*Thanksgiving Day*

*November 28th, 2002*

 

 

Five o’clock in the morning was not the best time of day to be wide awake. But AJ had to admit that, as he sat drinking his tea, it sure was peaceful. Soon the house would be bursting with people and noise and the smell of cooking food. There would be laughter, and the television would be playing the Macy’s Day Parade. Beer would be drank and stories would be told. The house would be full of life and love and family.

 

 

For now, he enjoyed the solitude. Just as later, he would enjoy the chaos.  He’d already been up for an hour after managing a few hours’ worth of broken sleep. The insomnia he’d been dealing with lately wasn’t fun, but he could handle it. At least some of the nausea was fading. It still hit him now and again but that was ok. He could handle it.

 

 

The aches and the weakness were the two that bothered him the most. It wasn’t fun to ache like you had the flu at the most random moments, or to be doing something and find that you just didn’t have the strength to do what you were used to. Honestly, though, these side effects weren’t hitting him as hard as the others had. A small part of him hoped that it meant that they were working better. He knew it wouldn’t put him back to simply being HIV positive, he was never going to regress from full blown AIDS, but if they could contain it, maybe he could have longer in life than he’d thought.

 

 

There was nothing he wanted more than to stay on this earth a little longer. So many things in his life were going good in comparison to this one bad spot. Look at what they’d been through in the past few years. Yes, he’d gotten sick. Yes, he’d progressively gotten sicker. But on the flip side of it were so many positive things.

 

 

He and Brian moved in together, first and foremost. Their relationship grew stronger with every day that passed. Mikayla came back in to his life, despite his efforts to try to shield her from this. Yes, for all intents and purposes he’d lost his mother. But he’d gained a whole new family. He’d married the man he loved and taken on his last name, a choice that AJ knew he would never regret. Being AJ Littrell meant the world to him.

 

 

Now they were working on starting a family. After that day at the house, he had gone to a clinic that Mikayla had found and had given them a sperm sample, and had gone back two other days to give them two more. They’d all been ‘washed’ and the sperm had been saved. Mikayla had gone through the first implantation, and no, it hadn’t taken. But they had high hopes for it taking this next time.

 

 

The two extra samples were not only for extra tries this time around, but AJ had spoken with Mikayla about something he wanted to do. If, God forbid, AJ passed away in the next few years, he wanted her to carry another child for him. One that would give Brian something to look forward to. Then he wouldn’t just have the one child of AJ’s, but a second as well. Sure, that would be leaving Brian with two children and him being a single dad. But there would be so much family to help him, and he had such a huge heart, AJ knew he would be able to do it. What he wanted more than anything was to give Brian something to live for, and to leave a part of him behind when he left this earth.

 

 

Lately he’d begun to think about his own mortality. Being told that things had progressed to AIDS had terrified him at first. But now he was learning to look at it, not as something to fear, but as something that was going to happen whether he liked it or not. When it was going to happen, none of them knew. But that didn’t mean that they had to live each day in fear. He had to live life to its fullest while he still could. Enjoy what was given to him before the good Lord called him home.

 

 

He was lost in those thoughts when Jackie suddenly came bustling into the dining room, still wrapped in her robe. She startled him so badly that he jumped, almost letting out a very un-manly scream. His reaction startled her, making her jump back and put a hand over her heart as she gasped. For a single second the two looked at each other before they started laughing.

 

 

“Oh man, Mom, I think you scared ten years off my life!” AJ exclaimed automatically, the word ‘mom’ slipping past his lips without any thought. She’d given him the option of Mom or Jackie and he’d found it very easy to call her ‘Mom’. The second part of his sentence clicked in his head, though, moments after he said it. The mirth died out from him. What a choice of words. Would he even have ten years left of his life?

 

 

Jackie seemed to sense the mood he was in. Just like her son, she had an innate ability to read the people around her. Also like Brian, she was very respectful of other people’s moods and was easy to be around no matter what mood you were in. She walked past him on the way to the coffee pot and briefly put a hand on his shoulder, not asking anything, not pressuring him with pointless condolences or reassurances. Maybe it was because of that that AJ found himself suddenly talking. “I’m having one of those mornings, I think, where I can’t seem to stop contemplating my own mortality. I apologize for my mood what with it being a holiday and such.”

 

 

“You have no need to apologize to me, Alex.” She said softly as she set about making coffee. Her smile warmed his heart. “If you need to talk, you know I’m here. If you’d like to just sit quietly and think, that’s fine. I was just going to wake up a little before starting the turkey.”

 

 

AJ was surprised by the sudden longing that filled him to take her up on her offer. Before he thought about it, he asked her “Really? You wouldn’t mind listening to that?”

 

 

After pressing the button to turn the coffee maker on, Jackie snagged a bowl of fruit from the fridge and came to sit at the table. “I never mind listening to my kids, Alex.” She told him softly. She took a seat at the end of the table, placing her on his right. “You’re a friend, but even more so, you’re family now. I’ll always listen to you.”

 

 

He fiddled with his tea cup for a moment. “I talk to Brian about it sometimes. He’s like you, easy to talk to. But I always worry a little when I talk to him about these kinds of things. Even though he’s willing to listen, I know it hurts him, and I hate hurting him.”

 

 

“He’s scared of life without you in it.”

 

 

“Exactly.” AJ picked through the fruit bowl, selecting a piece of watermelon. “The thing is, I’m not scared. Not really. It doesn’t hurt so much anymore either. I mean, I don’t want to die. I want to stay here as long as I can. If I had a choice I’d live a long and happy life with Brian. But I know that eventually I’m going to die, and at a younger age than I ever thought I would. The thought of it doesn’t hurt me like it used to.”

 

 

He paused for a second to eat the piece of fruit in his hand and to think about his next words. Jackie said nothing at all, just let him gather his thoughts. That made it easier to keep going.

 

 

“What hurts so much isn’t the thought of dying. It’s the thought of who I’m leaving behind. When you die, you don’t feel anything anymore. It’s the people left behind who feel. When I’m gone, I’ll be in a better place. In my heart, I know that. I believe it. The part that I worry about is the pain of everyone that’s going to be left here. Brian’s pain.”

 

 

Jackie reached a hand out, laying it over his. “As much as we can, we won’t let him be alone, Alex. There may not be much we can do, but we’ll be there for him in every way we can.”

 

 

He gave her a soft smile. “I know. It makes it easier, knowing he’ll have everyone. Not just you two, but the guys as well. Mikayla will be here for him too. She loves him like a brother. He’ll be surrounded by people who love him. He’ll have so many people around him who love him and who’ll keep him going. It’s just hard for me to think about how much he’s going to hurt. There’re things I want to do, things I want to take care of, to make it easier on him. But I don’t know how to go about doing them.”

 

 

“Like what?” Jackie asked him.

 

 

“Well, like making a will. I want to get one written up so that the things I have will go to him. Since we’re not a recognized marriage, my stuff won’t automatically become his. I want to make sure it’s all legally taken care of. I also, well, when things get closer I want to take care of the expenses for…for my services. I don’t want him to have to do all of that. I know it sounds a little morbid to think about it, but I just, I need to know he’ll be taken care of. There are things I want to do to make sure he’s taken care of even when I’m gone.”

 

 

For a moment the dining room was quiet. When AJ looked up he saw that Jackie had tears in her eyes. “It’s not morbid.” She whispered brokenly. Her voice carried a wealth of emotion in it. “I think it’s beautiful, the way you love him. The way that you want to take care of him. You’re a good husband, Alex.”

 

 

A little embarrassed, AJ shrugged. “I love him.” The simple statement carried everything that he felt in it. To him, that said it all.

 

 

Squeezing his hand, Jackie smiled at him, her eyes swimming. “He loves you too.”

 

 

For this next part AJ had to look down at his cup. He had never said these next words aloud to anyone before, but it seemed right to same them here, now. There was something about the time that just made it all feel right. “I’m scared.” He admitted quietly to her. “Not of the dying. But of how the end is going to be. I’ve read up on all this. Whether it’s the AIDS itself or an infection that, that does it…the end is going to be difficult.” A small sniffle escaped. “I’m going to get sick. Sick to the point that I might not even be able to use the restroom alone. I might lose weight and shrink down to almost nothing. Ache all day long. So many different things. The thought of being like that, of being that sick and that weak, it scares me.”

 

 

“You won’t go through it alone.”

 

 

“Honestly, that scares me too. I don’t want the image everyone holds of me to be me lying in some hospital bed.” AJ raised tear filled eyes to the woman who had become so close to his heart. “I don’t want to die in a hospital. Please, when it’s the end, when everyone knows it’s the end, I don’t want to die in a hospital. I don’t want to be hooked to tons of machines. I don’t want to be surrounded by hospital walls and that antiseptic smell. Hospitals terrify me. I can’t stand the thought of my last moments in the world being in one of them.”

 

 

There was a plea in his voice that Jackie instantly responded to. Her tears flowed unhindered down her cheeks. Leaning in, she wrapped AJ in her arms. “I will do everything in my power to make sure that doesn’t happen, Alex.” She whispered to him as she cradled him against her. “I promise you right now I will fight my hardest to make sure you don’t die in a hospital.”

 

 

“Thank you.” For a moment he clung to her, relishing in the warmth of her embrace. When they finally let go, he wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. “I, uh, I think I’m going to go up and take a shower.” He rose from his chair, emotion clogging his throat. “I’ll help when I get back, ok?”

 

 

“Sure thing, baby.” Jackie gave him a smile that wobbled at the edges, but was full of love. AJ returned it with one of his own. Before heading from the room, he laid a hand against her cheek. “Thanks.” He whispered. With that last word, he left.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Harold waited until AJ was gone before he stepped in through the kitchen patio, Brian on his heels. Without saying a word, Harold moved over and gathered his quietly weeping wife into his arms. He didn’t hush her, or try to speak, but simply held her as she wept. Off to the side Brian stood, arms wrapped around his waist, staring at the tea cup that AJ had left behind.

 

 

About an hour ago Brian had woke. He’d come downstairs and found AJ in the dining room, lost in thought. Not wanting to disturb him, Brian had quietly backed out and headed to put his shoes on and take a walk. He’d come across his father near the front door, and the two had set out together, walking in the early morning mist. They’d spoke a little, but mostly they’d enjoyed one another’s company.

 

 

When they had come up the back steps, they had heard Jackie and AJ talking. It had been right about when Jackie had offered to listen to AJ. Unashamed, the two had taken a seat on the porch. Brian had not only wanted to give AJ a chance to talk to Jackie, but he had wanted to hear what he had to say. He’d listened in without shame.

 

 

What they had heard had touched the both of them. Brian had never felt more loved than he had at that moment, when he’d listened to AJ talk about finding ways to take care of his husband even when he wouldn’t physically be around to do it anymore. He had fought back tears when AJ had spoken of being scared. But he’d lost the battle with tears when AJ had pleaded with Jackie not to let him die in a hospital. God that had torn at his heart.

 

 

Looking at his parents, Brian thanked God that he was blessed with them in his life. That he had two people who loved him and who loved his partner just as much. It had touched him deep inside to hear his mother talking with AJ that way. To hear the honest emotion in her voice, and to see it now on her face. She loved AJ. Not just for being Brian’s husband, but for himself. “Thank you, Mom.” He whispered to her.

 

 

Jackie looked up from her husband’s arms to stare into her son’s eyes. The heartache she saw there tore at her. She wished there was something she could do to take it away. “Thank you?” she asked.

 

 

“For listening to him. For loving him. For just being you.”

 

 

“Oh, baby.” Opening her arm, Jackie drew him into their hug. “I wish there was something I could do for the two of you.”

 

 

“You’re doing everything perfectly right now, Mom.” He was quick to reassure her. In the arms of his parents, Brian felt a small measure of peace. “I don’t like it, but I think I’m coming to accept it. You guys have helped. Just being here for us helps. I can only take things a day at a time right now, and bless myself for each day I have.”

 

 

He pulled back to smile at the two of them. Grief still sat in his heart, but he and AJ had learned together that you couldn’t let grief rule your life. This was a holiday, and he wanted it to be a happy day for all of them. “Let’s not let this put a damper on the day. That’s not what he would want to happen because of your talk. Let’s enjoy our day together, and make the best of it. Now, isn’t there a turkey to get ready?”