When it came time for the show that night, AJ had managed to bring himself under control. He’d hidden away in his room for the entire day just so he could have the time to mourn that broken part inside. But more than that he knew he couldn’t allow himself. He didn’t have all the free time in the world to sit and let his life get him down. He had a job to do, where millions of people counted on him to play his part and sing his lines.
So when it came time to leave for the show, he dressed with precision and care. Clothes were a statement made with your body. With that in mind, he made sure that his clothes were the usual part punk, part crazy look he was known for. Even if it didn’t match how he felt right then. It was all about image. Years being a Backstreet Boy had taught him that. The only concession he made to his mood was the dark shades and the black beanie. Those covered him enough, gave him a shield against the world, and still fit his image at the same time.
It still took a great deal of effort to force himself to walk out that hotel room door. Inside, where no one could see, he felt like he was made of glass. One wrong move and everything in him would shatter. His throat was still sore from trying to hold the sobs in so no one would hear him and his eyes were so dry now they burned.
God, how his heart hurt! The aches from his fight with Howie were nothing. What were a few bumps and bruises? Even the wound on the back of his head was nothing. When the bottom dropped out of your world, when your very heart felt like it had shattered inside of you, who cared about a few physical pains?
Why had he been so utterly stupid as to tell Howie about what had happened? If he’d wanted, he could have stopped his best friend from going through with his threat. But no, he’d given in and told Howie everything. And when you tell Howie a story, he always pesters with questions until he wrings every detail from you. So he walked away knowing as much as if he’d been there.
Stupid, stupid! Now Howie had obviously gone and spoke with Brian and fucked things up. Who cared if Brian came to his room the way he always did? Was it really that big a deal? Howie had been so up in arms about it all, like this was some huge sin. Ok, so, yeah, that one night hadn’t been good. But Brian had been drunk! And this time, this hit in the face, why did everyone seem to want to take that so out of proportion? The man had been pissed, trapped in a small space, and AJ had made the mistake of touching him. What was surprising was that Brian had slapped him and not decked him!
The damage had been done now. The words Brian had thrown at him, those hurtful things, had tore at AJ’s insides. Oh, he had seen the lies in Brian’s eyes as he’d said them. His love, his wonderful, soft-hearted man, was only saying these things because he thought he had to so that AJ would stay away. But AJ knew better. You couldn’t practically live with four other guys without getting to know them pretty well. Not to mention, when you shared someone’s bed, no matter how hard they might try to keep their distance, there was always a closeness that formed. AJ knew Brian very well. Well enough that he could almost perfectly see Brian’s thought process on this whole thing.
AJ gritted his teeth and forced those thoughts from his mind. No, no. He’d been down this route already all afternoon. There wasn’t a damn thing he could do right this moment. Nothing. He had a show to go do and that had to be the first priority.
The others were already in the hall when AJ walked out. So many emotions sprang to life inside of AJ in that one instant. His eyes glossed over Howie, his slight fat lip and the tender way he held himself, and had shame curling in his gut. It wasn’t his friend’s fault that all of this had happened, not really. If he was honest he would admit that Brian probably had already been ready to do what he’d done. Howie had just helped it along. Plus, if the roles were reversed, wouldn’t he have wanted to defend his friend as much as his friend had defended him?
Then he looked past Kevin and Nick. Oh, how he prayed that Howie hadn’t told them what was going on. He hoped they had no idea what was happening. It was bad enough to have Howie know now. But to have them know too, that would just be too much.
Last but not least he looked at Brian. That was like a fist straight to his gut. There was a quiet misery in Brian’s eyes. That beautiful blue didn’t have its usual sparkle. He was smiling, but didn’t everyone see the falseness behind that smile? Couldn’t they all see Brian’s pain written right on his face?
No one had noticed AJ yet. They were talking together, chatting near the elevators, waiting for him. Kevin was telling Brian something that made all four of them laugh. God, couldn’t they hear the false note to Brian’s laughter?
All of this tumbled around inside of AJ. So many thoughts and emotions that he felt as if he might explode with them. Yet not a bit of it showed on the outside. Nothing showed on the outside but what he wanted to be seen. He’d spent so long covering up what he felt that it was second nature now. Show time he told himself.
He brought all that practice to bear and forced his lips to curve in a grin that was more smirk than anything else. Then he started to make his way toward them. “You early birds.” He called out, startling them. There was humor in his voice that he didn’t feel. Four sets of eyes swung toward him. Playing his part, AJ let his grin grow bigger as he reached them. “I know I’m not running that late today.”
“You always run late, bone.” Nick told him, rolling his eyes.
AJ playfully elbowed him. “You have no room to talk, pretty boy.”
It was typical banter. He and Nick never could be in the same room without picking on one another. It was normal. It was expected. That last part was the whole reason that AJ did it at the moment. Everyone expected it from him. He would play his part perfectly.
Kevin moved forward and pressed the down button on the elevator. “You’re not behind today, Age.” He said when he stepped back. “You actually made it right on the dot.”
“How many times I gotta tell you, Kev? I’m just that good.”
That had them laughing. The elevator doors opened and they all piled inside. It didn’t escape AJ’s notice that Brian stayed as far from him as possible, keeping the guys between them. That hurt. Oh, how that hurt. But he’d expected no less from him.
Nick continued teasing AJ as the elevator started its downward movement. “Good isn’t the word I would have chosen.” He taunted him.
“Amazing? Spectacular? God?” AJ threw back at him. He shifted his weight, letting his body move toward Howie just a little. “You don’t have to call me those, Nick, it’s ok. I know how much you admire me. You don’t have to admit it out loud.” As he said that, AJ moved his arm, let it slide around Howie’s waist. He rested his hand gently on his best friend’s hip. Howie knew him well enough to understand what the gesture meant. To read the apology in it.
Sure enough, Howie leaned into him a little, briefly resting his head against AJ’s shoulder, putting his arm around AJ’s waist in return. Their friendship was strong enough that they could speak volumes together without saying a word. With that embrace, AJ was telling Howie how sorry he was. With the return embrace, Howie was not only accepting the apology, but offering one of his own.
Their little interaction wasn’t noticed by anyone else in the elevator. By the time the doors opened, the two were separating and Nick was laughing loudly at AJ’s last comment, firing back some retort that AJ missed. His eyes were on Brian. There’d been something that flashed in his gaze when he’d passed by them. Ok, so maybe someone had noticed his and Howie’s small embrace. Apparently Brian hadn’t liked it, either.
For the first time since Brian had come to his room, AJ actually wondered how long this would be able to last. Brian had pulled back from him before. Not like this, true, but stepping back silently and keeping himself away for days. It never lasted real long, though.
Was there a chance that Brian might come back to him in a few nights? He could survive a few nights away from Brian. It hurt, but he could do it. He’d done it before. Part of his heart tried to rise up with that thought. The other part of him didn’t want to risk hoping. If he hoped and nothing happened, it would devastate him.
Those thoughts ate at him as he was ushered outside by security. They stayed with him, keeping him quiet the entire ride to the arena.
He was so lost in this internal war, wanting to hope and scared to do so, that he never noticed that he’d just silently dropped off in his conversation with Nick. He didn’t notice the way that everyone watched him. Three of them with concern in their eyes. One, trying so hard not to be caught watching.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God, why did this have to be so hard? Why did doing the right thing have to hurt so much? Brian stared at his reflection in the mirror. He was standing in his dressing room at the arena. They’d just finished the show for the night and were supposed to be changing back into their street clothes and meeting to catch the van back to the hotel.
Brian had changed out of his show clothes, but once he was dressed he’d caught sight of his reflection in the mirror and had frozen. Was there something wrong with him? That question repeated over and over in his mind. He looked at his face, at his eyes, trying to see straight down inside of himself. Was there something inside of him that was messed up?
That was the only explanation he could come up with. Something inside of him was flawed; horribly flawed. Why else would he have hurt someone that he cared about? Not just striking him, but the incident in his hotel room. Those weren’t like him! He’d never been a violent person before! But he’d struck AJ today. Without even thinking about it, he’d slapped him. Brian wasn’t sure what was harder to live with. The hit, or the way that AJ had instantly leapt to his defense. There had been a look in AJ’s eyes that had torn at Brian, deep down inside. It was the same look he’d seen when he’d woke up that fateful morning and found out what he’d done to AJ. There had been fear in AJ’s eyes at first, fear and shame, but when they’d talked in that bathroom, AJ had changed from afraid to protective. He’d instantly defended what Brian had done.
Brian knew what he’d done. He knew there was no defense for it. Alcohol, anger, confusion, whatever options AJ gave, none of them was an excuse. He had raped a man he cared for. Then, when he’d just begun to heal from it, Brian had struck him. Add on the pain Brian knew he caused every time he’d gone to AJ’s room and left in the morning and there had to be a flaw in him to make him this way. The whole time he’d done it, he’d known what it was doing to AJ and yet he’d done it anyways. He’d known that he was cheating on his wife and still it hadn’t stopped him.
That brought his thoughts to Ashley. Look at what he was doing to her! His own wife. She hadn’t asked for a husband like this. She hadn’t signed up to be in a marriage like this. Though she may not have known the reason why, she did know that their marriage was suffering lately. How could she not? She deserved better than this. She deserved a husband who wouldn’t cheat. One who would love her and cherish her the way that she deserved.
How the hell was he going to fix this? Brian brought his hands up, running them over his face. Breaking it off with AJ had hurt both him and AJ more than Brian had realized it would. The depth of his own pain surprised him. All they’d ever done together in AJ’s room was talk and screw. How could taking away a sex buddy cause this kind of bereft feeling?
Furious with himself, Brian turned away from the mirror. He was spending too much time focusing on AJ. What he had done to him had been unforgivable. There wasn’t an apology good enough to correct it. He’d broken things off. What else was there for him to do there? Nothing. Now he needed to focus on what was important in his life. On what was right. Ashley.
She was his wife. It was time he started acting like her husband. Maybe, if he did, the rest of his life might fall into place. Maybe if he turned his attention away from AJ and to her, he might be able to bring his life back under control. He might be able to be normal again. What had been between him and AJ had been wrong to begin with. This was for the best.
Determined to do the right thing, he pulled his cell phone out as he left the arena and dialed that familiar number. It didn’t take Ashley long to pick up the phone. “Hey, honey!” She cried happily into his ear. “How’d the show go?”
“Great. It went great.” He answered, forcing himself to smile. “I miss you, though.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was nothing harder than watching those that you care about, hurt. Howie, Kevin and Nick stood in the back of the arena by the exit, watching the crowd around them and waiting for both Brian and AJ to come from the dressing rooms. All evening long they’d watched the two. Their performances had been perfect to those that didn’t know them. But to their three friends it had been easy to see the lack of sparkle that had been there.
“How long is this going to go on?” Nick murmured to them. His eyes were dark with concern. “I mean, they’re both miserable.”
Kevin sighed and shrugged. “Brian’s too stuck on Ashley and AJ, well, I don’t know what’s going on there. He’s so internal with his thoughts.”
Wryly Howie rubbed at his jaw, feeling the ache that was there. “Internal, yeah.” His dry comment had the other two chuckling. “Age is stuck on Brian. It’s obvious. But you guys don’t realize what he’s like when he cares about someone.” Here, Howie turned enough to look at them both while still keeping an eye out for his friends. “He’ll take a lot of shit from someone he loves because of the fact that he does love them. He’ll do anything, and I mean anything, to make sure that person’s happy. Even if it means not having him. If he thinks Brian will be happy with Ashley, if that’s what Brian says he wants, then AJ won’t fight for him.”
“But it’s obvious who makes Brian happy!” Nick exclaimed.
The only thing Howie could do was shrug. “Maybe to us, but not to AJ. Plus, if Bri told him that he wanted Ash, that she was who made him happy, well, AJ will just step back and let him do what he says he wants. That’s just the kind of guy he is. He won’t put himself somewhere he doesn’t feel he’s wanted.”
Just then the other two emerged from their respective changing rooms. It tore at their friends to see the way that AJ and Brian worked to walk as far away from one another as possible. Brian held a phone to his ear, talking softly and smiling as he walked. The smile on his lips wasn’t reaching his eyes though. To anyone who knew him well it was easy to see how forced that smile was.
AJ had his shades on, covering the only part of him that would betray what he was feeling. The rest of him looked totally at ease. Being in the limelight had only perfected AJ’s ability to shut off what he was feeling. Nothing showed on the outside to indicate any of the turmoil that they knew would be on the inside. He was smiling, laughing with people as he passed them, and when he reached the rest of his band mates, he was grinning at them. “Ready, gang?”
“Yeah. We were just waiting on you two.” Kindness was in Kevin’s eyes when he looked over at AJ. But only Howie saw the way AJ’s head tipped just lightly toward Brian before those small shoulders squared. “Well, let’s jet then!”
It took a few moments to get past fans and load into the van. Howie squeezed himself in the back, taking the seat next to AJ. In the middle seats sat Kevin and Nick and up at the front, right behind the driver, sat Brian. Once the door closed, Brian’s laugh seemed to echo around them. “Yeah, I know, Ash.” He said with a chuckle.
Beside him, Howie felt AJ tense up. The van started to move, pulling slowly past the fans. Brian let out another laugh from his seat. By mutual consent the three friends tried to strike up a conversation, talking about the night’s show, hoping to block out the sound of Brian’s voice. But somehow his words seemed to reach through it all to the backseat. Howie heard Brian, clear as a bell, say “So you’ll be here tomorrow, then? God, I can’t wait. I’ve missed you, Ash.”
The tension in AJ seemed to suddenly multiply. Howie felt his best friend seem to turn to stone. It broke Howie’s heart. God! He looked up at Kevin and Nick, saw the sadness in their eyes. How the hell were they going to fix their two friends?
As the van rolled down the road and Brian continued to make plans for when he’d pick Ashley up from the airport, Howie reached a hand out in the darkness and laid it on AJ’s leg. He felt AJ startle slightly, then stiffen, then suddenly melt. A moment later AJ’s hand crept up until it laid over Howie’s, his fingers curling to grasp that lifeline tightly. The two rode the rest of the way to the hotel in silence.