It took Brian the better part of an hour to calm himself down enough to do what he knew he had to do. The confrontation with Howie had been surprising. Not what Howie said, but that he had known. That AJ had told him. But the things that Howie had said were things that Brian had already realized. This thing between him and AJ had to stop, now.
Never in his life had Brian ever been the violent type. Yet somehow, he had physically hurt someone he cared deeply for twice in the span of one week. He couldn’t allow this to continue on.
Deep inside he could feel the break in his heart at the thought of leaving AJ. There was already an open wound there because of his actions. Before Howie had shown up at the door, Brian had been sitting and staring out the window, hating himself for what he was doing. Hating himself for hurting everyone around him. He was hurting Ashley by not being faithful to her. Oh, she had no idea that he was sleeping with AJ. But she knew something was different than it had once been. She never asked and he never said, yet it sat between them.
He was hurting AJ in so many ways. Not just physically, but emotionally. AJ may not have thought that Brian could hear him once he left, when he gave in to the tears that Brian occasionally saw in his eyes. Never did AJ cry in front of him. No, it was always once he was gone, once AJ thought he was safe. But sometimes Brian stood in the hall outside his door and listened to him sob. Or when he had the room next to him, he would sit with his back against the wall and listen as the pain raged through AJ, pulling the sobs and tears from him as if he was being beaten. The whole time Brian would listen, tears running down his cheeks, knowing that it was his fault. Knowing that he was the cause of it.
Yet time and time again he had gone back to AJ, knowing that this was what he was doing to him. Because he was selfish. AJ made him feel things that no one ever had. He made Brian feel special and loved. Like he was the greatest person on the entire planet. When he was in AJ’s arms, Brian felt like he could do anything, be anything. He knew that he would never be judged for what he was or what he wanted. AJ would always love him, no matter what. It was a heady feeling and one that he wasn’t used to.
Yes, Ashley loved him. But around her, Brian still had a role to play. Granted, it had never bothered him before. But he had never realized it wasn’t normal before. He had just assumed that this was how life was. When he was with his wife he had to be the man in the relationship because that’s what he was. There was sharing of things, yes. But when push came to shove, she was raised southern enough that she deferred to him on certain things and expected him to take charge on others. That was what was expected.
With his family he had always felt certain obligations, whether they were really there or things he imagined, he’d always felt them. To be a good son. To grow up, have a family. To go to church. To sing. So many things. In his heart he knew that no matter what his family would love him. If he gave up singing today and moved into some ramshackle home with AJ and spent the rest of his years living in sin, his family would still love him. But he still felt those expectations. The need to make them proud.
In the band there were even things that people expected of him. That he be the cheerful one. The one with the jokes and the smiles. The Frick to Nick’s Frack. They expected him to get up on stage, no matter how he felt, and perform for the shows. To put on his happy face and do the shows and the interviews and everything like that. Logically, Brian knew that if he was sick or something similar, those around him would understand. He still felt the pressure.
With AJ, though, he felt none of those things. None of it. AJ loved him faults and all. If he was angry, AJ would listen to him and let him rant and then calm him down. If he felt the need to cry, AJ didn’t run and hide or make him feel like less of a man. No, he’d hold him and kiss and touch him and just let him break for a while. Nowhere else had Brian ever felt that safe. That loved.
But he couldn’t hold on to it anymore. Not at the cost of hurting the people who mattered to him in life. So he took some time to try and take his own feelings and lock them down inside. He had plenty of experience at doing that. He needed to be firm to do this. Hard. AJ was going to be hurt and upset by this, but it would be best in the long run. One moment of hurt was little in comparison to what Brian had already done and what he could do in the future.
This was for the best. Everyone would be happier in the long run. Everyone but him.
Brian pushed that thought away and blocked those thoughts off. Deliberately he made himself cold, wrapping himself in ice. He would do this and he would do it right, so AJ would never think of coming back to him. Of trying to get him back. If he was going to do this than he needed to do it right. Keeping that tight around him, he made his way to AJ’s room, knocking briskly on the door.
It didn’t take long for AJ to answer. Brian had to resist flinching when he saw the mark on AJ’s face or the way his eyes looked swollen from tears or sleep or both. As always, when AJ answered the door he said not a word, only holding it open wider. Brian reminded himself to stay hard, stay cold, as he strolled inside.
Once they were both in the living room, Brian adopted the most casual pose he could possibly manage. AJ would never know how much this was tearing him up on the inside. “Look, Age, we need to talk.” Good, his voice sounded hard, cold, just like he wanted.
Something flashed in AJ’s eyes. “Ok. Let’s talk.” AJ said softly, taking a seat on the couch. He was dressed only in a tank top and sweats, his feet bare. He looked absolutely adorable and sexy all at the same time. To resist the temptation to touch him, Brian hooked his hands in his pockets.
“This thing with you and I, I think it’s run its course.” There, he’d said it. They’d almost stuck in his throat, but he’d said it.
This time it was easy to see what flashed into AJ’s eyes. Panic. “What?” He croaked out in surprise. “Is it because of this? Brian, I told you, that was an accident. I know it was.”
God, how easily AJ defended him! Brian knew there was no excuse for what he’d done. He’d backhanded him! All over a petty little argument, and because AJ had touched him. Brian hadn’t been clearheaded when AJ had touched his arm. There had been no time for thought. Instinctively his hand had shot out before he’d even had time to realize it. That was no excuse, though. It had been inexcusable.
“There are plenty of reasons why, AJ. But it all boils down to one thing. I’m done with this. I have a wife at home that I love. You and I, it was never more than a diversion.” God, you were never a diversion, Alex. I can’t admit to you how much I love you. How much you matter to me. “You were good company. You eased the feeling of being away from home. But I need to be faithful to myself and to my wife.” I want you, only you. Why can’t I tell you how I really feel? Why does it have to be like this? “My behavior lately just shows me how wrong this all is. I would have realized it sooner or later. Today just made it come sooner.”
The panic in AJ’s eyes grew and grew until his eyes seemed to take up almost his whole face. He rose to his feet, one hand outstretched. “Please, Brian, we can fix this.” He whispered brokenly. “Please don’t go.”
Oh God. If he had to stand here and watch AJ’s heart break than he didn’t know if he’d have the courage to keep going. This was for the best, he reminded himself. This was what had to be done. If he stayed, it would only hurt everyone more in the long run. He had to finish this and leave before he broke. Before he shattered into a million pieces.
With every ounce of will he had, Brian forced his face and his voice to become even harder. “Don’t make this difficult, AJ. I came over here to give you the courtesy of telling you instead of just stopping without saying anything. Don’t make a scene out of this.” Though his insides felt as brittle as thin glass, Brian somehow made himself move toward the door, away from AJ’s outstretched hand. “It’s been fun, Age.” I love you.
Somehow he made it to the door, then out it and into the hallway. But once he was back in his own room, his own door shut and locked, Brian let the pain drop him to his knees. No tears came. The hurt was too deep for tears. But he wrapped his arms around himself and rocked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took almost ten minutes before AJ could do anything but stand and stare. Dear sweet God. His heart felt like it had split into thousands of pieces inside of him. Brian had been so cold. Never before had he been that cold. He was always so open with his emotions when he came in to AJ’s room. Not his love, no. But everything else!
He said it wasn’t because of this afternoon. That it had been something that would have happened eventually. But AJ didn’t believe it. It had to be because of what had happened. Before that, they’d been fine. Well, before their argument. Still, AJ had been sure that once Brian mellowed, he’d come over and they’d talk. What had made him so hard and so cold?
As soon as he thought the question, AJ’s body froze. No. Oh no. But the answer was blindingly bright inside of his mind.
Fury raging through him, AJ tore from his room and down the hallway. He had one goal in mind and nothing was going to stop him. He didn’t even pause to be thankful when he found Howie’s door unlocked, simply burst into the hotel room and charged right in. He didn’t notice the other two in the room. AJ’s vision tunneled on the one person at the center of his rage. “You son of a bitch.” He swore as he shot forward.
Howie barely had time to utter “Shit!” before AJ had a hold of the front of his shirt and had slammed him back into the wall.
“What the hell did you do?” AJ snarled. He shoved his face right up by Howie’s. “I told you to leave it alone! What the fuck did you do?”
“AJ…” Howie gulped, his eyes wide. “I just talked to him, that’s all. What he did wasn’t ok, AJ. I’m sorry, but it wasn’t ok!”
“You asshole!” AJ shouted, slamming him into the wall again. “I told you to leave it alone! I told you it was a fucking accident!” AJ let go of him, backing away a step before he gave in to temptation and slammed his bunched up fist into Howie’s face. Pain ran through him like little razors, leaving him bleeding from a thousand cuts on the inside. “Do you even realize what you’ve done?”
Some of his earlier anger leapt back into Howie’s eyes. “He can’t treat you like that!” Howie snapped back at him. “Accident or not, that shit isn’t ok! You weren’t going to say anything about it, so yeah, I did. Someone had to! Someone had to make him understand that it was wrong! You were just going to crawl back to him like a kicked fucking puppy, begging for more!”
From the sidelines, Nick and Kevin stared, trying to figure out what was going on. They had seen AJ and Howie fight before and knew better than to step between the two, but they sensed something more was going on than they knew. Something serious.
Throwing his head back, AJ let out a roar of rage and made to dive for Howie. He couldn’t think past his rage. It was overpowering him and hazing his vision red. The two rolled around on the ground, running into the couch and the coffee table. Nick and Kevin stayed out of the way as best as they could. It wasn’t first time the two friends had thrown fists, either, and anyone who stepped in the middle was liable to get hit.
Howie managed to roll them enough and twist so that he had AJ in a headlock, the two of them kneeling on the ground. “Am I just supposed to not give a shit?” He snarled at AJ. “Am I just supposed to let that shit happen to you and not care about it?”
“You’re supposed to stay the fuck out of my business.” AJ roared back at him. He managed to get a hand behind him and wrap it around Howie’s neck. With one yank he had Howie flipped over and landing on his back on the ground. They scuffled a little more, ending this time with Howie face first into the ground and AJ with one knee on his back. He bent down to growl in Howie’s ear. “I trusted you to keep your damn mouth shut but you went to him, didn’t you?”
Furious beyond belief, AJ let go of Howie and stood. He was afraid if he didn’t, he’d take all his anger and pain out on Howie and beat him until he was a bloody pulp on the ground. He pointed a finger at his friend once Howie was on his feet. “You had to fucking interfere, despite me telling you not to. You pressed me to tell you something I didn’t want to tell you and then you turned around and went and said something about it. Am I right?”
“It wasn’t like that, AJ.” Howie insisted. He brought the back of his hand up to his mouth, staunching the slight bleeding where he’d bit the inside of his lip.
AJ clenched his hands into tight fists and prayed for patience. “How was it then, huh? What part did I get wrong?”
“I said something about it, I won’t deny that, but I didn’t do it to hurt you. I didn’t bring up anything you told me!” It was hard, but Howie tried to make sure he didn’t give anything away with his words. He didn’t want to let on to Kevin and Nick what it was he knew. That would cross a line in his mind. “I just let it be known that I knew and what I felt about it.”
“Yeah, well, I hope you’re happy, you bastard.” The venom with which AJ said that had the other three people in the room surprised. But he wasn’t done. His pain was starting to come back, burning away the buffer of anger. He glared at Howie. “You got what you wanted. This is the goal you wanted, right? Me, alone. You didn’t make a damn thing better, no matter what you thought you were doing. You just made it worse.”
“I was doing what I thought was best.”
“What you thought was best? I want to know who the hell gave you the right to decide what was best for me. I told you all that shit in confidence, because you’re my best friend and because you threatened me. But I trusted you to keep the shit to yourself. But no, you took it on yourself to take away my decisions, my rights, and do what you ‘thought was best’.”
There was a shamed look on Howie’s face. He looked less certain than he had before. Instead of making AJ feel better, it just made him feel worse. Nothing was going to make him feel better. Nothing. He’d lost everything in one move.
The fight drained from him. He didn’t have the energy to keep his anger burning anymore. Exhaustion had his body sagging. But when Howie made to step toward him, AJ held a hand up. The silent command did more than any shouted words. Howie froze, his concerned eyes staring at his best friend. “Alex…”
“No, Howie. Enough.” God, he was so tired. Just so damn tired. He didn’t have the energy for this anymore. “You’ve done enough. You won. Just…stay the hell away from me. Just leave me alone for a while. Later, I’ll think about it and I’ll probably think about how you did what you thought was best. I’ll probably even forgive you. But right now, just leave me alone.”
He couldn’t keep it all inside anymore. So, before he shamed himself any further, AJ turned and left the room as quickly as he’d come in. Still, he never saw Nick and Kevin, watching from the sidelines. He paid no attention to his surroundings. All he could think of was getting into his room and lying down for a while before the show. The pain in his heart was growing and growing, breaking it to pieces as it filled his chest. He’d thought it hurt before, having Brian leave after their nights together. He’d had no idea what pain was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Howie rubbed a hand over his chest as he stared at the door that had just shut behind AJ. He’d been afraid that AJ would come for him ever since he’d spoken with Brian. The way that Brian had acted had told Howie exactly what would happen. He also knew his best friend well and knew that it wouldn’t take much for AJ to realize that Howie had spoken with Brian.
God, the pain that AJ had been in! That had been so much more than Howie had thought he’d see. It scared him. He’d known, they’d all know, how AJ felt for Brian and how Brian felt for AJ. But, that level of pain hadn’t been something Howie had expected. He’d thought AJ would be hurt, that he might hide in his room or come sob to Howie, though he’d known that AJ would come blow at him at some point. But he’d thought that AJ would cool down after. That he’d take some healing time and he’d get better. This relationship wasn’t healthy!
A small part of him was terrified that it was too late. Maybe AJ had been in this position for too long now; it had become his life. Normal. Now that he was without it, he was devastated. The pain he’d been in had been so deep and intense. Had he been wrong in going to speak to Brian?
“D?” Nick’s voice was soft and hesitant. When Howie looked over, he remembered that his two friends were there. Their faces betrayed their surprise. “What the hell was that?”
How was he going to do this? He couldn’t betray AJ’s confidence again. But, he couldn’t leave the two totally in the dark. Not with the repercussions this was likely to have on the band. “Things are, well, they’re more than they seem with AJ and Brian.” He began slowly. “It’s not what we thought it was. It’s not, healthy. AJ told me some things, things I can’t tell you guys. Then I talked to Brian. I’d assume, by AJ’s attack here, that Brian must have gone and broke things off.”
“Hell.” Kevin groaned out. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “What the hell are we going to do? Those two barely talk to each other as it is. They love one another! Can’t they see that?”
Howie shook his head in resignation. “Sometimes love isn’t enough.” He said softly. His eyes traveled back toward the door. His heart broke as he thought of AJ, most likely down in his room right now, alone with the pain. Why hadn’t they just all stayed out of it? Maybe if they had, things might not be where they were now.