The very first thing that Brian did when he got back to his room was to lead AJ to the bathroom. Once in there he let go of AJ and started to gather up the supplies necessary to clean him up, yet again. Thank God he always kept a first aid kit in his bathroom bag. It wasn’t uncommon for one of them to get an injury playing ball, or goofing around. Or, though it happened less and less, there were fights like this.
“Strip the shirt off. I need to see your back.” Brian said briskly. He deliberately made his tone brisk because he knew that AJ would need something to latch on to so that he’d be able to ground himself again. Something that would provide him with solid footing. If that was what his friend needed, Brian would provide it for him.
AJ’s eyes found his in the mirror, gratitude bright in them for just a split second before he looked away. It didn’t escape Brian’s notice that when AJ pulled his shirt off, he paused to try and discreetly wipe the tears off his face with it before tossing it onto the counter. Still inconspicuously watching AJ in the mirror, Brian wet some cloths and allowed himself to look, just a little, at AJ’s sculpted abs. His firm biceps. Privately, inside of his mind, Brian could admire and admit to himself how attractive AJ was.
All other thoughts escaped Brian’s mind when he straightened back up and saw AJ’s back for the first time. Jesus. He’d known there’d be a mess, but… “Fuck, AJ.”
Turning his back to the mirror, AJ looked over his shoulder and started to swear steadily. Impressively, too, Brian admitted to himself. Some of those curses he’d never heard before. The skin on AJ’s back was cut and bleeding all over. Pieces of glass stuck in parts of his skin, having torn through his shirt. All in all, his back was a freaking mess. This was going to be hell to clean up.
Lost under his concern for his friend, Brian didn’t even notice that he dropped his walls. He didn’t realize that the pain that was such a constant part of him anymore wasn’t really there for the moment. All he could focus on was the mess on AJ’s back and the pain, both physical and emotional, that he must be in.
As he’d done for fights before, Brian clicked his brain over to ‘nurse’ mode, as the others like to tease him. He grabbed the alcohol and rooted around until he found tweezers. He sterilized his tweezers and then gathered up his other stuff, gesturing AJ from the bathroom. They wouldn’t be able to work like this.
With a curious look AJ followed Brian from the bathroom. They moved toward the bedroom area. Once in there, Brian laid down towels and pointed at the bed. “On your stomach. Try to move your back as little as possible while you do. I need you to lie down so I can pick the glass out.”
Mockingly AJ saluted him before moving gently toward the bed. Brian could see that AJ’s temper was starting to wear off, which meant that all the aches were settling in. He waited until AJ was lying on the bed and settled before he moved over and sat down on the side beside him as carefully as possible. Still he heard AJ hiss. As gently as possible he leaned over and turned the lamp on. Sometime through all of this day had started to turn into night.
“It’s gonna sting like hell.” Brian warned him softly as he picked up his tweezers. He laid a towel across AJ’s ass to give himself something to put the glass pieces in. A part of his mind couldn’t help but admire the muscles that were prominent, even through the marks on the skin. Or the ones that were bunched at his shoulders from the way he had brought his hands up to rest under his head.
“Just get it done, Rok.”
Brian carefully took his tweezers and started to pick out the pieces of glass he could see. It was slow, painstaking work. He was shocked to see that, after the first little twitch, AJ stayed perfectly still. But his muscles were locked in place, almost as if he was forcing his body to stay still with sheer willpower.
He couldn’t just do this silently. He had to talk, to try and distract AJ from what was happening as well as get the answers that he wanted. “Want to tell me what happened in there that had you going off the handle? You said you were going to be calm.”
“I was.” AJ insisted. He had to stop, hissing when Brian plucked out a particularly deep piece of glass. He took a deep breath and amended his answer. “At first, I guess. I tried.”
“What on earth made you lose it so bad, Alex? Bad enough to try to tackle him over a coffee table. You know better than that.” He kept his tone casual, trying to make sure that it didn’t sound too bossy or nagging. That was one way to put AJ’s back up quickly. He didn’t take to being bossed around very well.
The others were continually amazed at how much Brian knew about all of his friends. Little things that made them tick. He didn’t see the big deal about it. When you were friends with someone you took the time to figure them out. To learn their quirks. That made the friendship better and stronger, in Brian’s eyes.
AJ shuffled slightly on the bed, as if better adjusting. But Brian could see the tension in him and knew that AJ was stalling. He bent over AJ’s back, wiping away blood and continuing to pick out glass while he waited him out.
Sure enough AJ eventually caved. He always did. “He lied to me.” The quiet whisper almost didn’t reach Brian’s ears. When it did he furrowed his eyebrows but continued to wait. He knew AJ wasn’t done. “Nick has no problems with my sexuality. He lied to me and manipulated me for his own ends. As thrilled as I am about him not being homophobic, he didn’t stop to think what his game would do…”
This time when AJ trailed off, Brian knew it was safe to fill in the silence. He picked out another piece of glass, wiping it on the towel. “He didn’t stop to think how Kevin and Howie would react, I take it.”
“He didn’t. His bullshit game could cost me two friends, one who’s supposed to be my best friend.”
There was more in AJ’s voice than just anger. Brian chose not to acknowledge it, knowing that it would embarrass AJ to have someone else hear the pain in his voice when he was trying so hard to control it. That was something that Brian was so familiar with.
He wished there was something he could do to help AJ out. A part of him was mentally cursing his best friend. Nick had the best of intentions sometimes, but he tended not to think his plans through all the way. It was a relief to know that Nick wasn’t homophobic. That eased some of Brian’s own tension. But he wondered what Nick’s plan was, and why he had implemented it. Or why Nick had been dumb enough to do the two things in the world that were guaranteed to make AJ the maddest.
Call AJ a fag and he’d kick your ass. But, there’d be a good chance he’d get over his mad and find a way to forgive you. Not right away, cause he could be a grudge holder when the mood took him, but eventually he’d forgive almost anyone.
Lie to him, though. Manipulate him for your own games. Do either one of those and you were risking unleashing that temper of his. You were also most likely destroying any chance of ever having a friendship with him again. They were, in his mind, two of the most unforgivable sins that any person could commit against a friend or loved one.
“I doubt that he thought that far ahead, Age.” Brian said softly, looking over AJ’s skin to try and see if there was any more glass that he’d missed. “I’m sure, in his mind, that he was doing this to help you.”
AJ’s voice surprised Brian, making his head turn. It was pitched low and deep, the rasp more prominent. “He’s just using me to fix someone else. He messed up my friendships without a thought about it because I wasn’t what was important. I was just a means to an end.”
A shaft of pain blasted Brian straight in his heart. He froze, bowing his head. He knew that feeling. Recognized the pain of it in AJ’s voice. But, Brian’s went so much further. So much deeper. He knew the pain of being used for someone else’s game plan. To have what you felt tossed aside as if it meant nothing, and stomped on top of until it felt like there was nothing left. Like what was inside of you was dead and gone, and could never be brought back again. You could only go on through life, a hollow shell of your old self.
Brian hadn’t realized that he was gripping the tweezers tightly in his hand or that he had gritted his eyes shut. Suddenly AJ’s hand touched his, forcing it open until the tweezers fell out, and then lacing their fingers together.
His eyes shot open, finding AJ’s face right below his. Despite the marks that must have hurt, AJ had shifted to his side and was propped up on one elbow. There was something in his gaze that had Brian humbled and terrified all at the same time. It hinted at things that he had sworn to himself he would never feel again. But he couldn’t bring himself to look away.
Almost as if he was reading Brian’s mind, AJ nodded a little. “Someone hurt you.” He spoke softly, those raspy words piercing Brian straight to his soul. All he could do was nod in response. Words failed him as he stared into AJ’s beautiful eyes. “I’m not them, Bri.”
“I know.” Brian croaked. This was the closest he had ever come to talking to anyone about what had happened to him. “I can’t help it.”
“I’ll wait for you.” The words were said with such sincerity, love, and patience.
Brian felt tears fill his eyes. He couldn’t tell AJ what had happened; he couldn’t tell anyone. But he couldn’t sit here and lie to him. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get better. I don’t know if I can trust someone that deeply again.”
Again AJ nodded at him. He squeezed Brian’s hand, their fingers still laced together. “I can respect that. But I have to try.” He said raspily. Brian watched as AJ took a deep breath. The words he said next were not what Brian had expected. “I’ve loved you for years, Brian Thomas Littrell. I’ll wait all the time in the world for you. There’s no one else for me, and I know that.”
“I’m not worth your love.” The words slipped past Brian’s lips before he even knew it. In them was all the pain he felt from that bruised and bloody part of his heart.
AJ sat up further, his free hand coming up. He ran the backs of his knuckles down Brian’s cheek. “I think you are. You’re worth all that and so much more, Brian.”
In the face of that Brian found that he had no words. All he could do was lean into AJ’s hand as it turned to cup his cheek. He closed his eyes. A soft kiss was pressed against his forehead. But AJ didn’t speak again. They sat there together, each one hurting in their own way, and each one thinking long thoughts.
Finally it was Brian who broke the silence. “I can’t make promises.” He whispered so softly that AJ almost didn’t hear him. “But don’t give up on me.”
A smile curved AJ’s lips. “I don’t plan on it.” He replied.