*April 2001 - On Break from Black and Blue Tour*
There was no way Brian could do anything but smile as he sat at the kitchen table and watched AJ putter around the kitchen. It amused him to see how domestic his boyfriend looked and yet, somehow, he still managed to make it look sexy. AJ stood at the stove, stirring the pot of stir fry that he was making for their late dinner. Beside that pot he had another one in which he was boiling angel hair pasta.
It was amazing to see how well AJ was adapting to a healthier lifestyle. He never ate fast food anymore; once had been enough to teach him a lesson there. He’d been sick for the next twenty four hours afterwards.
AJ looked back over his shoulder, giving Brian a smile and a wink. “God, Littrell, can’t you keep your eyes off my ass for five minutes?” he teased him. These past four weeks had been a Godsend for them. AJ had been able to rest and relax, which in turn helped him feel better. Some of the side effects of his meds were starting to tamper down so long as he took proper precautions, which sometimes were as easy as him eating better.
“Nope, I can’t. Problem with that, Mclean?” he taunted back.
AJ picked up his dish towel and threw it. Deftly Brian caught it and grinned. Rolling his eyes, AJ gave his pots another stir. “You keep looking at me with that look on your face and there just might be.”
There was no denying that tone to AJ’s voice. He knew exactly what it meant. “Promise?” he asked. It caught AJ off guard enough that his head whipped over to stare at him for a moment. Slowly AJ’s face transformed to that sexy grin that Brian knew and loved. AJ stepped away from the stove, his intent obvious. Just as Brian started to say something, to taunt him, they both heard the front door open from the front side of the house.
A second later a familiar voice echoed back to them. “Alex! What on earth is that delicious smell and who is here cooking for you?”
Any other time it would have been hilarious to see the way that AJ’s face went from lust to horror in a split second. But it was the transformation from horror to terror that had Brian aching to go hold him. They both knew who that voice was. The two turned their heads just in time to see Denise step into the dining room.
“Ma!” AJ said, forcing a smile to his face. In an instant his mask came down, shutting away all other emotions but the love that shone for his mother. He walked over and gave his mother a tight hug. “What’re you doing here?”
“I need a reason to come see my son now?” She teased as she pulled back. Her eyes were sparkling when she turned to look at Brian. “Hello, Brian. Staying with Alex for the break I take it?”
“Yes, ma’am.” He replied courteously. Manners had been bred into him from a young age and no matter how many times Denise insisted that he call her Denise, he still found himself saying ma’am. It amused her to no end, as her current smile showed. “Brian, will I ever get you to call me Denise?”
AJ laughed as he moved back to the stove. “I doubt it, Ma. He’s a southern gentleman to the bone. If he had a hat he’d probably tip it at you.”
The dish towel in Brian’s hand flew and landed on top of AJ’s head. When AJ took it off and turned to glare, Brian whistled innocently and quickly turned to Denise. “Why don’t you join us? Age was just making dinner.” He offered, rising to move and pull out a chair for her. Denise gratefully sat down but she looked at AJ dubiously. “My son’s cooking? I’m not sure I want to test my stomach that much.”
“Hey!” AJ exclaimed amidst their laughter. “I’ll have you know that I’m a damn good cook! Tell her, Bri!”
Taking his own seat again, Brian chuckled. “I have to give him credit, his cooking has really improved. He hasn’t poisoned me in three whole days.” He assured her innocently. Denise instantly started to laugh and AJ spun away from the stove, hands on his hips as he exclaimed “Hey! I didn’t poison you!”
“What do you call that meatloaf thing you made?” Brian shot back. The two almost completely forgot about watching how they behaved, simply enjoying playing with one another. They had Denise laughing nonstop.
“That wasn’t my fault! You distracted me while I was mixing it. I didn’t mean to put that much seasoning in!”
“Excuses, excuses. Always blaming it on someone else, eh, Alex?”
“If you didn’t make it so easy I wouldn’t blame it on you.” AJ shot back with a grin.
“Oh, screw you!”
“I can’t right now, I’m cooking…” AJ trailed off as he realized what had just come out of his mouth. His eyes lifted to his mother’s face, the only part of him that could seem to move.
Looking at her son’s face had Denise laughing all the harder. “About time you two finally admitted to being together.” She managed to scold as her laugher started to subside. “I’ve been waiting forever for you to tell me!”
AJ’s mouth dropped open. After a second he snapped it shut and shot her an appraising look. “You sneaky woman, you.” He said wonderingly. As he watched his mother and smiled, Brian came over to take care of the things on the stove and hide his own grin. He’d wondered more than once if Denise knew about them. Even though AJ didn’t know, Brian’s parents had figured out the truth about them as well, months ago. It wouldn’t have surprised him to find out his mother had let it slip to AJ’s mom.
“Well, come on, Alex. Do you really think you can hide things from me? You never have. I noticed the way that you and Brian started to get closer. I saw the way your eyes lit up every time you talked about him, and how often he came up in conversation. It wasn’t that far of a leap for me to make.”
Blood rushed to AJ’s cheeks at having his mother sit there and talk about how obvious his feelings for Brian were. His lover chuckled as he walked past with plates, pausing to give him a quick kiss before setting the table. Brian took it as a compliment to hear that AJ cared about him that much even before they’d said those three big words to one another. On his way back to the stove he told AJ “Go sit with your mom. I’ll serve, I don’t mind.”
With a smile for Brian, he turned and walked over to take the chair next to where Brian sat. On the other side of Brian’s chair was where Denise was sitting. “I love him, Ma; and he says he loves me too.” He told her in a soft voice.
“Excuse me?” Brian chimed in from where he was bent into the fridge. “Says? I do.”
“Well, I figured that out too, Alex. No one’s ever made you shine quite the way he does. I’m very happy for the two of you. My baby couldn’t have a better partner for him. You’re just what he needs, Brian.” She told them with a smile.
Brian brought the pan of noodles over and set them on a potholder before bringing the stir fry over as well and setting it on the table. He took his chair by AJ’s side and kissed him before bowing his head. Denise watched in amazement as AJ automatically bowed his head and spoke a quiet prayer over their food, his voice blending with Brian’s. “Dear Lord, bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies and us to thy service. In Christ's name we pray, Amen.”
When they raised their heads they were smiling. It took a minute for Denise to realize that they were waiting for her to serve her food. She’d forgotten that with the way Brian was raised, guests served themselves first and hosts last. She smiled as she picked up the pasta and put some on her plate before passing it over to him. Yes, he was giving her son quite a few positive changes. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen him pray before a meal. Not since he’d been a child and she had required it.
“So,” she said once their food was all served. “Does this mean I’ll finally get you to call me Denise now that you’re dating my son?”
The light on Brian’s face as he chuckled gave Denise insight into the man her son loved so much. She knew Brian as a person, but she caught a glimpse of the man her son knew. “Maybe once in a while. Casual like. It’s just too many years of habit to say ma’am. My mama would flay me if she thought I was being disrespectful, even at my age.”
“Yes, I believe she would.” Denise chortled. She took a bite of her food and gave AJ a surprised look. When she was finished chew she told him “This is delicious!”
“Don’t sound so amazed, Ma.” AJ’s eyes sparkled as he dug into his own plate.
They ate their meal, talking easily about how tour had been going and things like that. She told them about her trip and they told her about the sights they’d seen. Brian had her rolling with laughter as he told her about Nick trying to put hair dye in Kevin’s shampoo, a joke he’d used before, and how Kevin had found out and switched their bottles back yet had made it seem like Howie did it. So Nick, with neon green hair, had chased Howie around the hotel room threatening to beat him.
Once food was done and the dishes were cleared, AJ brought in a pitcher of ice tea and gestured them all out to the back porch. Denise took a seat on the edge of the porch, her legs dangling down, fully expecting her son to do as he usually did and stand in the grass to have an after dinner cigarette. But after she was served a drink and Brian had his, she got another surprise when AJ did stand in the grass, but Brian joined him out there. AJ wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist and rested his chin on Brian’s shoulder. She couldn’t resist asking “No cigarette?”
“I quit.” He answered simply. The smile on Brian’s face was wide.
Reclining back on her hands, Denise studied her son. There was something in his eyes, something different. Despite all the jokes and laughter and such there was a worry in those brown eyes that she knew so well. She chose her words carefully, trying to probe for information. “So, this was what your message was about, baby? You wanted to tell me about you and Brian? I was worried that it would be worse than that form the way your voice sounded.”
There it was again, that quick flash to AJ’s eyes. She didn’t miss the way that Brian brought his hands up to rest over AJ’s, which were on Brian’s stomach. Something was going on here.
Brian felt his lover tremble against him and tried to silently offer as much support as possible. He knew how terrified AJ was to tell his mother. In his mind Brian sent up a quick prayer that Denise would understand. There was nothing that she should get mad about. None of this was AJ’s fault.
“Ma…I do need to tell you something. I just, I don’t know how to say it.”
“Just tell me, baby. You can tell me anything, you know that.” She set her cup down and leaned forward a little as concern tightened her features.
After taking a deep breath, AJ gripped Brian’s shirt in his hands and looked right at his mother. “Almost two months ago I got really sick and went to the hospital. They did the usual tests and drew my blood and such. I got a call a few hours later at the studio. I…I’m HIV positive.”
No matter what she had thought, this was not what Denise had expected to hear. Her face went white in a split second and her mouth fell quietly open. She stared at the two of them. AJ was so full of nerves that he was practically vibrating with them. It worried Brian that Denise didn’t seem to be moving. She should have been on her feet, rushing over to hug her son. That would have been her reaction to anything else serious. Not this…stillness.
“Ma?” AJ croaked out hoarsely. “Ma, say something. Please.”
Life seemed to come back into her face slowly. Even before she spoke, Brian knew how it would go. He saw it in her eyes and it broke his heart.
“I can’t believe that after everything I’ve ever told you, you were stupid enough to go out and get something like this, Alexander James. Say something to you? I am so disappointed in you right now. You know better than to have unprotected sex with people!”
Her words hit AJ like fists to the gut. He let go of Brian and stepped around him. “Ma, it’s not like that, I didn’t, I mean, I was sleeping around…”
If anything the disgust on her face got worse. She rose to her feet, hands clenched at her sides in tight fists. “You mean you got this from needles?” she hissed out at him. He started to protest but she overrode him. “I knew you were dabbling in drugs, but needles, AJ? How could you be so stupid!”
“I didn’t, Ma! I never did that shit.”
Denise was hearing nothing of it. Her face went hard and cold, a look that Brian had never seen her wear before. “Don’t you lie to me, Alexander. I’m not stupid. You’ve brought this on yourself by doing these things, and you’re condemning your partner as well. Or am I wrong? Is Brian where you got this disgusting disease from?”
“Ma! Please, listen to me.” AJ was openly begging, the tears falling from his eyes. “Brian didn’t give this to me. I got a bad blood transfusion at the hospital when…”
“I won’t listen to your lies!” She shouted at him. It was enough to stun him to silence. “You did this to yourself with your drugs and your sleeping with anything that walks .You’ve made your bed, now you’ll lie in it.” Her sharp eyes slashed up to Brian, hard as ice and just as cold. “If you’re smart you’ll walk away before he makes you sick and kills you too.”
“I’m exactly where I need to be. Ma’am.” Brian told her, his voice just as cold as her eyes. “I love him. I won’t be anywhere else but by his side. I’m sorry you won’t be there as well. Every word he’s telling you is true if you would take the time to open your eyes and see. See what he’s telling you, see the pain he’s in. You’re his mother! You should want to be by his side.”
“I don’t need to be there to see God’s punishment. You did this to yourself, Alexander. Now you can suffer the consequences. I’m done with this and I’m done with you. Blood runs true. You’re just like your father, without a care to anyone else in the world but yourself.” With those last hard words she turned and went back through the house.
AJ stood staring at the back door, listening to his front door slam shut and then the sound of her car starting. It was the sound of her leaving that finally crumpled him. Brian barely made it forward in enough time to catch AJ as his knees gave out underneath him. The two men went down to the ground, ending up with Brian sitting and AJ curled tightly into a ball against his chest.
His tears were quiet, the sobs low and broken. “She wouldn’t listen to me.” AJ whimpered out. He sounded like a child, utterly devastated. “She believed I did those things and she wouldn’t let me convince her otherwise! But I didn’t do it, Bri! I didn’t!”
“Shh, baby, I know. I know.”
“Why wouldn’t she believe me? God, it hurts.” He dissolved into tears again, breaking slightly underneath the pain. All Brian could do was hold him until the tears dried up. Give him support and let him know that he wasn’t alone. “I love you, Alex.” He whispered over and over, wanting him to know that he had someone who loved him, someone who wouldn’t leave him.
“I can’t take this anymore, Bri! I’m not strong enough for this shit. I can’t do it!” AJ sobbed hysterically.
Brian cradled him closer and kissed the top of his head. “Oh, baby, you are so strong. I know you can do this. You have me and I won’t leave you. When it gets too much I’ll always be here for you. You’ll always have me!” Tears fell from his eyes as he tried to soothe. It broke his heart that the one he loved had to live with so much pain. If he could have, he would have taken it all for him. Every last bit of it. “I have faith in you, Alex. You are such a strong person.”
“No, I’m not!” AJ insisted, sitting up to wipe at his face. His anguished eyes locked on to Brian’s. In that look was all the fear that he had been repressing for two months now. “If I was I would have sent you away by now. I wouldn’t let you stay with me. Wouldn’t let you risk getting infected. But I’m not strong. I don’t want you to leave. I’m selfish. I want you here with me, even knowing that if we make a mistake I could pass this to you!”
Ah, so that was what he had meant by strength. Brian cupped AJ’s face in his hands and forced AJ to look at him, right into his eyes. “Listen to me and listen good, Alexander James Mclean. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, you do could send me away from you right now. I love you with every fiber of my being. I know the risks that are involved and I know how to be cautious about them. We protect ourselves. But, God forbid, something happened and I caught this from you I wouldn’t care in the least bit. I would go through anything no matter what the obstacle was just so that I could be with you. You are my world, do you hear me? I’m not going anywhere and I never will.”
“What about when I get sick, Bri? It’s bound to happen eventually. Even with the meds. One day I’m going to get really sick, and I won’t get better. I’ve read the things that can happen to a person who has HIV or AIDS. What are you going to do if I end up catching one of those infections and I end up blind? Or if I get so sore and tired I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself? What then?”
Brian knew this was the most important conversation they would ever have. He pushed aside the pain that came of thinking about AJ like that. Live each day as it came, his mother had always taught him. That was all he could do. But he had to answer these questions for AJ. This fight with his mother had broken down every wall he had in place and all his fears were spilling to the front.
“Baby, if you go blind I’ll help you find your way. If you get to the point that you can’t use the restroom on your own than I’ll help you in and do what I need to. You’re not understanding. None of that matters to me. So long as I get to be with you, the rest of it isn’t important. Just being with you, having our time together, is all I could ever want in life.”
“You’re all I want too, Brian.” He admitted it in a voice that had gone quiet. “I love you. I don’t know how I’d make it without you here with me. You’ve become my everything.” With a great sigh, AJ pushed away the pain that his mother’s leaving had caused. He shoved it as far away as he could. Right then there was nothing he could do about it. Instead, he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s neck and kissed his cheek. “Take me upstairs, Bri. I need to feel you right now. I need to love you.”
Without another word Brian rose to his feet before scooping AJ up in his arms. He carried his love into the house, shutting the door on the rest of the world.