*November, 2002*
Sneaking a peek out of the corner of his eye, Brian tried to unobtrusively watch AJ and do the dishes at the same time. They’d gone to the eye doctor that afternoon to pick up AJ’s glasses. A week ago they’d gone in, since he’d had been having such problem seeing things. The optician had told him that his bad eyesight was most likely caused by the medications he took, and had prescribed him a pair of glasses. But because of his how his vision was, he needed a stronger prescription, both for distance and for up close, which meant bifocals. So they had been special ordered.
AJ hadn’t said much about them since they’d picked them up. He’d been quite about it all week, even. But when they got them he had tried them on at the office, where they’d been adjusted to his head, and he hadn’t taken them off yet. He had chosen a simple wire frame that Brian thought fit his face well. Honestly, he’d been surprised how attractive he’d found AJ in regular glasses. He’d always thought he was attractive in his sunglasses, so it really shouldn’t have surprised him.
But he knew that AJ was bothered by the need to wear them at all. He hated that his medication had caused his eyes to have problems. Putting the last dish into the dishwasher, Brian thought to himself that he would have to give the other guys a heads up to not tease AJ too hard about the new glasses. Warn them that he was a little sensitive about them.
Closing the dishwasher, he turned the dial and turned it on. When he turned back around he couldn’t help but smile when he saw that AJ’s gaze had moved from the list in his hand and had been fastened on Brian’s backside as he bent. “Quit watching my backside, mister. You’re supposed to be finishing our shopping list.”
“Can’t help it.” AJ said. He gave Brian a wide grin that held just a hint of tightness around the edges of it. “You’ve got one hell of an ass, Bri.”
Deliberately Brian wiggled his hips a little as he walked over and took a seat beside AJ. “I know.”
A chuckle slid out even as AJ shook his head. “You’re a freak.”
“You love it.” Brian said in a sing song voice. “Now, back to business. Got our list put together?”
The paper on the table was turned so that Brian could see it. “I think so.” AJ said. Absently he pushed his new glasses up a little to adjust to them. It was obvious he was adjusting to using his bifocals most of all. “Tell me if you think anything’s missing. I was trying to figure out how much of each we needed. How many people are gonna be here, again?”
They were celebrating Thanksgiving at their house this year and there were actually quite a few people coming. With a week and a half until the big day, Brian and AJ were trying to get a shopping list together so they could go out and buy what was left that they needed.
Brian looked the list over as he tallied up in his mind the amount of people that would be there. “Uh, let’s see. The guys and their girls, that’s six. Mom and Dad are coming. That makes eight. Um, Harold can’t make it so we don’t have to worry about him. Mikayla will be there. That’s nine. Add on us, that’s eleven. Unless Kay brings a date. Then it’d be twelve. Not really that many people.”
“Naw, that’s pretty small for us. Good. Basically it’ll just be family then, cause Kay doesn’t have anyone she’s dating right now, and even if she did she won’t bring them to a holiday until I’ve met him. What size bird you think we should get?”
“Oh, hell, the biggest we can get.” Brian said with a grin and a laugh. “Remember Christmas? We barely had enough. I was thinking that maybe this year we could do a ham and a turkey for Thanksgiving, just so we have enough for everyone. A little variety, too.”
AJ sat back in his chair. He sighed dramatically and put a hand to his stomach. “God, we’ll probably be living on leftovers for a week.” He sighed. The look on his face changed a little, turning playful. “I’m totally making something healthy and delicious, though, and I don’t care what Carter has to say about it. I’m gonna make him eat some of it too.”
Laughing, Brian put the list back in the center of the table. There was nothing on there that he could see that needed to be added. “Good luck forcing him to eat it.”
“I’m a tricky fellow, Bri. I’ll get what I want. He’s gonna be eating in my house, he can try some of my food. Healthy food won’t kill him, and it doesn’t automatically mean its nasty tasting just because it’s good for you.”
That was the truth. It was also what Nick assumed. He thought that healthy meant giving up flavor. “Hey, I’m on your side.” Brian reminded him with a wink. Reaching out, he took hold of AJ’s hand. “Speaking of good food, Mom said she found a few recipes she wants to bring with her. Some things that are new and some that she’s tried. They’re supposed to be pretty healthy ways to make some of the usual Thanksgiving food.”
AJ opened his mouth to say something, shifting in his chair, but a sudden look crossed his face. It was one that Brian recognized instantly. He didn’t hesitate to let go of AJ’s hand, and tried not to sigh when AJ shot out of the dining room and up the staircase. He knew where AJ was going and exactly what he was doing. It did amuse him, though, that AJ always preferred to be sick in their private bathroom.
The medication side effects were rough this time around. Yes, he had moments, sometimes even almost a full day, where he felt ok. Other days he was miserable and sick as a dog. It all seemed to depend on what he did, or what he ate, or a whole bunch of other little things that they were trying to figure out. Dr. Shannon had added another pill to his meds, an antiemetic. That essentially was used to try and prevent vomiting. For the most part it seemed to help. But there were still random times that the nausea hit him and AJ would have to make that mad dash to the bathroom.
Used to it, Brian went to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. It was late enough in the evening that AJ had already taken his night meds and they would be in his system, so he didn’t have to worry about taking up the pill case.
So he moved through the downstairs, shutting off lights as he went, locking the doors. Then he headed upstairs, stopping only to use the guest restroom. Part of him wanted to be in with AJ, trying to help him and make him feel better. But there was one thing that AJ hated more than anything else and it was to have someone watch him throw up. Brian tried his hardest to respect that, even if it went against the grain.
When he finally reached the bedroom he could hear AJ heaving still and winced in sympathy. He had to force himself to set the water bottle on the nightstand on AJ’s side of the bed and then strip down for bed as if nothing was happening. God, he hated that AJ had to go through this. He hated watching his lover be sick.
Just as he sat down and picked up his book, the toilet flushed and the sink water started to run. Thank God. That allowed Brian to relax enough that he could open his book and start to read. Earlier he’d been in AJ’s office/library and had come across an old poetry book. It hadn’t surprised him, really. He knew AJ better than anyone else and he knew that AJ loved to read just about anything he could get his hands on. But poetry was a soft spot for him.
He’d finished the first page when AJ came out, running a hand over his face. He was naked, which had Brian’s eyebrows going up. No matter that AJ had just been throwing up; Brian couldn’t stop himself from watching that beautiful body come walking toward him.
AJ gave him a soft smile that said he’d noticed, but there wasn’t much he was going to be able to do about it. Not only was his stomach not feeling top notch, but they both knew that there were other parts of AJ that his medication had affected. When he was sick or really tired, his body didn’t respond the way that it used to. That had been a difficult one for AJ to come to terms with. They’d just started having that problem over the past week. Brian was still trying to convince AJ that it was ok. But how do you convince your lover that it’s ok when their body doesn’t respond to your touch? Watching AJ take his glasses off and put them on the nightstand, Brian wished there was something he could do to help.
“What’re you reading?” AJ asked as he climbed into bed and under the covers. He laid his head in Brian’s lap, snuggling in close. Brian smiled down at the top of his head. “Just one of your poetry books.” He answered, looking back at the page. An idea came to him and he wondered if it might work. He knew how much AJ loved listening to his voice; it was something that AJ had told him more than once. Maybe listening to it now might help him feel better? “Want me to read a few to you?” he offered tentatively.
AJ stayed quiet for a moment. Then, in a soft voice, he said “Really? You’d do that?”
Not bothering to dignify that remark with a response, Brian simply started to read. With only the light of his bedside lamp he read poem after poem until he felt AJ’s breathing even out and he knew that his lover had slipped into sleep. Only then did Brian bookmark the page and put the book down. Very carefully he shifted AJ’s head up to the pillow.
Turning the light out, he lay down and snuggled up against AJ’s back, spooning their bodies. He kissed the back of AJ’s shoulder. “I love you.” He whispered into the darkness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day AJ swore that he felt like absolute shit. Why, oh why did he always have to end up feeling disgusting on the days that he and Brian had something planned? Oh, sure, it wasn’t big plans. Just grocery shopping. But still, that wasn’t the point! It didn’t help any that Brian was so easy going about all of it. Maybe that wasn’t fair, but he didn’t care. When he was grumpy he didn’t want to see people who just rolled with it all. He wanted to grump and growl at everything. You couldn’t growl at someone who wouldn’t growl back.
When he curled up on the couch underneath a quilt, a remote in his hand, he glared at the television. He didn’t want to watch TV. Didn’t want to watch a stupid movie. His head was killing him, when it wasn’t busy spinning around. The effort it had taken to just walk downstairs and to the couch had been almost more than he’d had. Thank God Brian had been in the shower at the time. Otherwise he would have probably tried to help him down the stairs. Even though he really should have waited for Brian to help him, AJ hadn’t wanted to. He could feel his bad mood sitting on him like a dark cloud.
A knock sounded on the front door only seconds before it opened. AJ scowled and pulled the quilt over his head, dropping the remote on the ground. He didn’t want to see anyone. Whoever it was could just go the hell away. When he heard the chipper voice echo through his living room, his scowl grew deeper. “Hello, Littrell family!” Mikayla said happily as she walked right in.
AJ heard Brian walk in, followed by a “Hey, Kay! Been a few days since we’ve seen you. How’re you doing?”
“Oh, not too bad. Been working long hours. But I have today and tomorrow off, so I thought I’d come visit a little. Where’s AJ at?”
There was silence for a minute. AJ stared at the quilt square in front of his face. Good, let Brian warn her. Maybe she’d go the hell away and he wouldn’t have to talk to her. Sure, he loved the girl to pieces. She was like a sister to him. But that didn’t mean that he wanted to see her, or anyone, right then. If everyone in the world but Brian disappeared, AJ would have been perfectly content with that.
He should have known better. There was the sound of fabric brushing against itself and soft footsteps. Then he saw her shadow pass over his blanket. A second later Mikayla grabbed the top of his blanket and yanked it off his head. He blinked at the light, his scowl still set on his face, totally opposite of the glowing smile she wore. “Good morning, sunshine!” she exclaimed cheerfully.
AJ grabbed his blankets and suggested something for her to do with her good mood that wasn’t exactly polite. Instead of offending her, it made her laugh. She sat right down on the floor so that she was eye level with him. “I see someone is cheerful.”
“Fuck off, Mikayla. Go home.”
“He been this cheerful all morning, or is it just special for my presence?” Mikayla teasingly asked Brian.
AJ tried to sink further under the blanket and ignore the two of them as best as he could. He could still hear them talking, though.
“All morning. Though he has seemed to have saved his pithier comments for you, my dear. I almost feel jealous.” Brian put on a fake sorrowful voice.
“Oh, be still my heart.” The laughter in Mikayla’s voice was infectious, as was the happy banter between the two. Almost against his will AJ found himself wanting to smile at them. They were such nerds. “The both of you can shut the hell up right about now.” He called out.
With a dramatic sigh, Mikayla draped herself over AJ, burying her face against his shoulder. “But, AJ! Don’t make me leave you! Oh, how would I go on!” she cried out. That did it for him. He couldn’t stand pissed when she was this playful. Chuckling, he pulled the blanket off his head and shoved at her. “Get off me, woman. You’re such a nerd.”
“You love me anyways!”
“I ought to puke on you, that’s what I should do. You’d get off me then.” He mused out loud. As he’d wanted, that had her pulling back, even if she did it just to glare at him. “Alexander!” she scolded. “Gross. Don’t puke on me.”
“Did you come just to rag on me, brat?” he teased her, his tone light to offset the words. Somehow she had taken his bad mood and sent it out the window. “Or is there a purpose behind this visit?”
Mikayla put a hand over her heart and pretended to be shocked. “Can’t I visit just for the sheer pleasure of your company?” she asked him, her accent bumping up thicker than normal. That right there told AJ that there was something she was hiding from him. He’d originally been teasing her, just playing around by asking what she wanted. But now, with how thick she laid the innocent act on and the stronger accent and that little twinkle in her eyes, he knew she’d come over for a reason.
Despite the aches that it caused to do so, AJ scooted up a little on the couch so that he could better look her in the eyes. “Kay?” He asked in a serious voice. “What’s up?” The tone of his voice had Brian moving over. He made to sit down by AJ’s feet, but AJ snagged his hand and pulled him until he walked around Mikayla and took a seat near AJ’s head. That allowed AJ to snuggle in. He knew Brian would understand the apology in that cuddle.
Sighing, Mikayla rose up just enough to sit on the edge of the coffee table. “Well, actually there is something I want to talk to the two of you about. I did some research on this, and I want you to know that right up front. I’m not talking to you about this blindly. Before I even thought about bringing it to the two of you I wanted to make sure I had all the facts I needed. So please listen to me and hear me out before you shoot it down, ok?”
The seriousness of her tone had AJ feeling very nervous. He brought a hand out of the blanket to lace with Brian’s. He sat up a little more and glanced at Brian. His husband had the same worried and curious look to his eyes. “We’re listening, Kay.” Brian said solemnly.
Mikayla took a deep breath and folded her hands in her lap. “Ok, just remember. Hear me out, first. Let me get it all said and then you can say something, ok?” She waited for their nods before continuing. “Now, I’m going to start this by pissing you off a little. Two weeks ago I was here at the house and you two had gone out on the back porch to talk in private for a while. Couple time. I think I’d been on the phone or something. Anyways, when I got done on the phone I went into the kitchen to get a drink. Y’all had left the kitchen window open, so I could hear you talking. I eavesdropped for a little bit.”
“Mikayla!” AJ exclaimed before he could stop himself. He racked his brain, trying to think back to that day and what they had talked about. Was there anything they’d said that would bring on this kind of serious discussion?
She held a hand up to him. “I know, but please, let me finish. You guys were just talking about some of the things you’d like to do together. Building little what-if plans in the sky, you know? The one I heard you guys say that it sounded like you wanted more than anything was to have a child. But you thought that adoption was your only route, and you were afraid they wouldn’t let you adopt a kid into the home, knowing that you’re sick, AJ.”
Was this what she wanted to talk about? A way to help them adopt? AJ looked over at Brian again, surprised. Sure, the two of them had discussed adoption more than once. There was nothing they would love more than to have a child of their own. But what she said was true. What had kept them from trying was AJ’s fear that, since his disease was public knowledge, they would deny him because he was dying. Or that they might create a stink because they were a gay couple.
All signs of nerves were gone from Mikayla’s face as she became more animated in what she was saying. “I thought about this for a while. It just pissed me off. I mean, y’all are a great couple. If you want to have kids I can’t think of no one better than the two of you to be parents. A kid would have a wonderful home here. So I tried to think of ways to help you adopt. But then I thought, why don’t the two of you use a surrogate mother? I mean, you have to know I’d do it for you two in a heartbeat.”
That had AJ and Brian both startling. It was Brian who managed to say “We didn’t want to ask something like that from you. You have a life, a job, all that kind of stuff. But we wouldn’t want some random stranger. So we figured that just left adoption.”
“Well, you’re idiots then. There’s nothing that would honor me more.” She waved this off as if it was a moot point. “That’s not the big thing, though. I thought about bringing that up to you guys the next day but something else occurred to me. There’s this thing that I heard about, and I wanted to check it out before I brought it up and brought your hopes up. If you two had your choice, right here and now, and knew that no matter what the baby would be healthy, who would you want to be the father? Be honest. First thought that comes to mind.”
Brian answered first, his voice soft. “Alex.” He said. When AJ twisted to look at him, Brian shrugged. “I’d love to have a little part of you running around.” His voice went even softer. “To be honest, I can’t imagine anything that would make me happier than to have a child that was yours. To have a part of you for the rest of my life, even once you’re…once you’re gone.”
The worlds humbled AJ at the same time that tears pricked his eyes. “Baby…” He said softly. He brought one hand up to stroke over Brian’s cheek. Love for his husband filled his heart almost to bursting. No one had ever loved him like Brian did and there was no one that he had ever loved like he loved Brian.
Mikayla’s soft voice drew their attention back to her. “That’s what I thought. Like I said, there’s this thing I’d heard about. It’s called sperm washing. Essentially what it is is this. They take a sample of sperm from someone with the HIV virus in their system and they basically wash it. HIV isn’t actually in the sperm itself, but in the seminal fluid that surrounds it. So they wash all of that away, leaving happy, healthy little sperm. It’s not a common procedure, because everyone has the fear of infection, but out of all the pregnancies and children born, not a single mother or child has been infected. Not one.”
“Holy God.” AJ whispered. This would be like, a dream come true for them. He felt Brian’s grip tighten on his hand.
“Now, this isn’t you two asking me. This is something I want to do for the two of you. If you two really want to have a kid, I would be honored to carry it for you and to be Aunty Kay. No matter who you chose for the dad, I’ll do this for you. But this is a way for you to get what you want on all scores. Please, just keep in mind that I want to do this. I do. I’m healthy, and I know how to take care of myself, and I take vitamins already and I eat healthy. So don’t worry about me in your decision. Just let the two of you be the deciding factors. But if you do want to do this, I know my cycle and I ovulate this coming weekend, and we could go head to a clinic soon and get this started. Now I’m going to go get a drink and let you two talk.”
By the time her speech was done the two men were simply staring in shock. They didn’t say a word as she got up or as she left the room. But once she was gone, Brian said “Boy, when she gets a speech going, she can really talk, can’t she?”
“Hell yeah she can.” AJ rasped. His mind was spinning. Here was a chance being thrust into their laps to do what they both wanted more than anything. A child of their own, carried by a woman they loved and trusted. Just thinking about it had AJ’s heart swelling. A little baby to hold and love. A part of him left on this earth when he was gone.
The same thoughts seemed to be running through Brian’s mind. “I want this, AJ. More than I’ve ever wanted anything other than you. This gives us both what we want. We both want a baby, and I get a child of yours. A little part of you.”
“She wouldn’t have suggested it if it wasn’t safe.” AJ said softly. He could barely manage to force his voice out.
“No, she wouldn’t have. She said she researched it. It’s her body, so she’s going to be as safe as possible.”
“Then how can we not try? If she’s offering, how can we not do it? I know…I know I won’t be here for the child’s whole life. I probably shouldn’t want to bring a kid into our life when we don’t even know how long I’ll have to be here. I’m a selfish bastard. But I want to do this, Bri.” Tears gathered in his eyes. “I thought I’d lost this. I thought I’d never be able to look at a child and say that it was mine. Not just by name, but by blood. But I can now.”
The two moved at the same time, embracing one another tightly. “It’s not selfish, Alex.” Brian whispered in his ear. “We have to live our normal lives. Who knows how long you’ll be here? A year, or years, or what. We can’t let it rule our whole lives. We want this, and we deserve it.”
That was when they knew they were going to do it. Pulling back, they shared a kiss full of everything they felt. AJ no longer paid any attention to the aches and pains in his body, or the headache pounding in his forehead. His heart was too full for him to think of anything else.
Right then was when Mikayla came back in. She looked nervously at them, a glass of water in her hand. AJ couldn’t stop the grin from spreading on his face. Seeing it, Mikayla knew his answer before he spoke and her face lit up like Christmas morning. “You want to do it!” she exclaimed.
AJ grinned widely, his tears still sliding down his cheeks. “Let’s make a baby, Kay.”