The force of the sandwich knocking into his chest wasn’t hard, but it was enough that AJ stumbled slightly. Now that temper was fading, his dizziness was coming back. Without thinking about it he perched on the edge of Brian’s bed, grabbing hold of the footboard to try and bring the room back under control. Jesus.
“Alex? Baby, what is it?” Brian’s voice was right by him, full of concern, and he was wrapping his arm around AJ’s shoulders. Great. Just fucking great. Barely back around him and already he was worrying Brian, the one person who didn’t need to worry right then.
Still annoyed, Howie was glaring at them, hands on his hips. “Didn’t tell him what you did, huh AJ? Didn’t you fess up to your own BS or did you just spend time shouting at him about his stupidity?”
“Hey!” Brian snapped up at him. “Lay off. He told me he drank. He told me about the stairs. So chill.”
“Yeah? Did he tell you he hasn’t fucking eaten for six fucking days? He lost ten fucking pounds over the last week. Or that he’s barely drank anything but coffee and booze? He’s malnourished and dehydrated right now, and he’s under doctor’s orders to eat!”
The room grew silent. AJ felt the arm around his shoulders stiffen and he couldn’t stop himself from slumping down a little. In the pretense of ignoring them all he opened the sandwich and took a bite, not even paying attention to what it was. He chewed his food and waited for the explosion he knew was going to come. Sure enough, he wasn’t disappointed.
Brian’s hand cupped his chin, turning him so that they were face to face. “You haven’t been eating?”
“I uh, wasn’t hungry.” AJ mumbled around his food. “You know me. I forget to eat all the time.”
“For six days?” Brian snapped out. He rolled his eyes and gently climbed from bed, trying not to jostle his body too much. The stupid chemo made him ache something fierce. He ignored it as best he could as he grabbed another glass and poured water from his ever present pitcher. Glaring, he held it out to AJ until he took it.
AJ at least had the grace to look slightly ashamed. “I was a little depressed, ok? I don’t eat when I’m depressed. Trust me, I’ll make up for it.” When Brian made to open his mouth, AJ looked up, deciding he’d had enough of being lectured. “Don’t rag on my ass, Bri. I’m eating now, and I’ll eat more. It’s done with. There’s no changing it, so drop it.”
To the surprise of them all, Brian huffed back to the bed, but he sat down quietly.
That didn’t mean that Howie was done, though. In very clear terms he told AJ what he thought of his stupidity, and what he had done, and cursed him eight ways to Sunday about falling off the wagon and letting himself go for six days without food. Then he turned his anger to Brian, lecturing him about keeping all of this a secret and trying to hide it from them all. After that he rounded on Nick and started in on him, angry that Nick had helped keep the secret.
Chewing on a bite of his sandwich, which he found out was chicken salad and really wasn’t that bad, AJ leaned over toward Brian and whispered “Pretty soon he’s going to bring that finger up as he yells. The Latin side is coming out.”
Sure enough, Howie raised a finger, waving it in Nick’s face as he continued to lecture. Unable to resist, Brian snickered lightly under his breath. Then he could only marvel at himself. Earlier in the day everything had seemed so hopeless. There had only been fear and pain and this sense of mental exhaustion. Now he was sitting on his hospital bed with AJ by his side, watching as AJ happily munched on a sandwich and polished off a second cup of water.
Sighing, Brian leaned in to AJ, just needing that contact. Automatically AJ opened his arm, letting Brian snug in against him. For just that simple moment Brian let himself go. He sighed, releasing the tension in his body so that he practically melted into AJ. In response, AJ shifted his body more against the footboard, drawing a knee up and resting back. For a second Brian looked, trying to adjust himself, and then he smiled and gave up. With a grin on his face he pulled his legs up on the bed and laid his body down so that his head rested in AJ’s lap.
Over by the door Howie continued his lecture, with Nick trying to interject his own comments into the mix. He wasn’t getting very far. Howie had moved from just lecturing and into telling Nick what they were going to do, and what he should have done.
Brian zoned it out. None of it mattered to him at that moment. One of AJ’s arms came up, idly stroking up and down Brian’s back in a gesture that was so familiar and so soothing that it was chasing away any leftover tension in Brian’s body.
Chemo left him feeling drained usually, once the sickness passed. This was no different. The first time he’d done this the chemo had made him tired, but this time they had upped the dosage and so its side effects were stronger. More often than not he felt as if he was battling a severe case of the flu. Body aches, nausea, and just that all around feeling of being tired.
AJ bent down, pressing a light kiss to Brian’s temple. He couldn’t help but tip his head up and look into those brown eyes that held so much love for him. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. Those two words seemed so inadequate, and yet they contained a wealth of emotion. In them he put everything that he felt, hoping that AJ would hear it and understand.
As always, AJ read him better than anyone. He kept his head down, close enough to whisper back without Howie hearing him. “I love you, Brian. We were both idiots with this. But we’ll work past it. I’m here for you now, and we’re going to get through this just like we did before. I’ll take care of you, whether you like it or not, ok?”
The teasing threat at the end had the desired effect. Brian found himself smiling. Inside he felt the broken places around his heart start to heal. Things would be ok now. He had been an idiot to push AJ away from him. Being with his partner made him feel whole again. Gave him the will to fight. In a way that he hadn’t been able to since the day he’d left, Brian relaxed. His eyes slid closed. It was enough to just feel AJ beside him. To smell that scent that was purely him. To feel that hand sliding up and down his back. Within minutes the two men fell asleep.
It was Nick who noticed. He held a hand up in the middle of Howie’s rant, pushing it against his friends mouth. When Howie would have pulled back and shouted at him, Nick held his other hand up, putting a finger to his lips for a second before pointing at the bed.
Howie turned around, looking at his two friends. Brian, sound asleep with his head in AJ’s lap. AJ, backed against the footboard with his chin to his chest. With a sigh, Howie let his anger go. “Let’s get out of here and let them sleep. They need it.” He said softly. “We’ve got things to do.”
The two men left the room. Halfway down the hallway, Nick finally spoke. “You would have done the same thing in my shoes, Howie.” He said softly, never looking over at his friend. “This wasn’t something I could step in the middle of. I have no right to interfere in their relationship, or anything like that. He’s an adult, and this is his body. He’s not obligated to tell the rest of us what happens.”
They stayed silent for a ways. All the way until they were back out in the regular part of the hospital and were almost to the main exit. Just as they went out the doors, Howie sighed again. “I know, Nick. You did what you thought was right for your best friend. I can’t be pissed at you for that.”
He ran a hand through his hair as they headed toward their cars. “I guess it was just fear. I had to bust in the door at J’s when I heard the thump, and I found him at the bottom of the stairs. Then I get him sober, get him here, and find out he broke his wrist, bruised his ribs. He hasn’t been eating, and as far as they can tell he’s only really drank alcohol.”
The two stopped by Howie’s car, which was parked closer than Nick’s. They both leaned their backs against it for a moment as Howie continued to talk. “Then J disappears when I’m going to get food for him, and I couldn’t find him anywhere. I was freaking out. Then I run into you, and find out all this shit with Brian. I just kind of flipped I guess. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, D.” Nick leaned over, bumping his shoulder against Howie’s. “I was on that point myself. Bri had me check his messages and shit, and I heard that one from Bone. I was freaking out pretty hard too. At least you didn’t yell at a man while he was puking his guts out into a toilet. Talk about feeling like shit.”
One of Howie’s eyebrows quirked. “You yelled at Brian while he puked?”
“Well, kind of. I made him listen to the message, and we were arguing. Then he started to puke and cry and all that. Made me feel like instant shit. I didn’t like doing it, Howie. I really didn’t. I know I’m just as responsible as Bri for AJ falling off the wagon…”
At that comment Howie turned, putting a hand up in the air to cut him off. “Wait. Stop the train right there. No one but AJ is responsible for his drinking. He knows that. You weren’t there pouring it down his throat against his will. He’s responsible for his own actions, Nick. There are other ways to deal with depression. So don’t take responsibility for that. All you’re guilty of is helping out your best friend, and really, there’s not that much a crime in that.”
“Thanks, D.”
“No prob.” Howie finally offered him a smile. “I got some entertainment out of today. I got to shower Age.”
That had Nick laughing in surprise. “What?”
With an evil grin, Howie moved to unlock his car. “I sobered him up by tricking him into his shower. That fucker is huge. Then I sprayed the shit out of him with straight cold water. Worked before. Worked this time too.”
Nick’s laughter echoed through the parking garage. “No fucking way! Oh God, that would have been priceless to see! He probably fucking blistered the shit out of yours ears.”
“I doubt everything he said was even anatomically possible, Nick.” Howie said dryly. That brought on another round of laughter.