Things stayed quiet through the entire day and well into the next one. Neither AJ nor Brian was seen outside of their rooms. Despite their best planning, none of the other boys could figure out a way to start to fix things between them. Any time that Nick tried to bring the topic up with Brian, he was shot back down. They were at their wits end with the whole thing.<?xml:namespace prefix = o /><o:p> </o:p>
But then it was time to head into the studio to record the one song they needed to record, a song that had been messed up when it came time to put the newest CD together, so they were taking a break to fix it and then heading back onto tour.<o:p> </o:p>
Never before had things been so quiet in the recording studio between takes. Brian spoke only when spoken to, his voice low and flat. AJ wore that same icy little sneer he’d worn since he’d walked form Brian’s room that morning. But somehow they made it through the morning time. When it came time for lunch, everyone filed out of the room. Everyone but AJ. He hung back, hoping no one would notice him. He wasn’t hungry. Hell, he was never hungry anymore. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten something.<o:p> </o:p>
Who cared? He had no appetite. Why force himself to eat something if he wasn’t hungry? He took a drink off his water bottle and sat down on the couch. Maybe he could just sit here and rest for a bit while they were at lunch. They should be gone for at least an hour; he could let his guard down a little. It took so much effort to keep the mask in place. Sitting there, his eyes drifted around the room. They settled on the piano against the one wall. A fleeting thought entered his mind. First, he pushed it back. But then he let himself think about it.<o:p> </o:p>
There wasn’t anyone around. Not like anyone would hear him, right? They had all gone to get something to eat so he had plenty of time. AJ looked longingly at the piano that stood against the wall. No one would know if he played for a moment.<o:p> </o:p>
They were gone. He could go over there, fiddle with the tune he had in his mind, put it to the faint lyrics that floated there with it. Maybe pull out the pocket recorder, record it on there for later so he could write it all down. Yeah, that might work. Then he wouldn’t have to pause to write it down. He’d be done before anyone came back. And maybe, just maybe, pulling this song out of his head and his heart might take some of the pain with it.<o:p> </o:p>
Sitting down on the piano bench took a slight edge off the ever present ache in his chest. Music had always been soothing to him. A place to lose himself from reality. That first note rang straight down to his soul. He closed his eyes and let the music fill him, traveling down his fingers to the keys. For just a minute he played simply for the joy of playing.<o:p> </o:p>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p> </o:p>
“What’re you guys doing?” Brian asked curiously. He stood at the end of the hallway, watching as his friends crowded around the door. Instantly, three hands came up, each one of them putting a finger to their lips to shush him. Brian fell quiet, confusion marring his brow. Then the music started back up. The beautiful sound of the piano playing came floating down the hall to him.<o:p> </o:p>
Without even realizing what he was doing he found himself moving down to join them. He peeked into the small crack they had in the door. AJ? Was that AJ sitting there at the piano? Even as the pain hit Brian, same as it always did, he felt a little spurt of pride. AJ played so well! It was beautiful music that came from there.<o:p> </o:p>
The music cut off suddenly with a loud curse. “No, dammit. Why can’t I get this right?” AJ swore softly to himself. For the first time all day there was honest emotion in his voice.<o:p> </o:p>
Brian watched, the others right beside him, as AJ took a deep breath, rolling the tension out of his neck and shaking out his hands. Then he laid his fingers on the keys again. This time, the music that came out touched right down to Brian’s heart. He was so wrapped up in it that it startled him when AJ started to sing.<o:p> </o:p>
Take what you need<o:p> </o:p>
Cause I can’t hold my breath<o:p> </o:p>
Say what you feel<o:p> </o:p>
Cause I got nothing left<o:p> </o:p>
I made a promise to myself last night<o:p> </o:p>
I’m gonna keep it if it’s wrong or right<o:p> </o:p>
An if I lose it all<o:p> </o:p>
There’ll be nothing left to lose<o:p> </o:p>
And I would take the fall<o:p> </o:p>
Cause knowing you are out there breathing is so wonderful<o:p> </o:p>
It’s a chance I take even if I break<o:p> </o:p>
And I lose it all if I lose it all<o:p> </o:p>
Wouldn’t matter anyway<o:p> </o:p>
Don’t change a thing<o:p> </o:p>
Perfect as you are<o:p> </o:p>
Time has a way<o:p> </o:p>
Time is all I’ve got<o:p> </o:p>
If my heart should shatter watching you<o:p> </o:p>
There’d be one less thing I’d have to prove<o:p> </o:p>
An if I lose it all<o:p> </o:p>
There’ll be nothing left to lose<o:p> </o:p>
And I would take the fall<o:p> </o:p>
Cause knowing you are out there breathing is so wonderful<o:p> </o:p>
It’s a chance I take even if I break<o:p> </o:p>
and I lose it all<o:p> </o:p>
If I lose it all<o:p> </o:p>
Heaven will be waiting when I fall into your open arms<o:p> </o:p>
I believe you’ll find me there<o:p> </o:p>
You’ll find me there<o:p> </o:p>
And if I lose it all<o:p> </o:p>
There’ll be nothing left to lose<o:p> </o:p>
And I would take the fall<o:p> </o:p>
Cause knowing you are out there breathing<o:p> </o:p>
Is so wonderful<o:p> </o:p>
It’s a chance I take<o:p> </o:p>
Even if I break<o:p> </o:p>
And I lose it all<o:p> </o:p>
If I lose it all<o:p> </o:p>
And if I lose it all<o:p> </o:p>
There’ll be nothing left to lose<o:p> </o:p>
And I would take the fall<o:p> </o:p>
Cause knowing you are out there breathing<o:p> </o:p>
Is so wonderful<o:p> </o:p>
It’s a chance I take<o:p> </o:p>
Even if I break<o:p> </o:p>
And I lose it all<o:p> </o:p>
If I lose it all<o:p> </o:p>
Wouldn’t matter anyway<o:p> </o:p>
The last line seemed dragged from AJ. The pain, the honest emotion in the entire song, had touched a place in Brian. He felt tears in his eyes, on his cheeks, and he didn’t care. How on earth could he have been so stupid? How could he have believed AJ when he said he didn’t love him? This song right here put lie to everything that AJ had said in his hotel room. Everything that Nick had said was right. AJ was protecting him from something. In the fact of that song, Brian couldn’t deny it. It was written right there for anyone to hear.<o:p> </o:p>
A sudden curse startled Brian so badly he jumped back into his friends a little. The four of them watched as AJ brought his hands up to cover his face. What came next had the four friends aching. Hands over his face, AJ started to sob. Great, gasping sobs that shook his small frame like it was going to shatter his very bones. They weren’t the quiet tears that came from heartbreak. They were the gut wrenching sobs from pain so strong it was almost violent.<o:p> </o:p>
Unable to stop himself, Brian moved forward. He couldn’t just stand here and let AJ hurt that way. Never before had he heard someone who sounded like they were in so much pain. But just as he stepped forward, Howie snagged his arm. When they locked eyes his friend quietly whispered “He’s never been this vulnerable before, Brian. You have the ability to shatter him right now. If you do, there’ll be no picking up the pieces. If you don’t know if you can be gentle, don’t go in there right now.”<o:p> </o:p>
“I have to go in.” To Brian, that said it all.<o:p> </o:p>
He pushed past everyone, walking carefully into the room. Every sob that AJ gave, every gut wrenching sound that tore from deep in him, tore at Brian as well. He did the only thing he could do; the only thing he wanted to. He walked straight forward and straddled the piano bench, gathering AJ into his arms.<o:p> </o:p>
It was a sign of how badly AJ was hurting that, after the first initial jerk at someone touching him, he just melted into Brian. Like there was nothing left in him to fight with, AJ didn’t try to stop the tears. He turned, hands clenching in Brian’s shirt, burying his face into Brian’s shoulder.<o:p> </o:p>
For his part, Brian held him tight. He made soft, soothing sounds, not quite words. As he held AJ, though, something came to his attention. Under the guise of rubbing his back, Brian felt along AJ’s body. Jesus. When had he gotten so thin? Not that he wasn’t already thin, but he felt even more so. In the back of his mind he recalled Ashley saying that Howie had been checking at the one hotel, seeing if AJ had ordered anything on his room. Had he been checking to see if AJ ate?<o:p> </o:p>
Come to think of it, when was the last time that he’d seen AJ join them at meals? A week? Two?<o:p> </o:p>
Those thoughts plagued Brian as AJ’s tears slowly dwindled. Finally, the room was quiet but for AJ’s occasional sniffle. AJ was the one to break the silence. “Of all people, it had to be you.” He whispered. “A thousand other people could have been here right now and it had to be you.”<o:p> </o:p>
The sarcastic lilt to those words could make them either offensive or humorous. Brian chose to be amused. At least for a moment. Then his eyes grew serious. He bent his head down, nuzzling the top of AJ’s head. “You lied to me, Alex.” He murmured against AJ’s hair. “I heard the song.” That in itself said enough.<o:p> </o:p>
A sigh that felt more like a shudder ran through AJ’s body. It reminded Brian of what Howie had said. “He’s never been this vulnerable before, Brian. You have the ability to shatter him right now.” The truth of that sank into Brian. None of AJ’s shields were up right at the moment. The internal agony he’d felt had broken free for this period of time. Until AJ was able to put those shields back up, he would be vulnerable.<o:p> </o:p>
AJ spoke in a raspy voice, the words barely able to be heard. “I’ll do what I have to. It won’t be my fault.”<o:p> </o:p>
“What won’t be your fault?”<o:p> </o:p>
One of AJ’s hands came up, brushing weakly at his cheeks. It seemed at first that he wasn’t planning on answering Brian. When he did finally speak, it wasn’t what Brian had thought he would hear. “If we’re going to talk, can we at least get out of here? I don’t want to be in public for this.” He mumbled. A small spurt of hope lit in Brian’s heart. That wasn’t pushing him away. AJ wasn’t trying to make him leave. He was just asking to talk somewhere else.<o:p> </o:p>
“Of course. Let’s go, honey.”<o:p> </o:p>
Together the two men rose. AJ was still mostly wrapped in Brian’s arms, but when he reached his feet he pulled away for a moment to grab his little pocket recorder. While he did that, Brian skirted around the bench. AJ turned back around and Brian couldn’t help but wince at the sight of his face. His eyes were red and puffy, most definitely swollen from crying. Tears had left shining streaks on his cheeks. Even his nose looked red and sore.<o:p> </o:p>
But there was something in his eyes that Brian had thought he would never see again. That soft little glow that had always been there for him. Only for him. Focusing on that, he wasn’t paying enough attention when AJ took a step forward. He missed the wobble on AJ’s first step, but he was paying enough attention to see AJ take that second step and start to fall.<o:p> </o:p>
With an oath, Brian leapt forward and just barely managed to catch AJ before he would have toppled straight to the ground. AJ’s hand clung weakly to his arms, trying to hold himself up. “Woah…man.” AJ said. His head came to the side, resting against Brian’s shoulder while his body sagged into Brian’s arms. <o:p> </o:p>
Brian’s earlier thoughts came back to him. “Alex, when was the last time you ate anything?” <o:p> </o:p>
“I-I’m not sure.”<o:p> </o:p>
Curses slipped past Brian’s lips. He did the easiest thing possible and bent, lifting AJ up into his arms so he could carry him from the room. AJ protested, but it was easy to ignore him. Lack of food combined with a strong crying jag seemed to have made for one weak and exhausted AJ.<o:p> </o:p>
When Brian made it to the end of the hallway, one of the doors opened and Kevin stepped through. He took one look at Brian and AJ and concern stole across his face. “Is he ok?” he asked quickly, striding forward until he reached them.<o:p> </o:p>
“He will be.”<o:p> </o:p>
“What happened? Did he pass out in there?”<o:p> </o:p>
Looking down, Brian realized that AJ was, indeed, unconscious. His heart softened even more. In unconsciousness, AJ looked so sweet, so peaceful. It showed Brian even more the slightly gaunt look that was in AJ’s features. How had they all missed it before? “I need to get him back to the hotel.” Brian said, looking up at Kevin.<o:p> </o:p>
His cousin nodded seriously. “He…he doesn’t look quite right. He almost looks sick.” Kevin said softly. One of his hands came up, brushing gently across AJ’s forehead, much like a father to his child. “He’s been holding in too much for too long.”<o:p> </o:p>
“He doesn’t remember the last time he ate anything.” The words were past Brian’s lips before he could even think about it. One that came out, the rest poured out with it. “I held him, Kev, and he felt so small. He’s never felt that small before. I was afraid his sobs were going to break him, that’s how fragile he was!”<o:p> </o:p>
It would have surprised others to see the sheen of tears in Kevin’s eyes. “You’re the only one that has a license here, Bri.” He said suddenly. His arms came up, hands extended, keys in one hand. “Let me take him for a minute, go get the car. Security’s gone, they can’t drive us. You bring the car around back and I’ll load him in with you. We’ll call it a day.”<o:p> </o:p>
Brian was surprised at how reluctant he felt to give up AJ. But he knew that Kevin was trying to help and that his plan was smart. So he shifted AJ, transferring him from his arms to Kevin’s arms. AJ didn’t stir the entire time. Without wasting time, Brian stroked his hand over AJ’s face one last time, and then he darted out the doors. So many things were messed up and there were still plenty of things that needed to be talked about. But right now one thing was clear in his mind. He was going to take care of AJ the way that AJ had always taken care of him. Nothing else mattered.
STORIES<o:p> </o:p>