By the time there was a knock on the door, signaling the arrival of the others, the group of them had already polished off their breakfast and were on their second pot of tea. AJ took the plates off the table while Brian went to answer the door.
AJ took advantage of the moment that it would take for Brian to answer the door and for everyone to come back to mentally gather himself. This was going to suck, he knew that. But there wasn’t anything they could do to change it from happening. He was just stuck with dealing with the situation as it came up.
While he rinsed off a plate, Jackie gathered more cups to bring out to the table and Harold moved over beside AJ. He gave him a grin and took the rinsed plate from him to set it inside the dishwasher. The two men shared a smile and, together, finished cleaning up breakfast. By then Brian was back with Kevin, Nick and Howie in tow.
Greetings were exchanged all around the room, creating a babble of voices that AJ was familiar with. It was the same any time they got together. No one could ever wait their turn to actually say anything. They just all spoke up at once and you simply had to try and keep up. As usual, though, Kevin eventually stepped up to the head of the table and called for order in his usual, blunt way. “Ok, ok! Everyone shut up and take a seat!”
Laughter came next. Even AJ gave a grin as he leaned a hip against the kitchen counter and watched everyone start to get comfortable. He had to shift the weight off of his one leg where he was really starting to feel those stitches. They ached and burned, which wasn’t a very fun combination. But he couldn’t seem to bring himself to walk over to the table and join them all. Nerves ate at his stomach like acid.
This was so important. If he’d found out anything, which he probably had, this would be when Kevin would tell them all exactly what was going on from managements end. How had they reacted to this kind of publicity? Were there going to be serious repercussions? One stupid moment at a mall and now the rest of their lives could be fucked up. He didn’t know if he could handle this.
So lost in thought was he that AJ didn’t notice anyone standing by him until a warm, solid hand came to rest on his shoulder. It surprised him that, when he looked up, he saw Brian’s dad standing there. His face was full of sympathy. “It’ll work out, Alex.” He said softly.
Grateful, AJ raised his hand and rested it over Harold’s for a minute. Then he took a deep breath, smiled, and moved to join them all at the table. Since most of the seats were taken, he shrugged and moved to sit on Brian’s lap again. His lover easily welcomed him, holding his waist loosely and snuggling in. AJ ignored the sniggers from his friends.
“Ok, now that everyone’s here and settled.” Kevin said. He looked around the table at everyone with a serious expression on his face. AJ grabbed Brian’s hands, which sat clasped in his lap. His lover squeezed him slightly and kissed the side of his arm in a show of support. The way that Kevin was looking at them didn’t exactly look good.
Hooking his thumbs in his pocket, Kevin sighed slightly. “Management isn’t exactly happy right now. I won’t sugar coat this at all cause there’s no point. Just keep in mind that I’m just the messenger here, and I don’t agree with them at all.”
Well, hell, that didn’t sound good. For the first time since he’d quit, AJ longed for a cigarette. He knew that whatever Kevin had to say was going to suck. It was going to suck hard.
“So, here’s the thing.” Kevin shifted uncomfortably. All eyes were locked on him. “Their first reaction was fury that you didn’t disclose this kind of information. I very politely and firmly reminded them that there is nothing in our contracts that states that we have to inform them of an illness. Their second reaction was to disband the group.”
Instantly the sound of protests filled the dining room. AJ felt Brian’s grip tighten around him momentarily. Deep inside, AJ found that he wasn’t surprised, or as hurt as he had thought he would be. In fact he’d expected something like this.
Kevin raised his hands to silence everyone and continued speaking, which quickly silenced the room. “But, I pointed out to them that if they did this it would not only smack of discrimination to the press, but that we would legally pursue it. Legally, they cannot break contract with us because of your disease, AJ, or your guys’ relationship. If they try to do so, we’ll sue them for all their worth.”
“So where does that leave us with them?” Howie asked. He was sitting at the other end of the table, holding tightly to his teacup. There were stress lines in his forehead and his mouth was turned down in that thoughtful frown that he wore when thinking.
Sighing, Kevin picked up his cup and took a small drink. “Right now, there’s not really anything we can do but try to weather the press. They’re going to publish an official statement explaining the circumstances behind how you contracted this, Age, but they won’t name the hospital that you got it from. As for you two being in a relationship, they feel that maybe if they pump it up right it might actually be good publicity. PR said that we might lose some fans, but at the same time we’ll probably gain plenty from the gay community. You two will be the only gay couple in a music group. People are used to, like, Elton John. But they aren’t used to the idea in boy bands. So we’re supposed to get you two out a lot, get some photo ops done, all that kind of stuff. Play it up a little.”
“Oh boy.” Brian said, faking a lisp. “We’ll be the gay spokespeople! Isn’t that just fabulous!”
That broke some of the tension in the room. Everyone chuckled at him. AJ turned to look down at Brian and winked. “Maybe they’ll stick us in a huge gay pride parade. Wouldn’t you just love dressing up in rainbow colors and marching, sugar?”
“Oh, it would be to die for, Alex! So long as I get to wear my rainbow sequined vest. You know how I love those flashy colors.” Brian put a hand over his heart, still using his fake lisp as he spoke. Their banter had everyone around them in stitches.
With a grin, AJ kissed Brian’s forehead before he turned back to the room. “So basically we’re going to be pretty ok with management. We didn’t fuck up the band.”
Jackie leaned around Nick, who sat between her and Brian, and smacked the back of AJ’s head. “Watch your language at the table.” She scolded him. Dropping his head down, AJ mumbled “Yes, mom.” In a sheepish voice. Smiling, Jackie sat back in her chair again. Brian on the other hand threw his head back and roared with laughter. AJ couldn’t help but have his spirits lifted, seeing his love laugh like that. It seemed like there wasn’t enough laughter in their lives anymore.
“Oh man.” Brian chortled. He wiped tears of mirth from his eyes. “Bet you didn’t realize what you were signing up for by coming into this family, did you?”
“Meh.” Shrugging, AJ couldn’t help but grin. He liked the sound of that. Of being a part of Brian’s family. “It’s worth it.”
Nick pretended to gag, earning him a punch in the arm from Brian. “You two are so sappy sometimes!” Nick teased him.
A smile curved Jackie’s lips. “I think it’s sweet, Nicholas.” She told him softly. “Maybe if you talked to Sam like that sometimes you would get a little further with her.” The rebuke was delivered in such polite tones that it made everyone start laughing again while Nick sat gaping like a fish.
As he watched his friends, his family, interact around the table, AJ couldn’t help smiling at them. He was pretty blessed with the people he had around him. Despite everything that had happened, the people he loved and who loved him were gathered in his dining room to show their support and try to help in any way they could.
Shifting, AJ was pulled from his thoughts when his movement caused his stomach to roll. Oh, God. That was a sensation that he knew well. He sat completely still for a moment, trying to decide if it would go away or if it was going to get worse. His rigid posture must have warned Brian that something was up, because his lover whispered in his ear “Are you ok?”
Everyone was still talking and laughing, not paying any attention to the little byplay between him and Brian. But AJ found that he couldn’t respond to Brian. He had the answer to his question. One hand flew up to cover his mouth as he practically leapt off of Brian’s lap and made a mad dash for the bathroom. It hurt like hell to run on his stitched up leg, but it was either that or hurl all over the floor. As it was he barely made it to the toilet in time before his breakfast came flying up to see him.
Thank God that no one came to bother him. It was embarrassing to have someone sit with you while you vomited. Even as he knelt there, though, he couldn’t help but say a thankful prayer that it had been long enough since he’d taken his meds that he didn’t have to worry about if he’d thrown them up too.
The nausea didn’t hit him all the time anymore and he was thankful for that. But it still did sometimes. Plus, Mikayla had warned him that the pain medication they had given him, mixed with his medication regime might cause some nausea.
Ten minutes later he was finally capable of getting up and brushing his teeth. Once that was done he gingerly made his way out of the hall bathroom and back toward the dining room. Just as he moved to the dining room door, his front door slapped open. AJ turned, his face turning to a mask of shock as he saw who stood there. “Ma.” He breathed out.
Denise snapped the door shut behind her and stood in the entryway, looking so furious that AJ thought she was quivering. In that one single instant he felt like a child cowering before his mother when he’d done some huge misdeed.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Denise hissed out to him, stomping further into the room. Against his will AJ found himself stepping out to meet her halfway. His heart soared to see her even as it broke at the sight of her fury. “What have you done, Alexander?”
“What?” It was all he could think of to say. His brain didn’t seem to be working.
“You know what! Don’t you act stupid.” She snapped out. “Are you trying to make me the laughing stock of the world? How dare you go out there and tell the press about your little problem. Did you stop to think for one minute how this would affect me? What this would do to my life?”
He could only stare at her in amazement. That was what she was here for? “Ma, I wasn’t trying to embarrass you.”
“I can’t even hold my head up in public!” she screeched out. Her shrill tone had AJ wincing. “I had to field calls all morning long from the media trying to get information from me about your disgusting disease!”
The door behind AJ opened and Brian’s firm voice filled the room. “What is going on here?”
Denise looked over AJ’s shoulder at Brian and snorted. “I should have known you’d be here. I tried to warn you that he’d bring you down. How can you not care about what he’s done? You’ll be tainted by your association with him now, there’s no going back. No matter how much you deny it people will think that you’re just as sick as he is, and into just as many drugs.”
AJ crossed his arms over his waist, trying to hold his pain inside. It took every ounce of will he had to keep his face expressionless. To not let her see how badly she was hurting him. He had known she was furious with him about things, but he had never expected this kind of reaction to their public statement. “Ma.” He tried again. “Please, let’s just calm down. It’s not what you think it is. If you would just listen to me for a minute…”
“I know plenty enough!” Denise shrieked.
Her attention was caught as the door to the dining room opened again and everyone came filing out. Brian stepped out of the way, moving to stand beside AJ and rest his hand in the small of AJ’s back for support. Everyone else ranged themselves out behind him.
Eyes snapping, Denise looked around at them all. “Don’t any of you care what he’s done?” she demanded of them. “This will ruin the whole lot of you. Now everyone will know the truth about him and his drugs and his disgusting life. How can you stand so calmly with him?”
“We know the truth.” Kevin said in his firm, deep voice. “If you’d open your eyes, you’d know the truth too.”
“I know the truth! It’s all of you who’re too blind to see it! I know my son. You think he’s telling you the truth about this? He’s just too ashamed to admit that he was disgusting enough to use dirty needles or that he slept around. But I know him, I know the truth!”
To everyone’s surprise it was Jackie who stepped forward. She put her hand on AJ’s arm and glared at Denise. “How dare you?” she said furiously. “You call yourself a mother? You have no right to claim him! No mother would disbelieve her son when he told her something like this. No mother would have abandoned him in his pain. No matter if he really had got this from what you say, you still should have been there for him! How dare you try to bring your lies to us and try to get us to come between them?”
Harold stepped up behind them and put his hands on AJ’s shoulders. “You have no right to come in here and treat him this way inside of his own home. It’s you who should be ashamed.”
Their love and support almost brought AJ to tears. He was surrounded by the Littrell’s and they were standing up for him in the way that his real mother should have been. That eased some of the knot in AJ’s chest and helped him to straighten his spine. “I love you, Ma.” He said in a firm yet gentle voice. “I wish you would see the truth. Coming out to the press wasn’t really a choice for me and it wasn’t something that I did to hurt you. That’s not the kind of person I am. You know that. You used to know me better than anyone else in the world.”
“I thought I did. But the son I knew would never do these kinds of things to me.”
“To you?” AJ exclaimed. He felt some of his hurt turn a little toward anger. It pushed back the nausea that was still rolling in his stomach. “How on earth am I doing this to you?”
Denise put her hands on her hips and glared furiously. “Did you even stop for one minute to think about what would happen to those connected to you when you told the media about your disgusting little secret? What it would do to me to be harangued for what you did to yourself?”
“This wasn’t my choice!” AJ finally shouted. He felt the warning touches from each Littrell but he was too far gone to care. “Dammit, Ma, I didn’t ask for this shit! Some asshole fucked up the blood for my transfusion and didn't screen it. That isn’t something that’s my fault!”
“I-”
He sliced a hand through the air, cutting her off before she could speak again. “I didn’t choose to tell the fucking press. I got mobbed by fans at the mall with Brian and Mikayla and the fans knocked a kiosk over and sliced my leg open.” He reached down and grabbed his pant leg, yanking it up to show the stitches in his skin. “I was bleeding and the medic at the mall was an idiot who didn’t have gloves and had a cut on his finger. Morally, I couldn’t let him touch me without warning him. Would you have had me potentially infect another person so you could keep your damn pride?”
Denise looked a little shocked as her son’s temper finally burst over her. Everything that he had been feeling, everything that was bottled up inside was suddenly spewing forth from him. He couldn’t seem to stop it.
“This isn’t all about you. God, can’t you let go of your anger long enough to see how badly I needed you? How much I still need you? Out of all people you were one of the ones I needed on my side the most, Ma. But you disowned me and called me a liar and ran out. You accuse me of not thinking of you, but have you once thought of me?”
“This is-”
“Where were you when my meds made me sick, Ma?” he roared over top her protests. Though he didn’t realize it, tears streamed down his cheeks. He didn’t even notice that the hands that had been on him for support were now holding him in place. “Where were you when I threw up all the time and lost so much weight? Where were you when I was shaking and terrified and trying to figure all this out? Where were you when I caught a simple cold and had to be hospitalized for pneumonia? Huh?”
“You had pneumonia?” Denise breathed out in shock.
AJ clenched his hands into fists. This had been bottled up for far too long. “Where were you when they had to change my meds because the old ones weren’t working? When I found out that my CD4 levels had dropped so low that I was in danger of progressing to full blown AIDS? Where were you then? Because you couldn’t get past your delusions I was left without my mother there to help me through all of this. So tell me how this is about you, Ma. Tell me where I was supposed to be thinking about you when never once have you thought about me?”
For a split second it looked like Denise might soften. But then something in her eyes snapped again and AJ felt his heart actually break. He knew what she felt now before she even opened her mouth. The words she said only added to the pain on his heart. “I see it was a mistake coming over here. I told you before, and I will say it one last time. I have no need to think on you or to be here. I don’t need to witness God’s punishment to know it’s being done. When you meet your maker form this disgusting disease you brought on yourself, you’ll pay for your sins. You’re no son of mine. As of now, I have no son.”
AJ pressed his lips together to hold the pain inside. Words were useless now. Nothing he said was going to make any difference.
From his side Jackie spoke again, her voice all the more powerful for its softness. “You will be the one who will have to answer for your sins to Him about all of this.” She told Denise firmly. “The loss is yours here, Denise. You’re right, you have no son anymore. You’ve effectively cut him out of your life and hurt him in ways no mother should. But I’m proud to tell you that I may not have given birth to this wonderful man, but he’s the partner of my son and a beautiful man all on his own and we’re proud to make him a part of our family.”
Furious, Denise glared at them all for a moment before spinning on her heel an storming from the house. The sound of the door shutting echoed like a gunshot.
AJ stared at the door for a moment as his heart throbbed for the woman he had always loved and always would love. Silently he said his goodbye to her. Jackie was right, the loss was hers. She had made her choice and now she was going to have to be the one to live with it. He was not going to let himself be stuck in that kind of pain and heartache when there was nothing he could do to change it.
Taking a deep breath, he turned around so that he and the three Littrell’s made a small circle. “Thank you, so much.” He whispered to them. It was all he could say.
Brian put an arm around his waist and one around his Dad’s while Jackie did the same. It pulled the four of them into a huge hug. “You’re part of the Littrell clan now.” Brian teased him gently.
Pulling back, Harold smiled at him. “Welcome to the family, son.”
Nothing else had ever sounded so perfect.