When the evening rolled around it came time to load onto the bus and travel to the next city. AJ had his bags packed, sitting on the ground on either side of him in the parking garage as he waited for the road manager to hand out bus assignments. He was the first one down here, something he had intentionally planned. If he could get in his bus and lay down, he could get headphones on and try to drift off before anyone got on and tried to pull him into conversation. The last thing he was in the mood for was to talk to someone.<?xml:namespace prefix = o />
So when the road manager pointed to one of the two busses, AJ wasted no time in gathering his stuff and tossing it in the underneath storage and then moving onto the bus with his carry on duffel bag. Immediately he moved to the bunks. This bus was made to carry the whole group of them if needed so it had six bunks, the bottom two practically level with the floor.
It was one of the bottom ones that AJ claimed. He hoped the vibrations under his head would help drown out whoever he got stuck riding with. After extracting his Discman, he slid the duffel bag in and used it like a pillow, stretching his body out and resting his head on it. He closed the curtain, cutting him off from all light. This was perfect. It was exactly what he wanted. Darkness and seclusion.
If anyone else climbed onto the bus, he had no idea. His music played in his ears, lulling his body down into the sleep it so desperately needed. Then the bus turned on and the vibration dimmed any outside noise even more.
He lay there, staring at the ceiling of his bunk while the sound of ‘Brand New’ played in his ears. The music was edgy enough, just a hint on the angry side, that it worked to keep him from settling down into depression.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After watching Brian and Ashley climb onto their bus, Howie shook his head and sighed before climbing onto his own bus. He was running behind as it was, having spent some time knocking on AJ’s door, thinking he was still in there. No one had seen him since they’d returned to the hotel earlier. It was hard for Howie to stay back and try not to worry about AJ. He knew that AJ wouldn’t want him to worry but he couldn’t help it.
But he’d be able to pin him down now. They had quite a long bus ride ahead of them and AJ wouldn’t be able to escape him here. Howie was going to try to get AJ to talk, maybe get him to eat something. He couldn’t remember seeing AJ eat anything before or after the last show or the interview, and the final bill said he hadn’t ordered anything from room service. Well, that kid wasn’t going to get away with starving himself.
Fully set to lecture, Howie marched determinedly up the bus stairs. The sight that met him floored him. Wait….what? What the hell? He stood frozen in the hall, mouth hanging open. Vaguely he heard the door shut and the bus start, but he couldn’t form words.
“D?” Nick asked curiously. “You ok?”
Kevin wore the same look that Howie did. Their eyes connected, speaking volumes without a word.
“Shit.” Kevin swore softly.
Howie dropped down onto the couch, feeling the bus move under him. “Shit is right?’
Confusion had Nick wrinkling his forehead. “What?” He demanded. “What’s going on?”
God! Howie literally felt how white his face had become. He alone, out of all of them here, knew the full extent of AJ’s relationship with Brian. All the details. But even without those details, this was bad. Very, very bad. “I thought AJ was riding this bus.” Howie finally managed to croak.
It took a second for Nick to catch up to them. When he did, his face grew just as horrified as theirs. “Oh my God.” He breathed out. “You mean he’s over there with Brian and Ash?”
The three friends stared at one another, knowing there was nothing they could do and yet aching for the two men riding on the other bus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laughter bubbled up from Brian’s throat as he held his wife close. God above but it felt good to have her in his arms. Not as good as other people that little voice in the back of his mind nagged him. He shoved that voice away. It kept trying to come back, the same as it had all afternoon. So he did the only thing he could to silence it. He kissed Ashley.
When they pulled back, her eyes sparkled up at him. “I love you so much, Brian Littrell.” She said softly, one of her hands coming up to stroke his cheek.
He looked down into her eyes, seeing all that love looking up at him and all the trust in the world. “I love you too, Ashley Littrell.” He answered.
A coy look came into her eyes, as well as humor and passion. “You know, it looks like they gave us the bus to ourselves.” She whispered, leaning in close. Her smile was hesitant, still just a tad shy, but it held lust at the edges. “I think we should take advantage of it.”
Any other man on the earth would have been ready right then and there just by hearing the invitation in her words. It shamed Brian that his body didn’t seem to twitch. Was this going to be taken from him too? Was he going to lose the ability to make love to his wife because of all this bull shit going on? Because he’d fucked up? Well he’d be damned if he’d let that happen!
To answer her question, he bent and swept her up in his arms, kissing her with all the passion he could muster. She met him, passion for passion, letting him carry her down the hall. Brian opened up the curtains of one of the middle bunks and laid her inside of it. The only thing he shed was his shoes before he climbed in after her, pulling the curtain shut. There, that gave them privacy from the driver.
As soon as he was stretched out with her she was framing his face with her hands and pulling him back down for another kiss. There was just enough room in the bunk for Brian to stretch out over top of her. Thank God, his body was starting to wake. So long as he didn’t think, didn’t allow himself anything but to feel, his body did just fine.
“You’re so beautiful.” He whispered to her. One of his hands crept down, teasing at the edge of her skirt. He paused long enough to be thankful that she wore a skirt so they didn’t have to maneuver off a pair of jeans. Then he slid that hand up, teasing her, making her gasp and throw her head back into the bed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sudden shadow, followed by a thump, broke through AJ’s little bubble of privacy. He sighed, thinking that someone was going to open the curtain soon and intrude on his solitude. That was the last thing he wanted. Could Howie, at least, understand that? But most likely it would be his luck that he wouldn’t be riding with Howie. He’d be riding with Nick or something. It wasn’t that Nick wasn’t a good kid; he was! AJ really enjoyed him. But not right now. Not when he felt this way.
Still, no matter who it was out there, he had a better chance of being left alone if he just made an appearance and let them say their piece. Then he could retreat back here to the safety and solitude of his bunk and his headphones. That was easy enough. Just a couple minutes.
Frustration had him pausing his music and yanking his headphones off his head. He had better get it done and over with, then. If he didn’t then he’d just get more pissed when one of them came down here and disturbed him.
Just as he reached to grab the curtain, a sound reached his ears. What the hell? He froze completely, listening. There it was again. His heart recognized that sound before his brain registered it. Finally, though, his brain caught up with the rest of him. All of it hit him like a fist straight to the gut. His eyes slid closed and he had to bite his lip to keep from making a sound.
That was Brian, making that sound. Brian moaning.
Deep laughter and light giggles came from above AJ, followed by sounds that were unmistakable. AJ found that he couldn’t move. He could barely breathe. His brain screamed at him to put his headphones back on. To turn them up and tune those sounds out. But he couldn’t seem to make himself do it. It was like his body had turned to stone.
As the sounds grew louder, the passion in the bunk directly above him getting higher and higher, AJ lay in his bottom bunk, eyes closed, and tears streaming down his cheeks. He listened to the sounds of passion that Brian made; sounds he had once made for him. He listened to Brian whisper soft words in Ashley’s ear, his voice just a low murmur.
He couldn’t stop himself from listening as Brian’s breathing quickened, as the force of the thumping above him grew louder and louder. A sob caught in his throat when he heard Brian reach that final climax.
There was a few moments of panting as the two got their air back. Then Brian’s voice, that deep twang it always got after the passion was spent, echoed down to him. “I missed you, Ash. I’m glad you’re here.”
“I’m glad I came too, honey. I always like seeing you. The rest of the guys, too. I enjoy their company.”
“They like you too.”
There was a soft pause, then “Are you sure?”
Blankets rustled and AJ imagined Brian shifting a little to look down at her face. He always wanted to look at someone’s eyes when the topic grew serious. AJ could almost perfectly picture the little crease that would be between his eyes right then. “Has someone said or done something to make you feel like they don’t like you, Ash?”
“No, no!” She was quick to reassure. “No one’s been rude, not at all. Nothing like that.”
“Well, what did you mean then?”
“It’s just…well.” Another pause, followed by a soft sigh. “Howie seemed a little more distracted today when he said hi to me and such, but I didn’t take that offensively. I was actually going to ask you if everything was ok with him.”
Another shuffle; Brian settling down, probably. “Oh. Yeah, he’s ok, honey. Just been worrying about some things lately. It’s not you, so don’t worry about it.”
“Oh, I know, Bri. But, well, when we left I heard him at the desk, asking about the room charges. He was asking about AJ’s room. When the guy told him that there hadn’t been any extra charges, Howie started cursing up a streak.”
Silence. Mentally, AJ cursed Howie. Checking up on him, was he? Well, so what if he hadn’t ordered room service at this hotel? Wasn’t a crime, was it?
Ashley’s voice cut into his thoughts again. “An when I arrived, all you guys had come in together. But after you and I said hello, I noticed that AJ had disappeared. I just kind of got the impression he was avoiding me today. Then, you know, we came out to the busses and I could hear the others looking for him, but no one was finding him. I guess he was hiding out. Did I do something to him?”
That had Brian moving quickly. “Oh, no honey! No!” He reassured her. There was the sound of kissing. “It’s nothing you did, I promise.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive. AJ’s just hiding a little right now. He’ll get over it. But it’s not because of you.”
“Is everything ok with him?”
It was obvious by Brian’s tone that this wasn’t a topic he wanted to pursue. But it was equally obvious that Ashley wasn’t going to let it go. Part of AJ was flattered by that; the woman barely knew him but she was concerned for him. The other part of him dreaded hearing Brian’s answers to her questions.
Brian sighed again. “He’s fine. He’s confused right now about some things and he’s hurting a little, but he’ll be better in the long run for it.”
“Oh, no, his girlfriend broke up with him, didn’t she? I knew he had a girlfriend!”
Apparently Brian thought this was a safe way to play it. “Yeah, yeah she did. She hadn’t really loved him. She’d just used him to keep her warm on those nights she was lonely and away from home.” His voice drifted off just a little. “She used him, but she never really cared about him. He was just there and willing. That was it.”
Jesus. He had thought the pain had been intense before. He had thought his heart had already broken; that there was nothing left in him to destroy. How wrong he was. AJ felt what was left of his heart shatter. He fisted his hands in the bedding on either side of him, squeezing his eyes shut to try and hold in the anguish that threatened to leak out of him.
“Oh, how horrible!” Ashley gasped out. “That poor man.”
There was the sound of more shuffling and then Brian’s voice, low in a way that AJ recognized. “I don’t want to talk about him right now. Not while we’ve got this precious alone time.”
As AJ lay in his bunk, he listened as the man he loved with all of his shattered heart made love to his wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the busses arrived at the hotel, Howie was out the door as quickly as possible. He’d been worrying the entire time about AJ and Brian. Now that they were here, he had to make sure his friends were ok. He had to make sure AJ was ok.
Brian and Ashley had just got off the bus and were moving to grab their stuff when Howie reached them. “Hey, D.” Brian said with a smile. Behind him, Ashley moved away to grab one of her bags from the bus storage.
“Hey, Bri.” Howie said. Well, thank god, Brian looked ok. Maybe he’d worried for nothing. If Brian looked that ok, then AJ had to be ok, right? “Age still on the bus?”
It looked as if someone had struck Brian across the face. “What?” he asked hoarsely.
A horrible, sinking feeling filled Howie’s stomach. He stared into Brian’s eyes, seeing the utter shock there. “I asked if Age was still on the bus.” He repeated slowly.
Horror replaced the shock on Brian’s face and in his eyes. He stuck one hand out, bracing himself against the bus. “Sweet Jesus.” He whispered brokenly. “Oh, sweet God.” Brian’s eyes lifted, watching as the driver disembarked the bus, leaving the doors open, but no one else came off. “You’re sure?” he finally asked Howie.
“He wasn’t on our bus.” Howie was terrified to ask what had happened. The anguish on Brian’s face and in his voice was enough to keep Howie frozen.
Right then was when Ashley joined them. She stepped up, sliding her arm around Brian’s waist. “Hey, Howie.” She said politely, a smile on her face. Almost instantly Brian straightened, trying to compose himself. But then he did the very last thing that Howie would have ever thought he’d do. He looked down at his wife and told her “Honey, Howie was coming to let me know about some papers I need to sign, so I’m going to take them into the bus and take care of them before I head up to the hotel. It’s quiet out here and I need to read them through before I come up. Would you mind going with D and getting our key for our room? I’ll come find you as soon as I’m done.”
“Of course.” She stretched up on her toes to kiss him, one of her hands running fondly down his cheek. “You always have had to do your paperwork in as much silence as possible. I’ll text you our room number, so just come on up when you’re ready, honey.”
Brian shot Howie one pleading look while Ashley wasn’t looking. For a moment Howie thought about resisting. But the way that Brian had looked kept playing in his brain. Maybe it would be best to let him clean up his own mess, whatever that mess was. Maybe.
Slightly uneasy, Howie nevertheless smiled at Ashley and offered to take some of the bags from her. “Let me escort you, my dear.” He teased her lightly. Her smile back was bright and cheerful. Together, the two left the busses behind. They left behind two friends, one of which wasted no time in darting on the bus he had just exited and closing the doors behind him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even after the bus stopped moving, AJ stay lying on his bunk. He couldn’t seem to feel his limbs. It was as if the pain in his heart was so intense that the rest of his body had gone numb. The tears continued to flow. There was no stopping those, either. For hours he had laid there, listening to the couple in the bunk above him as they made love, time and time again. For only a short time had they taken a break to nap. Then they’d been back at it again, loving one another.
Sobs wanted to tear past AJ’s lips. He wanted so badly to just let go and cry. But he was terrified that when he finally did, he wouldn’t be able to stop. He’d end up crying and crying until he simply shattered. So the screams and the wails were held inside, locked deep in his heart as he fought for control. That was important. He had to find some kind of control so he could exit the bus and make it to his hotel room before people started hunting for him.
Footsteps sounded from the front of the bus, rushing up the stairs it sounded like. There was another sound, one AJ didn’t recognize. He didn't care. The only person who would come running to look for him would be Howie. Out of them all, if it had to be anyone, AJ was thankful it was Howie. Around him AJ could break just a little, enough to cry out some of this pain. Howie would help him afterwards. Without asking questions, Howie would get him to his room with minimal fuss.
When a hand grabbed his curtain and yanked it back, AJ had thought he was prepared for what would happen. He could almost predict what Howie was going to say. So when the voice spoke, it shocked him enough that his eyes flung open and his head turned to look.
“Sweet fucking Jesus, he was right!”
There, kneeling on the floor by the edge of the bunk, was none other than Brian. Equal parts of pain and shame arrowed through AJ. He hadn’t wanted Brian to ever know that he had been here. The agony demanded he close his eyes and try to hide. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to look away from the horrified expression on Brian’s beautiful face. To his further shame, AJ realized that tears were still pouring down his cheeks.
Brian’s hand reached out, hesitating at the edge of the bunk. “Alex…”
That did it. A soft whimper slid past AJ’s lips. He rolled his body, curling to face the back of the bunk, putting his back to Brian. His arms crossed over his chest, hands gripping his shoulders, trying to hold the pain inside. Trying to keep Brian from seeing it. He’d promised he wouldn’t make a scene. He’d promised he wouldn’t beg or make a fuss about this whole thing. But, oh God, that had been before he’d had to listen to Brian making love to his wife off and on for hours. That had been before he’d had to hear Brian’s explanation to Ashley about why AJ was hiding.
“Alex,” That beautiful voice again, low with pain. “I didn’t know you were here. I swear to God, I didn’t know.”
Somehow AJ managed to force down the ball in his throat enough to say “Go away, Brian. I’m fine. Go away.”
“I’m so sorry, Alex. So, so sorry.”
“Go away.” AJ whispered hoarsely. He didn’t know how long he could lie here, listening to Brian apologize.
It wasn’t working. Brian’s hand was suddenly touching him, the gesture kind, and AJ snapped. He couldn’t have Brian be kind to him right now. That, he would never be able to withstand. So he spun around and pushed Brian away, hands and legs frantically waving as he tried to make sure Brian got the hell out of his bunk. “Go away, go away!” he shouted.
His hands connected with something solid and he pushed, but it refused to budge. No, instead it came closer. He fought, pushing and hitting, kicking. Slowly but surely Brian made his way into the bunk despite it all. He gathered AJ into his arms, heedless of the blows that were dealt. It sent AJ’s panic level even higher. He couldn’t do this.
Force wasn’t working. Brian was stronger than him and could, obviously, overpower him. So AJ tried reason. With the last bit of his control he tried to reason with Brian. “Please, Brian, just leave me here. Go away. I’ll be fine later, but I can’t have you here right now. I can’t have you being nice to me. Not right now.”
“Too bad, AJ. I caused this. I’m here to take care of it.” The arms around AJ curled tighter, bringing AJ even closer. It was both Heaven and Hell to be in Brian’s arms again. To feel his strength, his warmth. Be surrounded by that familiar scent.
Though he knew it was wrong, AJ couldn’t resist burying his face against Brian’s chest. Snuggling in as close as he could into those warm arms. Just to be back in Brian’s arms again was almost enough to take the pain down to a more manageable level. “Just go.” He whispered against Brian’s shirt. “There’s nothing you can do. I’m not your problem anymore. Just…go.”
“Not my problem? Jesus, Alex. We’re still friends.” Brian swore into his hair. “You think I could know that I hurt you like this and not try to fix it? Don’t you think I realize exactly how much you’re hurting?”
“Don’t you realize I can’t have you being nice to me?”
The bunk was starting to feel claustrophobic. Using the element of surprise, AJ rolled their bodies so that he was by the curtain. Then he pushed away from Brian, rising quickly to his feet. His brain cleared a little, being out of Brian’s arms.
To his credit, Brian moved fast, coming up out of the bunk only seconds behind AJ. “What am I supposed to do, AJ?” he demanded as soon as he reached his feet. “Just leave you lying in there?”
“Yes.” AJ said hoarsely.
“Shit!” Brian swore. He spun, raking a hand through his hair. “Shit, AJ. Why didn’t you let us know you were on the bus?”
AJ answered automatically; anything, to get Brian to leave him alone quicker. Please, dear God, let Brian leave him alone. “It was too late. By the time I realized you guys were here you were already going at it in the bunk above my head.” And oh, how that had hurt to hear. All those familiar sounds that Brian had made. Sounds that, at one time, he had made under AJ’s hands.
“Well, why didn’t you say something, let us know you were down there?”
How to explain that? How could he put into words the hurt that had turned his body numb? Was there any way to describe the sheer agony that had taken every ounce of his effort to control? All he could manage to say to Brian was “I don’t know.”
The quietness of his tone seemed to throw Brian off. “AJ.” Brian paused, started again. “Alex, I never would have done something like that if I had known you were there. I would never intentionally hurt you that way. Please, you have to know that.”
It was too much for AJ. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t stand here and debate this with Brian. “Won’t you just get the fuck out of here?” he roared at him. He channeled his pain to a false anger, hoping it would chase Brian away. “Dammit, haven’t you done enough? Can’t you just leave me here in peace for a while?”
Instead of cowering away from him, Brian straightened his spine and his blue eyes flashed. The effect was startling and outrageously attractive. “I’m not leaving you like this, AJ. Jesus, I can see you trembling from here. I wouldn’t leave a stranger alone, hurting the way you are, let alone someone I care about.”
“How I hurt is none of your damn business.” AJ swore heatedly. He flushed at the slight break in his voice before redoubling his efforts. All he could think of was getting Brian to leave. “I’ll deal with it, the same as I have ever since you left. You didn’t give a damn then so don’t fake giving a damn now, Brian!”
Shock painted Brian’s face. “Not give a damn?” He looked as if the words mystified him. “You think I don’t give a damn? I left because I gave a damn, AJ!”
AJ snorted. “Right.” He lashed out, a defense against the pain he was feeling. But knowing that it was a defense didn’t mean he could stop it. “That’s why you told me I was a diversion. I ‘eased the feeling of being away from home’.” Breaking inside, AJ forced a sneer onto his face. “What was it you told Ashley about my fictitious girlfriend? Oh, yeah. ‘She used him, but she never really cared about him. He was just there and willing’. I get the picture Brian. I got it loud and clear. Really sounds like you gave a damn, doesn’t it?”
The only reason AJ had dared to lash out that badly was that he had been convinced it would finally chase Brian away. Whatever damage he didn’t wasn’t important right then. All that was important was getting Brian to leave before he finally broke through the last of AJ’s control. Later, AJ knew he would hurt for lashing out at Brian like this. He knew he would hate himself for the words spewing from his lips. But in that moment, self-preservation was strongest. All he knew was that Brian had to be gone before his shame was complete and he shattered right there in front of him.
He wasn’t expecting the reaction Brian had.
With a loud curse, Brian suddenly shot forward, his hand grabbing hold of the front of AJ’s shirt, pushing him backwards until he was against the wall. Then Brian was there, kissing him with all the old passion. AJ instantly lost himself in that kiss. There was so much feeling, so many things they couldn’t seem to say, that it melted his brain right then and there. He moaned against Brian’s lips, his hands coming up to hold loosely to Brian’s arms. Not to push him away, but to cling to something.
When Brian pulled back, AJ felt dazed. “You still think I don’t give a damn?” Brian snarled at him. “I care too damn much, AJ. Too much!” Those beautiful blue eyes were bright with a pain AJ hadn’t seen there before. “I left for you too, not just me. I was holding you back, not leaving you free to find someone permanent in your life.”
“Was I ever complaining about it?” AJ asked him calmly. The kiss had settled down the rough edges for him, bringing him back under control. While at the same time, it seemed to have brought Brian’s emotions more to the surface. “Did I ever once say to you, Brian Thomas Littrell, that I didn’t like anything you were doing? You took that upon yourself.”
“The thing between us wasn’t supposed to be like that! It was just supposed to be easy. To work these feelings out. But they keep coming back, stronger and stronger each time. I can’t stay away from you.” Breathing raggedly, Brian looked down at where his hand still gripped AJ’s shirt. “I try, but dammit, I can’t seem to stay away from you.”
“Who’s asking you to?”
Those four words had Brian’s head snapping up. “How the hell do you still want me?” he whispered.
This part, for AJ, was easy to answer. It was as easy as breathing. “Because you’re everything to me.” He said simply. Surprisingly, he felt himself smile as he said it. “Look, Bri, this other shit, you’re the one who freaked about it all. You’re the one who acted like the world had ended. So you hit me? Shit, all of us have hit one another at one point in time. Right?”
“Well, yeah, but…”
“No buts.” AJ interrupted. He was on a roll. This might be the only chance that he got to tell his side of things. “As for the other, well, I’ll admit that it was bad. But you keep glossing over once fact. It was my body that it happened to. If I chose to forgive you, to move on, then it’s my right. By telling me that what happened is unforgivable, you’re taking away my rights, taking away my decisions. I forgave you for that one drunken night. It’s about time you did too.”
Those words seemed to have a profound effect on Brian. His eyes snapped up to AJ’s face, wide and bright. For one single instant the shield inside of Brian dropped, letting everything he felt just flow into his eyes. The amount of emotion there staggered AJ. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe.
A muffled ringing cut into their solitude. For one instant longer they stayed frozen. Then Brian was stepping back, pulling away from AJ. His hands were shaking when he reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. “Hello?” His voice was almost steady when he answered it.
AJ watched as Brian slowly locked his feelings away. That was almost as heartbreaking as the rest of this. Suddenly cold, AJ wrapped his arms around himself, trying to get warm again. He was staring off to the side when Brian finally hung up the phone. “That was Ashley.” Brian said unnecessarily.
Biting his lip, AJ nodded. He didn’t know what to say. The moment was gone, reality had intruded and they both knew it.
With one final long, searching look, Brian turned to leave. He paused by the doors, looking back down the bus at AJ. “I owe it to Ashley to be faithful and loyal.” He said softly.
AJ lifted his chin up. “You owe it to yourself to be happy.”
After a final look, Brian opened the doors and was gone.