Brian couldn’t believe his eyes. He could barely get his mouth to work beyond that one word. Beyond his name. Alex. Holy Jesus, AJ was here. At the hospital. In his room! Very obviously livid too. Yet even angry, he still looked beautiful to Brian, and was a sigh for sore eyes. He couldn’t help drinking in the sight of him.
Even dressed in hospital clothes AJ managed to look good. God, he’d missed him!
“I’m waiting, Brian Thomas Littrell.” AJ’s voice was low, raspy, and hard as nails. “I want to know what the fuck is going on, and I want to know right the fuck now.” He took another step forward, and Brian couldn’t make himself look away from those angry eyes as AJ continued to hiss at him. “What is this shit? How long have you known it’s been back? Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? How long did you plan on keeping it from me? Oh, and most importantly. What the fuck were you thinking to break up with me just because you didn’t want me to know your mother fucking cancer was back, you little son of a bitch!”
Each word hit Brian like a physical blow. He flinched into himself, his eyes going down to his lap. Absently he fiddled with his shirt, a habit he’d picked up from AJ. “I found out when you were at your mom’s house.” He started off quietly. At first the words were hard to force out of his throat, it was so swollen with emotion and dry from an afternoon of heaving. “They said the cancer is recurrent now, because it’s come back again.”
He heard AJ moving as he spoke, but he didn’t look up. When he finished his sentence something was being pressed into his hand. He looked up to find AJ giving him a cup of water. Grateful, Brian sipped off of it, easing the ache in this throat. He watched as AJ took a seat in the nearby chair, turning it enough to face Brian head on. He didn’t speak anymore, obviously waiting for Brian to answer all his questions.
“I came here straight from our house on, uh, that day. Been here since then. They’re doing a stronger chemo this time to try and knock it back down, and we’re going to do stem cell transplant. They’re keeping a close eye on things. If it moves to my spinal column or any important organs they’ll start radiation as well.”
He took another sip of the water, looking back down at his lap. “I didn’t want to tell you.” It was harder than he would have thought to admit that. “I still don’t like you knowing. I don’t want you to go through this with me again, Alex. You did it once. That was bad enough. You deserve someone who can be happy and healthy with you. With the cancer recurrent, my survival rate goes down. I…I won’t sit here and make you watch me die.”
The oath that slipped past AJ’s lips would have had any of the nurses flushing if they had been able to hear him. Furious all over again, AJ glared at Brian. “I told you one fucking time, Brian, and I’ll tell you again. I would rather be with you, see you, and spend every moment I can with you, than to know that I couldn’t be with you before you died. If the Lord took you tomorrow, I’d bless every moment we had together, and grieve over each moment lost.”
“You deserve better than this, Age. You deserve a partner who doesn’t have to fight cancer in a daily battle.”
Suddenly AJ was launching up off the chair. His hands planted on either side of Brian’s legs and his face was inches from Brian’s face. “Listen to me, and you listen well.” AJ hissed out, his eyes bright with anger. “No matter what you think I deserve, or any of that other bullshit, it doesn’t fucking matter. I love you. You. Do you get that? No one else. I’m not going to go out and find someone better. There is no one better for me. The sooner you get that through your thick fucking skull, the sooner we can finally be happy.”
Tears filled Brian’s eyes, flooding to fall in rivers down his cheeks. He opened his mouth to speak, to tell AJ how much he loved him, when the nausea kicked back in. On a wave of it, Brian snapped his mouth and eyes closed, trying to control it.
A second later AJ’s fingers pressed against that spot behind his ear, his other fingers finding and pushing the point on his wrist, almost totally cutting the nausea away. Brian gratefully opening his eyes. He wanted to argue his points with AJ. To say the reasons that he had done all of this, and why it had seemed right at the time. He wanted to tell him why it was a bad idea for him to be there.
But with AJ’s finger pressing on that pressure point, his face was only inches away from Brian’s. So when he opened his eyes, he was staring straight into AJ’s brown ones. Love filled him to the brim, overflowing. What else could he do but look at his love and say “I’m sorry, Alex. I love you.”
There was a small softening to AJ’s eyes. Others wouldn’t have noticed it, but Brian knew his love well. He saw it there. “Don’t pull that sweet shit with me, Littrell. I’m still pissed at you.” AJ warned him. But, his voice wasn’t as angry as it had been.
Looking at him, Brian felt those walls he’d tried to build up start to crumble away. When they were at a distance he had been able to convince himself that he was doing the right thing, no matter what his heart screamed at him. He’d been able to keep himself from contacting AJ and trying to take it all back. No matter that he’d been miserable in the past six days. More miserable than ever before in his life.
Now that AJ was here, right in front of him, with those beautiful eyes snapping with temper. That full mouth turned down in an angry pout. Well, how could he resist him? Before he realized it, Brian’s free hand came up, lightly resting over AJ’s heart. “I thought it was for the best.” He said gently. “I was wrong. I love you, Alex, more than anything or anyone else.”
There it was again. A slight softening to AJ’s eyes. Very gently he started to rub his fingers over those pressure points before slowly drawing away. It left Brian feeling better. The nausea was gone again.
AJ raised one hand, taking hold of Brian’s and lacing their fingers together. “You weren’t the only one that messed up.” He said with a sigh. Some more of his anger left his face. “I knew something wasn’t right about how you left me, but I wallowed so much in being hurt that I didn’t really think about it.” This time when AJ’s eyes connected with his again, Brian could see a shadow of pain. Pain that he had caused. It cause his heart to break a little more.
“I need to say a few things, and I need to know a few things, Bri. The first is, well, does this mean you want me around you again? Here at the hospital and all that kind of stuff, I mean. Back in a relationship, like real partners?”
In the face of this, how could Brian answer him no? He couldn’t fight it, couldn’t deny it, and was done running from it. “I want you here with me. Today, tomorrow, forever. Just with me, no matter what. I love you. I want us to be real partners, Alex.”
“You’re not going to just say that now, and then later on decide again that it’s too much for me and push me away? You commit to this, Bri, you commit all the way.” AJ said firmly.
“You’ve proved to me time and again that even when I’ve tried to, pushing you away doesn’t work. I won’t try it again, baby.” Brian reassured him. How could he try it again? Just sitting here holding AJ’s hand was calming him in ways that he had needed more than anything else.
AJ straightened his back, and his hand tightened convulsively on Brian’s. The anger was gone from his face, but there was still grief there. Grief that Brian wanted to chase away for him. But before he could do anything, AJ looked toward the wall and shame crept onto his face. “I need to tell you something first. I need you to know before you decide how much you want me here.” He whispered. Tension practically radiated from every inch of him. “I fell off the proverbial wagon. I’ve spent the past forty eight hours staring at the bottom of a bottle. I’m not proud of it. I sure as hell don’t plan on doing it again. But, what’s done is done.”
“I know.” Brian whispered. When AJ turned surprised eyes toward him, Brian couldn’t help his small smile. “Lover, you called and left me a drunken message. It’s why Howie went to check on you. Nick checked my phone, found your message, dispatched Howie over there, and came here to yell at me for making you slip off the wagon by being stupid. I’m not going to hold it against you.”
Love lit AJ’s face. He turned, stepping gently toward Brian, his lips curving into a smile. All the pain disappeared from his eyes until only love shone there. It filled Brian, chasing away his own pain and grief, making everything in the world seem a little bit brighter. AJ took that last step toward him and they let go of one another’s hands to reach out and wrap in each other’s arms.
For just a brief second Brian was content, inhaling that scent that was purely AJ, feeling his warmth, those familiar muscles as he wrapped his arms around AJ’s waist and resting his head against his shoulder. AJ’s arms came around his shoulders, bringing him close. But suddenly AJ jumped, flinching in Brian’s arms. He didn’t pull away, but the both of them went perfectly still.
Brian lifted his head, concern on his face. “What did I do?” he asked quietly.
An embarrassed smile curved AJ’s lips. Color flooded his cheeks. “I uh, well. You know how stupid I get when I’m drunk. I’d had enough jack that I was still at the happy stage.” The flush grew brighter as they pulled back just a little to better look at one another. AJ brought a hand up, rubbing at the skin on his head nervously. “The doorbell rang, an it made me jump. I was laughing at myself when it rang and scared me again. I kind of tumbled down the stairs.”
“You what?!” Brian cried out, looking his lover over for signs of injuries.
“Yeah. D broke my door down, but we didn’t really find anything wrong. I was laying there drinking away. He tricked me down to the bathroom and put me in the stall and showered me with cold water till I woke up.” Here AJ paused to roll his eyes, and Brian had to resist snickering. “Next thing I know I’m mostly sober, and I ached like fuck. D brought me here, and the doctors patched me up.”
“Patched up? Like what?”
Embarrassed all over again, AJ held up his wrist cast. “Just a small break. It’ll set quickly, be good to go in no time.” He mumbled.
“But, hugging you…your ribs. You hurt your ribs.” Brian’s eyes grew at the realization.
“Well, just bruised them. They’re just a little tender, love. That’s it.”
From the doorway another voice spoke, and it was packed full of annoyance. “Alexander James Mclean and Brian Thomas Littrell. You two are in deep shit.”
The two men jumped and turned their heads to look at where Howie stood in the doorway, hands on hips, glaring at them. He stepped into the room, Nick in tow. “I finally found you after I tried to have you paged over the intercom and tried your cell and everything. Then Nick found me, and told me everything. Everything. You two are the biggest fools I’ve ever met.”
Striding the rest of the way forward, Howie slapped a sandwich still in plastic wrap against AJ’s chest. “Now sit the fuck down, eat that God damn thing, and I want you two to tell me exactly what’s going on.”