could be before he’d had the nerve to make him leave.
As had become his habit lately, Brian gathered all of his things and went down to check out and wait on his bus. It had become routine to get on the bus early and find James on messenger. It gave them more time to chat. So it was still early when he climbed aboard his bus.
Somewhere between Dave leaving and the morning, Brian had realized two things. One of which was that he still cared for AJ. The way that Brian had defended him against Dave had made it to where he couldn’t deny it anymore. The second was that he was also starting to care for James. It was almost like James was all of the good qualities about AJ that Brian loved, and some that Brian had wished AJ had.
In the process of unloading his laptop onto the table Brian’s hand froze. He stood completely still and ran through conversations that he’d had with James. Little phrases leapt out at him. The way that James worded things. Saying that he knew Brian, and Brian knew him. The sometimes zany side of him that came out as they talked together. The way he refused to tell Brian who he really was. Or how, when Brian had said nothing would chase him away, James had replied with ‘I just hope 1 day u don’t have 2 eat those words.’
Sweet mother of God. Brian sat heavily in his seat and stared at the wall without seeing it. Everything slowly started to fall in to place. Bits of this and pieces of that. The way that James called him ‘luv’ just like AJ was known to do with Howie. Or, the most glaringly obvious fact of their names. Alexander James. James. Not exactly original. How on earth had he not seen it?
Hurt filled Brian. He had trusted both James and AJ. To find out they were one in the same was devastating. He’d been lied to. There was no other word for it! Just when he’d felt he could start trusting them, hell, when he had already trusted James with so much!
But, that meant that all those things that James said…they were really about AJ? That would mean that AJ was gay. That he’d been in a mentally abusive relationship. AJ? Gay? But, the parades of women! Something else James had said in one of his emails flashed back to Brian’s mind. ‘Sometimes a person feels so insecure they’ll do anything to hide their vulnerability. Simply because they’re terrified that those they love will view them differently, ridicule them, or just stop loving them.’ Was that how AJ felt? He was terrified of coming out to them for fear they’d ridicule him?
So many things were bouncing around in Brian’s mind that he was having a hard time keeping his thoughts straight. There was only one way to solve this. He was going to have to talk to AJ. Before he could lose his nerve, Brian popped open his laptop and logged into messenger. Sure enough James was there, waiting for him. Within seconds the chat box popped up.
James: Hey! :) Glad 2 c u!
James: How u doin this morning?
Frick: I was wrong, I thought I could do it this way, but I can’t.
James: ??? what r u talkin about, luv?
Frick: I’m on my bus right now
James: Um, ok…?
Frick: Why don’t you join me, Alex?
James has logged off.