Brian had closed his laptop when he saw ‘James’ log off. He knew that it wouldn’t be long before AJ would be down there to talk to him. A small part had held out the hope that he’d been wrong. Any doubts he’d had were now gone. The sense of betrayal he felt was strong. To distract his mind from his emotions he set about making a pot of coffee. He grabbed two cups and set them on the table of the booth he always used, and he remembered to set out the creamer that he kept in the fridge. He liked to use it sometimes, but he remembered that AJ never drank coffee without it.
Just as the coffee finished brewing, footsteps sounded on the bus’s front stairs. Brian didn’t bother turning to look at who it was. No one else was up at this hour; it was still only six am, and they weren’t due to load their busses for another hour.
He paused for a second, but then continued what he was doing. He took the coffee pot and filled both their cups before setting it back in the machine. Deliberately he avoided looking to where he knew AJ was standing. But out of the corner of his eye he saw that AJ had his bags with him. Good. There was no telling how long this conversation would take. Brian knew that he couldn’t stay angry at AJ. Not only was he not good at holding a grudge, but their band did not need the friction. This would have to be resolved one way or another before the next show that night.
“Have a seat.” he said. Following his own advice, Brian sat in his half of the booth and picked up a sugar packet to add to his coffee. Now he looked and watched as AJ hesitantly walked over to him. Buffered by anger, he didn’t bother hiding his blatant staring.
All he could think, though, was that AJ looked like shit. His hair was still mussed; he was still wearing yesterday’s jeans and had only bothered to throw a light jacket on. But it was his face that had Brian’s attention. The eyes that he so loved weren’t covered with shades. It allowed Brian to see the worry there, as well as the heartache and fear.
God, it was hard to imagine AJ and James as being the same person. Where AJ was outspoken and loud, a daredevil who didn’t care what people thought of him, James was kind and sweet, with a sensitive side that had charmed Brian. James had his crazy moments, but underlying it was this almost pure heart that just shone through his words.
AJ took his seat. He busied his shaking hands with adding a generous amount of creamer to his coffee. One he had it put together he took that first sip with his eyes closed, obviously relishing the jolt of caffeine. Then he put his cup down, and with the bluntness he was famous for, looked Brian square in the eye. “You’re pretty pissed.” It was a statement, not a question.
Anger tightened Brian’s features. “You’re damn right. You lied to me, AJ. Why?”
“I planned on telling you.” AJ defended himself.
“When?”
At that comment AJ looked down into his coffee and sighed. “I don’t know.” He replied, his honesty stalling anything Brian had been going to say. “I hadn’t intended on keeping it up for very long. I knew it had to be soon, but it became easy to justify not doing it. You were with Dave. You’d never showed any interest with me. I didn’t want to lose your friendship. Then Dave was coming here. Then you sent him packing. Each one I used as an excuse to stall. I’m not proud of it, and I’m not making excuses now. I’m just explaining.”
Brian took a deep breath and tried to wrangle himself back under control. “Last night, why didn’t you tell me then? That seems to me like it would have been the perfect time.” He pointed out. AJ sighed again and took another drink of his coffee. Finally he set the cup down and looked up at him again, his heart in his eyes. “Drop it on you that I’d been lying to you at a time when you were broken, Bri? As if I could do something to make you hurt more than you already were.”
This wasn’t the AJ that Brian was used to dealing with. The way that AJ was talking to him, the way that he looked at him, was all James. All of it. AJ had never been this outspoken about his feelings, or capable of really admitting when he’d done something wrong. Yet here he was, not bothering to deny anything, and owning up to it all. It made it that much harder. “It would have explained so much to me.”
“Do you know how close I was to kissing you last night?” AJ asked him, his eyes still locked on to Brian. “You were so sad, and you were there in my arms, and all I wanted to do was kiss away the pain. I didn’t tell you as much for me as I did for you. I wanted to hold you for that little bit, and be there for you, without all the tension I knew telling you would bring. It was wrong of me, but there it is.”
“This is too much.” Brian sat back, watching AJ’s face. “I can’t seem to mesh together AJ and James. Which one is the real you?”
“Both.” AJ said simply. “They’re each me. Just, different parts of me.”
“They’re like two different people though!”
“In a way I can see that. But really, they’re both me, Bri. Think about it for a minute. Actually take a moment and look at me.” AJ spread his arms wide and gestured to himself. “What does everyone see when they look at me? When they spend time with me? A tattooed rebel who runs through women like water. They say that I don’t care what others think; that I’m a badass with a fuck it all attitude. People assume I’m this tough fucker who will knock your block off if you piss me off, and who has a foul mouth. But tell me honestly, did you ever try to look underneath that? Did you ever think about looking past the image that I put up for people to see?”
A trace of pain was in AJ’s voice, along with a self-mocking tone. Brian couldn’t be anything but honest in the face of that. “Occasionally I caught glimpses, but I never really bothered to go much deeper.”
“Exactly! But when I was James, I could be who I really am. I didn’t have to pretend to be tough, or anything like that. If I talked to people the way that I talked to you as James, no one would know what to do with me, or they’d laugh like it was a joke. No one wants me to be a weak person, or to have a sensitive part of myself. But that doesn’t make them go away.”
AJ brought his hands back down, one of them resting on his chest. “In here I have heart, just like anyone else. Because of how sensitive it is, and how easily hurt, I have to make the AJ persona. If I didn’t, I’d never make it through the day. All of this is a part of me. You’re just the first damn person in a long time to actually get to know the real me, and that was only because you didn’t know it was me!”
What could he say to that? It was the truth. No one had ever taken the time to get inside of AJ’s head, and around his defenses. Brian had a memory of a younger AJ staring at the crowds of people waiting to see them, and holding tight to himself, afraid of the show, afraid of failing. Somewhere along the way they’d all forgotten that young man and paid attention only to the tough one that AJ let them see.
“I can respect that much.” Brian said slowly. “I can even understand some of your motivation in wanting someone to get to know you for you. But once we got close, when I asked who you were. The fact that you didn’t tell me then.” He trailed off, shaking his head.
AJ’s voice was a lot softer this time when he replied, and in it Brian could hear the pleading for him to understand. “I was afraid to lose you.”
The driver chose then to get on the bus, followed by a security guard. Marcus poked his head in and saw AJ. “There you are, bone. You’re riding on here?”
“He is.” Brian supplied.
Marcus looked from one to the other, noticing the tension in the bus. But he just nodded at them and left. A minute later the driver started the bus. As it started to pull away, Brian rose from his seat and stood by the countertops, drinking from his cup. There was so much going on inside of him. He did understand some of what AJ said, he hadn’t been lying when he’d told him that. But it didn’t totally erase the sense of betrayal, or take away all of his anger.
“I am so furious with you for this, AJ.” He admitted quietly. His eyes drifted to the window, watching as they moved through the town. “No matter the reasons, it doesn’t take away the fact that you lied to me. How can I trust you? I told James things that I never told anyone else. I confided in him.”
“I confided in you in return, Bri. Not even Howie knows that I’m gay, let alone all the shit I went through with Carl.”
“Do you think that makes it ok? You lied to me about one big thing, but telling me all these other things just what, evens it all out?”
“I never said that!” AJ snapped. He put his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands for a moment. This was the most emotional that Brian had ever seen him get about anything. He found the edge on his anger dimming a little. A lot of what AJ said did make sense. In his shoes, Brian could see himself potentially doing the same thing. But, there were still things he wanted, needed, to know. “What did you and Dave fight about last night?” Brian asked suddenly.
AJ didn’t bother to move his head from his hands, so his voice was muffled, but he answered promptly. “He caught me at the ice machine, and tried to talk shit. I ignored him and went to leave, but he grabbed my arm.” Keeping his head down, AJ moved his hands and shrugged his coat off, then brought his hands back up to his face. On his arm was a faint yet distinct bruise in the shape of Dave’s fingers. “He asked me what my problem with him was, and I snapped. I told it to him like it is. Then, well, he figured out that I was James. There was a lot he said that I won’t repeat. But you broke things up right before I would have decked the fucker.”
Brian couldn’t take his eyes off the bruise on AJ’s arm. Jesus. Dave had gotten that angry about it? He had always hated AJ, that much had been clear. But, that much? “I’m sorry he hurt you.” He whispered.
“I don’t care what he did to me. What pissed me off was how he talked about you. You’re a person, not a possession. He didn’t realize how good he had it. To have this piece of shit badmouth the one person in the world I want to be with…well, it was just too much.”
Something inside of Brian softened. He set his cup down and started to reach a hand out when everything in the world went crazy. The bus had been doing downhill, and when the driver hit the brakes to stop for the corner, nothing happened. His loud shout caught their attention first, and then the bus was careening sideways. Both Brian and AJ were slammed into the wall as the bus tipped, then started to roll.