*September 2002*
Brian couldn’t seem to keep the grin off his face as he loaded their suitcases into the back of the car. The chilly air whipped around him, pulling at his coat and chilling his skin, but he didn’t care. Nothing could get to him right then. He looked down at his hand as he put the last suitcase in the trunk and closed the lid. The simple wedding band there just made his smile grow bigger. A month later and he still couldn’t believe that he and AJ were now Mr. and Mr. Littrell.
The commitment ceremony had been small yet beautiful. It had been something simple and yet it had suited the two of them perfectly. In every way possible they were now tied to one another. It still humbled Brian to think that AJ had openly and willingly taken his last name. For someone as masculine and tough as AJ could be it was sweet to know that he was willing to be teased about being the bride simply for the pride of sharing his love’s last name.
“Why not?” AJ had told him when they’d discussed it. “Ma abandoned me. You, you’re my family now. You’re all the family I want or need. Of course I want to take your name. What does the Mclean name mean to me? Nothing. But to be AJ Littrell, that means the world to me.” It was both amazing and humbling.
Now they were getting ready to head off on their honeymoon. Imagine that, a honeymoon! The thought alone thrilled Brian. After all of the things they’d been through in the past six months, hell in the past two and a half years, it just seemed perfect to get away for a while. To have time dedicated solely to them.
He started back toward the house, whistling softly to himself. In the back of his mind he hoped that AJ would be able to catch some sleep on the plane ride. Excitement seemed to have kept him tossing and turning for most of the night, leaving him looking pretty tired this morning. He worried about it, but he didn’t press the issue. AJ had said he’d be fine with a little sleep so Brian had let it go.
Opening the front door, he called out to AJ. “Hey, you almost ready up there?” For half the morning AJ had been gathering last minute things together. When Brian had left him to put the bags in the car, AJ had been busy sifting through some CD’s that he wanted to bring with them. I swear Brian thought, chuckling. That man can’t keep his mind made up for longer than thirty seconds.
When he got no response to his yell he started up the staircase. Most likely AJ was so absorbed in whatever he was looking at that he didn’t even hear Brian’s voice calling to him. “Alexander, you’re out of time! I’ve got the car loaded and we’re going to leave even if I have to throw you over my shoulder!”
Still there was no response. Suddenly nervous, Brian quickened his pace, rushing up the last few steps. “AJ?” he called out. With his stomach in knots he rushed down the hallway and turned into their bedroom. He found AJ sitting on the floor, leaning against the side of the bed. His knees were drawn up and his arms were wrapped around them. He had his forehead pressed against his knees.
For a moment Brian felt relief. He’d terrified himself that he was going to find him passed out up here. “Baby, why didn’t you answer me? Are you ok?” Moving over, Brian knelt down beside him.
“Go away.” AJ whispered hoarsely. His voice sounded like he’d been crying. More afraid than before, Brian reached out and touched the back of his neck. “Alex, honey?” Brian stopped right there, looking down to where his hand was. God, but his skin was warm there. Without hesitation he moved his hand to AJ’s cheek. That was warm too. “You have a fever.”
AJ shifted enough to pull back from Brian’s hand. “I don’t care.”
“Well I do. Let’s get some Tylenol in you to try to bring it down before we leave.” Despite wanting to panic, Brian kept himself calm and level headed. Panic would get him nowhere. So AJ had a fever? Everyone got a fever every now and again. It didn’t mean they couldn’t travel or live their life or anything like that. It just meant he had to be careful until it broke.
Lifting his head, AJ rested his chin on his knees. The skin on his face seemed to have lost some color. In those chocolate eyes was a debate that Brian swore he could almost see. That need to panic grew a little stronger.
Finally AJ sighed and looked directly at Brian. There was fear there now. “I’ve been fighting off this cold for a few days. I didn’t want to tell you and spoil our honeymoon.” AJ admitted. His voice was low and raspy and carried that little hint that told Brian how scared AJ was. “But I think my body isn’t fighting. I think I need the hospital, Bri. I couldn’t even lift up that bag of CD’s. I’m so tired and sore and I feel like I’m weak. Look at me! I’ve lost like, almost five pounds just since the wedding.”
To have AJ admit that he needed the hospital made it all the more terrifying. With his fear of needles he had a tendency to avoid the hospital at all costs. Brian licked his lips before taking a deep breath. Calm. He needed to keep calm. That was the most important thing right then. If he panicked, he would be useless to AJ. But, oh God, why this? Why now?
AJ’s hand wrapped around his suddenly, pulling Brian out of his thoughts. He looked down into the face that he loved so much and saw the understanding in AJ’s eyes. His lover knew he was afraid. As if to verify that, AJ spoke softly “It’s ok to be scared, Bri. I’m scared too. You don’t have to be so tough all the time. It’s ok to be scared.”
“I want to be strong for you.” Brian whispered back. He had never come right out and told AJ the way that he felt about these things before. Always he had been as strong as he could be so that he could be AJ’s rock. Yes, they’d discussed their fears. But Brian had never told AJ how hard he tried to force his fears down so that he could be the strong one.
The knowledge of it was in AJ’s eyes right then. In that look, Brian could tell that his lover had known all along how hard he’d been trying to show only strength, and how much he loved him for it. “Whether you’re strong, or whether you break down and cry, you’re always strong for me. There’s strength in weakness, baby. Just because you get scared or even if you cry, it doesn’t make me think any less of you. It shows me that I’m not alone in being afraid and that can help sometimes just as much as your quiet strength.”
AJ’s words had a profound effect on Brian. He closed his eyes for a second, feeling slightly humbled. How had it happened that AJ had become the quietly wise one? For there was wisdom in his eyes and in his words. “I love you, Alex.” It was all he could say.
“I love you too, Brian.”
Sharing like this took some of the burden off of Brian’s shoulders. He was still afraid, but he didn’t try to force it back. He let it sit there inside of him, admitting to it, and found that he could draw a different kind of strength from it. When he opened his eyes again, he wore a soft smile. “Let’s get you out of here. Can you stand up?” he asked.
Embarrassment put some color back into AJ’s cheeks. He uncurled a little, making a small effort to move. When it failed, he looked up at Brian wryly. There was no need for words. Brian rose and took both of AJ’s hands in his, helping to lift him up from the ground into a standing position. AJ wobbled a little, but he stayed upright. His eyes did slide closed on a soft groan. “God, I feel like I’m an old man.” He complained in a voice gone slightly wheezy. “My bones ache and my muscles feel weaker than shit.”
“Let’s get you settled on the bed and I’ll give Dr. Shannon a call, see what she thinks we should do.” Brian suggested. It seemed more practical than rushing in to the ER for something that they might just turn around and send him home for. He had a feeling they’d end up going in anyways, but if there was any chance they could avoid the hospital, he figured he’d give it a try for AJ’s sake.
Sure enough the idea had AJ smiling at him. He backed up a step before almost dropping down onto the bed. Brian helped him get his legs up there and get settled against the pillows. Once he was, Brian sat down with him and pulled out his cellphone. He pulled up the info for Dr. Shannon’s office and hit send. First he spoke to a receptionist, but within minutes Dr. Shannon was on the line. “Hey, Brian! What can I do you for? Aren’t you supposed to be on your honeymoon?” she asked him.
“Well, we loading the car up to go an AJ isn’t really feeling well. He couldn’t lift the little bag of CD’s or even stand up on his own. He’s tired, but he didn’t sleep well last night, and he says his muscles are weak and his joints ache. His skin’s pretty warm to the touch, too. I mean, I know he could just be sick, but we didn’t want to travel anywhere with him feeling this way, and we weren’t quite sure if we should bring him in.” Brian gave his explanation without letting the panic seep into his voice. But his hand was gently stroking through AJ’s hair.
They were pretty lucky in their doctor. Dr. Shannon had told them before that if they had any concerns to never hesitate to call her. She said that sometimes just a quick phone call and chat could save them a needless trip to the ER.
“How’s his breathing?” Dr. Shannon asked in her usual, no nonsense voice.
Brian looked down at AJ and listened to him breathe for a moment. “He’s got a slight wheeze, but not too much.”
“Any cough?”
“None I’ve noticed.” Again Brian looked to his partner. Even though AJ’s eyes were closed, he knew he wasn’t asleep. “Baby, you have any coughing at all?” he asked him gently. AJ didn’t speak, but shook his head no. Brian relayed the information.
Dr. Shannon stayed quiet for a moment as she did something with her desk. “Why don’t you bring him in, oh, about forty five minutes from now? I’ve got an opening then and I think I need to see him. As he stands, I doubt he needs the ER but if he becomes delirious, his fever spikes suddenly, he starts coughing, or any of the other million things we’ve all discussed before, you bring him straight in, ok?”
“No problem. Thanks, Dr. Shannon.”
Once his phone was back in his pocket, Brian turned his full attention to AJ. “She’ll see us in about forty five minutes, honey. We should start working our way to the car to give us plenty of time to get there.” He murmured. AJ looked so tired and so small lying there. Looking at him, Brian wondered how he hadn’t noticed how badly AJ was feeling.
He’d seen that AJ wasn’t feeling well, yes. But looking at him now, Brian could see the thinness to AJ’s face. Not much, but enough that it was starting to be noticeable. Not just a slimness but a thinning. The clothes he wore weren’t baggy, but they didn’t look like they fit him as well as they used to. It wasn’t anything big at the moment; just a million and one little thing. Like how it looked like AJ had hooked his belt one hole further over than he normally did. Or how his bracelets seemed just a little bit looser on his wrists.
AJ sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “This is such bullshit, Bri.” He grumbled. With Brian’s assistance he managed to sit up. “I mean, we’ve been doing so much lately. Maybe that’s all it is and I’m just running a little low on steam. All the excitement with the press finding out about us and about me and then the wedding and now our honeymoon. Maybe I’m just running low on energy. Could be I just need a day of rest.”
“You could be right, honey.”
“But it’s bullshit.” AJ said again. “I never got like this on tour. I could always manage to keep up. And if it’s just me being tired, why couldn’t I sleep for shit last night?” There was no real way to answer. Both of them knew that. But AJ needed to get these things off his chest. They’d been eating at him the whole time Brian was on the phone. “I’m so tired of being sick. I just want to get better again, and I can’t. I won’t. It’ll only get worse.”
He sighed, resting his head on Brian’s shoulder for a second. Brian could think of nothing to say or do to make his partner feel better. Everything that AJ said was the truth, hard as it was to think. So he settled for kissing the top of AJ’s head and whispering “I love you.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AJ sat nervously on the exam table, fiddling with his shirt hem. He felt absolutely horrible. Like, really fucking gross. Thinking like that made his lips curl a little. What a mature way to think of it, Mclean he taunted himself. Still, a man couldn’t be expected to be full of good humor and quick thoughts when he felt sick as a dog. That thought had him pausing. Where on earth had that saying come from? Sick as a dog. A dog wasn’t perpetually sick.
“What’s put that look on your beautiful face?”
Drawn from his thoughts, AJ couldn’t help but smile as he looked over to where Brian sat. A million and one times it seemed like they’d been in this exam room. It was Dr. Shannon’s room at the hospital and it was where they always came for his appointments. Same as always, Brian was sitting in the chair by the wall, alongside the exam table. He was looking at AJ with that same soft look he always wore. It never failed to set AJ’s heart fluttering or to fill him with warmth.
Belatedly he remembered Brian’s question. “Oh, um. What look, babe?”
“It looked like you were thinking something funny.”
Had he been? Oh, yeah, that was right! “I was thinking that I felt sick as a dog, and it made me stop and wonder where they came up with that figure of speech. Dogs aren’t always sick.”
Brian laughed, and AJ didn’t even mind that Brian was laughing at him. It was wonderful just to listen to his partner laugh that way; so carefree. AJ thought that, even though his body felt like it had been run over by a truck, he would always remember the way that Brian looked then. So sweet and loving and full of life.
Before Brian could answer him, the door to the exam room opened and Dr. Shannon walked in. Almost instantly Brian was standing, one hand on AJ’s back and the other coming to rest on AJ’s thigh. He appreciated the closeness. One look at Dr. Shannon’s face told him that he would need all the support he could get. This wasn’t going to be good news.
Dr. Shannon held her clipboard in her hands, looking from one of them to the other. Her eyes were firm, yet there was a hint of sadness in them. That had AJ’s insides locking down in self-defense. He knew, in some deep place way down inside, he knew what she was going to say to him. He had known it from the moment this cold had refused to go away.
“First things first, AJ. You have a flu bug, true enough, but I don’t like how your lungs sound. You’re more prone to things like pneumonia than most average people, and I’m afraid your body is trying to turn that way. We’re going to give you some antibiotics for it as well as an inhaler. So long as you don’t get worse, you should be able to stay at home. But I am putting you on insane amounts of bed rest for the next three days. Couch or bed, but relax as much as possible.”
That wasn’t all. That wasn’t what she was looking so sad about, and it wasn’t what he was focused on. What came next was what had his insides in knots.
She could see on his face, on both their faces, that they knew what was coming. It broke her heart to have to say it. “It also looks like your body has built up immunity to your new medications. They aren’t doing what they should be doing. Honestly, you build up immunity pretty quickly to things it seems. Either way, we need to start you on new medications.” She sighed, looking from one to the other. “They’re more aggressive than the other ones, which means worse side effects.”
“Why more aggressive?” Brian asked her. His voice held fear, but also that strength that AJ found himself continuously relying on.
A flash went across Dr. Shannon’s eyes, and AJ knew that this was it. Before she could say it, he did. “It’s progressed, hasn’t it?” he asked her quietly. Beside him, Brian tensed a little more. The hand on AJ’s back started to rub soothingly.
After a moment’s pause, Dr. Shannon nodded. “Your CD4 levels tested in at 125, AJ.” She said solemnly. “But with the right medication we should be able to get your levels back up a little, though nowhere near what they should be. This isn’t something we can reverse. But we can maintain it. With maintenance, you can still have quality to your life.”
Mentally, AJ tacked on ‘However long that may be.’
The room faded a little around him. He didn’t pay any attention to what they said to one another. Hell, he didn’t even see them anymore. Finding out he was HIV positive had been the hardest moment of his life. The pain of knowing that he’d been handed a death sentence had devastated him and almost destroyed him. But he had gained hope once he started the medications and had talked to Dr. Shannon. He had dared to hope that he might have the years that they said were possible.
But once the disease progressed to AIDS, he had read enough information to know that the average life expectancy was five to seven years. Some people managed ten, some fifteen, others only a year. It was all a matter of lifestyle, and if any opportunistic infections hit, and things like that. Stupid infections that came in because the HIV/AIDS virus suppresses the immune system, allowing things to slip in that the normal person would never get sick from.
AJ felt so numb. He thought that he should be grieving. He should be doubled over with the pain as he had been when he’d discovered he was HIV positive. But instead he was sitting here, not noticing anything around him, unable to care. He was numb. Nothing was penetrating through his fog.
Nothing but Brian.
Suddenly that sweet southern voice was at his ear and he could feel those familiar arms wrapping around him, holding him close. There was a tremor in Brian’s hug that had AJ wanting to soothe him. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to do anything. He couldn’t move. Brian said nothing now, just simply held AJ close.
Finally, after some time passed and AJ found himself feeling more human again, Brian whispered in his ear. “Let’s get home, sugar. Let me get you home.”
AJ opened his mouth, intending to say ok, but what came out was something else entirely. “I don’t want to die.” His voice broke on the words. AJ licked his lips, surprised that he had said that. On his lips he tasted the salt of tears. Was he crying? He hadn’t realized it.
Once again the arms around him tightened and AJ found his head buried against Brian’s neck. Unlike anyone else would have, Brian didn’t offer him reassurances, didn’t say that he would live for years and years. He knew instinctively that AJ didn’t need to hear that. Instead, he said, “I don’t want you to die either. I love you so much.”
With those last five words, the final part of AJ’s numb shield slipped away and the pain came crashing in. He collapsed into Brian’s embrace and sobbed out all the pain in his heart.