It was obvious that neither Howie nor Nick knew quite what to do with themselves. They kept toward the foot of the bed, looking just slightly uncomfortable. Brian held no such qualms. He took a seat on the side of the bed and was holding AJ’s hands. “How you feeling, baby?” he asked him.
AJ tried to smile behind the mask. The stupid thing was annoying, but it made breathing easier. It was scary how hard it had become to breathe in just the short time since he first woke up. “Better.” He admitted quietly. It was uncomfortable, being like this in front of others. Not in front of Brian, though. He felt ok with Brian seeing him like this. There was no chance that Brian would mock him for being weak. Not that he really thought the others would, but, there wasn’t really logic to it.
As if sensing his discomfort, Brian squeezed his hand lightly. “You still sound like shit, though, baby.”
“Gee, thanks.” AJ managed a weak chuckle. Against his will his head rested back against the pillows. The bed really was comfortable, and now that Brian was by his side he felt safe enough to go to sleep. Stupid hospitals. How was a person expected to sleep alone in a little room with machines beeping at them? You never knew when some vampire nurse would come in and steal your blood.
He opened his eyes to look at Brian, barely managing to stay awake. Whatever medicine they’d give him, combined with the cold itself, was trying to suck him into sleep. That small part of him, the part that hated hospitals and hated being sick, wanted to ask Brian something. But the bigger part of him, mostly made up of pride, didn’t want to show any more weakness to his friends than he absolutely had to.
But Brian seemed to read the thought out of his mind. Leaning in, he kissed AJ’s forehead, whispering against his skin. “I’m not going anywhere, baby. Just you get some sleep, ok?”
With that reassurance, AJ let himself drift.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian watched as AJ gave up the fight and fell asleep. Lying in a gown in the hospital bed, he looked almost childlike. Tenderly Brian stroked his hair back. None of this was fair. It wasn’t right that someone so special had to live with this. Hell, it wasn’t right that anyone had to live this way.
He took a deep breath and tried to block away the wishful thinking. There was no point in moaning over what had already happened. The best to do was deal with what has happening now.
“At least he’ll be ok. You guys got him in here for treatment in the nick of time it sounds like.” Nick’s voice was hesitant and concerned. Part of Brian wanted to reassure him while the other half wanted to snap at him. He took a second to moderate his feelings before he answered. “He will be all right. We just have to be careful. Colds and such like this are dangerous to him.”
“I didn’t realize, Bri. I…I’m sorry.”
Honest confusion had Brian’s eyebrows drawing down as he turned to look at Nick. “Sorry? For what?”
Nick looked down at his hands, which were resting on the foot of AJ’s bed. He chewed at his lip for a moment before saying “I gave him my cold. I should have been more careful, but I didn’t think about it. He got this because I didn’t think about how easily he gets sick.”
“No, Nick!” Quickly Brian turned himself more, keeping one hand on AJ but reaching out to Nick with the other. “Frack, you didn’t do this. He could get sick anywhere, especially with the amount of fans we see all the time. You had no idea that he’d get your cold or get this sick.”
“But I should have.” Nick straightened his spine and looked Brian in the eyes. There was pain there, and worry, but also guilt. “Sometimes I think I just, well, forget what he has. He never mentions it, and so sometimes it’s easy to forget he has anything wrong with him. But that’s no excuse.”
Howie stuck a hand out, putting it on Nick’s back and rubbing soothingly. “We all do that, Nick. Even me. He’s just such a strong, self-sufficient guy, and he’s been doing so well that we just all forget sometimes that he’s, he’s sick.”
Irritation filled Brian. He stared at the two of them, unable to believe their words. Before he could stop himself he asked “You think he’s doing well? That since he’s so ‘strong’ and doesn’t talk about it that it means he’s doing better? There is no better for him. It’s maintained, but it will never be better. He’ll live with this always.”
“We know, Bri.” Howie said sadly.
“No, you think you do.” The temper in Brian’s voice had his friends’ eyes snapping to him. But he had reached a breaking point on this and couldn’t control his words. He did, however, manage to keep his voice pitched low. “None of you have really stopped and thought about it. You let him act strong and ignore the times he’s sick if you can and just live in this fantasy world where AJ’s healthy. Hell, you guys can’t even say it. He’s HIV positive. That means that he’ll never be ‘better’ for the rest of his life. This,” He gestured angrily to the bed. “This can happen at any time. All it takes is one bug that our bodies fight off normally and it can slip into his system and make him sick.”
Nick opened his mouth as if to say something, but Brian was on a roll and bowled right over him. He had been aching to say this all for so long now.
“You guys go from treating him like he’s glass to pretending that he’s perfectly healthy. When he’s sick you either ignore it or you try to smother him, neither of which he wants. He’s your friend. Treat him like it! Be there for him if he needs you. But don’t treat him differently. Don’t hide and pretend and then turn around and act so over protective. He’s still a human being, and he’s still our AJ. Stop and think about the AJ you’ve known for years and how he would want to be treated.”
The two men looked flabbergasted. They had never expected Brian to go off on them like that. It was not usual for Brian to get this defensive. Usually it was AJ who was overprotective of Brian, not the other way around. No one really had to be protective of AJ. He always was good at standing up for himself.
But Brian had seen AJ at weak moments like this one. He had been the one in the hotel rooms with AJ when he was hurt by his friends’ denial. When he was sick or miserable or scared and his partner just wasn’t enough to chase the fear away. At times like that a person doesn’t always want their boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever. Sometimes they just needed a best friend. Brian both respected and understood that. There were still times he went to Nick with things before he went to AJ.
A soft voice interrupted his thoughts. “You’re right.” It was Howie who spoke, and shame was bright on his face. “You’re totally right. God, I bet he’s been pretty pissed with us.”
“A little.” Brian admitted. His tension eased at the look on Howie’s face. He could see that he understood. Hadn’t just been listening, but had understood it all as well. “He’ll get over it, though. That’s just the way he is.”
“Yeah, after sulking for a bit.” Nick teased lightly. It was there in his face too, the understanding. Brian’s heart felt light. Maybe something good had come out of this crappy situation.
A raspy voice caught all their attention. “I don’t sulk.” AJ wheezed out. Three sets of eyes turned toward him. He still looked like he was sleeping; eyes closed, face relaxed. But a corner of his mouth was quirked upwards.
Brian couldn’t resist lightly squeezing the hand that was in his. “You totally sulk, lover, and you know it. But that’s ok. We love you anyways.”
Those beautiful eyes opened and locked on to Brian, humor bright in their depths. “At least I don’t pout like you do.”
“Me, pout? I do not!”
Bringing a hand up, AJ traced a finger over Brian’s lips. “You do. But it’s sexy, so I don’t mind. I like being able to kiss it away.” He whispered. Brian caught AJ’s hand with his and cradled it to his face for a moment. It was torture to see AJ feeling this way and to know there was nothing he could do for him. But he loved when AJ turned sweet on him.
A voice from the doorway interrupted their quiet moment. “I see he’s still awake over there. You boys keeping him up?” Dr. Shannon asked as she strode into the room. One look at her face had Brian tensing. There was something there, something he couldn’t put a name to. But it worried him.
AJ must have seen it too. He brought his free hand up to move the mask a little so that his voice would be louder. “What’s wrong?”
“Put your mask back on, AJ.” She warned him as she came close. “You need the oxygen.”
Stubborn as always, AJ continued to hold it where it was. “What is wrong?”
Sighing, Dr. Shannon sat on the stool near his bed and held her chart on her knees. She had come to know these two and understand the way that they worked .When you worked this closely with a patient you started to know them. In AJ’s face she could see that he wasn’t going to do anything until she told him what she had found. In Brian’s face was the same determination, tempered with worry.
“We ran the usual tests with your blood as well as new ones to test the pneumonia. I was a little worried about how tired you’ve been lately, and you know that I don’t like how strong some of your medications side effects are sticking around. So I tested your CD4 levels and your viral load.”
The hand that had been cuppings Brian’s face slowly slid down. Brian kept a tight grip on it, anchoring AJ to him. The knowledge of what was coming was running through the both of them. Part of Brian was terrified, while the other part stayed calm. They had known this could happen.
“Your CD4 count is down to 275 right now. That’s a drop from the 350 you had been at before. Your viral load has risen as well.” She dropped the first bomb on them. AJ’s eyes slid closed, but otherwise he stayed totally motionless. They were both thinking the same thing. It wasn’t below 200. Once it got there, HIV became AIDS. At least they weren’t there yet.
Now came the next part. “This means we need to change your medication around. It means more pills, more often, and most likely you’ll go through the miserable side effect period again. I hold every hope and confidence that we’ll get this under control. But once you’re released, I’ll want you back in two months to test you again. With your immune system down and changing meds, there’s a chance you’ll catch an infection easier. You can still stay at home, but I’d recommend being as careful as possible just until you adjust. Keep people out who are sick, things like that.”
“But this medication can work, right?” Brian asked her seriously. He didn’t want things sugar coated for him. Neither did AJ. They had agreed early on that they wanted all the facts right up front. It allowed them to better deal with and prepare for things.
“Yes, it can. It’ll take time to see if it does, but my hopes are high.” Rising to her feet, Dr. Shannon looked at the two men that she had come to like so much and wished that she didn’t have to be the one to tell them all these things. She wished, as she did with all her patients, that they could be healthy. “Now, I want you to rest, AJ. That’s the best healer for you right now. I’ll be back to check on you later.”
As she left the room, Brian turned his full attention to AJ. It only took him an instant to read him. AJ’s eyes were shut tight. The hand that was in Brian’s was holding tight, and his other one was clenched into the blankets. Brian could see AJ’s Adams apple bobbing as he swallowed, trying to keep his emotion under wraps.
Just as Brian was going to move, to say something, Howie stepped around to the other side of the bed. Silently he reached down, prying AJ’s hand loose from the blankets and taking it into his own. For a second AJ’s hand jerked, shocked at this touch. His eyes never opened, but he recognized the touch and clenched down on it. Nick stepped up alongside Howie and put his hand on AJ’s shoulder.
No one spoke a word. But their touches spoke volumes. Brian watched as the wall that had been between AJ and his friends slowly came down. His eyes clenched shut tighter and his jaw started to quiver under his mask. He was so close to breaking. It tore at Brian’s heart. He knew the fear that AJ was battling right now; he felt it in his own heart. This medication wasn’t working. Yes, there was more to try, but would they work any better? This failure brought home the reality of his disease even more.
A single tear escaped from AJ’s tightly shut eyes. Slowly it wound its way down his cheek. Still none of them spoke. They didn’t need to. In that moment the four of them were joined together, banding around the one as the realities of his life came crashing down to him.