The entire next day at the hospital was spent in testing. MRI’s, CT scans, blood tests, a PET scan, a chest x-ray, heart tests. Brian felt like a lab rat being run through all the machines. The minute they were done with one test they were moving him on to another. Some of them he was familiar with, and others he wasn’t.
He’d done the heart tests before, which were an echo and an EKG. He also had what they called a skeletal survey, which was a series of x-rays of the skull and long bones.
With as many x-rays and scans and such that they’d done he was surprised that he wasn’t glowing by the end of the day. AJ wasn’t allowed with him through the testing, and Brian understood the why behind it. But he felt weird, not having AJ by his side. They had become attached at the hip through all of this, never going somewhere without the others, always doing things together.
But these were just tests, that wasn’t something difficult. If he couldn’t make it through tests without AJ, then he was a pretty pathetic person. He was a grown man, for God’s sake. He didn’t need someone holding his hand just because they were scanning him and drawing his blood.
Brian had to smile at his own thoughts. Who are you kidding? He taunted himself as he climbed onto the MRI table. You’re scared shitless and you want him with you, whether it makes you a kid or not. No amount of lecturing will change that, idiot.
As the table moved him in and the machine closed around him, Brian gave a brief smile. Maybe so much time around AJ was rubbing off on him, if he was starting to have conversations with himself. AJ was notorious for those. Those thoughts and memories sustained him a while as the machine turned on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
AJ was kicked back in a comfortable chair in the glass room, waiting for the others to be brought to talk to him. One leg he kicked up over the armrest, his foot bouncing in the air. He dropped his head back against the chair and closed his eyes, wishing vaguely for a cigarette. That would definitely be soothing right then.
Carefully he wrapped a hand around his stomach, lightly holding his ribs with his injured wrist. Good God, but he was really starting to ache. Why the hell was it that injuries always took a few days for the pain to really settle in? He’d had bruised ribs before. What dancer hasn’t? Or a drunk, for that matter. But back then he hadn’t had a problem taking a narcotic for the pain.
Now, with his history, he didn’t feel comfortable taking prescription medications. There was always that fear in the back of his mind that he would be too tempted by taking them. That he might never stop taking them again. Look at what he’d done with alcohol. It was just too easy to slide back that route again.
But that meant he was stuck with Aleve or Advil or something equally weak that didn’t really touch the pain. Even if it did, it never took away from the ache that tried to hit each time he breathed too deeply. Or the sharp pains that could settle into his wrist when he moved his fingers too much.
It probably wouldn’t ache so much if he wasn’t curled up in a hospital bed each night wrapped around Brian as close as they could get to one another. But he’d take every ache in the world just to have his baby in his arms. Not only that, but it was one way that kept Brian sane and happy. Those two things were more important to AJ’s world than anything else.
With his head laid back he tried to focus on steadying his breathing out and clearing his mind at the same time. He wanted to be prepared for when the others came to the other side of the glass. If he wasn’t strong, if he broke down the way that he wanted to and gave in to his fear, then they would be afraid. But if he was calm, cool, and collected when he told them about it, it would make things easier for them to take.
Sometimes it was a bitch, being the strong person. Sometimes he just wanted to sit down somewhere, curl up, and give in to a little pity party. Rant and rave and cry and bitch about the injustice of it all. But, he couldn’t do that. He had to be an adult about this. He would be strong for Brian. For all of them. By being strong for the others and keeping them calm, it would make them calmer when they saw Brian, and that was what Brian needed. He didn’t need people panicking over him.
So he did what he had to do to make his love as happy and comfortable as possible. That’s what you did for your partner.
The plan would have worked too if it hadn’t been for the fact that they came up so quietly AJ didn’t hear them. Suddenly Nick’s voice echoed in the room, calling out “Hey, Age, what the hell is going on?” and AJ practically flew out of the chair.
Halfway up his ribs protested to the movement, and the sharp breath he’d taken when he’d been startled didn’t help things either. He turned his body, bent at the waist, until his head touched the armrest. Air hitched in and out of his lungs as the pain exploded over his ribs and his chest. Jesus! Jesus fucking Christ that shit hurt!
He ignored anything they were saying to him for the moment. He had to focus on trying to get his breathing normal again. Each gasp that he gave in reaction to the pain only made the pain worse. He had to force his breathing to be normal. Slow, deep, indrawn breaths. Then, back out just as slowly. One. Two. Fuck that shit hurt! Three. Four. God, it was slowing down, but it was taking forever. Lights flickered at the edge of his vision.
By the time he reached the count of ten even breaths he had it back under control enough that he could slowly push away from the chair. He knew his face would be pale and that his hands were shaking. But he didn’t let himself dwell on it. There was more important things to be doing right then. He didn’t have time for this.
“Are you ok, J?” Howie asked him in concern.
AJ waved the question off with his good hand, keeping his other one wrapped on his ribs. “I’m fine, I’m fine.” He insisted. Using a foot he turned the chair enough that he would be able to sit back down. It was easier to sit and talk, if he was at the right angle. He took up the same position he’d had before Nick had scared the shit out of him.
“Your ribs still bothering you?” It was Kevin who spoke up this time.
“They’re fine, guys. I’m fine.”
Nick bit his lip and gave AJ an apologetic look. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought you’d hear us coming.”
“Jesus, guys, I said it’s fine. Drop it, would you?” AJ finally snapped. His temper was a little shorter than he’d thought it was. Pain did that to him. So did stress.
The look on Howie’s face said that he knew that. As his best friend, he was never able to resist tweaking AJ a little though. So he slapped a hand out against Nick’s stomach. “Ignore his attitude guys. You should be used to how he gets when he hurts. He’s a crab apple.”
“Fuck off, Howard.” AJ said in his most pleasant voice and with a sickly sweet smile. His friends just laughed.
But Kevin brought them back to the whole point of this. “Ok, catch us up on what’s happening. Why are we back to visiting through the glass again? The nurses at the desk said he’s in testing so why do we have to see you through the glass?”
Here was where it was important to keep calm. To say this in a way that wouldn’t instantly have them freaking out. No matter what he did they were going to freak a little. But he needed to make sure that they left feeling calmer. “They’re doing tests because Brian’s starting a different kind of chemo tomorrow. They’re preparing him for a bone marrow transplant. We just did a biopsy yesterday, so he’s a little tender right now anyways, and he gets crabbier than I do when he hurts.”
As he’d expected they all wore looks of panic. “Bone marrow transplant?” Nick whispered. His eyes were wide. “I read about those. J, those are dangerous! If he body rejects it, he could die.”
“That’s a rare occurrence so don’t stress yourself on that one.” Even if AJ couldn’t help fearing it in the back of his mind. It had prayed on his thoughts since they had first about out about all of this. But he couldn’t tell them that. He kept his fears to himself. “There’s a better chance if the donor is close in genetic makeup. Now, this part I need you guys to keep quiet from Brian. Both his doctor and I agreed on it. Harold Sr. was a match for bone marrow, almost perfectly. They were tested on it the last time. He’s agreed to be the donor. They’ve already taken his sample and it’s on its way here. But he refuses to let Brian know until it’s all done and over with so that Brian won’t stress about it.”
They all reacted the way he had thought they would. They didn’t bat an eye at keeping that from Brian. Neither had he. This was Harold’s right as Brian’s dad to do. They wouldn’t step between father and son.
“As for me being in here and you out there, well, they’re starting Bri’s chemo tomorrow, and it’s going to be more aggressive than normal, so I have to stay germ free if I want to stay with him…”
For the next fifteen minutes AJ caught them up on everything that Dr. Reese had told them. He answered all their questions, and they had plenty of those. None of them liked the fact that they wouldn’t be able to visit for a while, but they understood that when they did they needed to be gowned.
By the time he had told them everything, AJ felt exhausted. He wasn’t used to talking that much lately, and it was taking a lot of air, which was taxing his ribs. Just as he wanted, they all left feeling more relaxed about everything. Well, everyone left but Howie. He stayed by the glass, watching down the hallway until AJ assumed that the others were gone. Then Howie turned to look at him again. “How are you really doing, Alex?”
AJ cursed in his mind. He had hoped that he’d fooled his best friend. Apparently he hadn’t done as good a job. “I’m holding ok, D. Don’t worry about me.”
“This is me you’re talking to.” Howie said wryly. “I know you almost as good as Brian does. Maybe better still in some ways. We’ve been best friends for years. So don’t try to lie to me about this, Alex. I can handle the rest of it, and I’m not going to buckle on you. Tell me how you’re really doing.”
Did he really want to resist? It would be so good to have a shoulder to unload on, even if he couldn’t rest against it. But it wasn’t just that he had to think about. He had to think about if he would be able to pull himself back together again afterward.
“Alex, I’m right here for you. Don’t worry about me. Just talk to me.”
That decided it for him. AJ slumped down slightly and brought his one hand up to cover his face. “I’m trying to keep it cool, D, but it gets so hard. Then there’s all this shit now. What if I’m just wrong? What if something does happen? God, it would devastate me to lose him. I just barely got him back.”
Howie just stood by the glass, one hand resting on it as if he would reach out and take hold of AJ’s hand as he usually did when he helped him. AJ held his own hands out in front of them, staring at the shakiness that he knew wasn’t all from nerves.
“I was so stupid for drinking, and I’m paying for it now. The more stress I get the more I seem to crave. I’ve hid it from Brian so far, but one of these times he’s gonna notice and then he’s going to worry about me. I can’t let him worry about me. There’s so much on his plate to worry about. He already worries about my hand and my ribs, and I don’t dare tell him how much they hurt. He knows, and I know he knows, but we just don’t talk about it because we both also know I won’t take prescription meds. So he worries when he snuggles against me, but right now that snuggling is about all that keeps us sane.”
He had to stop and breathe for a bit before his emotions got the best of him. Crying not only wouldn’t be productive, but it would hurt his ribs like a bitch.
In that silence Howie spoke, his voice soft and full of love for his best friend, a man who was like a brother to him. “No matter what, Age, even if its three in the morning, have someone at the desk call me and you can meet me here. I’ll always be here for you to vent to. Even if you lose your faith for a while, I have mine. I have faith that he’ll make it out ok. I also have faith that you won’t drink again. Everyone is entitled to one relapse. I think you learned your lesson with it. You will be ok now.”
“I will.” AJ said softly. But there was iron in his tone again. Just venting to Howie had the effect of bolstering his strength. He should have known that talking to his best friend would help improve his mood. “Thanks, bro.”
“Anytime.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Out in the hallway Brian moved away from the door, wiping tears from his eyes. Quickly he headed down the hall and toward his room. He didn’t want AJ to catch him and know that he’d been eavesdropping. The tears in his eyes would concern AJ as well and he didn’t want to have to try to explain them away. So once he was back in his room he stepped into the bathroom and stripped himself down for a shower. That gave him time to clean up as well as orient his thoughts.
It was devastating to him to hear AJ sound so broken and upset. But at the same time, he knew how much worse it could be. They had both learned the hard way that their pain was worse apart from one another than it was going through this together. They could live through this kind of pain. But they weren’t made to live apart.
That didn’t mean that he was ok with AJ hurting like that. The only thing that helped him was knowing that Howie had been there for AJ to talk to. Howie was AJ’s best friend, no matter what else was in his life, and talking to him had always been soothing for AJ. For that Brian would always be eternally grateful.
He knew that there were things AJ didn’t tell him out of a sense of protecting him. That didn’t bother him the way that people thought it would. For one, Brian found it a sweet trait. For two, he knew that AJ wasn’t malicious about it in any way, shape, or form. He really felt as if he was protecting Brian.
What concerned him, and what was bothering him, was more the physical pain that AJ was in. The rest of it he couldn’t change, but this was something he should be able to fix. There had to be something he could do to ease his lover’s pain. What had made him cry had been standing there listening to AJ talk, and hearing in every word exactly how much AJ loved him. It was a heady rush, and humbling all at the same time.
God may have been testing him with one hand, with the cancer, but with the other he had given him AJ. Even if he died the next day, Brian knew in his heart that he wouldn’t trade a single minute of his time with AJ. For however long he was on earth he was going to love and protect his partner.
With that in mind, Brian decided that he would find ways to help AJ out without him realizing it. Their relationship was a funny one he had to admit. It made him smile as he lathered and rinsed his hair. Here was AJ, looking to find ways to take care of everything and protect Brian at all costs. On the other side was Brian, knowing that AJ hid things and covered up his own pain, and he was always finding ways to take care of AJ without him realizing it. They were one interesting pair, but it worked for them.
Plus, Brian could admit here to himself that by trying to find ways to take care of AJ, it would be distracting him from his own problems, and that was really what he needed.
So lost in thought was he that he never heard the bathroom door open. But a pair of arms wrapping around his waist almost sent him out of his skin in the split second it took before he recognized AJ’s touch. Warm hands slid up Brian’s stomach, pulling their bodies close as AJ’s lips found the side of his neck for a light kiss. “Hello, sugar.” AJ whispered lightly against his skin. It was a long while before Brian could think clearly again.