This was the worst day in his entire life. Nothing had ever compared to the pain and the fear that AJ felt right at that moment. He couldn’t think, could barely breathe. Air hitched in and out of his lungs in a loud gasping, almost wheezing sound. The cell phone in his hand was clutched so tightly that it was a wonder it didn’t break. But he couldn’t think about that at the moment. All he could think about was the call he had just ended.
It wasn’t fair! It wasn’t right! Oh, God, what had he done to deserve this? Nausea rolled in his stomach. He had never touched needles in his life that weren’t tattoo needles or at a doctor’s office. But apparently a hospital could be just as dangerous as anything else these days. No, no, it wasn’t fair! It couldn’t be true. But he knew it was.
Panic kicked up a gear. They had only wanted to talk about practicalities. He couldn’t handle that right then. Not now. Not when his whole world had shattered around him and left him broken and devastated. This wasn’t fair! His whole body was shaking as his breath grew harder and harder to pull in. The world seemed to swim around him, everything blending into everything else, then swirling around.
A voice echoed somewhere in the distance. What did it matter? He couldn’t focus on it, didn’t bother to try. Nothing mattered anymore. His world was over. Done. Finished.
“AJ!” That voice was closer now, close enough that he knew who it was. Brian was calling him. Sweet, sweet Brian. His heart hurt all the more. He would never have the chance to do the things he wanted with Brian. To pursue what had started to grow between them recently. The affection that had been working its way toward love. Nothing sexual beyond a kiss or a pet, but more a dating that was charming them both.
Never would he be able to touch that body the way he wanted. To have it underneath him as they made love. He would never know the feeling of making love to someone, of connecting with a person heart to heart and body to body in the most intimate way.
“Alex!”
Those familiar hands touched him. Panic was obvious in Brian’s voice but he couldn’t speak to reassure him. Couldn’t stop his rocking and his wheezing. A part of him knew he was having a full blown panic attack. That didn’t mean that he could stop it. Everything hurt so much.
“What’s the matter with him?” Another voice now. Was that Nick?
“I don’t know! Get Howie, fast!”
Footsteps running away, back toward the studio. Another day recording in the studio. What was the point now? There was no point. It was all pointless. Life as he knew it, life as he was used to, would never be the same again.
Brian’s hands gripped his arms. His sweet voice was near AJ’s head, trying to talk to him, to get him to calm down. “AJ, Alex, breathe. Come on, breathe for me. God, what’s going on? Alex, you need to calm down before you pass out.”
Sweet Brian. How could he have been so lucky to have their time together? A thought struck AJ in his hazy mind. They hadn’t had sex yet, and he had been lamenting it. But, really, in light of all of this, it was so much for the better. The idea of what could have happened had his panic going to new levels. Oh, God!
The nausea and dizziness finally overtook him. AJ felt himself drop to his knees but he didn’t care. He braced his hands on the ground as his stomach emptied everything inside of it. Brian’s hands were on his shoulder, his back, his forehead, moving from here to there in an effort to soothe. That just made it worse. Everything that was important to him he had lost with just one phone call. One trip to the hospital.
Once his heaving was done AJ pushed to the side, away from his own vomit. He barely made it two feet, with Brian trying to help him stand the whole way, before he collapsed to the ground. His body wouldn’t stop shaking. His breathing had slowed back toward normal, but the tears came now.
Even as footsteps and voices signaled the return of Nick and Howie, he couldn’t bring himself to care. He brought his knees up to his chest, wrapped his hands around his head, and rocked as he cried right there on the back parking lot.
“AJ! What’s going on?” Howie’s voice was so full of concern. His hands were stroking over AJ, trying to add his soothing touch to Brian’s.
“I don’t know. I came out and he was just shaking and wheezing. Then he dropped down and threw up before crawling over here.” Brian was panicking and that made AJ cry all the harder. They had no idea what was going on. Would any of them stay when he told them the truth? Would they stay by him, or would he be alone?
Someone must have picked up his cellphone, was that Nick’s voice? He heard him speaking but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “Last call is local. Just a sec, let me look it up.” Silence broken only by his sobs. “Shit. It’s the hospital, guys. Last call is the hospital.”
Their touches were more insistent this time, more panicked. He couldn’t care. There was so much else in his life than their pain right now. His own pain felt as if it would break him into a million pieces. Nothing was ever going to be the same again. His life was over. Almost twenty three years old and his life was over. God, what had he done to deserve this! What was he being punished for?
Suddenly he heard the others moving back and then Brian’s arms were tight around him, lifting him and pulling him against that warm chest. He tried to move, it didn’t seem right to be there anymore. He didn’t have that right. But Brian held him close and was sitting with him on the dirty parking lot, rocking him back and forth and making soft shushing sounds. His hands were running over him, soothing even as they held him tight.
“Alex, baby, please, talk to us. Tell us what’s going on. You’re scaring me, baby. Talk to me.” Brian whispered as his tears slowed.
Words didn’t want to form in his throat. How could he tell them? But how could he not? They had to know. But he was so afraid they would leave him. They were all he had left in the world. If they left, he would die alone. Be alone.
The words tore from him, broken and barely understandable. “Last year….the hospital….my leg.” He hiccupped and curled tighter into Brian. He heard Howie and Nick squat down, and Nick’s voice asking “What’s he talking about?”
“Alex, you mean when you cut your leg and lost all that blood?” Brian asked him gently. His gentle Brian. He clutched at Brian’s shirt, not wanting to let go of him, wanting to never leave the safety of his arms. His tears were slowly fading, but the pain was still there. “Y-yes. They gave m-me blood.” He couldn’t say any more, just buried his face again and let out a gasping sob. The panic threatened to suck him back under.
No one said anything. Somehow he looked up at them, trying to see through his watery eyes. No one understood. He would have to say the words. Words that had condemned him. Words that the doctor had told him that consigned him to hell. Words that had taken his entire life and destroyed it. “The blood they gave me was t-t-tainted.” He stammered out.
Comprehension was dawning on Howie’s face, but Nick still looked clueless. He couldn’t bring himself to look up at Brian, who had stopped rocking.
Looking at his hands, AJ Mclean said the words that had shattered his world, and were about to destroy the world of his friends. “I have AIDS.”