Once AJ was calm again, Brian took control of the situation for a short while. First he stuck the paperwork he’d been given in the backpack he wore. They always took a backpack with them wherever they went, full of any random things they might need. Then he gathered AJ up and helped him down to the pharmacy. Dr. Shannon had said that AJ’s new medication would be waiting down there for him. So, with an arm around AJ’s waist, Brian led him from the room. The tears seemed to have numbed AJ again, or exhausted him. His eyes were barely open and the arm that AJ had around Brian’s waist was only lightly there.
“Come on, baby, we just need to get your meds and we can go.” Brian whispered soothingly as he led AJ out of the last hall and into the pharmacy. It felt absolutely wonderful to be able to be able to walk through the hospital without fear of being seen or caught or anything like that. They no longer had to be afraid. That was the one good thing that had come from that day at the mall.
Stepping up to the familiar front desk, Brian looked at the pharmacist on duty, a young man whose nametag read “Cliff”. He wasn’t someone that Brian recognized, though he and AJ had become friendly with the pharmacists here. Oh well, he didn’t let his brain dwell on that, it wasn’t important. “Hi, I’m here to pick up medication for AJ Littrell.” He said with a small smile for Cliff.
Cliff looked at the computer, his fingers clacking across the keys. “Do you have ID?” he asked.
Curious, Brian shook his head. He’d never needed ID before. But, he couldn’t complain about it when it was a security measure. He stole AJ’s wallet from his back pocket and pulled the ID out, sliding it over to Cliff. A moment later cliff was handing it back and looking at whatever files he had on the computer again. Then he disappeared behind the counter, coming back with a bag that carried AJ’s new bottles of pills. “Mr. Mclean, we just need you to sign right here.” Cliff said, putting a pen down by the bottom of the paper.
His words managed to penetrate the fog on AJ’s brain. Looking over, Brian saw AJ’s red rimmed eyes clear a little, attitude growing there. “It’s Littrell.” He said in a husky voice.
“Sorry, Sir, but our papers here still say Mclean.”
“I suggest you fix your paperwork then.” AJ snapped at him as he picked the pen up and signed his name. “Because we turned in the proper papers to notify you of the name change. I got married.”
Cliff’s eyes shot up to look at him with confusion. “You took your wife’s last name?” he asked in surprise.
Shock had Brian staring. Was this dude serious? Either he lived under a rock, somehow managing not to hear of their wedding, or he might not be into the whole music scene and so might not recognize them. But even beyond that, couldn’t the idiot see the way they were holding on to one another?
Apparently AJ was thinking the same thoughts. “Are you kidding me? This is my husband right here.” He pushed the paperwork back across the counter and held a hand out for his medications. “Now, if you’re done quizzing me on my name and my marriage, I’d like my medicine.”
In short order they had the medications and were out at their car. Only once Brian had started the car and they were heading back home did AJ speak again. “You’ll have to call and cancel all our reservations. We’ll have to unpack, all that kind of stuff. Let everyone know that we won’t be gone and they can reach us at home if they need us.”
“I’ll handle it, Age. Don’t worry about it.” Brian tried to reassure him. A glance to the side showed that AJ was more annoyed than reassured. With a sulky expression AJ sat back in his seat. “I don’t need you to handle everything for me. I’m perfectly capable of doing some things. I’m not disabled.”
“I never said you were. But the doctor ordered you on bed rest and you’ve been so tired all morning that I thought you might want to sleep some.” Brian told himself to hold the little flash of annoyance inside. It hadn’t been AJ’s intent to come off sounding like a jerk. He’s not frustrated with you he told himself. He’s frustrated with being sick. You would be too if you were in his shoes.
Whatever AJ had been about to say apparently died off his lips. He stayed silent for most of the car ride. Finally, when Brian had parked the car and was just turning it off, AJ reached over and took hold of his arm, drawing his attention. “I shouldn’t have been an ass.” He said without preamble.
The blunt honesty that AJ was notorious for never failed to make Brian smile. He leaned over to press a soft kiss to the tip of AJ’s nose. “No, you shouldn’t have. But I won’t flip if you are. On occasion, that is.” He teased.
AJ smiled and let go of his arm. “Gee, you’re so tender and loving, Brian. My heart is just all aflutter.” AJ said sarcastically.
Amused, Brian gave his biggest, cheesiest grin, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at the same time, while he climbed out of the car. Even at the back of the car he could hear AJ’s laughter. By the time he got to the passenger door, AJ was already opening it and moving to step out. Already wearing the backpack, Brian didn’t need to grab anything else, so he was ready and waiting when AJ finally got to his feet and then started to wobble.
As unobtrusively as possible Brian took hold of AJ’s waist to help steady him. “Good to see you’ve realized how tender and loving I am.” Brian said cheekily. He winked at AJ as they started to move toward the house. “Just keep that in mind, right alongside how right I always am, and our marriage will be perfect.”
AJ snorted and pinched Brian’s hip. “Traditionally it’s the wife that’s always right.” He reminded Brian. A sparkle danced in his eyes as he watched Brian unlock the door. “So since everyone says I’m the wife here, wouldn’t that make me always the right one?”
The logic in that statement had Brian turning to look at him. “I….hmm.” There was no safe response. So Brian just opened the door and ushered them into the house. “So, bed or couch, AJ?” He asked his lover. It was an obvious attempt to change the conversation and it had AJ grinning at him. “Bed, oh husband of mine.” AJ answered. Turning slightly serious, he added “Grab my meds case and we’ll sort out the new meds and gather up the old ones. Figure out side effects and such like that, too.”
Fifteen minutes later they were both settled on their king sized bed, all of AJ’s old pills in a plastic bag beside the bed, the new bottles of pills spread out before them alongside his pill case. “Let’s see what we got now.” Brian said, picking up the first bottle and the paperwork that went with it. “Ok, this one’s called Emtriva. One pill, once a day, with or without food. That’s not too bad, baby.”
AJ turned his pillow, cradling it in his arms a little as he rested his head on the top part. “What’re the side effects?” he asked dryly.
Looking at the sheet, Brian skimmed through until he found what he needed. “Let’s see. It says ‘Common side effects are: abnormal skin sensation; change in color of skin on palms or soles of feet; changes in body fat; cough; depression; diarrhea; dizziness; headache; indigestion; joint or muscle pain; nausea; runny nose; sleeplessness; stomach pain; vomiting; weakness or lack of energy.’ Sounds pleasant, eh?”
“Oh, cheery. I’ll be depressed, shit, have my head spin as it aches, get an upset stomach, ache in every part of my body, cough, have a runny nose, not sleep, potentially vomit, and not really have any energy. Boy, just a walk in the park.” AJ said sarcastically. His eyes slid closed so that he didn’t see the pained look on Brian’s face.
In the face of AJ’s obvious depression, Brian tried to keep himself as peaceful as possible. The list of side effects worried him too, but he also knew that just because they were listed didn’t mean that AJ would get them. “You know that even if you do get some of these side effects, you won’t get them all, Alex.” He tried to remind him.
AJ sighed a little. “I know, honey. What’s next? Hell, how many am I taking now?”
Quickly Brian counted the bottles. “Including the antibiotic? Five. The next one is, uh…” he shifted, picking up the next bottle. “…Viread. One a day, with or without food. The most common side effects of Viread are rash, headache, pain, diarrhea, depression, weakness, and nausea. Less common side effects include vomiting, dizziness and flatulence.”
“Oh great, let’s add farting to the embarrassing things I get to do.” This time AJ’s tone was less sarcastic and leaning a little more toward amused.
Trying to keep that amusement there, Brian pretended to groan. “So you won’t just stink up the bathroom, but the whole house now? God, I’m going to go totally gay and start buying out the potpourri stores.” He said dramatically. As he’d wanted, this made AJ giggle. He peeked at Brian, his smile evident in his eyes, lightening Brian’s heart. “Shut up, Mr. Littrell, and read on. What’s next?”
“That would be…Norvir. Twice a day, with food. It says that allergy medications can worsen its side effects. Which are…oh, pleasant again! Nausea, diarrhea, stomach discomfort, numbness or tingling around the mouth and in the limbs, increased cholesterol, increased triglycerides, lipodystrophy, hepatitis, weakness, increased glucose, increased liver enzyme levels, and increased bleeding in patients with hemophilia.”
“Next.”
Brian chuckled at AJ’s dry tone and tossed that package down, moving to pick up the next one. “Reyataz. Once daily with a light meal. Do not take stomach antacids within two hours after taking this medication. Um, common side effects are nausea; headache; stomach pain; vomiting; diarrhea; depression; fever; dizziness; trouble sleeping; numbness, tingling, or burning of hands or feet; and muscle pain.”
“God.” AJ breathed out, rolling on to his back. He stared up at the ceiling for a while. “I’m going to be miserable until these wear off. Not to mention being sick on top of it.” He brought his hands up to rub at his eyes. It broke Brian’s heart to see the stress in every inch of AJ’s body. To hear the slight quiver in his voice. “I hate this, Bri. I fucking hate this. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
Unable to resist himself, Brian scooted closer so that he could kiss AJ’s lips. “I wish I could take some of this on for you. I hate watching you suffer.”
“It’s only going to get worse.” AJ said softly. He dropped his hands down so that he and Brian were staring eye to eye. In that look there was so much more than there used to be. In just the few years that he’d been sick, AJ had aged inside. The both of them had. But it had grown even more just since the doctor appointment. Now his eyes held the knowledge of his own mortality. “Despite everyone saying I could have thirty years left of my life with this disease, I’ll be lucky to get another ten. I’m going to get sicker and sicker. Not just medication side effects, but those infections that’ll get in easier and easier because my immune system is dying off. This disease is going to destroy my body.”
“I know.” Brian spoke softly, his throat tight with emotion. He hated thinking about these kinds of things. He hated thinking of AJ getting that sick. Of him dying. “I knew that from the moment you told me what you have. It didn’t stop me then and it won’t stop me now. I love you, AJ.”
A corner of AJ’s mouth quirked. “I know. No matter how much it hurts you, I know you aren’t going anywhere. I just…I hate this, Brian. It pisses me off, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I’m going to spend the rest of my life fighting to not get sick! None of this is fair. I thought I’d have so much more time. I thought I could make a life with you.” Tears filled AJ’s eyes and thickened his voice. “I thought we could grow old together, and maybe raise a family. Look in to adopting. There’s so much left in my life I want to do.”
Watching AJ finally break down was enough to bring on Brian’s tears. He wanted to hold them in, to try and be the strength that AJ needed, but he couldn’t stop them from silently sliding down his face as AJ kept speaking.
“I want to do so much. I want to be here to see Howie and Nick get married. To see the guys start their families, have their children. To be Uncle AJ. I want to travel with you to little places where we could just be another set of tourists. To go somewhere beautiful and have a nice white Christmas. I want to grow old, Bri. To watch as your hair turns silver and to see the wrinkles on our faces that come from years of love and laughter.”
Great choking sobs cut off AJ’s speech. With a small cry, Brian dropped down and gathered AJ into his arms. Together the two clung tight in the middle of their bed. “It’s not fair!” AJ sobbed out, over and over. Brian knew there was nothing he could say to make things better. Inside, he felt his own heart breaking. AJ was right, this wasn’t fair.
For a while they held on to each other as rocks in the center of a storm. All the pain, all the fear and the heartache, it all poured from them. But eventually the tears dried up and the shaking stopped. Brian pulled back first, his hand coming up to stroke down AJ’s cheek. “I am going to stick by your side until the very end. No matter what, Alex, I would not give up any time I get with you. And just because you’re sick doesn’t mean we can’t do any of those things. We can still do so many of them. Whatever time we have left together, we’ll cherish, and we’ll make the best of them. Live them to the fullest.”
“I don’t know what I’d do without you.” AJ whispered to him.
Inside, Brian echoed that thought. He had no idea what he was going to do when AJ was gone from his life. It wasn’t something that he wanted to think about, though it crept up on him during those sleepless nights. When, and it hurt to say when, his lover died, it was going to be devastating. “I’ll be here until the end.” Brian swore solemnly. For now, that was what he would focus on.
Downstairs one of their cell phones rang, startling the both of them. AJ kissed Brian’s lips, whispering “Go ahead and get that. I’ll gather up the meds and put them on the counter. After that I think I’m just gonna take a nap anyway. I’m beat, babe.”
“You want me to come back up when I’m done?”
Brian saw AJ flash a grin at him, making it obvious that he was watching Brian’s ass as he got out of the bed. “If you want to lay down with me, I won’t protest. But I’m betting I’ll go out like a light. Go on, Bri, go answer the phone.”
With one last look, Brian sighed and dashed out of the room and down the stairs. He didn’t waste time seeing who was on the caller ID, just opening the phone quickly so he wouldn’t miss the call. “Hello?”
“Hey, Bri!” Nick called out cheerfully. “You guys left yet? The other two are here and we wanted to drop off a present for you before you left. D says you’re probably at the airport waiting for the flight, but I thought it left later in the day. So I said I’d call and prove I was right before we just came on over.”
The usual jumbled up Nick conversation was just the ticket to have Brian smiling for a second. It faded, though, when he realized what he had to do. “You’d actually be wrong, Nick.” He said, prolonging the inevitable for a moment. “Plane left a while ago.”
“Oh. I’m surprised you answered, then!”
“Well, we’re not actually on the plane. We’re still at home.” He chewed his lip. Moving out of the living room, he headed to the kitchen to get himself something to drink. A glance at the clock showed him it was only noon. Half a day gone, and so much had changed already.
Something in his tone alerted Nick and had him asking “What happened? Is everything ok? Is J ok?”
God, he didn’t want to do this. Didn’t want to say this to them. In an instant he knew that he couldn’t do it over the phone. “He’s sick, so we took him to the doc. Listen, I’d rather talk face to face. If y’all can keep it down, can you come on over? He’s upstairs sleeping right now.”
There was no hesitation on Nick’s part. “We’ll be there in twenty.” He said.
“Thanks, Frack.”
“No prob. Leave the door unlocked, we’re on our way.” Without another word or even a goodbye, Nick hung the phone up.
Brian looked down at the cup in his hand. There were other phone calls that needed to be made, and reservations that needed to be cancelled. There was plenty to do to keep him occupied and to keep his brain from thinking.
But for that moment, Brian just closed his eyes and stood in the kitchen as he felt a part of his heart break off.