Somehow he managed to pull himself together before the guys arrived. How, he didn’t know. He wasn’t even sure how well he was going to be able to contain himself. Underneath the shield he put up he felt as brittle as thin glass. One wrong touch, one wrong thought, and he felt as if he was going to shatter into tiny pieces all over the place. The only thing that stopped it right now was the knowledge the man sleeping upstairs.
But it surprised him that, when the door burst open and he saw his friends come in, he had to work extra hard to keep that control in place. It almost snapped as he stood in the middle of his living room and his friends converged on him. They didn’t start pestering him with questions like had thought they would. Instead, they gathered around him, each of them touching him in some way, offering the support of their presence. He must have looked worse than he thought.
He took a ragged breath. There were things that needed to be said and it would be best to get them out of the way. But he couldn’t seem to get them out. They stuck in his throat. Why was this hitting him so hard? He had known that it would eventually happen. Had thought that he’d mentally prepared himself for this. How wrong he’d been! There was no way to prepare yourself for the news that the life of the one you loved was getting cut so short.
Nick took hold of his hands, chafing them slightly to warm them. Howie slid an arm around his waist as if worried that Brian wouldn’t be able to stand on his own. Kevin just wrapped his arms around Brian and pulled him in for a hug. Their love enveloped him, threatening to snap the thin thread he held himself together with. He had to say this. Had to say it now, before he broke. “We were getting ready to leave and I found AJ in our room. He was sick, said that he was so weak he couldn’t even lift up the CD case.”
No one said anything, so Brian continued on. “He was achy and tired. Hasn’t been sleeping well. We called Dr. Shannon and got him in. She tested him, said he has a flu bug, but she’s worried about how his breathing sounds. She doesn’t want it to progress to pneumonia again, so she put him on antibiotics and an inhaler.”
That was the easy part of things. They all knew the potential for AJ to get sick was higher than with the average person. They knew that this wasn’t going to be what Brian was stressing so much over. But still they stayed silent. He appreciated that. It gave him an extra moment to gather himself for what he had to say next.
“Apparently he’s built up immunity to the current meds he’s on. So she’s starting him on new meds. They’re more aggressive than the old ones. He’s probably going to get sick as a dog from the side effects. But she tested his levels while we were there. His CD4 level has dropped. It’s…it’s 125.”
Nick’s grip on his hands tightened. “Can they bring it back up?” he asked. All of them knew that low CD4 levels weren’t good. But Brian realized that they didn’t know how bad it really was. Oh God. He was going to have to say it. To come right out and say it. They didn’t understand. His voice shook slightly. “A little. But once…once it gets below 200, they consider it full blow AIDS.” The last word came out like a croak.
Instantly his friends were closer, their touches a little tighter. Brian swore he could feel their pain, their fear, radiating off of them.
Howie’s head dropped to rest on Brian’s shoulder. “How, uh, how many years does that give him?” he whispered his question fearfully, knowing that the answer wasn’t going to be pleasant.
It took everything Brian had to stay on his feet. “That depends. If he doesn’t get too sick, and if he takes care of himself, he’ll have a better chance. Some people survive for a short time, some for five years, some for seven or ten.” He couldn’t seem to bring his voice above a whisper. Just saying the words brought the reality of it even closer to home. Ten years, max. Only ten more years with AJ? By age thirty seven, Brian could be on his own. So short a time to have with his love. AJ could be gone before he even saw his thirty fifth birthday.
Despite his best efforts, Brian felt the tears fill his eyes. He had thought he’d cried this all out with AJ earlier. But they came now, pooling in his eyes before spilling down his cheeks. “I can’t lose him.” The sentence tore out of him from that place deep inside where the pain and the fear lived. “God, I can’t lose him. This isn’t fair!”
Kevin pulled Brian in close, wrapping him in a tight hug. The other two let go as Brian was held in his cousins tight hug. There, against a firm chest and in strong arms that had always been there for him, Brian found that thread of control snapping. The tears came then, hard and hot and fast. Pain filled him from head to toe, bursting out of him in great, gasping sobs. He fisted his hands in Kevin’s shirt. “Why is God doing this to us?” he begged brokenly. “Why is he taking him away from me? He’s only twenty four!”
“I know, Brian.” Kevin whispered in a ragged voice. “I know.”
“It’s not fair! I love him so much. How is it right that we only get these few short years together? What’ll I do when he’s taken from me? How am I supposed to live without him?”
“We’ll be here for you. You won’t be alone, Bri. We’ll all be here for you.”
Something inside of Brian snapped right then. Grief morphed into anger, so deep and dark that it consumed him. He ripped away from Kevin, backing up on wobbling legs. “Yes I will!” He snapped out at them. The shock on their faces didn’t penetrate his anger. “No matter how much you’ll be here, I’ll still be alone! He’ll be gone. Half of me will be gone.”
One of Nick’s hands came out, reaching to him, but Brian didn’t want to be touched. He jerked back, glaring at them all. “You don’t understand, none of you! How could you? Look at your happy fucking lives. All of you are healthy, your partners are healthy. You don’t have to be afraid that your partner will get so sick from a common cold that they’ll go to the hospital. You don’t have to watch them take medication that makes them so sick they can barely move! None of you have had to sit and watch the other half of your heart be told that their own body is killing them!”
Tears dripped down Howie’s face. He wrapped his arms around his waist as he watched Brian break into a million pieces. None of them knew what to do. They were in their own grief, but it was nothing compared to Brian’s. They had no idea how to help him. There was nothing they could say or do that would make things better. Still, Kevin tried. “Bri, you can’t dwell on that. You have to-to live the time he has left.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Brian screeched. He was still crying, still gasping out little sobs between sentences. There was too much inside of him. He felt as if he was breaking apart. “I will cherish every second I have with him. But I can’t help being angry. I am so fucking angry! This isn’t right. He didn’t do anything to deserve this! I didn’t do anything! Why is God taking my baby from me? Why would he give him to me and then turn around and take him away? I hate this! I hate it!”
Sound drew all their attention over to the staircase. AJ was there, very slowly and carefully moving down the stairs. In a typical moment Brian would have hurried over there to help him. It was obvious that AJ was hurting as he walked, and it was obvious that his balance was off. But Brian couldn’t seem to move. He couldn’t break out of the grip of the anger and grief that were burning away his insides.
AJ said nothing to any of them. He didn’t look anywhere but at Brian. When he reached the bottom of the stairs he carefully made his way to Brian. Once there, he still didn’t speak. He brought gentle hands up, cupping Brian’s face, wiping at the tears.
With a supreme effort of will, Brian forced his anger and his heartache down as far as he could until he could speak with a steady voice. “You should be in bed, baby. I’m sorry I woke you.”
To everyone’s surprise, AJ shook his head. “No, Brian.” He said clearly.
That had Brian raising his eyebrows. “No? Alex, you’re supposed to be on bed rest. Would you rather be down here on the couch? Or did you want something to eat or drink?” He tried to focus on the practical things. His hands went to AJ’s waist in an attempt to move him. Despite how shaky he was, AJ planted his feet. “No, Brian.” He said again, voice firm. “This is enough. I’ve had enough.”
“Enough what?”
AJ leaned in and kissed him lightly. There was such a bright, fierce look on AJ’s face that it had Brian going silent. He never expected AJ to say what he did next. “Enough holding this shit in. I’m tired of it. Let go, Brian. Grieve. Quit trying to be so damn strong.” AJ practically ordered him.
The control that Brian had was thin and shaky. He felt it waver as he looked at the understanding and the love in AJ’s beautiful eyes. Deep inside Brian could feel the ocean of grief that threatened to suck him under. But he couldn’t just give in to it. AJ was the sick one here. He was the one who was dying, little by little. He was the one who was close to having pneumonia. The last thing AJ needed to deal with was a hysterical husband. “Don’t worry, Alex. I’ll be fine. Let’s get you lying down, please.”
“Stop it!” AJ shouted. It stunned Brian enough that he froze. AJ actually looked angry with him. “Dammit, Brian, enough is enough! Why do you have to be so fucking tough all the time? Look at me. Look!” As if Brian could look anywhere else but at his husband. “I’m dying, Brian.”
“I know.” Brian whispered brokenly.
“No.” Shaking his head, AJ kept their eyes locked. “Brian, I am going to die. In a year, or five, or ten, I won’t be here anymore.”
Why on earth was AJ doing this? “I know, Alex. I was there with you.”
“You know it, but you’re not feeling it. Let yourself feel, Brian. Let it out. Don’t lock it away inside. Don’t let it eat at you until it ruins the time we have together. You have to feel to accept it.” In a sudden move, AJ pulled him in for a kiss. “You were there for me to break, Bri. Let me be there for you.” He whispered against his lips. “Let me be the strong one for a while. Just let go.”
The tears were building again. Brian tried to keep them inside, to keep them under control, but AJ was kissing him again, whispering against his lips between kisses. “Don’t hold it in, baby. Don’t do that to yourself. I’m here for you. Let me help you. Let me be the one to be strong for a while. I love you. I love you.”
The sobs started to slip away from him. The small thread on his control was starting to break. Looking at AJ’s eyes, he saw his lover give him a nod. But this wasn’t right! He should have been comforting AJ, not the other way around. AJ was the one who was sick. Yet Brian found himself sobbing all the harder.
The gentleness and understanding in AJ’s eyes made it so much harder to try to stop the tears. Then, silently, AJ pulled Brian in close, wrapping him in a hug so tight it almost hurt. In that embrace Brian could feel all the love in the world. His hands came up to grip at AJ’s shoulders. He opened his mouth, intending on trying to reassure AJ that he was fine, but a broken wail came out instead.
Brian felt his legs give way; felt them both sink to the ground. Not once did AJ let go of him. One arm he kept wrapped around Brian and his other hand fisted in Brian’s hair, holding his head against AJ’s neck. Each tremble that Brian felt run through AJ’s body only made his tears come faster and faster. He heard AJ crying quietly. Slowly, his partner rocked them.
“I’m sorry.” Brian sobbed out. He tried to control his tears but couldn’t. “I’m sorry.”
In a voice gone husky with tears, AJ spoke, muttering soothingly. “Shh, shh baby. Don’t apologize. God, it’s about time you let it out. I’m here now, I’ve got you. Just let go. You’ve held it inside for too long.”
That just brought on more tears. Brian felt like there was an endless well of pain inside of him that was pouring out. Never in his life had he cried like this. Never had he felt something so strong and so painful. “I can’t lose you, Alex!” he wailed. Another sob ripped out. “I hate this!”
“I know. God, I know, Bri.” AJ kissed the top of his head. “I hate that you have to hurt so much. I hate hurting you.” Again, he kissed Brian’s hair, the hand that had been fisted in there now stroking. “I wish I could take your pain away. I wish I could change this.”
“You’re my life. What am I going to do without you?”
AJ shuddered, bringing Brian closer to him. Instead of feeling smothered, Brian wished he could get closer. He wanted to never leave AJ’s arms ever again. How would he survive when he could never do this again? The nights would be so long when AJ wasn’t by his side anymore. The bed would be too empty. They were like one person in two bodies. Without the one, the other would never be whole.
After taking a deep breath, AJ buried his face in Brian’s hair. “You’ll survive.” He said softly. “You’ll live, and go on, and have a life. You’ll sing and dance and laugh and love. It’s human nature. I don’t want you to pine away for me. I want to be able to look down on you and see you happy again.”
From where they stood in the living room, their three friends watched, tears sliding silently down their cheeks. Nick reached out to either side of him, taking Howie and Kevin’s hands in his. Never had they seen Brian break so hard. They had never seen the pain that these two lived with right out there in the open. It was like a glimpse inside of their life for that moment. A view inside of what they lived with every single day. It was heartbreaking.
Eventually Brian’s tears slowed and his sobs tapered off. He felt hollowed out inside. There had been so much that he had held inside for so long that, when he’d finally let go, it had all come tumbling out at once. Now that it was out, he was amazed at how emptied he felt. Oh, the fears were still there. But they weren’t eating his insides. They weren’t tearing him apart little by little. It was as if by acknowledging them he had set himself free.
“I love you, Alex.” They were the first words he had spoken in almost ten minutes, but they were the most important words in his world.
AJ kissed the top of his head again. “I love you too. More than anything else in my life.”
Pulling back a little, Brian looked into AJ’s eyes. They may not have completely come to terms with things at that moment, but Brian could tell that they had both taken a large step towards acceptance. He found that he could smile, even just a little, and he loved seeing the answering smile on AJ’s face. “Thank you.”
“It was long overdue.” AJ’s smile grew a little softer. “I know you’re hurting too, Bri. When you need to break, don’t hide it from me. We’re a team. Partners. Husbands, now. That means sharing the good and the bad.”
Sniffling, Brian wiped at his cheeks. “It also means taking care of one another.” He said with a chuckle. Now that the pain was out he was finding his balance again. “This means getting you on the couch. Bed rest, remember?”
But the two embraced first. They had taken a large step together, Brian thought to himself, and it felt right. Maybe things weren’t perfect. But they weren’t going to ruin what time they did have left. Whatever happened, they would deal with it. Together.