For the next few days it seemed to AJ that Brian avoided him like he had the plague. As much as it hurt, it didn’t surprise AJ. Not really. That day on the bus was the closest they had come to ever bringing everything between them out in to the open. It had Brian running scared. As for AJ, he retreated into himself, hiding in his room when he wasn’t required to make an appearance somewhere.<?xml:namespace prefix = o />
Howie had tried to get in there to talk to him, but AJ just ignored him. He absolutely refused to speak to Howie about what the bus ride had been like, or the conversation afterwards. Eventually the guys learned to stop asking. But they couldn’t help watching the two men and worrying about them.
To someone who didn’t know them, it probably looked like everything was normal. Ashley stayed with Brian, the two of them spending all their free time together. They all did their parts, performing at shows and putting in their appearances at random parties and interviews. No one would see the tension underneath it all unless they knew them well.
They saw the dark circles that were under AJ’s eyes whenever the sunglasses came off, which wasn’t often anymore. They saw, with growing concern, the way that AJ never seemed to make it to their dinners or lunches anymore. It worried Howie more than the rest of them because he knew AJ inside and out and knew that, when depressed, AJ tended not to eat. The others still rode the hope that AJ was eating by himself in his room, or stopping off somewhere. But as time went by, days and then a week, Howie noticed that AJ looked smaller, slightly gaunt in his features.
But their friends saw the false note to Brian’s smile. They saw the way he seemed to be trying too hard to act happy. The way his eyes would drift, when he thought no one was looking, to wherever AJ was. What no one knew was that someone else was seeing it, too. Someone else was watching the way Brian’s eyes lingered on AJ sometimes or the wistful look on his face when he’d glance at him.
Blissfully unaware that his entire world was about to be turned topsy-turvy, Brian escorted his wife back to their hotel room, smiling slightly as he shut the door. When he turned around he found the last thing he’d expected to find. Ashley stood by the patio door, arms crossed over her chest, a furious look on her face. “Ash?” he called out curiously. What on earth was going on? “Everything ok?”
“I didn’t want to believe it.” Ashley said softly. She turned her head to look at him and her eyes were bright with unshed tears. “For a long time I’ve suspected, but I didn’t want to believe.”
“Believe what?” Brian’s lips felt numb. It was hard for him to push the words out.
“That you were in love with someone else.”
Those words were like being slapped in the face. Brian stared at her, unable to deny it, unable to say anything. Sweet God, he thought. She’d known! All along she’d known he loved someone else! He tried to reorient his world, to say something, but she cut him off.
“Don’t, Brian. Don’t bother trying to deny it. Even if I hadn’t been sure, your face just now gave it away. You love someone else. A part of me has always known that. But, what I never knew, what I never even came close to suspecting…” She stepped toward him and he could see that some of her hurt was fading away, leaving anger. “…was that it would be AJ, of all people! A man!”
No. Pain flashed inside of Brian. No, oh no. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, save it!” She shrieked at him. One hand came out, gesturing furiously to the room. “Do you think I haven’t been watching the past few days? That I haven’t seen the way you look at him when no one’s looking? You watch him like there’s nothing else in the world you’d rather see. You look at him the way you’re supposed to look at me.”
“Ash…”
She waved her hand again, cutting him off this time. “No! You won’t lie to me about this. I’ve been watching for days, hoping I was wrong, hoping that maybe I was just overreacting. But then yesterday, I saw you two. I saw you run into him in the hallway last night.”
The memory of that swamped Brian for a moment. He’d been going to get ice from the ice machine and hadn’t paid any attention when he was walking. Right as AJ stepped out of the elevator, he and Brian had almost collided. For one single moment they’d stared at one another, words unable to be spoken past the silence that sat between them now. Then AJ had dropped his eyes and rushed to his room. Brian had continued on to the ice box, his heart breaking a little. He’d had no idea that anyone had seen them.
“It’s not what you think, Ash. Really, it’s not.” He tried to say. But she wasn’t having any of it. “How could you do this to me? How on earth could you do something so wrong, Brian Littrell?” she screamed, stepping back from him.
“If you would just listen to me a minute…” Trying to figure out how to fix this, Brian reached for her, taking a step in her direction. Her full armed slap had him seeing stars.
“Don’t you touch me.” She hissed at him. “Keep your dirty, cheating hands off me, you bastard.”
The words hurt more than the slap ever could. “Ashley.” It was all he could manage to say.
She swiped a hand over her face, brushing off the tears that were leaking out. “I trusted you.” Her voice had dropped down to a whisper and was fraught with heartache. “I trusted you and loved you and this is how you repay me? You can go to hell, Brian, and take that disgusting little freak with you. I’m done.”
He stood utterly frozen as she yanked off her wedding ring and threw it at him. Then she was grabbing her bag, already packed for her to leave that evening, and she was racing out the door. He could do nothing but stand there and stare after her. What right did he have to go try and get her back? She was right. Everything she had said was right.
He’d lied to her. He’d cheated on her. Worse, cheated with a man. Every bit of love and trust she’d put into him, he’d squashed. All because he couldn’t seem to make himself stay away from AJ.
God, how long was this going to ruin his life?
If only he’d stopped, long ago. If only he’d never kiss in the first place. But that once kiss had started it all. AJ was like a drug to him. No matter how much he told himself that AJ was bad for him, that he was going to destroy his life, he couldn’t seem to quit seeing him. Even when he knew it was hurting him, hurting Ashley, and hurting AJ, still he wasn’t able to completely stop.
Ashley was right. He was a bastard.
A knock came on the door. Brian suddenly sprang to life, darting toward it. Could it be Ashley, coming back? He whipped the door open, only to slump slightly when he saw Kevin on the other side. “Oh, hey Kev.”
Kevin gave him a funny look. “Gee, thanks for the warm reception. Good to see you too, coz.” He said sarcastically. It took everything Brian had to force a smile. “Sorry, Kev. Was just expecting someone else. What’s up?”
“We’re getting ready to go. The party, remember?
Party? What party? He searched his brain for a moment until it clicked. Oh, that was right. They had some shindig or another to go to tonight. What for, he couldn’t remember for the life of him, but he did remember that they all had to go. Well, fuck. He wrapped what dignity he had left around himself and drew his body up. “Yeah, ok. I’m ready.” He didn’t say where Ashley was and something on his face must have warned Kevin not to ask. Silently the two set off down the hall. Brian thought to himself that maybe going out was for the best. These parties always had alcohol and he had a feeling that tonight he was in the perfect kind of mood to get rip roaring drunk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Jesus, he’s on a tear tonight, isn’t he?” Nick said as he watched Brian order yet another drink from the bar. He and AJ stood on the sidelines of the part, chatting together as they looked around the room. AJ had been watching Brian for most of the night, unable to tear his eyes from him completely. There was something wrong with him, AJ could see it. But he had no idea what it was. Hence the reason he’d come and sought Nick’s company, hoping he’d be able to find out something.
Nick’s voice cut back into his musing. “He’s on a mission, Age. Look at him.”
Privately, AJ agreed. Never before had he seen Brian drink like this. The man wasn’t drinking for the taste, or even drinking to get drunk. He was drinking in search of oblivion. It was painful to watch. “Someone should get him home.” He finally told Nick.
His blond friend snorted. “Are you kidding me? We’ve all already tried to talk to him. He snaps and snarls and ignores us. He’s not in the mood for company tonight.”
Surprised, AJ turned to look at Nick more head on. “Well, he can’t just be left here. Anything could happen to him.”
“I don’t know what to tell you, J. We’ll leave a guard with him. Tim will make sure Bri gets home ok.” Nick clapped a hand to his shoulder, shrugging. “I’m heading back with Kevin, though. See you at the hotel, Age.”
AJ stared, watching Nick walk away. Holy shit. He couldn’t believe it. They were really just going to give Brian a guard and call it good? A million and one things could go wrong! Guards weren’t on you like glue. What if Brian got mugged somewhere? What if someone put something in his drink? Innocent as he was, he’d never know. Hell, he probably didn’t even know that he needed to watch his drink to begin with! Not that he was letting a drink sit there; no, he simply shot it down and moved on.
But what if he got hurt? Fell down somewhere and split his head open? Slipped in the bathroom?
Unknown to him, AJ’s three friends were watching and grinning as AJ finished off his own drink with one gulp and set off toward Brian. Perfect, they thought. Their plan was working perfectly. With big smiles, the three left the party. They knew that AJ would take care of Brian, just as they’d hoped he would.
AJ, on the other hand, was moving through the crowd with determination. He ignored the polite hellos that people sent his way and hoped no one got too pissed with him. Who cared, really? Damn the other guys. Good to know they’d have a guy’s back if he needed them. Just fucking leave a dude stranded here, drunk off his ass, obviously hurting about something. Didn’t they care about Brian at all?
Finally, AJ managed to reach Brian through the crowd. One look at him told AJ that Brian had had enough. He was beyond drunk. If he didn’t leave, now, he’d just end up making a fool of himself and then he’d hate himself come morning.
No matter how much it hurt to do it, AJ forced his voice to be light and cheerful. “Hey, Bri.” He called out, stepping up beside his friend. Right now Brian was what was important. The rest of their bullshit didn’t matter. Nothing else was important at the moment except for taking care of Brian. “Looks like you’re having a little party on your own over here.”
“Huh?” Brian lifted bleary eyes to lock on to AJ. He had to squint for a moment to make out who it was that was talking to him. It was easy to see when he realized who it was. “Oh! AJ, what’re you doing here?”
AJ leaned on the bar and put on his best smile. It was easier than he had thought it would be to smile. Watching a drunken Brian was kind of cute, actually. “Enjoying the party. Looks like you’re doing the same.”
Those beautiful eyes dropped down. Looking at the glass in his hand, Brian startled as if he suddenly remembered what he was doing. “’S great party.” He slurred. With a drunken grin, Brian threw back his glass and finished off the rest of his drink, signaling for another one. “Great party.” He looked around the room, confused. “Where’d e’ryone go?”
“Oh, they went back to the hotel.” AJ casually took the drink the bartender set in front of Brian, giving the man a look and a gesture to let him know that Brian was done. He took a small drink off Brian’s glass. Shit, no wonder the man was fucked up! “Jesus, Bri, you’re drinking tequila? You know how you get on this stuff. You’re more a whiskey sipping kind of guy.”
“’S good stuff, you don’ feel nothin’. Just, gone.” Brian started to chuckle, as if that was the funniest thing in the world.
God, he was shitfaced. There was no other word for it. AJ shook his head and took Brian’s shot, using it to brace himself for what he knew was coming. After setting the glass down, he reached out, taking hold of Brian’s arm. “Ok, Bri, let’s get you up, buddy.”
“Huh?” Brian looked around when AJ had him halfway up. “I don’ wanna leave.” His expression turned surly. In an instant he was going to dig his heels in and fight with everything he had. AJ could see it. He’d dealt with a drunken Brian before. To forestall the temper tantrum that he knew was brewing, he ducked under Brian’s arm, effectively getting it around his shoulders so he could help hold Brian up. “I didn’t say we were leaving, Bri. Come on now. I’ve got a surprise planned for you. We’re going to a special party, you and I.”
That calmed Brian enough for AJ to get him to the exit of the club. He gestured to the only guard remaining, using his hand to ask him to get the car. Well used to it, the guard nodded and smiled before disappearing outside.
AJ was used to this routine, though it had usually been him and Howie that had been escaping from the club together, both of them giggling drunk. This was the first time AJ had been with a drunken Brian in public, though. He maneuvered the two of them to a side exit, taking them into an alley where no reporters were at.
The slap of the cold, outside air seemed to give Brian back his voice. “A speshul party, hmm?” He slurred suggestively. The leer he gave had AJ wanting to laugh. But then Brian was swinging his body, turning to try and throw his other arm around AJ. “I wanna party with you.” The meaning behind those words was clear. So was the look in Brian’s eyes. How long had it been since he had given AJ that look? It was like a bolt of pure fire straight down to his loins.
AJ would have said something but the car chose that moment to pull up at the end of the alley. Chuckling, AJ led Brian toward the car. The guard was there, holding the door open, smothering a grin when Brian practically fell inside. AJ was grateful that the others had apparently left them the limo. They needed all the space they could for Brian. Hell, he’d be lucky if he could get him up into the seat. Not to mention that the tinted windows would give them the privacy that AJ had a feeling they would need.
“Thanks, Tim.” AJ said as he made to climb in after Brian.
Tim laughed lightly. “No problem, Mr. Mclean. Have fun back here.” He teased. AJ turned and stuck his tongue out at him, listening to Tim laugh as he shut the door. Then there was the sound of the man going around the car and climbing into the driver’s seat.