Everything in Brian’s world froze over. That one word seemed to be the only thing he could hear, echoing in his mind, straight down to his soul. AIDS. AJ had AIDS. Sweet God. A prayer rose in his mind, sent heavenward. A prayer he knew in his heart could never be answered. Please, God, don’t let this be true. Let the doctors be wrong. Don’t you take him from me.
“Is it full blown AIDS or is it still at the HIV stage?” Howie asked their friend. His face was a mask of shock and pain, and his voice was low and so full of emotion that it almost hurt. Brian could see tears standing in Howie’s eyes.
Against Brian’s chest there was another sniffle. A tremor ran through AJ’s small frame that shook him from head to toe. That pulled Brian back out of his own pain and to the present moment. Right now he couldn’t let himself break down the way that he wanted to. Not while the person he was falling in love with was in his arms, quivering and crying with his fear.
“They said it’s still HIV right now. I-I need to get in and get my medications started and have a few more tests.”
AJ’s voice was muffled against Brian’s chest and his own hands. That seemed to shake Howie and Nick even more. No matter what, AJ had always been a pillar of strength among them. A tough spirit. Things shook him, but never for long. He was more likely to either respond to something with anger or to shut himself off somewhere for a while.
But this…this shaking and crying being that was curled into Brian as if he was the final salvation? None of them had seen AJ like this before. That alone was terrifying. Soothingly Brian started to rock again.
“How soon do you need to go in?” It was Howie who asked it. Howie seemed the only one out of them to have a voice.
“They want me in today. Now. Apparently I need to start right away.” The sobs had tapered off but in their place there seemed to be a flat tone to AJ’s words. Hearing it, Brian reacted instinctively. He shifted his body enough that he could stand up. Doing so loosened AJ out of his grip. It broke Brian’s heart to see AJ’s eyes flash up to him, and all the pain he felt was in there. Fear that Brian was walking away from him, fear of what he’d been told, pain that this was happening to him.
Gently Brian bent down and lifted the younger man into his arms. He knew enough to recognize that AJ was in shock. “I’ll drive you, Alex.” He told his friend, this man who made his heart swell. “We’ll get down there and get it taken care of.”
“We’ll come with you.” Howie said supportively. Still silent, Nick rose with him and nodded.
Brian felt AJ curl in closer to him. Slowly he set out for his car. Over his shoulder he looked at Howie briefly. “Call Kevin.” He mouthed to him. Kevin hadn’t been at the studio with them that day because he’d had a sore throat that made it hard to talk, let alone sing. But this was something he was going to want to know. Hell, it was something he needed to know.
With infinite care Brian loaded AJ into the passenger seat of his car. He even buckled him after seeing that AJ was still too shocked to do anything. Then, as his friends piled into the backseat, Brian went around to the front and climbed in behind the wheel. Quietly they set off for the hospital.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
To AJ it all seemed as if it happened like a dream. One minute he was curled against Brian’s chest, breaking down into a million pieces, and the next he was in the car and traveling and this cold kind of calm seemed to have settled over him. He paid no attention to the car ride, or when they arrived and he was escorted inside. Vaguely he noticed that Brian had an arm around his waist, helping him to walk.
The only thing that finally brought his attention back was when they tried to take him out of Brian’s embrace. He felt Brian sliding away from him and panicked slightly. No! He couldn’t go back there on his own. There was no way he could go back on his own. “Bri…” He knew his voice sounded like a plea but he didn’t care. That’s what it was.
There was no hesitation on Brian’s face as he stepped back up, his arm sliding back around AJ’s waist. “I’ve got you, Alex.” He whispered in his ear. Even though they had only been starting to date, just barely calling one another boyfriends, there was no one that AJ wanted with him more right then. He clung gratefully to Brian’s side as they were escorted to a room.
Unlike most hospital visits there was no wait for the doctor this time. Almost the instant the nurse brought them in the doctor came into the room. She was a sweet looking woman with a smile to her eyes, and lines around those eyes that showed exactly how much she did smile. Her light brown hair was pulled back in a practical braid. She looked around the age that she could have been either of theirs mother.
“Good to see you got in here fast, Mr. Mclean.” The woman. She walked over and shook AJ’s hand, giving him a wide smile, before turning to Brian and offering him her hand. “Hello, I’m Dr. Shannon. Would you be the significant other?”
The blunt way she spoke disarmed Brian, but only for a second. Then he found himself smiling and shaking her hand. “That’d be me. My names Brian.”
“Well, Brian, I’m glad to see you here. This stuff is so much easier to deal with if you have a good support system around you. I’m glad to see you’ll take an interest in being here to learn about your boyfriend’s medication and treatment.”
Rolling one of the stools over, Dr. Shannon perched on it and placed her chart on her knees. She looked AJ square in the eye, something that he respected. It gave him another focus beyond this layer of shock.
“Now, Mr. Mclean, just to recap things for you and better explain them. We tested your CD4 level, which is what HIV uses to gain entry into host T-cells. The standard level for a person is 500 to 1200. Treatment is recommended to be started when a person’s CD4 levels reach about 350. Right now yours is sitting at 330. We also test the viral load, which shows us how prominent the HIV virus is inside of your system. Right now you’re on the high scale of that. What all of this means is that we need to start you on a regimen right away to get things under control. You’ve gone a year since you’ve been infected, and that makes it important that we work hard to get you under control. You’re very lucky you aren’t sicker than you are. That’s good, though. It means your body is strong and is fighting this.”
AJ felt as if his mind was reeling. CD4 levels? Viral load? It all seemed so hard to process. But he knew this was the most important thing he would ever do in his life. There was no time to sit here and panic. He had to try to take care of business. “What, um, what is it I need to do?”
“Well, I’d like to start you on a HAART regimen. What that stands for is highly active antiretroviral therapy. What this consists of is two NRTIs combined with an NNRTI. NRTI stands for nucleotide reverse transcriptase inhibitors.NRTIs interfere with the action of an HIV protein called reverse transcriptase, which the virus needs to make new copies of itself. The NNRTI, which is non- nucleotide reverse transcriptase inhibitors, stop HIV from replicating within cells by inhibiting the reverse transcriptase protein. I know this probably sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo to you.”
To be honest, AJ thought that it did a little bit. But he filed it all away in his brain. He had a bad feeling that before too long it would all become so much a part of his life that he would wish for the days he hadn’t understood. “So I’ll basically end up taking three pills? This is going to do what for me? I know that…all of this…isn’t curable.”
Her eyes were full of sympathy when she shook her head. “No, I’m afraid it’s not. But by taking these medications, as well as continuously getting your CD4 and viral load tested, we should be able to maintain it. You’ll be able to live a normal, healthy life, so long as the medications do their job.”
It was Brian who asked the question that AJ was thinking. “If they don’t?”
“Then we try a new regimen. Though there’s no cure for HIV or AIDS, we have come far in maintenance. It’s not an immediate death sentence anymore. Many people live long, healthy lives, and yes, even sexual lives. Being HIV does not mean that you have to give up all forms of intimacy.” She told them. AJ found himself staring at her, surprise coloring his expression. Seeing it, Dr. Shannon chuckled. “There are doctors who will tell you to abstain. But two people in a relationship such as you two, I feel you need the facts, not a lecture.”
“We haven’t, I meant we aren’t…” AJ stumbled over his words, cursing himself. He was never this jittery when he spoke! Hell, or in his thoughts either. He could barely manage to organize his thoughts into a straight line so that they could come out of his mouth.
Dr. Shannon nodded and leaned back a little against the wall. “That means that he doesn’t need tested yet. But if you two make the decision to engage in sexual activity then you need to take precautions. Condoms are a necessity, even for oral sex. No rough sex that might cause tearing or bleeding, either. If you care for the condoms properly, there shouldn’t be any reason they should tear. Check the expiration dates on them so that you know they’re still good. Using water based lubrication, not any other kind and especially not lotion, will help as well. The others can actually damage the latex in a condom so that it will break.”
There was a slight flush to Brian’s cheeks that AJ found endearing. But he was listening to everything Dr. Shannon was saying, and he still stayed with his arm around AJ’s waist. It was the most wonderful thing that anyone had ever done for him. AJ knew that so many people would have gone running for the hills by now. But Brian was still beside him. It amazed him even more when Brian pushed aside his embarrassment to start to ask questions.
“During oral sex is he the only one that would need a condom on?”
“Yes, strictly speaking. But for anal sex, no matter which one is, giving or receiving we’ll say, both parties need to be wearing one.”
Brian nodded, understanding the reasoning for that. “Are there any other safeguards that we should take?”
“Just keep an eye out for open wounds on either one of you. If one of you has a cut or sore on your lip or mouth I would refrain from kissing or oral sex until it’s healed. Don’t come into contact with his blood if you have an open wound on your body. Things like that. With the right care, the two of you can have a happy, healthy relationship. But we recommend that you come in once every six months for the HIV test if this is what you choose to do.”
Again Brian nodded. He looked over and AJ, and AJ found himself still held speechless. There was so much emotion in Brian’s eyes. That emotion had been growing between them lately, but he had thought for sure that this would change it all. Apparently he was wrong. “I’m sure.” Brian said softly. The words were not only for the doctor’s benefit, but for AJ’s as well.
For just a moment AJ forgot that the doctor was in the room. “I can’t put you at risk, Brian. If you got sick because of me, it would kill me.”
A sweet smile curved Brian’s lips, a reminder to AJ as to why he was falling in love with this man. “You heard the doctor. Yes, the risk is there if a condom breaks, or if we aren’t careful. But I intend to be careful, and I trust you to be. If we do what we need to, I won’t get sick.”
“This is so much for you to take on. So much risk, just for me.”
Brian moved his hand from AJ’s waist so that he could bring both hands up and cup his face. The two had totally forgotten that the doctor was there by then. “Alexander James, if you haven’t figured out by now that I’m in love with you then you’re insane. You’ve been taking it so slow with me, and I liked the courting, but I’ve been waiting for you to take it up a level. This isn’t going to stop me. I love you, and to me the risk is worth being with the person that I love.”
Tears built in the back of AJ’s eyes. Unbelievably he found himself letting out a short chuckle. “You tell me you love me for the first damn time as I’m crying on a hospital table having found out I have HIV?” He shook his head and both Brian and Dr. Shannon laughed lightly. “Boy, I don’t know which of us is worse. You for doing it, or me for thinking there were no more perfect words I’ve ever heard. I love you too, Brian. If you’re sure and willing that you want to deal with this…”
“I am. This is my choice, AJ. Let me make it for myself.”
How could he argue with him? Right then he wanted nothing more than to love and be loved. So he leaned in and pressed a kiss to Brian’s soft lips. “Ok. So long as you understand the risks, I’ll let it be your decision. If you ever decide you’re not comfortable, just know I’d understand.”
“Shut up, Age.” Brian teased him. Then he turned his attention back to a smiling Dr. Shannon. “Sorry about that. Our relationship has been rather random so far, so saying I love you at the hospital really kind of fits in.”
“Random?” AJ squeaked out. His teasing with Brian was actually soothing him back to normal and helping the shock wear off. Because of that, and because she was amused, Dr. Shannon allowed them to pretend to bicker. “You kissed me for the first time after hanging upside down from the pull up bar at the gym!”
“You asked me out via sticky notes, Age!”
At that one, Dr. Shannon had to laugh. “Sticky notes?” she asked them. The question was too much to pass up.
It was Brian who grinned at her, and in that grin she saw a very mischievous soul. A part of her smiled inside. She had liked Mr. Mclean when seeing him before and had hated giving him this kind of news. It made her happy to see him with someone who was so lighthearted and who was going to stand by his side without hesitation.
“Yeah. He left me sticky notes, one a day, with one letter on each of them. In order of being given to me, they spelled out ‘will you go out with me’. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, and one of the sweetest.”
AJ smacked at his arm, flushing slightly. “Let’s get back to business here, Bri. We’re here for important reasons, you know.” Shaking his head, AJ looked back at the doctor. “My apologies. Now, how soon do I need to start my medication, and I guess, well, what do I expect? I came in here cause I felt like I’d had the flu for weeks. Is this going to go away soon, or get worse?”
“Your medications are waiting downstairs at the pharmacy all ready for you to pick up. I have a schedule with them so you’ll know the times they need to be taken, and what gets taken when. It is very important to take them on schedule. If you don’t follow it precisely it could allow the HIV to become resistant to the meds we’re giving you.” She paused to make sure that he understood the seriousness of it.
When he nodded at her, she continued. “It may take a little while to get going in your system, but your flu like feeling should start to fade. However, the meds to have their own side effects. Weakness for some. Headaches and nausea are common side effects that tend to go away after the first few weeks, as well as insomnia, dizziness, diarrhea, and sometimes weight loss. I know that those seem like a lot, but they usually only last for a short while as your body adjusts and then they start to fade away. There is the chance, though, that some side effects will stick around. Some are also part of the virus itself.”
She pulled some papers off of her clip board, handing them to AJ. “This is a handout to help you find ways to combat the side effects. Nausea is a common one that tends to lead to weight loss because people find themselves eating less, but a healthy diet is critical to your medication. If you’re a smoker, you need to quit. Your lifestyle needs to adapt to your life, now. First and foremost you need to do anything you can to keep your body in shape. That means eating right, exercising, and taking good physical and mental care of yourself.”
After giving them more papers to read over, Dr. Shannon rose and shook their hands again. “Set up an appointment at the desk on your way out for one month from now and don’t forget to pick up your medicine. We’ll check your levels again and make sure that everything is going the way that it should. After that we’ll check you again in three months. If any of those serious symptoms from the sheet pop up, come in right away. If there’s anything that seems to worry you, do not hesitate to come in. Until we get you going steady on your meds we need to be ultra-careful.”
“Thank you, Ma’am, very much.” AJ said to her as he stood up. With a smile, Dr. Shannon left the room.