Another mostly sleepless night had AJ feeling on edge come morning. He took a mostly cold shower, hoping to shock his body into being alert. It seemed to help. A little. He’d spent so much of the night tossing and turning in his big bed before finally giving up and climbing out of it. After that he’d moved a chair to the window and sat there, staring out at the stars, letting the night air brush against his face while he smoked cigarette after cigarette.<?xml:namespace prefix = o />
Howie had offered to hang out once they’d arrived at the hotel after the show. Though AJ had appreciated the offer, he’d turned him down. At that moment all he had wanted was solitude. To hide out in his room away from everyone. Away from Brian.
Oh, how it hurt to hear Brian making plans with Ashley! That had been a knife in the heart. AJ knew why Brian was doing it. Maybe other people thought he was blind, but he wasn’t, especially when it came to Brian. He’d known, the whole time he and Brian had carried on this affair, he’d known that Brian cared for him. How deeply, that he wasn’t sure of. But he knew that Brian had to have some feeling for him or he never would have done what they did together. Now that Brian had broken them apart, he’d be looking to tighten things up with Ashley. He’d throw his all into being a husband.
Understanding it didn’t make it hurt less.
With the cold water pouring down his head, AJ braced his hands against the shower wall and simply stood there. His breathing was ragged. He knew that and couldn’t seem to stop it. All night long he’d been at war with himself. One half of him wanted so badly to hope. To sit back and wait and see if Brian would come back to him once Ashley was gone. Brian had never been able to stay away before. Why would now be any different? But the practical side of him wouldn’t let that hope blossom.
To accept that Brian wouldn’t come back, that he would never come back, had been what AJ had forced himself to do. It was like trying to accept that someone had died. His heart had grieved through the night. Now, tired, ragged and raw inside, he needed to pull himself together. To put on his game face and do the job he was paid to do.
Once he was out of the shower he wrapped himself up in the robe the hotel provided. It did nothing to warm his skin. The chill he felt didn’t come just from the cold shower. It came from deep inside. He couldn’t get warm. Nothing would warm him ever again. If he wanted to get through the day, he had to freeze his insides. It was the only way. He couldn’t allow others to see his pain. Not even Howie. No one would understand.
Meticulously, he dressed, taking care to try to look as normal as possible. He had to play that part. Even if he could care less what he looked like, he usually did and that was the image he was trying to maintain. While he put his clothes on, he also put up his mental barriers, walling off the hurt that he felt. Shutting the grief in the darkest part of his heart.
The last thing he did before going out the door was slide his sunglasses over his eyes. No one would be able to look at his face and see anything that he didn’t want them to. But the last thing he’d expected was to walk out his door and almost run smack dab into the one person he’d wanted to avoid.
Brian automatically reached out to steady AJ, keeping the two of them from falling. But almost as quickly he dropped his hands back down as if he couldn’t even stand the thought of touching AJ. The quick slice of pain didn’t show on AJ’s face. He wouldn’t let Brian know how that simple gesture made him bleed.
“Sorry.” Brian mumbled, moving to step around AJ.
He looked so damned uncomfortable. That was another pain, but AJ shoved that down. He couldn’t focus on himself right now. He had to focus on Brian. It hurt him to see the distress in Brian’s eyes. “It’s nothing, Bri.” He rasped, trying to sound casual. “You don’t have to run like I scalded you.”
Brian jerked his head toward AJ, eyes wide. “I’m not running.”
“If you say so.” AJ shrugged it off. Casual, he reminded himself. Easy. “I’m just saying, you don’t need to worry, Bri. I understand, ok? Trust me, I’m not going to raise a fuss over this. You don’t have to hide from me. I won’t beg and I won’t swipe at you.”
His words seemed to really surprise Brian. “Really?” Even his tone conveyed his surprise.
It took everything AJ had not to close his eyes against the waves of hurt in him. Hearing Brian’s voice, seeing him. Hell, even his smell. It was all so familiar, so wonderful. He wanted to do everything he’d just told Brian he wouldn’t do. But that wasn’t possible. He would only end up hurting him and Brian even more. So he stuck with his plan. “Really. You feel what you feel and it’s your right. I can’t change that. It doesn’t change how I feel.” AJ looked around the hallway, making sure no one was there. He didn’t see the crack in the door at the end of the hall. “But loving you means I want you to be happy, Brian. If she’s what makes you happy, then I’m happy for you. I won’t make it difficult.”
“You value me too much.” Brian whispered, almost as if he didn’t realize he was speaking aloud. “I’m not worth that much feeling or respect. You should find someone who’s worth everything you have to give.”
Those words made AJ’s heart cry out as nothing else had so far. He ached to wrap Brian in his arms and take that pain away. But he knew his touch wouldn’t be welcomed right then. So he used the only thing he had available. Words. “Your worth it all, in my eyes. I can’t change my heart to suit what you want me to feel, Brian. To me, you’re always worth it. Every bit of it.”
“I should never have let it get this far where you started to feel like this.”
“You never let me say it before, but you and I both know it was always there. That won’t change for me. I won’t go away. That’s ok, I’ve accepted it.” He couldn’t take much more of this. Not and stay upright. “I just wanted to tell you that it’s ok. You don’t need to worry about me. Just worry about you. Do what makes you happy, Brian, and damn everything else. In the end, that’s what matters, right?”
AJ couldn’t hold back anymore. On the last word, he briefly ran his knuckles down Brian’s cheek, the feeling arrowing straight down to his heart. Then he dropped his hand and took off down the hall, never seeing how Brian stood there, one hand raised to the cheek AJ had just touched. He didn’t let himself look back. Didn’t even pause to wait for the elevator. Before he could shatter, he popped the door to the staircase and darted inside.
It was there Howie found him five minutes later, sitting on one of the stairs by a window, a cigarette dangling from his hand. He heard someone coming and jerked to his feet, wiping at his face, ready to crush out his cigarette quickly. Then he saw who it was. He gave another quick swipe over his cheeks to make sure they were dry before he forced a small smile to his lips. “Hey, D. You scared ten years off my life.”
Howie didn’t say anything as he came down the last few steps. Instead, he simply walked straight toward AJ. When he reached him he wrapped AJ in his arms, holding him close. AJ didn’t want that kind of embrace right then. He didn’t want Howie to be nice. If Howie was nice to him, there was a chance he might shatter underneath it. But the hands he brought up to pull Howie away ended up clinging to him.
He didn’t cry. Those tears were locked too far down. But he clung to his best friend, eyes screwed shut, his body quivering with the force of his grief.
Eventually, when AJ’s trembles slowed, Howie pulled back. They didn’t speak as AJ put out his cigarette and pocketed the butt. But, together, the two men descended the stairs and headed down to meet with the other guys for the afternoon interview.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The afternoon seemed to drag by for Brian. Looking back, he had no idea how he’d managed to make it through their interview. His mind was so far away from it all. The morning’s conversation with AJ kept playing over and over in his brain. That was the most honest they had ever been with one another. It was also the closest AJ had come to saying those three little words. Words Brian had only let him say once, that one time after the incident in the hotel room.
He couldn’t believe how calm and collected AJ had been! He’d expected to see pain on his face, or to see him hurting. He’d fully expected that AJ would avoid him like he had the plague, or hate him even. But no. Yet again, AJ surprised him. He was actually giving Brian his permission to do whatever it was that made him happy.
How could he tell anyone that he didn’t know anymore what would make him happy? He had no fucking idea.
One part of him loved his wife. If he didn’t love her he never would have married her. But the rest of him was beginning to think that maybe he loved her, but he wasn’t ‘in love’ with her. The distinction seemed important. But how could he know if he didn’t give them a shot? To be fair to her, he hadn’t worked hard at their marriage. She was what he needed to focus on. He should be elated that she was flying in. He was going to pick her up after the interview!
But somehow he found his mind drifting back to a pair of haunting chocolate eyes. Eyes that, when he looked into them, carried all the love in the world.
God, he missed AJ!
Privately he admitted that to himself. He missed going down to AJ’s room. Missed not only the physical relationship, but the feeling of having someone he could rely on when he needed. Someone who knew him and understood him. Someone who always knew the right thing to do without Brian ever having to say a word.
No, no! He needed to think on Ashley. She loved him. She was flying out, coming to see him and spend a few days with him, to try to bring their marriage back to life. That sweet girl deserved his undivided attention. Not AJ. He’d given Brian permission to do this, hadn’t he? Not that he needed AJ’s permission. But still, the point was, AJ told him to do what he wanted, what made him happy. Well, this made him happy!
He told himself that all afternoon long. Yet, periodically he drifted, remembering the feel of AJ’s knuckles skimming his cheek with such tenderness this morning.
By the time the interview was done, Brian was a jumble of emotions. Lately it had become normal for him. His head always felt so full of a million different thoughts that were constantly at war with one another. It took all his control to try to force it down to he could joke with Nick on the ride back to the hotel. By the time they arrived, though, he almost felt like his normal self. It felt good to laugh and joke with Nick like usual.
The group of them stepped into the lobby, Nick still picking on Brian and Brian elbowing him, his lips curved in his first true smile of the day. A sudden voice interrupted them.
“Brian!”
At the sound of that familiar voice, Brian turned, seeking it out. He saw Ashley almost instantly. Her face was lit with a bright smile as she hurried through the crowd, darting around people in her effort to reach Brian as quickly as possible. Happiness filled him at the sight of her. Part of him couldn’t help but think that the happiness he felt at seeing her was the same h would feel at seeing Kevin, or Nick, or Howie after being apart for a long time. Friend to friend. It was nothing in comparison to the fire that flared to life in him when AJ stepped into a room.
That thought was quickly shoved down. Dammit, knock it off! She’s your damn wife! He scolded himself.
So he put a smile on his face and stepped forward, arms outstretched when she finally reached him and leapt right at him. He laughed as he caught her, twirling her around. They had done that for as long as he could remember, even back when they had simply been friends. She was so slight that it was nothing for him to pick her up.
Ashley grinned at him and kissed him unashamedly, her eyes twinkling with happiness. “Oh, it’s so good to see you!” she exclaimed.
“It’s good to see you too.” He replied instantly. It was the truth. He always enjoyed seeing her. “You’re early. I thought I was supposed to pick you up in like two hours?”
“I caught an earlier flight and took a cab over. When I told them I was meeting my husband, they let me in to wait.” Laughing, she wrapped her arms around his neck to hug him again. “God, I feel like I haven’t seen you for years and it’s barely been any time at all, really.”
His eyes crinkled with his smile as he set her on her feet. The two turned toward their friends, allowing Ashley to say hi. It didn’t escape Brian’s notice that AJ was gone. But he said nothing as they all moved toward the elevator and rode up to the top floor. Ashley chatted away, bringing him and Kevin news from home. When they reached their floor, she hugged the others briefly before taking Brian’s hand and heading toward his room with him.
They passed by AJ’s room to get to his, two doors further down. As they passed, Brian heard a sound that had his stomach tensing. It sounded like AJ was throwing up in there. His first urge was to run in and make sure he was ok. Then reality kicked in. No, he didn’t need to take care of AJ. He needed to spend time with his wife. If AJ needed help, he could call someone down to help him. He was a big boy. He’d be fine. Any one of the other guys would be able to help them. So what if he knew that AJ wouldn’t call them? That wasn’t his problem. AJ would be fine.
Brian kept repeating that to himself as he opened his door and let Ashley inside. Maybe, eventually, he’d believe himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AJ gripped the edge of the toilet seat as his body heaved. Sweet mother of God. His body pushed out everything in it, which wasn’t much. He realized, bent over the toilet, that he hadn’t eaten anything in at least twenty four hours. But still the convulsions ran through him, forcing his body to retch up the only thing in his stomach; stomach acid. It burned its way up, bruising his throat.
He hadn’t expected it to hit him so hard when Ashley arrived! But she’d cried Brian’s name an all of them had looked. AJ hadn’t been able to stop himself from watching her fly toward Brian, or how Brian’s face lit up at the sight of her. The way he’d caught her in his arms and kissed her right there in front of them all. How many times had AJ ached to run into those arms? To have them be open for him the way they had for her just now?
Tears streamed down his cheeks as he lay back against the bathtub and flushed the toilet. He had to get himself under control. He had to! There was no way he could react like this any time they touched one another or it was going to be a hellish few days. Not that it wasn’t already going to be so.
AJ laid his head back, resting it on the cool tub. No matter what, he was going to make it through this. He had to. But God, did it have to hurt so much?