The next morning, for the first time in way too long, Brian woke easily and peacefully. He stretched his arms up above his head, smiling at the morning light that filtered through the windows. Almost instantly his eyes went to the nightstand by the bed where he had put his flowers before he’d fallen asleep. The sight of them had his smile growing bigger.
They had been such a surprise. A pleasant one. Who but AJ would have known to get him these kinds of flowers? The kind that made him think of moments in his childhood, moments that made him smile both inside and out. Or who else would have thought of putting that song lyric, from one of his favorite songs, in the card.
The card was propped against the vase so that he could see it perfectly. Rolling over on his stomach, Brian pulled the pillow under his chin and just looked at them. Reread the car over and over again. It made his heart stutter a little to see those three important words at the end. I love you. Not with fear, as he had the first time that AJ had said them to him. But with a kind of thrill.
How many times had AJ said, to any one of them, that he loved them? Yet Brian couldn’t, wouldn’t, pretend to himself that it was the same. The way that AJ said those words to him had a whole different meaning. A kind of meaning that seemed to warm parts of Brian’s heart. He had come to the realization that, whether he wanted it or not, AJ loved him. It wasn’t something that he could change. A part of him didn’t want to change it either.
Sometimes he still couldn’t believe that AJ was even gay. The consummate ladies’ man, a homosexual? It almost seemed ludicrous. Add on to it that it was him, Brian, that he loved and well, he almost couldn’t wrap his brain around it.
A part of him still screamed that this was stupid. He was letting himself get entangled in something that could hurt him. Those wounded places inside of him weren’t healed. If he trusted AJ and there ended up being pain, it would shatter him. Not only that, but he had the band to think about. All of their futures. Could he let this progress, knowing that it could ruin them all?
Looking at the flowers, at the card with that sweet song lyric, Brian knew the answer. He was already in too deep. There was no way he was going to be able to back away. AJ had somehow managed to get under his defenses and was managing to worm his way in deeper every day.
What was he going to say to him? Should he acknowledge the flowers and thank him? If he did, it would have to be away from everyone else. The last thing he needed was to have the others wondering why AJ had sent him flowers. There was no way in hell he was ready to tell them about his sexuality.
Sighing, Brian sat up. He was dwelling on things too much, he knew that. It was a problem he had always had, and it had been worse since, well, since what had happened. Even in his own mind he shied away from thinking about it.
Determination filled Brian as he moved to get ready for the day. He was not going to let his thoughts linger on the how and why and what-ifs. For once he was just going to enjoy a gift in the spirit that it was given.
Without realizing it, he was humming and smiling as he hopped into the shower.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Curled up on the couch of his tour bus, AJ looked out the tinted windows and had to smile. His thoughts weren’t on the fans that were screaming outside, or on their destination. They were on Brian. Things had been so hectic getting ready to get on the busses that he hadn’t had a chance to see him yet, and to see if he had liked his gift.
He knew that, eventually, Brian would come to him. Even if it was just to say thank you. His manners would dictate that. But AJ was anxious to see his eyes as he said it, and see if he had really enjoyed it. God, he hoped so.
This was just the first on a list of things that AJ wanted to do. He had thought long and hard about all of it, and planned things as best as he could. Campaign ‘Court Brian’ was under full swing. This was going to be one of the hardest, and the most enjoyable things he had ever done. But it was so worth it.
Sometimes he still couldn’t believe that Brian, his sweet Brian, was gay. Or that he was allowing him to do this. For a long time AJ had wanted his southern friend, but had been convinced that the effort wouldn’t be worthwhile. That Brian was as straight as they came. Now he knew differently, and was free to act on it. Not only free, but given permission! It was a heady sensation.
Out of the corner of his eye AJ noticed Howie moving around in the kitchen even as the bus started up and prepared to leave. He sighed. If only everything else in his life was as happy as what he had with Brian.
The band couldn’t continue on this way. Not with this kind of strain on them all. Pretty soon the fans, the press, would begin to notice the tension between them.
He had to fix it. Unfortunately he wasn’t quite sure how to do it. He couldn’t force tolerance down their throats. That had to be something that came from within them all. But leaving it alone, and waiting for one of them to start to thaw toward him, obviously wasn’t working. So, he was going to have to take matters into his own hands. As usual.
Before he could lose courage, he called out “Hey, D! You got a minute?”
There was a split second hesitation before Howie answered with “Yeah. Let me serve up my coffee.”
“Good, you can bring me a cup too.”
The cockiness of AJ’s voice had Howie responding as he once would have. He threw a wry look over his shoulder. “What, your legs break when I wasn’t looking?” he said sarcastically. Even as he spoke he was pouring a second cup for AJ.
AJ shifted his position on the couch so that he was facing toward the other one. “Yep. I’m helpless, D. Don’t leave a bro hanging here.” That got the expected laugh from Howie. For a moment it was almost like things were normal. Then Howie brought his coffee over and handed it to him, and AJ saw the discomfort leap back into his eyes.
He waited until Howie was seated opposite him on the other couch before he decided to speak. As usual, he was blunt and to the point. “This shit has got to be resolved, Howie. Y’all avoid me like I’ve contracted some contagious disease. Gayness doesn’t rub off on you, you know.”
For just a second the corner of Howie’s mouth quirked. Then he sighed and stared in his coffee cup. “I know, Age. It’s just, it’s hard for me to comprehend. Hell, it’s like overnight you suddenly changed on me. I don’t know how to act around you anymore.”
This was why he had chosen Howie to talk to first. Years of being best friends left them comfortable enough with one another that they didn’t have to mince words or play little manners games. They didn’t beat around the bush. It was one reason that they were best friends; their ability to always talk to one another.
“I’m still me. Being attracted to men doesn’t change who I am. Does it really make that big a difference that I prefer dick over pussy?”
Howie choked slightly on his coffee, almost spitting it back into his cup. He coughed for a second, banging his chest to force the drink to go down. When he could breathe normally again he glared at AJ. “Geeze, could you be any more vulgar?”
Smirking, AJ took a sip. “Probably, if I tried. Usually it just comes naturally.”
“No shit?” Sighing, Howie sat back against the couch. The guard was gone from his eyes for the first time since the truth had come out. He wore his usual friendly expression. “Your sexual preferences really don’t make that big a deal to me, Age. Really they don’t. Like I said, it was more that you just suddenly changed on me, and I didn’t know how to react. Add on that I kind of felt betrayed that you didn’t come and tell me. Did you think me so shallow that you thought I’d stop being your friend if I found out you were gay?”
AJ stared at him for a moment, flabbergasted. He hadn’t thought of how this had made Howie feel in terms of friendship. As usual he spoke before he even finished thinking. “A little bit.”
“Gee thanks.” Howie said sardonically. “Such faith you have in me.”
“Sorry, D. At first I was afraid, I’ll admit it. Not just of you, but of everyone finding out. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, falling in love and not being able to tell anyone. Then, not having those feelings returned, I just thought, what was the point of telling anyone? The only man I wanted and I knew I couldn’t have him, so why get everyone up in arms about me being gay when it wasn’t really going to go anywhere?”
“You fell in love?” Howie asked him gently.
AJ’s eyes clouded over as he thought of that first day, that first moment, when he had finally accepted the feelings of love and desire in him for Brian. The way he had felt when he had admitted it to himself, and when he had acknowledged that he would never have him. How far he had come since then! “I do. But who it is isn’t important.”
The look that Howie gave him was the same one his friend had been giving for years. It said he was interested, but he would respect what AJ said and not nag. Another reason AJ loved him. “But what about Nick? I mean, for him to be like that, you must have told him. That hurt, too. That you could tell Nick of all people, but not me.”
Gripping his mug with one hand, AJ automatically reached out with his other to grip Howie’s knee. He couldn’t stand that his friend was hurting for this reason. “D, it wasn’t like that. He guessed. I didn’t go and tell him. He guessed it all on his own. I wouldn’t do that to you. The only person I’d come out to before this was my Ma. I planned on coming out to you next, but I hadn’t got the balls to do it yet. You have to know I’d tell you before I’d tell Nick.”
The smile that bloomed over Howie’s face chased away the last of the tension between them. There wasn’t a wall between them anymore. Once again they were just best friends, sitting with one another. Howie didn’t even flinch at having AJ’s hand on his knee. He reached down and patted it. “Thank you, AJ.”
“Thank you for understanding. I couldn’t bear to lose you as a friend. You’re the best friend a guy could have, Howard.”
The use of Howie’s full first name had both of them smiling. “You too, Alexander.” He teased him back. The two sat back again, drinking their coffee.
Just as AJ settled in to the couch, getting all relaxed, Howie stood up. “Now, I had the room next to Kevin last night, and he had a girl there. So I didn’t get much sleep. Now that we’ve got this out of the way, I’m going to take a nap.”
“Ok, one, gross. Two, sleep away old man.”
Howie stuck his tongue out at AJ as he put his cup in the sink. He started to move down the hallway, but paused right by the bunk area, turning to look back. He called AJ’s name, catching his attention. When AJ looked at him, Howie gave him a big smile. “Brian’s one lucky guy.” He said softly. “I hope he realizes that.”
That said, he climbed inside of his bunk, leaving AJ staring after him, speechless. Then he did the only thing he could do. He threw his head back and laughed.