Over the next week not a day went by that Brian didn’t receive at least one letter from James. They were quickly becoming the highlight of his days. After his morning phone call to Dave he would open the laptop and read the newest letter from James, then send his reply off. They interchanged letters no less than two times a day, but sometimes as many as 7-10 a day. Brian felt himself becoming connected to him like he hadn’t with anyone in a long time.
He did wonder who he was. Only once had he brought it up, and in James’s letter he’d laughed it off and said he wasn’t telling his secret. After that, Brian didn’t ask, but he wondered. Which friend of a friend was this? Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to tell the others about James. Part of it was, he wasn’t sure if they would answer him truthfully if they were covering for a close friend. The other part was, Brian didn’t really want to know yet. He was enjoying talking to James, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to find out the face that belonged to the image. Mostly because he hadn’t been this comfortable around someone for a long time. Or, hadn’t let himself be.
Yet again he was on a bus, this time drinking tea as evening turned to night. Nick was back in the bunk area snoring loudly, so Brian had taken his laptop to the booth seats by the kitchen. After fixing his tea he’d settled down to open his email. Sure enough, another letter was waiting.
Brian,
Sometimes I swear you’re a giant nerd. What was with that last letter? You’re telling me you seriously put pudding in Nick’s shoes? And he still doesn’t know it was you? :) That takes some talent man. My favorite is that you said he hasn’t even let on to anyone else. Just you. HA! Trusting the one person who was the one to do it! Priceless!
I am sorry to hear about that crap with Dave, though. He really yelled at you that much? You know you deserve better than that, right? The hardest thing to come to realize, but the most powerful. Treat it like a mantra in your mind. “I deserve better, I deserve better, I deserve better.” Eventually you may find yourself believing it. :) Not all the time, I certainly don’t with myself, but I’m special. :D That’s right.
Ok, now, to answer your questions. You always got to tack on questions now don’t you? Let’s see. First off, no, I have never been physically abused. I thank God that you weren’t either; cause then I’d be out there kicking some ass. Two, you wanted to know more about the mental side of things. You hadn’t really mentioned that since I first asked if he abused you in any way. I was wondering when it was coming.
Don’t get me wrong! I don’t mind answering, but it’s a little difficult to do this in a letter, and I’m not sure how to explain it so that your questions get answered. If you ever get on yahoo messenger, why don’t you add me? My screen name is the same as my email :) If you’re not comfortable with that, well, write me back and I’ll strive to answer your questions as best as I can via email.
Sincerely,
James
A feeling of excitement washed through Brian. Chat? That was quite a step up from their emails. He leaned back in his chair, sipping at his tea. Maybe chatting with this person would give a hint of who he was. Did he really want to do that? If he found out who ‘James’ was, would it change the relationship? Brian chewed on his lip as the bus continued to roll down the road.
On one hand, the anonymity of their friendship was what made it so great. There was no worry that what he said to James would come back and bite him later on. Sure, he knew that they knew each other somehow. But without actually knowing who he was, Brian could almost pretend that he was a stranger. If he spoke like this to any of his friends or even his boyfriend it would be with the small fear that they would look at him differently, or change how they treated him. With James he didn’t have to worry about that.
Yet, on the other hand, he had grown so close to this person. Wouldn’t it be a wonderful feeling to sit down over coffee or something and just talk to one another? To be able to put a face to the person that was becoming so real to him.
Abruptly Brian sat forward and pulled up his yahoo messenger. Within a minute he had added the email to his friends list. It logged it in and popped up the alert to let him know that he was online right now. Brian couldn’t stop the small thrill that ran through him. To be able to actually sit and have a conversation with him! How much different would that be? Just as he was getting ready to say hi, a chat box popped open and there he was.
James: Well fancy seeing you here, cowboy. Wasn’t sure you’d add me ;)
Laughter bubbled up in Brian’s chest. He tried to think of the last time that he had laughed so easily. Nothing came to mind. Eagerly he leaned forward and started to type.
Frick: How could I resist?
James: LMAO
James: I know, I’m irresistible, right? ;)
Frick: Don’t get ahead of yourself there, boy
James: BOY? Hm. I may have to rethink this.
Brian couldn’t help it. He was chuckling as he read the banter they had going. It felt so easy to talk like this with James. Almost as if it had been something they’d done a million times before. He was glad he’d decided to add him. His eyes flashed back to the screen when a ding signified a new message.
James: So, I did this so I could answer ur question. Partly because I wasn’t sure what u want 2 know about the mental jazz. What do u want 2 know?
Frick: You said you didn’t realize what he was doing at first.
Frick: What made you realize it?
The answer was a long time in coming. So long that Brian wondered if he’d overstepped by asking something a little too personal. Had he crossed a line? But then the ding again, and James’s reply popped up.
James: Can’t say it was ne 1 thing that made me c
James: More like, I started 2 notice the lil things that were shitty
Frick: So it wasn’t a sudden thing, but more gradual?
James: What’s he doing that’s got u wonderin there luv
Frick: That transparent?
James: :P
Frick: It’s just little things, you know? Like, small comments that don’t really seem like much. I don’t want to be blowing it out of proportion or anything.
Frick: Maybe I’m just reading them wrong
James: Lil comments, huh?
James: ‘Baby, you should wear this tonight. It distracts from the little belly you’re starting to get.’
James: ‘Why do you wanna go there? You know how embarrassed you get when you drink and start doing stupid things. It happens every time.’
James: ‘I’m sorry I yelled at you like that. Sometimes you just make me so mad! Why can’t you understand how I feel? Why is it always about what YOU want?’
James: Sound familiar?
Brian rocked back in his seat. He couldn’t bring himself to respond as those sentences jumped out at him. Moments with Dave flashed through his mind. The wording might not have been exact, but sometimes it was similar enough that it scared Brian. Was he really letting his boyfriend pull a mental game on him? The thought was devastating.
Frick: A little.
Frick: I feel like an idiot.
James: No, never that, luv.
James: Do u have any idea how long I was with the guy who did this 2 me? If I sit n add up all the time we were 2gether n don’t count the periods in between where I broke up w him n then got back 2gether
Frick: How long?
James: Two years.
Frick: Wow
James: Yeah. So trust me when I say ur not n idiot. Ur just like ne1 else – ur in luv
Frick: It doesn’t feel like love.
The admission surprised even Brian. He hadn’t realized that the thought was there until after he’d hit enter. Jesus. How long had he felt like that and not realized? Most importantly, why did it take this man who was almost a stranger to get him to admit it?
James: No, after a while it doesn’t really, does it? N by ur silence, I bet that’s the first time u realized it, huh?
Frick: Yeah
James: I wont lie 2 u. it doesn’t get ne easier. But it does get more bearable. Right now u feel like ur the worst kind of boyfriend. U think ur the lowest of low, having ur man not love you and not even realizing it. Even more so if u still find urself wanting 2 b w/ him still.
James: But trust me when I say ur not. There is nothing wrong w u. Ur a normal guy, just like ne1 else.
Frick: How is it normal to discover that you’ve been with someone for so long and you’re just now realizing, after someone else pointed it out, that your partner doesn’t love you.
James: The heart is blind where love is concerned. When we see with our hearts, we’re looking through those rose colored lenses, luv.
Frick: I don’t know what to do with myself right now.
James: That’s up 2 u. What r u feeling?
Frick: Betrayed. Hurt. Confused. Upset. Tired. Take your pick
James: Yeah, amen to all that. But plz, keep 1 thing in mind. Ur not the only 1 who’s been through this. I was there 2 at 1 point.
Frick: You seem so calm though.
James: lol! Yeah, now I do. :P Nerd. U shoulda seen me a year ago. Good gad man, I was a wreck. Did some really stupid things in my grief. Don’t wanna see u get like that.
Frick: If I do, I know who to get a hold of.
James: Anytime, no matter what. Ur not alone.
Leaning back in his seat, Brian found that he was smiling again. The idea that his boyfriend didn’t love him was one that hurt, but that he could feel in his heart was true. Yet, like James had said, a part of him still wanted to be with Dave. Wanted to go to his house and wrap in his arms and hold him and be held. To forget this conversation ever happened.
But he was going to deal with this, because that’s what a person does. You don’t sit back and let someone walk all over you. Brian held that thought in his mind. James was right. He wasn’t alone in this. Even though they had only met a week ago, none of that mattered. What mattered was that James understood him, and could empathize with him. It wasn’t just a friendly ‘oh man I’m sorry’ but a ‘been there before’ kind of understanding.
The drivers shout interrupted Brian’s musings. “Pit stop, Mr. Littrell, Mr. Carter!”
From his spot in the bunk Nick’s snoring cut off and shuffling could be heard. Quickly Brian typed out his response.
Frick: Hey, I have to go for a bit. We’re at a pit stop and there’s some things I need. Then, I think maybe I’m going to think about what we’ve talked about.
James: Sounds like a good idea, luv. Some things r easier when u let urself process them a while, u know? U take care of urself for me tho, mkay? I’m growing pretty attached 2 talkin 2 u
Frick: Same goes here. See you later?
James: Yep. Either drop me a line or pop on here. If I’m online I’ll always be logged on lookin 4 u ;)
Frick: Later, James :)
James: chin up, ‘frick’, and remember, ppl care about u
James has logged off.