The very first thing AJ was aware of as he came back to himself was a warm hand stroking through his hair. It felt so good, so soothing, that he didn’t want to wake up for fear it would disappear. If he lay there and kept his eyes closed then he could pretend it was Brian, loving him, caring for him. For just a few minutes he could indulge in the fantasy.<?xml:namespace prefix = o /><o:p> </o:p>
Apparently he indulged a little too far. Brian’s voice was suddenly right there, with so much love in it that it brought tears to AJ’s eyes. “You sure gave me a fright, Alex.”<o:p> </o:p>
He must still be dreaming. Well, if he was dreaming, what would it hurt if he spoke to the dream-Brian? “I didn’t mean to.” He had no idea what dream-Brian was talking about, but he knew that he wouldn’t intentionally scare Brian, so his response was automatic; apologize.<o:p> </o:p>
“What were you thinking? You little fool, you’ve practically starved yourself. I hate to see how much you weight now.”<o:p> </o:p>
Oh. That’s what his dream-Brian was talking about. Odd that he’d dream about Brian lecturing him on something he was doing in real life. AJ didn’t let himself dwell on it. His eyes stayed closed, afraid to open them, afraid he’d wake up and Brian would be gone.<o:p> </o:p>
The hand in his hair tugged lightly on the locks as it stroked, the gesture so soothing that AJ never wanted it to stop. “Oh, Alex.” A delicate sigh blew through the strands of AJ’s hair. “What on earth am I going to do with you? What’s going on with us?” Next, to AJ’s extreme surprise, dream-Brian dropped a kiss on the top of his head. “I wish you’d talk to me. Tell me what on earth is going on. Why would you do this to us? To yourself?”<o:p> </o:p>
Reality was slowly starting to sink in. The more alert his brain became, the more embarrassed AJ was. Son of a bitch. He wasn’t sleeping. Brian wasn’t something he’d conjured up in his dreams. Body aches were coming to him, letting him know very much that he was awake. His eyes felt slightly swollen and tender. His throat was a little sore. And he doubted he could have lifted a feather at the moment with as weak as his body felt.<o:p> </o:p>
With that realization also came the memories. Sitting in the studio, playing the song on the piano for himself because he’d thought he was alone. Then Brian coming in. Holding him, letting him cry. Telling him that he knew now that AJ had lied because he’d heard the song. A song that had bared AJ’s soul. He remembered telling Brian he’d talk with him, but not in public. After that, though, things got a little hazy. He remembered standing up, swaying some, but beyond that….<o:p> </o:p>
“Where am I?” he croaked out. Now that he knew he was awake, he let his eyes flutter open. The light in the room made him wince.<o:p> </o:p>
Weight shifted beside him, the feel of the movement telling AJ that he was in a bed. How on earth had he ended up in a bed? His vision finally cleared from the light, allowing him to see the room around him, the things on the dresser, and he knew the answer to his own question. It shocked him, though. He was in the hotel, but he wasn’t in his room. He was in Brian’s. This meant that he was in Brian’s bed.<o:p> </o:p>
Pain tried to vise around his heart, to cut and slash, the memories of what they’d done together in this bed coming toward the forefront. He sucked air between his teeth. No, no, no. Not again. He wouldn’t think of it. He wouldn’t feel it. With all his will power he tried to call that feeling of ice back. To bring it back over himself and protect his heart. Anything, to wall away the memories. To force it all away.<o:p> </o:p>
But the bed shifted again and AJ suddenly found himself drawn into warm, strong arms, cradled against a familiar chest. No! The pain was starting to win out over the ice. He couldn’t bring his shield up, not in this bed, not in Brian’s arms. “Let me go.” He begged. Weakly, he pushed at Brian’s arms. It amazed to discover how weak his arms were. What on earth was going on? It took nothing for Brian to ignore AJ pushing at him. <o:p> </o:p>
To AJ’s shame, tears built in the backs of his eyes, burning to be set free. He grasped at the ice but it was fading further and further away. “Brian, please.” For the moment, he had no shame. Survival was the strongest instinct inside of him. “Just let me go. Let me out of here.”<o:p> </o:p>
“Alex, I can’t.”<o:p> </o:p>
“Let me up, please!” AJ paused when his voice cracked. He swallowed, trying to hold back the sob that was threatening. “I can’t be here.”<o:p> </o:p>
The sound of Brian’s voice was a soothing balm even as it broke AJ’s heart further. “I’m just trying to help you, Alex. Why won’t you let me help you?”<o:p> </o:p>
“No, no.” He was beyond caring what he said or did. Only one thing mattered. “Not here, please, please, not here. Not this bed. No.”<o:p> </o:p>
Brian went completely still against him. For a single moment he was made of stone. Then AJ felt a tremor run through Brian’s body. His grip suddenly tightened and he spoke in a voice thick with tears. “God, AJ. Oh, baby.” In one move, Brian shifted them both, pulling AJ off the bed and fully into his lap. AJ had no defenses left. He curled his body against Brian, holding tightly instead of pushing away, trembles running through him. <o:p> </o:p>
The ice in AJ melted far out of his reach. With it, the dam holding his words inside seemed to simply break. “I can’t do this.” He choked out, burying his face against Brian. Though his voice quavered, no tears came. “I just can’t.”<o:p> </o:p>
“Can’t what?”<o:p> </o:p>
AJ shuddered in Brian’s arms. What he doing? He couldn’t stay here. But he couldn’t find the energy to fight it anymore. His heart just wasn’t strong enough to take another beating at the moment. If he could get away from Brian then he knew he’d find that strength, that ice, once more. For Brian’s own good. “Let me go.” He whispered.<o:p> </o:p>
“Alex…”<o:p> </o:p>
With the tiniest shred of will left in him, AJ rocketed up from Brian’s lap, startling Brian so bad that his grip went lax. Though his legs shook, AJ managed to keep on his feet. The room around him spun sickeningly. Sweet God, what was wrong with him? Half of his strength went to simply holding himself up and not throwing up on the floor. But being free of Brian’s arms, Brian’s bed, he felt a little more of his mental strength come back.<o:p> </o:p>
AJ didn’t trust himself to say anything else. He couldn’t. So he simply turned and tried to make his way out of the room. The act of turning, though, was a mistake. Even when his body stopped, the room continued to swirl around him. Somehow he managed to catch himself as he crashed into the dresser, keeping both him and it from falling over.<o:p> </o:p>
Hands were suddenly touching him, trying to help him, but AJ recognized them. He jerked away, making the room swirl again. “Don’t!” he tried to shout, but it came out almost like a shriek. “Just leave me alone.”<o:p> </o:p>
Holding his hands out in front of him in a gesture meant to be non-threatening, Brian took a single step back. “Fine, I won’t touch you.” He said slowly, aiming for a soothing sound. “But you need to get in a bed, AJ. You should be lying down, not trying to walk around. You’re going to fall flat on your face.”<o:p> </o:p>
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” AJ found himself yelling. He felt trapped; his body fighting him, his mind flaying him, and his heart breaking. Having Brian there in his face only made it all worse. He didn’t know what to do, so his tongue lashed out in self-defense. “You want to watch me fall flat right here and now. It’d make you feel like a hero to help me, wouldn’t it?”<o:p> </o:p>
Brian looked completely flustered. “Excuse me?”<o:p> </o:p>
“You heard me. Well, I won’t stay in here with you and you damn well can’t fucking make me.”<o:p> </o:p>
Anger leapt into Brian’s eyes. “What the hell are you talking about?” he demanded, moving forward a step.<o:p> </o:p>
In response, AJ shifted along the dresser, keeping one hand there to keep his balance. The room was still spinning. But he tried so hard to not let it show. If ice wasn’t going to work right now, he’d keep the feelings away with fire. Maybe that would finally burn them out of him. If he broke again the way he had at the studio, he knew there’d be no going back for him. He wouldn’t be able to keep Brian at a distance any longer. This was what had to be done, for Brian’s sake. To keep him safe!<o:p> </o:p>
Gripping that, he let the filth spew forth. “I’m talking about you! You’ve got this little complex when it comes to me, Bri, and I won’t be a part of the damn thing!” He shouted. Who cared who heard them? “You needed something, you came to me, I helped you, you left. When I was there for you, willing and eager, you beat yourself up over wanting me and found so many fucking ways to leave. But every damn time something happens that shows you how little I care anymore, you come running back in. You only want what you can’t have and that’s it!”<o:p> </o:p>
“Bullshit!” Brian snapped back at him. To hear that vulgar word in that sweet voice was enough to have AJ’s head snapping over. But Brian wasn’t done. “I fell for your stupid little act last time, AJ, but the hell if I’m going to fall for it again.” If it hadn’t been so serious, the way that Brian put his hands on his hips would have had AJ laughing. But not now. Brian glared at him as he stood there. “Now I’ll respect you not wanting to be in this bed, but you’re going to find the first flat surface available and lay your ass down or I swear on everything in me I’ll toss you over my shoulder and carry you there. Do you understand me?”<o:p> </o:p>
The shock of Brian actually yelling at him, yelling and swearing at him, was enough to have AJ staring. In that instant, he lost his control over his body, too shocked to remember to keep it locked down, and he swayed so badly he would have fallen if Brian hadn’t darted forward and caught him.<o:p> </o:p>
Logic told AJ he wouldn’t be able to stay upright on his own. But logic and pride have nothing in common. His pride had him pulling up and back, away from Brian’s hands. “I’m going to my room, to my bed.” He told him, trying to glare. “Alone.”<o:p> </o:p>
“As if, Mclean. You aren’t going to be alone right now.”<o:p> </o:p>
AJ couldn’t believe how stubborn Brian was being. “The hell you’re coming with me! I don’t want you there! I won’t let you follow me.”<o:p> </o:p>
“Who’s going to stop me? You?”<o:p> </o:p>
“Yes!”<o:p> </o:p>
“You and what army? You can’t even make your knees stop quaking right now. You are physically and mentally exhausted and you’ve practically starved your damn body, AJ.”<o:p> </o:p>
“It’s my body and I’ll do with it what I want to!” AJ shrieked. He gripped the dresser tighter as the room gave another lurch.<o:p> </o:p>
A string of murmured swear words slid past Brian’s lips, startling AJ once again. It was in that moment of disorientation that Brian took full advantage and lifted AJ up by his waist, slinging him over his shoulder. AJ couldn’t react at first. All he could do was dangle over Brian’s shoulder, trying to make sense out of this. What on earth had gotten in to Brian?<o:p> </o:p>
Brian started moving and life came back to AJ. “Put me down, right now!” he demanded, slamming his hands against Brian’s back. It had no effect whatsoever on Brian. The man just kept walking. Mortified, AJ realized they were moving out into the hallway and that there were people there. Their friends were there. AJ started cursing steadily, trying to kick his legs, to hit any part of Brian he could reach. What made it even more mortifying was that Brian simply smacked his ass and told him “Shut up, AJ. You’re causing a scene.”<o:p> </o:p>
“I’m causing a scene? I’m causing a scene?” He shouted back. “Put me down right this fucking instant, Brian Thomas Littrell! Who the hell do you think you are, carrying me off like this?”<o:p> </o:p>
Brian snorted. “If you’re too stupid to take care of yourself then someone has to do it for you.”<o:p> </o:p>
In that instant, AJ may not have had his usual strength, he may have been as weak as a newborn kitten, but his mind was just as devious as ever and he was seeing red. There was only so much that one person could take from another. So, with a roar of rage, AJ reached one hand back and grabbed hold of Brian’s curls, yanking as hard as he could. As Brian let out a shout of surprise and pain, AJ jammed his knees into Brian’s chest. It had the satisfying result of making Brian drop him to the ground.<o:p> </o:p>
As soon as he hit, AJ was clinging to the wall, trying to bring himself to his feet. Anger kept the room steady enough that, once he got up, he managed to stay there. The surprised look on Brian’s face was very satisfying. “Shit, AJ!” Brian snapped, rubbing at his chest.<o:p> </o:p>
AJ just glared. “Shit, nothing, Brian! How dare you pick me up and cart me around like I’m some Goddamn piece of property? What gives you the right?”<o:p> </o:p>
“When you won’t take care of your idiotic self, someone has to!” Brian yelled back at him. Neither of them cared about their audience. But the other three members of their group were all standing by, shocked, watching the little drama unfold.<o:p> </o:p>
For AJ, everything in him was reaching a breaking point. How many times was a person expected to get hurt before enough was enough? How many more times was he going to have to go through this pain? Furious, he stood there and seethed. Couldn’t Brian just understand that he was doing all of this for him? That AJ was trying to help? To do what was right? “The last fucking person I want taking care of me is you.” He said in a low, angry voice. “I thought I made that clear.”<o:p> </o:p>
“You really think anyone who heard you playing that song is going to believe that, AJ?” Brian said. His tone was full of scorn. “You really think that I’m that stupid?”<o:p> </o:p>
Sweet God, he’d forgotten about that. The memory was there, but his brain seemed hazy, forgetting little things here and there. He wasn’t going to be able to play like Brian didn’t matter after he’d heard AJ perform that song. Why had he been listening, anyways? None of them should have been there! He’d only played because he’d thought he was alone. If he’d realized that people had been able to hear him then he never would have played his heart out in the open like that.<o:p> </o:p>
How on earth was he going to make Brian go away now? AJ did the only thing he could think of. He tried for honesty. Not the total truth, but a little. “Can’t you just respect that I have my reasons, Brian?” In contrast to his earlier anger, AJ’s voice was now soft and laced with a hint of his inner agony. “If it’s so obvious to you that I care then you have to know I had a damn good reason for what I did. Why can’t you just leave it alone?”<o:p> </o:p>
“Because.” Sighing, Brian ran a hand over his face. He looked straight into AJ’s eyes. “Because you matter too much, Alex. More than I ever let myself realize. Don’t you understand what that night meant to me? How much I was opening myself up to you that morning? You have no idea what I was willing to give you then.”<o:p> </o:p>
“No idea?” Those words had AJ stumbling a little in surprise. He felt his eyes go wide in his face. “You think I have no idea? I knew exactly what you were willing for, Bri.”<o:p> </o:p>
“Then what on earth was so important that you’d leave me at the time I was going to give the one thing the both of us have always wanted?”<o:p> </o:p>
“I had my reasons.” That was all he could say about it. Now, if he could just get enough energy to walk to his door, this conversation would be done.<o:p> </o:p>
Not for Brian. “What reasons?”<o:p> </o:p>
“Drop it, Brian.”<o:p> </o:p>
“No.” Brian was adamant. “What reasons were so good that it justified hurting us like this?”<o:p> </o:p>
“Leave it alone.” Please, God, drop it.<o:p> </o:p>
“Tell me, Alex.”<o:p> </o:p>
“No.” One step. Jesus, his legs were trembling. He had to move. Had to get away from Brian’s heartbroken voice.<o:p> </o:p>
“Tell me! I deserve that much, at least.”<o:p> </o:p>
“Drop it, I said.”<o:p> </o:p>
“Dammit!” Brian’s curse echoed down the hall. “If you cared for me at all then you’d at least have the decency to tell me what the hell your reasons were instead of leaving me feeling like I did something wrong!”<o:p> </o:p>
That was the final straw for AJ. Every restrain he’d managed to bring back over himself broke free with a loud snap inside. He stopped trying to walk away and instead turned to look at Brian. Emotion ran rampant through him. “The decency to tell you?” He rasped. “You think me not wanting to tell you means that I don’t care for you? That there’s something wrong with me?”<o:p> </o:p>
“If you cared about me, you wouldn’t hurt me. Hurt us.”<o:p> </o:p>
“I hurt us because I care about you!” The words exploded out of AJ. “I did every bit of this for you. I had to stand there and see that look on your Goddamn face, see how much I was hurting you and how badly I was making you hate me, all for you. I broke my own heart, for you.”<o:p> </o:p>
It looked like Brian was trying to say something but AJ was on a roll. He couldn’t have stopped the words even if he had wanted to. “I lied my ass off, for you. I put up with shit, for you. I tore apart everything inside of me, every part of my heart, for you. I pushed away the best friends I have in the world so that they wouldn’t bother with me and would try and help you! How dare you tell me that I don’t care about you? What the hell do you understand? I had a damn good reason for doing that. I kept you safe!”<o:p> </o:p>
All the anger and pain in Brian’s eyes seemed to just melt away. He looked confused. “Safe?”<o:p> </o:p>
“She was going to do everything she could to hurt you. To ruin you with the media, with your family. She was going to make you a pariah, all because of me! Me!”<o:p> </o:p>
“She-” The word stuck in Brian’s throat. Realization lit up his face. “Ashley.” Suddenly, Brian looked fierce. More fierce than AJ had ever seen him. He strode forward, grasping the shoulder of AJ’s shirt. “Was Ashley there that morning? Was she the reason I heard a door?”<o:p> </o:p>
With Brian’s blazing blue eyes locked on to him, AJ’s words dried up in his throat. All he could manage was a nod.<o:p> </o:p>
“What the hell did she say to you, AJ?” Furious, Brian pushed AJ so that his back was against the wall he’d been using for support. Someone stepped up, a voice that AJ couldn’t understand. But he heard Brian snarl at them. “No!” Those eyes never looked away from AJ. “Tell me what she said. Now, AJ!”<o:p> </o:p>
In a shaking voice, he repeated Ashley’s threats. What she said about going to the press, about his family, everything. By the time he was done, the rage in Brian’s eyes had grown beyond anything he’d ever seen before, and he’d seen Brian furious more than once. Because he had seen Brian angry, he easily recognized that temper had gone beyond just shouting. He saw the balled fist at Brian’s side, the vicious anger that had his eyes so turbulent, the way that Brian’s body went tense in a sign that meant only one thing.<o:p> </o:p>
AJ reacted instinctively, doing the only thing in the world that he knew would get Brian’s attention right then. The only thing that would break through that temper before Brian’s fist flew into some hard surface and potentially injured him. He let his body sway a little; stopped fighting the dizziness and the pounding headache and let go of his iron control. His body started to slide down the wall, too weak to stand up anymore.<o:p> </o:p>
It worked. Immediately Brian’s grip on him shifted, moving to catch AJ and haul him back up. Temper was still obviously there, but his hands were gentle as he made his decision and lifted AJ in his arms. The dizziness wasn’t faking. AJ had been holding it back with his will before. All he’d done there was let go of that will, let the defenses down, knowing what would happen. But it had stopped Brian’s temper in its tracks. He sagged into Brian’s arms, letting his head rest against the warmth of Brian’s neck and shoulder.<o:p> </o:p>
“I’m sorry, Alex.” Brian whispered to him. “We shouldn’t be standing here arguing. Let’s get you in bed, ok? I’ll drop you off in your room if it’s what you really want, I swear it. Just let me order you some broth first and I promise I’ll leave you alone. Or I’ll get one of the guys to stay with you.”<o:p> </o:p>
The decision was made even before AJ let the words past his lips. “Stay with me?” How could he want otherwise? Even if it was for a short time, he couldn’t deny that they both needed one another. He needed Brian so much, he always did. But most importantly to him, Brian needed him right now.<o:p> </o:p>
“Anything you want.” The words were whispered so low that AJ almost didn’t hear them. But when he did, he smiled.<o:p> </o:p>
Another voice joined them then. AJ didn’t bother opening his eyes to look as he felt Brian start to walk. “I’ll order some food, Bri. You sure he doesn’t need a doctor? He…God, I hadn’t realized how bad he looks.” Kevin was speaking gently, his words so sweet and kind. Yet at the same time, AJ wanted to curl his lip. He didn’t look bad. So maybe he’d lost a few pounds? How bad could it be?<o:p> </o:p>
Howie’s voice joined in the mix. “Maybe we should take him in, Brian. I mean, look at him!”<o:p> </o:p>
“I’ve got him, guys. If things get worse I promise I’ll take him in. But for now, let’s try it this way. He’ll do better here, I think.” That reassurance from Brian must have been enough because no one argued with him. They paused somewhere, one of Brian’s hands shifting. AJ didn’t care. He was soaking up the sensation of being in Brian’s arms. “Hey, Nick?” Brian called out. “Would you mind getting my stuff together for me and bringing it over in a while? I don’t want to leave him.”<o:p> </o:p>
“No prob, Bri. Just take care of him for us. Right now, he’s all that matters. Fuck the rest of it.”<o:p> </o:p>
As Brian carried him into the hotel room, AJ let Nick’s words warm his heart. Had anyone but Howie ever really cared about him that way before? Sure, he always knew Howie loved him. They were great friends. But it was a nice feeling to hear Nick say what he had. Even after the way he’d done all of this, the guys still cared about him.<o:p> </o:p>
There was the sound of the door shutting and then they were moving again. The movements and warmth of Brian’s body was lulling AJ back toward sleep. He was barely alert when Brian shifted him, muttering softly in his ear that he wanted AJ to stand for a moment, to just stay still on something. Then AJ was standing and Brian’s hands were gone. He swayed, exhausted, but it lasted only a moment. Brian was picking him up again and AJ was drifting. The last thing he knew before he fell fully asleep was that Brian had laid him down in a warm bed and was snuggling in beside him.
STORIES<o:p> </o:p>