The next few days were some of the roughest that Brian had ever gone through in all of his treatment. Never before in his life could he remember being this violently ill, or feeling this horrible. His entire body seemed to constantly ache, and he almost always had a headache. His body felt weak, which drove him crazy. He remembered that feeling of weakness from his heart surgeries. It had been hard to deal with then. But this, this felt more like he’d been battling the worst case of the flu. Just getting up from bed to use the restroom was exhausting.
They had put in his catheter as well, using that to administer his medications and to draw blood as needed. The process had been easier than he had thought it would be. They’d only had to give him a local to get it done. Now that it was in, it was easy for them to do what was needed, and he was learning how to move around it.
Thank God for AJ staying with him. Even when Brian felt irritable and snapped, which was honestly more often than not, AJ still stayed there. He didn’t let Brian’s mood get him down, and he never faltered in being there to help care for him. Even if Brian didn’t always act appreciative of that care. Add on top of that all of his fear that things were going to go badly.
On his last day of his chemo regime, the day before the BMT, Brian and AJ were getting ready to go meet with the guys at the glass room. They agreed that it was smart to do it later in the evening, almost toward dinner time. In the mornings Brian liked to take advantage of feeling well by watching TV, talking with AJ, and just having some alone time with his partner. In the afternoons he was either getting his chemo, or feeling insanely sick from it. Usually by about five to six o’clock he was back to feeling mostly normal, just tired.
That tiredness combined with how sick he felt had Brian feeling extremely irritable. He knew it, and he couldn’t stop it. More than anything he wanted to go visit his friends, his brothers, but he couldn’t stop himself from crabbing with AJ about it. Depression was lurking at the edges of his mind, held off only by his temper.
“I’m gonna look like shit going in there, J!” Brian exclaimed in his after-vomit raspy voice. “All that’s going to do is freak them out more.”
“They’ll freak more if they don’t get to see you at all.” AJ told him calmly.
“Yeah, well, who gives a shit?”
AJ reached a hand up, running the back of his knuckles across Brian’s cheek. “You know you do, or you’d never have agreed to see them to begin with.”
Grumbling, Brian still found himself leaning into AJ’s touch. “Maybe I’m changing my mind.” He felt his forehead wrinkle as his face set into sulky lines. “I’m tired and I don’t feel good.”
“When we get back I’ll help you get to sleep.”
As he spoke AJ started to move around the bed, adjusting Brian’s blankets and such so that he was covered. The bed was elevated so that Brian was in a sitting position. One thing that the Nurses had insisted on, and Brian hadn’t been able to argue with, was that he was too weak and tired to walk all the way to the glass room and back again. So they had cleared the bed in there out, and Brian’s bed was going to be wheeled down. He hated it. To think that he was that freaking weak that he couldn’t even walk down a few halls!
At least AJ had got Joyce on his side and had learned how to move the beds so that he could be the one to take Brian down and back. That was better than being led by a procession of nurses. A little better.
Satisfied that Brian was all tucked in, AJ snapped on his gloves to keep his hands sanitary and then brought the stuff over to help Brian glove up. Even though they were just leaving the room they both had to be geared up. AJ even had on the slippers over his shoes to keep them clean, and a hat on his bald head.
Brian grumbled again but he took the gloves from AJ and put them on. He hated how those stupid gloves felt. He hated having to wear them. It was bullshit. He hated having to put the mask on even more. “This is so stupid.” He said as he pulled the mask over his head and AJ tied it off for him.
“Stupider than getting a virus that could kill you just because you don’t want to be seen wearing a mask?” AJ asked.
There was no answer for that, so Brian crossed his arms and sulked while AJ put his own mask on. Within minutes they were both ready and AJ was wheeling the bed out into the hall. Brian closed his eyes, finding that the lights and movement hurt both his eyes and his head, as well as made his stomach give a slight echo of the earlier nausea.
It seemed like forever even though it was only a few moments before AJ was wheeling him into the glass room. He stubbornly kept his eyes closed even though they had stopped moving. Yes, on one hand he wanted to see his friends. But on the other, all he really wanted to do was curl up in this bed and go to sleep. AJ sensed his mood and didn’t speak. He just sat on the foot of the bed, one hand resting on the blankets over Brian’s calf.
It was another minute later before footsteps echoed on the other side of the glass wall. He heard AJ say “Hey, guys.” And all of them say Hi in return. But still he kept his eyes closed and his arms crossed. God, he felt like shit. Didn’t any of them understand that?
“Thanks for seeing us, guys.” Kevin said. His tone was sincere and kind. For some reason that irritated Brian even more. He snorted, mumbling “Like I had a fucking choice.”
Since he wasn’t looking he missed the surprised looks on their faces when they heard him say ‘fucking’, and he missed the grin and eye roll that AJ gave them all in response.
“We’re still grateful.” It was Howie who spoke this time. “It’s hard to not be able to see you. We do understand it, we just worry. Are you doing ok with everything?”
“Oh absolutely peachy fucking keen. Best I’ve ever been in my entire fucking life.” Brian snapped out. Fuck them, asking questions like that. As if he would be ok with all this! The treatment that was going to save his life could also potentially kill him! How the hell was he supposed to be ‘ok’?
Nick pressed a hand against the glass. Finally opening his eyes, Brian looked over at his best friend. He regretted his attitude when he saw the worry in Nick’s eyes. He didn’t want to worry them all. He wanted them to feel better. That had been part of the purpose of this visit, to reassure them. “Sorry, guys.” He mumbled.
“It’s ok, Frick. We can’t imagine how hard this is. We just wanted to be here, to let you know we care and we love you and all that stuff.” Nick said.
“I appreciate it. I really do, even if I’m not acting like it. I just can’t seem to help the attitude. Even when I try, it’s still sitting in there.”
Snorting, AJ leaned back against the footrest of the bed. At Brian’s glare he just simply smiled. Then he crossed his eyes over the top of his mask and Brian couldn’t stop himself from laughing lightly. God bless AJ for always seeming to know what to do. If it wasn’t for him, Brian was sure that he would have gone crazy by then.
“So, what time does it all start tomorrow?” Kevin asked them.
It was AJ who answered. “About eight in the morning, they said. Not sure how long it takes, really. Until it’s all in. I’ll let you guys know how everything goes.”
“You’ll be in there with him?”
AJ gave him a look that suggested he was stupid for having asked such a question. He didn’t even bother to respond. Instead he stood up, grabbing the cup off the bottom of the bed and bringing it up to Brian. How he knew that Brian was thirsty before he could even ask was something that Brian didn’t know, but he appreciated it.
For a while they talked of mundane things. Pretty soon Brian was starting to get a little drifty, and he was talking less and less. It took too much air and energy to talk for so long. So they all started to say their goodbyes, and Brian forced himself to focus.
“We’ll talk to you as soon as we can, Bri.” Howie told him, touching a hand to the glass.
“That’s right.” Nick chimed in. “Soon as we’re allowed we’ll come see you. Just concentrate on good thoughts, ok? They say that helps I guess with medical shit.”
“Don’t worry about it all, Brian. I have faith that it’ll be ok, and I’ll say an extra prayer for you.” Kevin said.
That was the last straw on Brian’s temper. Why, he didn’t know. But it set it off like fire on kindling. “Pray for me?” He scoffed, sitting up a little in bed. AJ’s hand on his shoulder kept him back, but it didn’t stop his mouth. “Don’t waste your fucking breath praying for me. I’ve prayed through this whole fucking cancer and it hasn’t done shit for me. Fuck praying. I don’t give a shit to pray to someone who wants to do this shit to me over and over again.”
Kevin gaped in shock. “Brian Thomas Littrell!” he gasped out.
“Oh shove it, Kevin! Fuck the prayers, and Fuck G-”
A hand clamped over Brian’s mouth, cutting him off. He found himself looking into AJ’s warm chocolate eye. “Don’t even say it.” His lover told him in a gentle voice. “Don’t go there, Bri. You’d hate yourself for it later. Let’s just get you back to our room.”
Knowing that AJ was right, Brian grumbled again and snuggled into his bed a little more. He closed his eyes, listening as AJ stepped around the bed to talk to the others about when he would get a hold of them, and plans to talk about how things went.
There was always something so soothing about the sound of AJ’s voice. As exhausted as he was, Brian found himself starting to drift as he listened to AJ talk. His irritation started to fade, and so did his fears. Sheer exhaustion took them away, leaving him yawning and curling up in the bed for real. He never noticed the blankets being drawn over him, or that the bed had started to move again.
It was only when the hall lights hit his eyelids that Brian realized they were moving. He must have made a small sound because AJ leaned over the back of the bed and hushed him lightly. “Just sleep, love. We’ll be there shortly and I’ll climb in with you. Just sleep now.”
That sounded like such a good idea. With a small yawn, Brian slid into sleep.