AJ knew what was coming. No one could ever say that he walked into this blindly. He knew what to expect from it all. It was something that he had come to terms with a long time ago. He loved Brian Littrell with every fiber of his being. And Brian only wanted to use him for sex. Things had started innocently enough. A kiss one night, when both had been drinking. They'd laughed it off the next day, moved on. But, they'd both thought about it.
So AJ had used alcohol to get them relaxed and had tried it again. That time they hadn't bothered pretending. Things had moved fast from kissing to hand jobs to blow jobs. Then Brian had come to his room one night, and they had finally gone all the way.
With all of that, AJ should have been on cloud nine. But there was a damper on it all. Brian had made very clear from the start that he was married, and he wasn't going to leave his wife. When the need got too strong, he came to AJ, and they helped one another.
Each time Brian left, AJ lay in his bed, unable to help the feeling of being used. When Brian came to him, it was wonderful. Magical. They wrapped up in one another and left the world outside. But afterward, when Brian woke up and went back to his room, and AJ was left in his bed, he let down the defenses he usually kept so tightly held together.
What kind of person was he, to knowingly allow himself to be used? To still take the small happy moments for the bigger moments of pain that always came after. What kind of a person was he to help a man cheat on his wife?
It had been almost a week since the last time that Brian had come to his room. But the look on Brian's face after the show that night had let him know.
AJ knew what was coming. He both looked forward to it and dreaded it. Eventually his heart wouldn't be able to take any more. Little by little it was breaking into pieces, without anyone even knowing. He loved Brian Littrell. But he wished he could tell him no. Tell him to go back to his room. Hell, to go back to his wife!
When the knock came on the door, AJ moved and opened it. He said nothing when he saw Brian. Instead, he opened the door wider and let him in. Next time. Next time he would have the strength to say no. It was the same thing he told himself every time.