*November, 2001, Last Show of Black and Blue Tour*
*Osaka Japan*
The crowd screamed wildly, calling for the encore they knew was coming. Backstage the boys were changing into their final outfit and preparing to go out for the very last song. Watching his lover, Brian felt concern grow in him. AJ looked too pale by half, and exhausted. Thank God their last song wasn’t too fast. They’d be going out there and singing Drowning. That wouldn’t require running and dancing around the stage.
Howie noticed the same thing, hell all of them could see that AJ wasn’t feeling good, but he walked over and lightly touched AJ’s arm. “You ok?” he asked him quietly.
Taking a deep breath AJ forced himself straight and nodded. “Peachy. We’ve got one song left, guys. Let’s go give it to them.” He said. If there was one thing that they had all discovered grated on AJ’s nerves, it was constantly asking him if he was ok. Especially since he spent most of this tour utterly tired.
When the call came he pushed forward and went out onto the stage just as if everything was normal. Despite his efforts, Brian could see that AJ was moving a little slower than normal. Nick was too, for that matter. He’d caught a flu bug somewhere along the last week and was still a little down in the mouth.
All of this ran through the back of Brian’s mind as the opening lines to Drowning played and the crowd went wild.
“Don’t pretend you’re sorry. I know you’re not. You know you got the power to make me weak inside.” Brian sang the opening lines with all his heart, just as he always did, but his mind was not with the show. It was with his heart, which was always with AJ.
The five men gathered in center stage for the chorus. When it came AJ’s turn he stepped up front and center.
“Maybe I’m a drifter. Or maybe not. Cause I have known the safety of floating freely in your arms. And I don’t need another lifeline, that’s not for me. Cause only you can save me. Oh, can’t you see?” To anyone else AJ’s voice may have sounded normal, but Brian heard the extra rasp in it and he worried.
Once they were done and off stage, the crowd screaming wildly, AJ made a beeline for his dressing room. Something was definitely going on and it worried Brian a lot. He stared down the hall where AJ had gone, lost in thought. Was it just that he was tired, as both the medication and the disease made him feel? Or was it something more? Maybe he had caught Nick’s cold. That thought froze Brian’s blood. HIV was a disease that messed with the immune system, which would make AJ more susceptible to colds. Only, in his body, they could become so much worse.
A large hand settled on Brian’s shoulder, startling him from his thoughts. “Bri? Is everything ok? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Kevin said gently.
Since he was still staring down the hall Brian didn’t see Howie and Nick gathering behind him. He barely paid any attention to Kevin. “Something’s wrong with J. I think he may be sick. He’s pale and tired and he’s been sleeping a lot more lately.”
“Maybe it’s just his medicine. I mean, you guys said the doc warned you this tour would make him exhausted. He probably just needs to go home and sleep for a few days so he’ll feel better.” Kevin suggested. Brian couldn’t help feeling slightly irritated with his cousin. Sometimes they all thought they knew everything. But none of them were in with AJ at night time. None of them were there when AJ would sit and stare at his meds like it was the most hated thing in his world. They weren’t there when, after holding it back all day, AJ would hit the hotel room and be bent over the toilet for an hour. Or when he ate something that didn’t agree with him and was stuck sitting on that toilet off and on all night long.
But he reined his temper in. There was no point to it right then. “It’s not that. I know what that kind of exhaustion looks like.”
Stepping up on Brian’s other side and putting an arm around his shoulders, Howie tried to soothe him. “Maybe he did just catch a little cold. Get him home, get him to rest. It’ll pass and he’ll be ok.”
Were they all really that stupid? Brian finally turned to look at his friends. Did they really think it was that simple? “Are you guys kidding me?” He asked them. Quickly he looked around to make sure that no one was close enough to hear them. Once he was sure he lowered his voice just to be cautious. “He as an immunodeficiency virus. That affects his immune system. A simple little cold can turn into pneumonia. It can kill him.”
“Does he need to go to the hospital?” Howie asked worriedly.
Frustrated, Brian ran a hand through his hair. “No, no hospital. I’m gonna go back an talk to him, see what he says, how he’s feeling.” That said, he stepped away from them and headed down the hallway. In his heart he knew they were trying to be helpful but it didn’t make him less frustrated. Not a single member of the group aside from him had done anything to learn about what AJ was living with. This was just yet another example of their ignorance.
It was like they thought that if they learned nothing about it and didn’t acknowledge it then it wouldn’t be real. Since AJ took his meds at eight and eight, he usually had to take the second dose while they were still at a show. When he did the others seemed to all have something to do that would let them avoid looking at him. They were all in denial. It frustrated Brian, but it was nothing compared to how it made AJ feel.
Reaching the door to AJ’s dressing room, Brian rapped lightly with his knuckles. “Age?” he called out. There was no hesitation before his boyfriend called out “Come in, Rok!”
He opened the door and stepped inside, looking around the room. AJ was nowhere in sight. Confused, Brian let the door shut. It only took him another second to realize where AJ was; the bathroom. Ah. He’d been spending a lot of time in there lately. Brian walked over to the small couch these rooms held and sat down. This could take a bit, depending on which part he was having problems with. “Up or down?” he called out.
There was a muffled snort from the other side of the door. “God, Bri. Hell of a question.” AJ called out. That in itself was an answer. “Down, I see. You take anything for it?”
“Haven’t exactly had a chance yet, if you know what I mean.” There was a slight note of embarrassment in AJ’s voice. He still occasionally got embarrassed when problems like diarrhea or such happened. Brian personally didn’t care. After being best friends with Nick for so long, a man who would come in and shit while you showered, he had lost most embarrassment when it came to the bathroom.
Rolling his eyes, Brian climbed to his feet and moved over to grab AJ’s backpack off the floor. They kept a special bag packed for when they went out in public, all prepped with the random things they might need. “Next time snag the bag on the way in, nerd. That’s why we have it, to be prepared.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lecture away!”
“As if you’d listen to me.” Brian teased as he found what he was looking for. He popped two of the Imodium pills into his hand and snagged the bottle of water. He walked over to the door and tapped the bottle against it. “Housekeeping.” He trilled in a high pitched voice. “You want me fluff pillow?”
“God, just get in here and give me the shit.” AJ said through his laughter. It felt good to hear AJ laughing.
Brian pushed the door open and pretended to wrinkle his nose. “I don’t think you need me to give you shit. You’ve got plenty on your own.” He said, letting his voice sound as if he was holding his breath. It only made AJ laugh all the harder. He took the pills and the water that Brian gave him and then shooed him out. “Let a man shit in peace!”
“Gladly!” Brian called out. Once he shut the door behind him he drew in a great gulp of air, making sure it was loud enough for AJ to hear, and then let it out noisily. “Ahhh, I can breathe again!”
“Shut the hell up, Littrell!”
“Hey! It’s not my fault you stink. Good thing you quit smoking. Wouldn’t want to light a match in this place right now. We might all blow up!”
More laughter sounded from the bathroom. Content, Brian lay on the couch, throwing his legs over the back and letting his head dangle. There was a knock on the door followed by Howie’s head poking inside. “Hey, guys, Kevin said the vans are here to take us to the hotel if you two are ready.” He looked over, noticing that Brian was upside down. “What on earth are you doing?”
“Hanging out.” Brian answered him cheekily. He kicked his legs in the air, using the toe of his shoe to trace patters in the air.
Howie’s eyes traveled around the room, looking for AJ. When the sound of the toilet flushing echoed around them he finally realized where he was. “He ok?” Howie asked quietly. There was the sound of running water as AJ washed his hands.
“Yep. He’s just got the Hershey squirts.” Brian grinned evilly at Howie as he answered him. At the same time as he said it, AJ came walking out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. “Brian Thomas Littrell!” AJ shouted out, embarrassed, hands on his hips. “You are the most disgusting person I have ever known!”
Howie was holding on to the door as he laughed at them. Not moving from his upside-down position, Brian gave AJ a huge grin. “I love you, Alex-bo-balex.”
“I love you too you nut. Doesn’t change the fact you are utterly disgusting.”
Planting his hands on the ground by his head, Brian pushed his heels into the back of the couch to boost himself up. For a second he stayed balanced upside-down on his hands, stretching his toes to the ceiling, before letting his feet drop down to the ground. He stood up with a grin, taking a bow. AJ and Howie dutifully applauded for him. “Thank you, thank you. I regret to inform you I will not be here all week.”
AJ shook his head and gave Brian a quick kiss. “Let’s get back to the hotel, freak.”
“You said you liked my freakiness.” Brian told him, pretending to pout. “Was it all a lie? Oh God! How will I go on?” He put his hands over his face as he wailed the last words.
Putting his hands on his hips, AJ faked a glare. “Keep it up and I’ll put your ass in the corner when we get back.”
Brian peeked out between his fingers. “Will you spank me first?”
By now Howie was laughing so hard that he’d drawn Kevin and Nick’s attention. Brian and AJ didn’t notice them standing in the door with Howie, so intent were they on their playing.
Putting a finger on his chin, AJ pretended to think about his answer. “Hmm. I don’t know. You’ve been trouble, but you haven’t been bad. Trouble gets you in the corner. Being a bad boy is totally different. I just don’t know if you’re up to being a bad boy.”
“I can do it.” Brian insisted eagerly, letting his hands drop from his face. He finally saw Nick and Kevin and couldn’t resist being a little evil. “Remember what I did to Nick? I can be bad.”
“That’s right!” AJ said, laughing. He knew by the look in Brian’s eyes that he’d done nothing to Nick, but he played along, knowing Brian’s game. “Well, I’ll have to reevaluate. You do deserve a spanking, don’t you?”
“Wait!” Nick chimed in. He paused to cough for a second before continuing. “What’d you do to me?”
Bending, Brian picked up his and AJ’s emergency bag and slung it over his shoulder. “I do! I earned it fair and square.” He said proudly, ignoring Nick and speaking directly to his boyfriend. AJ bumped his shoulder and started to head out with him, one hand absently rubbing at his stomach. The whole goal of all of this was to distract AJ from not feeling well and Brian was pretty proud of how well it was working. He wanted to make AJ smile, which didn’t seem to happen often enough anymore.
“You did, baby. I promise I’ll take care of that as soon as we get back, ok? I always give credit where credit is due. That was an awesome joke.”
“Age, what did he do?” Nick demanded. Their friends were following them as they headed down the hallway. “Brian! What did you do?”
Laughter echoed around them as they stepped outside and into the vans. They kept up the charade the whole way back to the hotel, with Nick begging to know what they’d done to him. It was the most hilarious thing Brian had ever seen. He was glad none of them were driving because they would have wrecked with how hard they were all laughing. Even Kevin was holding his stomach from laughing so hard.
They were almost completely to the hotel when Brian started to notice AJ going quiet and pale again. He could see, even in the dark of the van, that AJ was white as a ghost. So while the others talked, Howie ribbing Nick about what could have been done to him without others noticing, Brian took hold of AJ’s hand and leaned in. “You going to make it to the hotel ok?”
“I sure hope so.” AJ answered him just as softly. It was a sign of how bad he felt that he didn’t even bother protesting at all. He brought his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them even as he crossed his hands over his stomach. Brian lifted his free hand and used it to rub soothingly over AJ’s back. “Should only be a few more minutes, baby. That’s all.”
“I wish that shit was faster acting.” AJ grumbled to him. He turned his head so his cheek was on his knees instead of his chin, allowing him to be facing Brian. The couple forgot about everyone else in the van with them for a few moments. Being in a group had taught each member how to zone out the others so they could attempt to snatch moments of privacy as best as they could.
Brian leaned in and gave AJ a gentle kiss. “It’ll kick in soon. Usually doesn’t take long. When we get there I’ll order you some BRATTY.” He said, using the acronym that the doctor had taught them. His words traveled to the others, though. Kevin and Howie were listening but discreetly staying quiet. Nick had no such qualms. He turned around and asked Brian “What on earth is bratty?”
“BRATTY,” Brian repeated. He put a difference emphasis on the word than Nick had. “Banana, rice, applesauce, toast, tea, and yogurt. It’s an acronym.”
“Oh. What’s it for?”
“That’s not really your business, Nicky my boy. Quit eavesdropping.” Brian said that with a smile so that Nick wouldn’t take offense to it. His young friend still had trouble sometimes understanding that certain things were personal. Mostly it was because he shared everything with everyone that he had a hard time understanding why people didn’t share everything back with him.
Apparently AJ was annoyed enough, or miserable enough, to not care. He looked up at Nick and snapped out “It’s for helping stop diarrhea. Does that answer your damn question?”
The van turned into the hotel parking garage then, making AJ sigh in relief. He was rocking slightly in his seat, anxious for them to get there. Brian unbuckled so he could move quickly out of AJ’s way. “You want to find one downstairs or can you get to our room?” he whispered to his lover.
AJ squeezed his eyes shut. “God, let me make it to our room. I should be able to just fine. I’d much rather be there than where anyone can come in.”
The van parked and, thankfully, Kevin, Nick and Howie stayed inside so that Brian could get out and allow AJ to rush past them. He didn’t run but he walked quickly into the hotel, Brian right behind him. They got into the elevator and AJ bounced on his feet, glaring at the numbers as the door closed and they started to rise.
“This is such bullshit, you know.” AJ said in a tight voice.
“What baby?”
“Dr. Shannon said there’s nothing wrong with me for me to feel like this. Apparently I just have the most sensitive stomach ever. I keep discovering new things my body doesn’t like me to eat anymore. I’m gonna be stuck living on bland food for the rest of my life!”
The doors opened and AJ darted to their door. By the time Brian caught up to him, AJ was already in the bathroom with the door closed. Brian tossed their bag onto the bed and lay down, stretching out to get comfortable. “What’d you have that you think made you sick, babe?” he called out.
There was no sound coming from the bathroom. After a minute Brian lifted his head and looked over at the door. “Alex?”
“Yeah…”
AJ’s voice sounded cautious. Having a feeling that he knew what it meant, Brian sat up a little more and repeated his question. “I asked what you had that made you sick.”
“I uh, well see I wasn’t thinking and, well, it was just a little bit!”
“A little bit of what?” Brian bit his lip to keep from chuckling. He always found it hilarious when AJ sounded like a little kid caught doing something wrong.
“Ah, hell, sweetheart. I just ate half of Nick’s burger. He was full! But it was only half.”
Brian was already laughing before AJ even finished. He lay back on the bed again and smiled up at the ceiling. “I have no sympathy for you then! This is your own fault. You know what burgers do to you. Too much grease, love.”
“Blah, blah, blah!” AJ called back just as the toilet flushed. There was the sound of water running as he washed his hands and brushed his teeth and then he came out in only his boxers. Brian shook his head. Most likely the rest of his clothes were in a pile on the floor, true to AJ form. Just as AJ came close, Brian climbed up out of bed to dress down. He put his clothes in the bag he kept for dirty clothes.
When he turned back around AJ was already in bed, under the covers. For just a moment he stood there and looked at AJ, marveling once again at being here with him. Sometimes it seemed like a dream, that he could go to bed with AJ by his side and wake up with him there in the morning. To look at those warm chocolate eyes and see all the love he ever needed in the word reflected back at him.
It just wasn’t fair that, just as they were finding this with one another, this had to hit them. Maybe, if AJ had been a user or if he’d slept around to get something like this, there would be more of an understanding. They could make more peace with this. But it was just the shit luck of the draw that left him with this disease that would eventually kill him. He had done nothing to deserve it!
A hospital had messed up, not screening properly, and had given him this tainted blood. Because of their incompetence a wonderful man was handed a death sentence. There were some days that Brian felt such anger he almost couldn’t control it.
“Baby?” AJ spoke up softly from the bed. His head lifted just a little bit, eyes already heavy with the need for sleep. In that moment he looked so sweet that it brought tears to Brian’s eyes. There were no shields up; no forced smiles or shadows in his eyes. One of his hands raised up in the dark room, reaching for Brian. “You coming to bed?”
“Yeah, I’m coming honey.”
Smiling through his tears, Brian move to the bed and slipped under the covers. Instantly AJ snuggled up to him, wrapping an arm around Brian’s waist and sliding a leg between his. He tipped his head up for a kiss, those beautiful eyes already closed. “Love you.” AJ mumbled.
Brian kissed him again and watched as he drifted off to sleep. “I love you too, Alex.” He whispered. AJ was already asleep, a small smile curving his lips.