Brian felt his mouth drop open when he saw his mom leap up from her seat. Holy cow, this hadn’t been what he was expecting! As she screeched out “What?” he felt AJ’s grip tighten even more. Pain sliced through first, followed quickly by a fierce protectiveness. Like hell if he would sit here if they were going to try to bash AJ for this!
What happened next stunned him so much that he couldn’t manage to even speak. His mother, his kind sweet Christian mother, turned to look at his father as she said the most profane thing that Brian had ever heard her speak. “That lying, no good, two faced little bitch!”
Wait a minute, what? Confused, and still shocked to hear his mother speak that way, Brian looked over at AJ. His lover looked just as shocked, but there was no confusion on his face. In fact, there was a light of understanding there.
Brian watched AJ’s face as he lifted his head and looked at the Littrell’s. “You two already knew.” He said in a serious voice. That was enough to have Brian whipping his gaze back to his parents. Wait a second, they’d know? How was that possible? But his mother’s words were sinking in a little more.
Turning toward them, Jackie threw her hands up in the air. “Of course we knew! We’ve known for six months now! Ever since we ran into that little liar…” Jackie cut off when Harold reached out and took her hand, giving her a warning look.
If anything, AJ’s voice seemed to turn harder and colder. He let go of Brian’s hand to wrap both of his own around his teacup. Brian felt almost like an outsider, his head going back and forth with the conversation that seemed way ahead of him. “I hadn’t thought about that. I can only imagine how Ma told it to you.”
Everything clicked into place. Denise had told Jackie and Harold about AJ being HIV positive. Six months ago, apparently. Why that little…He forced his thoughts under control so that he could pay better attention to the conversation.
Jackie was sitting back down again, reaching for her teacup. “We ran in to your mother six months ago when she was in Lexington for something or another, what I’m not sure. But she asked if she could meet us at the house and we told her of course. I’ve always enjoyed your mother’s company.” Licking her lips Jackie set her cup back down, obviously irritated.
Her husband reached out and covered her hand with his before taking over the story. “Your mother met with us at the house and told us that she had to come clean about what was happening. She said he felt that we should know what our son was living with. At first we thought that maybe he was referring to your relationship, but she wasn’t. She sat us down and told us that you were HIV positive, AJ.”
Anger bled back into Jackie’s face. “I can’t believe we listened to her.” She said heatedly. “She told us that you had been using drugs and caught it off a dirty needle. That she was afraid you were still using drugs. She told us how she wanted to reach out and help you but that you wouldn’t let her. But that she was still trying every day to convince you to get some help.”
Here Jackie looked over at Brian. He sat there, totally numb, as his mother and father told this awful story. “She told us she thought we should know so that we could save you, Brian. We asked her if you knew the truth, if you knew what he had. She said yes, but that she was scared that you were being manipulated.”
“We told her that if you knew, and were still there, then there was nothing we could do to stop you.” Harold said in his deep voice. “You’re a grown man. To be honest, it made us proud that you didn’t bail on the person you love simply because times are tough. When she realized that we would support you, she left. Then just yesterday we get this panicked call from you, and we knew what you were going to tell us, so we came out hoping to be some kind of support. We tricked you boys, and we’re sorry, but we were trying to ask the right questions this morning, hoping it would get you to finally tell us and understand you two can trust us.”
There was so much to process. Brian couldn’t believe it. Not only that his parents knew, and had known for six months, but that they were so supportive. They weren’t condemning him, or yelling at AJ, but were proud of how he’d stuck by his love’s side. Brian turned to look at AJ and saw the emotion that choked his face.
AJ was gripping his teacup now, staring down into its depths. His eyes were shut and his features were tight. “She…she wouldn’t listen when I tried to tell her. She thought I was lying about the transfusion. It infuriated her.” He cut himself off when his voice broke a little. Before Brian could do anything, even just reach for him, AJ was up and out of his chair, muttering “Excuse me” as he dashed toward the living room.
His poor baby. It broke Brian’s heart to think of the pain that AJ must be feeling inside with all this stuff that his mother was pulling. He started to rise, to go after him and try to soothe, but Jackie put a hand on his arm. “Please. Do you think he’d be ok if I went after him?” she asked her son. “I’d like to talk to him some.”
The look in her eyes had Brian smiling. He sat back down and nodded. Taking her hand, he pulled his mother in to give her a tight hug and to kiss her cheek. “Thank you.” He whispered in her ear. Jackie just squeezed him back. “We love you, Bri. The other guys in the group have always been close to our hearts, too, the closer they got to yours. We love that man in there too, and we’ll always support the two of you.”
Tears built in Brian’s eyes. He smiled up at his mother as she straightened and cupped his face. “You’re the most wonderful mother. I’m blessed to have you in my life.” He whispered.
Jackie bent and kissed his forehead before moving to go after AJ. She was almost at the door when Brian stopped her with a quiet “Mom?”
“Yes honey?” she asked him.
He bit his lip and tried to think on how to word this. “AJ’s changed since you guys last saw him. He still tries to be tough sometimes, but in the last year he’s really lost that hard outer shell. One blow after another keep knocking him down, but he’s starting to learn how to lean a little. He’s softer now, tenderer, and easily bruised.”
“I’ll be gentle.” She said with a smile as she went out the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AJ curled up in the window seat in his living room, one hand holding the curtain back a little, staring down his yard to the front gate below. As morning started, press was lining up out there, dying for one shot, one interview. Like little parasites they were latching on to this story until they could milk it dry.
A sound behind him alerted him that Brian had finally followed. He’d been wondering how long it would take before Brian would come after him. Not because he would think that AJ running out that way was rude, but because he above all others would understand the emotion that AJ was feeling inside.
So sure of that was he that when he turned his head and saw Jackie taking a seat beside him, he almost gaped in surprise. Then he quickly ducked his head down, slightly embarrassed by the tears in his eyes and on his cheeks.
Much the same as her son always did, Jackie laid a hand over AJ’s hand. “I wanted to come in here first and foremost to tell you that I’m sorry for believing the awful things that your mother said about you.” She spoke softly to him.
The apology surprised him. She thought he was upset about that? He quickly tried to reassure her. “Oh, Mrs. Littrell, you have nothing to apologize for. It came from Ma’s mouth. Why wouldn’t you believe my own Ma? Who would think that someone’s mother would just, lie, like that?” He cut himself off before his voice cracked again.
The hand over his closed over his fingers. “I’m also terribly sorry that she’s so lost in hatred that she can’t see the truth right before her. My heart breaks that your mother would treat you like this.”
AJ fund himself looking up at her despite the tears that were still flowing. “You believed me right away when I told you what happened. You didn’t even doubt me for a second. Instead, you instantly saw that she was lying.” That still amazed him. No one but Brian had ever had that much honest faith in him.
“Well of course, AJ.” Jackie said with a fond smile. “You’ve never been a liar, for one. At least not to me, and never that I’ve heard Brian say. Two, it never made sense to Harold or I. We never saw you looking high on anything. We never heard anything from Brian to suggest that you’d be using. We also trust our son’s judgment and we knew that he would never be with someone who was using heavily.”
One of her hands came up to cup his cheek, thumbing away the tears. “But more than that, we’ve gotten to know you over the years. The person we know wouldn’t be the type to dive into the drug scene. The man our son fell in love with isn’t the type to do those kinds of things. You have a good heart and soul, AJ Mclean. You don’t deserve this hurt.”
The genuine sincerity in her voice was almost AJ’s undoing. Jackie and her son were so much alike. Both wonderful and kind and caring, with this charisma to them that just made it so easy to like them and to talk to them. He found himself opening up to her like he had to no one else but Brian.
“She so easily believed the bad stuff about me and just cut me down as I tried to correct it. I found out I have something that’s going to kill me and she was supposed to be there for me. But she wasn’t.” He closed his eyes and relished in the warmth of her hand on his cheek even as he wished in his heart that his mother had been this kind. “Brian tries so hard to make up the lack of it, but then I worry that he’ll run himself ragged. When I got pneumonia and I was in the hospital, he stayed with me. She never came. When they told me that my CD4 levels dropped lower than they’re supposed to and I was terrified to start my new meds, she wasn’t there.”
“You poor child.”
AJ opened his eyes and looked at Jackie’s face. He could see the sincerity of what she felt right there in her eyes. She really did care about how he was feeling. Him, AJ. Not just because he was Brian’s boyfriend, either. AJ could tell that it was honest concern for him.
The tears came hotter and faster now, breaking past the thin shield he’d been keeping in place. Without another word, Jackie leaned forward and wrapped him in her arms. There, against her shoulder, AJ let down his guard and sobbed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the kitchen Brian sat with his dad, sipping at their tea. For the first few minutes they stayed quiet, simply letting the tension drop down some. After a little bit, Harold flashed his son a smile. “Never thought I’d see the day you two would be sitting around sipping tea for breakfast from a fancy tea service.” He teased his son.
Brian gave him back the same grin. “Wait till you see how we eat.” He teased him. “Sometimes the dishes are even considered vegetarian.”
“You, eating a meal without meat? My meat and potatoes son? I’m amazed.” Harold put a hand to his heart teasingly.
Once they’d shared a laugh, the two men turned the subject back to the more serious. The moment of levity gave them the calmness to discuss what needed to be discussed. Harold asked the most pertinent question first. “How are you holding up, son?”
Setting his cup back in its saucer, Brian looked down at the liquid inside. “I’m taking it day by day. If I try to think too far ahead I start to panic a little.” He murmured. Emotions ran rampant in him as he looked up at his father. “It’s scary, and heartbreaking, and so many other things. But if I let those get to me then I’m going to end up ruining what time I do have with him. Plus, he needs me. He needs me to be able to be strong for him.”
“You can only be so strong for so long, son.” Harold told him gently. There was a world of love and concern in his eyes. “Every now and again you need to be able to lay your burden down. You can’t carry all of it all the time.”
Brian gave his father a soft smile. This was the man who had been his rock through life. Whom he had always looked to for guidance in troubled times. It felt good to sit at the table with him and talk about this. “For a while I thought I had to. But then I remembered something important.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.” Sitting up straight, Brian smiled as he quoted “I remembered the verse, ’your father knows what you need before you ask him. So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today's trouble is enough for today.’ It helped me to find a little peace.”
Harold felt a strong pride for his son at that moment. “You’ve grown into quite a man, Brian. I’m proud of you.”
To hear his father say those words, no matter how old Brian became, always thrilled his heart. “Thank you, Dad. That means a lot to me. All of this means a lot to me. I try to live by that piece, and remember that tomorrow will come when it comes and nothing will be able to change it. But some days I’ll admit it is hard.” Again he looked down at his cup, as if the liquid there would have some kind of answer or strength for him. “It’s so hard to watch him when the medication has him sicker than a dog, or weak as can be. For a while there he couldn’t keep anything down, so when I’d hold him or pick him up he’d feel so small. He’s eating better now, but he can’t handle a lot at once, so we space it through a few meals a day instead of just three. Just, watching it all makes my heart ache. I love him so much.”
Rising from his chair, Harold moved to take the empty seat next to Brian. In a move he’d done a thousand times before he reached out and wrapped his son in his arms, cradling his head to his shoulder. Brian did the same as he always had. He practically melted into his dad, resting his head on a shoulder that had always been there for him. Harold said nothing, only holding him.
Sheltered there, Brian felt safe to let out his fears. They boiled up from that place that he kept them locked away deep inside and spilled out of his mouth while tears built in his eyes.
“I’m so scared, dad. I worry that something’s going to happen to him and I’m going to lose him. When he got pneumonia we had to be in the hospital for a while and he just looked so small and so frail. Pneumonia is horrible for someone with HIV. It can kill him.” Brian whispered. He brought his hands up, burying his face in them as the tears started to overflow. “They told us that his current medication wasn’t working and his CD4 had dropped from 350 to 275. If it gets below two hundred then it becomes full blown AIDS. Once that happens, he’ll be lucky to have a year most likely. I don’t want to lose him.”
“I know, son. I know.” Harold whispered soothingly. His heart broke not only for his son, but for the man in the other room. To have to live with something like this at their age, when they were still so young with so much ahead of them in life.
“We just discovered one another this way only a few years ago. A few years aren’t enough. I want him in my life forever. But I’m terrified that something’ll happen and I’m going to be alone. But I don’t want him to see how scared I am. He’s hurting so much.”
“You have the right to hurt too, Brian. He wouldn’t want you to lock it away.”
Brian gave a watery chuckle. “Oh, I know. He gets pissed when he thinks I’m putting him ahead of myself. But he’s so alone, daddy. His mother bailed on him and he has no other family. The guys try to understand, but none of them really know what to do so they find it easier to stay away. Don’t they realize that we don’t know how long he has in life? It could be months or years that we have left with him. But they all act like he’s going to be just fine. It stresses him. He has nobody but me and now Mikayla, a friend he grew up with.”
Moving, Harold framed his son’s face and pulled him back so that he could look at him. In Harold’s eyes Brian saw a strength that helped to give him courage. “Brian Littrell you two are not alone. You will always have us, and so does that young man in there. He isn’t just a friend of the family anymore. He is family. You two are committed to one another, and even though you can’t marry, you might as well be married. This makes him our son-in-law. We will always be here for the both of you, until the very end.”
Love overflowed in Brian’s heart. “Thank you.” He said in a soft voice. “I love you guys.”
“We love you too. The both of you.”
Just as they pulled apart and Harold had moved back to his seat, the door opened and Jackie and AJ walked in. One look at AJ’s face told Brian that his lover had been crying. Without thinking about it, Brian scooted his chair back a little and held his arms open wide. There was no hesitation on AJ’s part as he walked straight to him and sat on his lap, letting Brian enfold him in a warm hug. “I love you, Bri.” AJ whispered in his ear.
“I love you too, Alex.”
They shared a soft kiss before AJ shifted to face Jackie and Harold. Keeping his arms around AJ’s waist, Brian shifted as well until he was comfortable. When AJ put an arm around his shoulders, Brian leaned his head against the side of AJ’s chest, snuggling in. Things may have been hard, but life always seemed ok when he was wrapped up like this with AJ.
“Ok.” AJ said with a small smile. “Now that we’ve got the weepy moments out of the way, we’ll tell you guys the second big part. The reason we called you out so urgently.”
“We’d wondered about that.” Jackie admitted. She was under her husband’s arm, leaning against his side. It made her heart swell with happiness to see her son and his boyfriend sitting the way they were, so obviously happy with one another.
With his usual honesty and bluntness, AJ told the story of the mall incident and what had come from it. When he was done he sighed slightly, his hand twirling in Brian’s curls in a nervous gesture. “The guys will be here about nine I guess so that we can discuss what’ll happen with management and such like that. We’ll have to plan for the group and such.”
For a moment Harold and Jackie looked at one another silently. When they turned back to them, both were smiling. Brian recognized the happy look that they wore, as well as the determination in their expressions.
“Well,” Harold said in a firm voice. “We’ll just stick around for a while if you two don’t mind. Present a united front to the press, show that we support you two. You guys and the others can figure out what to do with the band and such, and we won’t interfere there. But we’d like to stay and be here for you two for a while, if you don’t mind.”
Brian looked up at AJ and they shared a look of surprise and happiness. “We don’t mind.” AJ said, turning back to them. He wore such a bright smile that it made Brian’s heart sore. This was exactly what they needed. Time to spend with one another, to bring AJ into their family and show him that his mother may have abandoned him, but he wasn’t alone.
“Well, that’s settled then.” Jackie said, clapping her hands. “Now, how about we rustle up some breakfast? Brian told me you two are eating better, AJ. I’d love to show you this quiche recipe that I have that is absolutely divine and is wonderfully healthy.” She rose to her feet, holding a hand out to him.
After one last look at Brian, AJ took her hand and rose to his feet. “I’d love that, Mrs. Littrell.” He said fondly.
Jackie patted his cheek. “Call me Mom or Jackie, dear. We’re family now.” She said it so simply that Brian felt tears prick his eyes. Love for his mother filled him. The same look was in AJ’s eyes, too. They went soft as he smiled down at her. “Only if you two will call me Alex.” He replied.
That was a big step for him, Brian knew. He wondered if his mom or dad understood it. No one but those he loved had permission to call him ‘Alex.’
The smile on Jackie’s face said that she did understand. “It’s a deal. Now, Alex, how many eggs do you have?”