Brian stared at the clock on the wall and counted the seconds as they passed. Sometimes it helped to bring his temper down. At the moment, it wasn’t working. “Look, Dave, please. I didn’t call you just to start another fight. Can’t we let this go?” Brian begged his boyfriend of one year. He hated when they fought like this, especially when they were so far apart. Tours were always hard on Dave, and he refused to come with them. That was what they were currently fighting about on the phone, yet again.
“I just don’t understand why you keep pressing it, Brian. You know how I feel about it. What’s the point of me coming? I’d have my own room, and I’d never be able to touch you the way I want, or say what I want to.” Dave complained nastily.
“Just out in public. At night, we’d be together in my room, you know that! So it wouldn’t be perfect, but it’d be better than what we have now!”
“I’m not coming, and that’s that. I won’t go and put on a sham. I’m not going to put up with it, and with your friends crap either.”
That had Brian rolling his eyes and holding in a sigh. He knew where this was heading, and he really wasn’t in the mood for it. “How many times do I have to tell you, they don’t hate you, they’re my brothers and they love me, but not in the way you seem to think they do. You think that about everyone I meet, Dave, and it’s starting to get really annoying.”
There was silence on the other line. Already Brian regretted snapping at his boyfriend. Before he could apologize, Dave said “Well, if that’s the way you feel, then I guess I’ll just talk to you later. That is, if I don’t annoy you.” and hung up the phone.
Annoyance was a headache pulsing right behind Brian’s eyes. He closed his phone and stared at it, wondering when things had started to suck so much. He cared so much about Dave, there was no denying that. But sometimes, the man’s jealously could get overbearing, and it drove Brian insane. If he’d tried to pull with Dave what Dave pulled with him, he’d get his head bitten off.
Too wired to sleep, Brian tapped his fingers on his leg and looked around the semi dark hotel room. There was no way he was going to be able to go to sleep, and everyone else had long since gone to bed. With a sigh, Brian grabbed his laptop case and propped himself up in bed. When all else failed, there was always something to do online. He could surf around, find a game to play, hit a chat room, or check his email.
He went to his privet email first, the address that was under an assumed name. Only his closest friends and his family knew about it. He read through the usual letter from his mom, and sent a lengthy reply back to her. There was a forward from Nick that made him laugh, and a quick letter full of jokes from AJ that had him almost rolling off the bed.
Down at the bottom, though, he noticed another letter from an address he didn’t recognize. Who on earth was this from? He had spam blockers up, so the ads generally didn’t get through. But he had no idea who it was. Thinking that one of the guys had made a new email, Brian opened it. Surprise had him reading it a second time.
Dear Brian:
I know that you’re probably wondering who this email is from. Go figure, huh? Well, I just hope you actually read this and don’t delete it. I’m, well, let’s just say that I’m a friend of a friend. Someone who knows you very well gave me your email and told me to go ahead and write you. There are some things that I just feel I need to say, and I’m a coward in some ways, so I’m writing you an email.
I’ve met you before, and you’ve made quite an impression with me. Combine that with what I’ve heard about you, and I just enjoy it so much more. You have such a fun personality, and are so cheerful so often, even when you’re hurting on the inside. Now, please don’t think that I’m a stalker. I swear I’m not. Really. I’m just a guy who would like to get to know you better, but is too shy to come to you face to face and tell you that I’m interested. Plus, rumor has it that you have a boyfriend, albeit a jerky one, but a boyfriend none the less.
Well, that’s ok by me. I’m not here to tell you I want to be in a relationship. But I thought you might like to know that there are other people out there who know what it’s like. To be gay. To be in a relationship with someone that you care very deeply about, but who you feel is constantly breaking your heart. To be in a crowd of people and yet sometimes still manage to feel so alone. I know what that feels like. I want you to know that you’re not. You are definitely not alone. If you’ll have me as your friend, I’ll be here for you.
I’m not asking anything from you, or at least, anything that’s difficult. I would love to just email back and forth with you, get to know one another. More than anything in the world right now, it sounds as if you need a friend. One who’s not there, in your face. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to people in a letter than it is to their face. That I can understand as well. And I’ll be honest; I could use a friend too. The relationship you’re in right now? I just came out of one like that. At least, from what I hear, they’d be similar.
So, yeah. If you don’t write me back, I understand. But, if you do, I would love to be your friend.
Sincerely,
Well, for now, let’s call me James. :)
Brian stared at the screen for a few minutes. He found himself chuckling as he wondered who on earth this person was. A friend of a friend? Did that mean he was a friend of one of the other guys? Obviously he was close to someone, because he knew that Brian was gay, and he knew about his relationship with his boyfriend and how shaky it currently was. There wasn’t a stalker feel to the letter, so he didn’t worry about that. Each one of the guys had gotten used to the idea that some people would stalk them. At least, as used to it as a person can get. Plus, no one but those close to him had this email, so it had to have been passed along by someone who knew him.
Something about the letter intrigued him. He wondered who this person was. Why they wanted to be friends with him. From the first part of the letter, it sounded if they had a, well, a crush on him. But then it turned to talk of friendship. The idea of having a person that he could talk to that was outside the band, outside his family and his boyfriend, that was interesting, and almost exactly what he needed right at the moment. Before he could change his mind, he hit the reply button.
Dear “James”:
I have to admit that your letter intrigued me. Where did you get my email from? This email is one that only those close to me have, and I’m curious to see which one of my friends gave it out. Your letter surprised me, but at the same time, it flattered me. I wish I knew who you were, so I could return the compliments.
Since you obviously already know quite a bit about me, I’ll go ahead and say that a friend would actually be good for me. Perfect, really. Sometimes I love my friends, but when you’re practically living with them, it gets kind of hard to go and hunt them down and complain to them about things in your life. You feel almost embarrassed if you try. You know that they’ll be there for you, and listen to you, and all of that. But, I don’t know. I guess I’m just weird about things like that. Plus, none of them have been in my position. None of them understand. None of them are gay.
I guess what this boils down to is that I’m going to do something that’s totally out of character for me. I’m going to tell you that I’d love to email back and forth with you and such like that. It’ll be nice to have someone who understands, really understands, what I’m going through.
So, yeah. Write me back when or if you want to.
Later,
Brian
He hit the send button before he could stop himself. Even as he did, he wondered what he was doing. This wasn’t normal for him, to be this outspoken. But it did feel right to him. With a firm nod he closed the computer and settled down in his bed to try to sleep.