Voices outside the hotel room door caught both men’s attention enough to pull them from their conversation. Brian almost instantly tensed back up, the shutters going back down over his eyes. AJ realized that it wasn’t really so much a tensing, but a locking down. Brian was locking away himself behind this shield he had created. In the past five minutes Brian had been more himself than ever.
AJ knew that the confession of Brian’s sexuality wasn’t what was causing this look in Brian’s eyes, or the way that he was pulling back from them. But, there was a connection. For a moment he sat there, stewing in the possibilities, as well as the shock of finding out the man he wanted wasn’t as straight as he’d thought. It helped it click in his mind that Brian was upset with Nick too. Not just for saying that word to AJ, but for the fact that he used it at all. Then the voices in the hallway registered in his mind.
In a flash AJ was off the couch. He made it all the way to the door before Brian caught him in a bear hug. There was nothing AJ could do without hurting Brian, and he refused to do that, so he was stuck for a moment. “Brian, let me go.”
“I’m not letting you go pound on him again.” Brian said simply. “One, the last thing either of you need is more bruises and blood. Two, we have some shows and press and commitments that we need to look a certain way for. How you going to do that if you two break something on one another? You’re already going to have to keep your shades on for a while, and makeup is going to kill you.”
“Fuck makeup!” AJ growled out.
Suddenly inspired, AJ let his body go limp and become deadweight. He sank toward the ground, sliding from Brian’s grip. Unprepared for that, Brian lost his hold on AJ for a minute. The instant that he was free, AJ lunged for the door handle. He grunted when Brian’s body weight pinned him against the door solidly.
At another time, AJ would have been totally turned on by this. Right then he only wanted to go out and pound Nick to the ground, finishing what he’d started outside.
But he forced his temper to take a small drop back down. No one else he knew but Brian was capable of doing that to him. Anyone else and he’d just push past them and do what he wanted to. But with Brian’s beautiful blue eyes staring at him, and that sweet voice trying to stop him, how could he resist? It seemed that his temper just, melted a little. Allowed reason to sink in.
Brian felt AJ relax and hesitantly loosened his grip. “You calmer now?” he asked him.
For a second AJ didn’t answer. He didn’t know how to answer. Then he sighed and let some of the tension fade from his body. “Maybe a little.” He grumbled. But his eyes locked with Brian’s. “I am going to talk to him, though, or things are going to get worse and worse. I can’t let one word fuck up our entire group. Him calling me a fag isn’t worth ruining our career for.”
AJ didn’t miss the way that Brian flinched at hearing him say ‘fag’. But Brian didn’t say anything about it. He simply looked into AJ’s eyes for a moment as if he was searching for something, and then stepped quietly back, releasing him.
Calmer now, AJ stepped toward the door. He stopped with his hand on the door handle as something came into his brain. Turning back, he reached a hand out to gently cup Brian’s cheek. Surprise filled those blue eyes, but Brian didn’t move away from him. “I’m sorry he hurt you too, Brian.” AJ said in a voice gone low and soft. That was it. Then he turned back and opened the door to step out and find Nick fucking Carter and talk to him.
It really took everything that AJ had not to launch down the hallway when he saw Kevin and Howie leading a bruised and bloody Nick to his door. But he somehow managed to keep his calm as he walked to them. Three sets of eyes turned to stare at AJ apprehensively. Kevin even made to move between him and Nick.
“Relax, Train. I’m just coming to talk to him.” AJ said evenly. He felt Brian’s presence behind him and tried to allow it to soothe him.
“You sure, Age? I mean, I’ve never seen you that pissed before.” Kevin said slowly. His words didn’t bother AJ in the least. What caught AJ’s attention was Kevin’s tone and the way his body shifted slightly away from AJ. Looking into the older man’s eyes, AJ saw what he’d been afraid of seeing. Kevin knew he was gay now and wasn’t comfortable about it. He didn’t outright bash AJ, but it was obvious that he wasn’t at ease. Looking to Howie, he could see the same thing in his best friends eyes.
That made AJ’s voice a little sharper than normal. “I’m sure. Now would you move and let the hulking blond speak for himself?”
Still Kevin seemed to hesitate. What saved the moment from erupting into another fight was Brian. He stepped around AJ and put a hand on Kevin’s arm to get him to step back. “Back off, Kev. This is between them right now.” No one else but Brian ever stood up to Kevin and got away with it so easily. But he did, and it got Kevin to step out of the way.
“Can we trust him to keep his cool?” Kevin was talking about him as if he wasn’t standing right there listening to him. That sent AJ’s temper back through the roof. He took a step forward, not quite sure what he was going to do, but Brian looked over at him and AJ found himself held by those beautiful blue eyes.
For just a minute he saw beyond the shield again, down past it to his friends heart. “Please, Alex.” Brian whispered softly.
How could he resist that? Much to the shock of everyone around them, AJ gave Brian a soft nod and stepped back to his original place.
Nick didn’t speak. He didn’t have to. He looked at AJ for a moment and gave a small nod before opening his door and gesturing for AJ to follow him. Together they stepped in the room and shut the door.
Neither one spoke for a short moment. AJ stared at the kid who’d been a good friend of his for years now. Someone that he’d always trusted, and had always tried to look out for, really. To kind of protect. Not in a parent sense like Kevin could do, or even Howie. More like, an older brother with his younger brother. Even if it was just to himself AJ could admit that this was part of his problem. He felt as if a family member had just fucked him over.
“We need to make some kind of peace, for the sake of the band.” AJ found himself saying. Even he was surprised at how flat his voice sounded, and how cold.
“I agree.”
“Well we’re stuck for shit here then. You think I’m a fag and I think you’re a spineless little shit.”
Nick shrugged, walking away to get a bottle of water from the mini fridge. His entire body was loose and relaxed in a way that made AJ’s lip curl in annoyance. “Sounds like we understand each other perfectly. I don’t see what there is to discuss.” Nick tossed coldly over his shoulder.
Underneath his temper, AJ felt hurt. Hurt by this kid who was supposed to be his brother, and who was supposed to stand by him. It made him lash out with his words. “You’re one heartless son of a bitch, Carter. You going to let your fucking homophobia destroy our fucking group or what?”
“I don’t want the group ruined.” The softness of Nick’s voice had AJ’s back going up.
What right did Nick have to sound as if he was so upset? This was his fault! Temper snapped inside of AJ, making him ache to swing his balled up fists. The ache in his hands throbbed lightly, but it was barely on the edge of his temper. Just as he opened his mouth to snap, thoughts of Brian out in the hallway had him freezing. The way that he had stuck up for him against Kevin, trusting him to do the right thing. Sticking up for him, and having utter faith that AJ would behave. He couldn’t bring himself to prove that faith and trust wrong.
So he took a deep breath and flexed his fingers. With a roll of his shoulders he pushed away as much of the tension as he possibly could. “I can respect if you have a problem with my sexuality, Nick.” He kept his voice even, needing that cushion to hide behind. God, he wished he had his shades to hide his eyes!
He had to settle for walking to the patio and staring out while wishing for a cigarette. “I can even respect if you won’t associate with me beyond what’s necessary. But I won’t have it mess up our band.” Here he made the biggest concession in his entire life. One that hurt his heart deeply. “If it makes it easier, I promise not to flaunt it in front of you or even Kevin, apparently. I’ll be discreet when I’m at home, and while I’m on the road…”
AJ had to stop himself for a minute to clear his throat. There was a knot there that was trying to rise up, but he forced it back down. With his eyes closed he never saw Nick freeze in mid turn, or the horror that was on his friends face. AJ kept his eyes closed, afraid that if he looked he would see disgust on Nick’s face. Afraid that if he opened them, the tears would come. He would do his damndest to never let Nick know how bad he had hurt him. How much this was going to hurt.
When he spoke again his voice was gruff. “I’m not ashamed of who I am or what I feel. I have no humiliation in being gay. But while I’m on the road, I promise I won’t even touch another man in a sexual way. Not because I’m embarrassed or shit like that, but because I can respect that our band comes first.” Even if it broke his heart in little pieces.
Nick couldn’t have any idea what AJ was giving up with this. There was no way he could know that Brian was gay, and how much it meant to AJ to find that out. How, by making this promise to Nick, he was effectively cutting himself off from trying to court Brian. The one man in the world he loved and wanted more than anything else. But he would do it. For the sake of the Backstreet Boys, he would give up the one thing in the world that he wanted more than anything.
Turning away from the patio doors, AJ straightened his shoulders. Nothing on the outside showed the turmoil inside. His face was calm, his eyes cold, his body relaxed. Inside, he was sobbing. It wasn’t fair! Not now. Not when he had just found out that he might have a small speck of a chance with the person he loved.
Ruthlessly he shoved those cries down, hardening his heart so that when he looked at Nick his face was an expressionless mask.
Nick’s face, on the other hand, threw AJ back on his heels. There was pain and sorrow and guilt there, all mixed together into one. “AJ.” He said hoarsely. Speechless, AJ watched as Nick covered his face with his hands. What the hell was going on here? “Oh, God, AJ. I’m an idiot. This isn’t what was supposed to happen.”
“Wasn’t supposed to happen?” AJ repeated him. He knew he sounded stupid, but he didn’t care. What the fuck was going on?
“No!” Nick cried out. He dropped his hands down, his face anguished. “Why the hell do you have to be so fucking noble inside, huh? I didn’t think you’d react that way!”
Confusion had AJ furrowing his eyebrows. But pieces of Nick’s words came together, slowly painting a picture in his mind. Suspicion grew. AJ thought back to when he’d been talking with Nick, before he’d called him a fag. There’d been no animosity there. Nothing to suggest that Nick was bothered at all by him. He couldn’t have figured out AJ was gay just while sitting there, so that meant he had to have known, which meant…
AJ’s eyes shot back to Nick’s face, and this time they were full of emotion. Anger had them practically flashing. “You lied to me.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. But Nick answered it anyways, his face suddenly wary. “I was just trying to force the two of you to stop pining for one another. I know he cares about you. I know he’s gay. An I know you care about him.”
“So you called me a fag?” AJ screeched, taking one step forward. “That was your master plan? Where’s the fucking logic in that!”
“There’s something going on with him, and it’s not him being gay! Something happened to him, AJ!” Nick hissed furiously, his voice pitched low in case anyone was listening in the hallways. “All I know is he got drunk one night and told me he was gay, and that he thought you were hot. But I’ve watched him! It’s more, AJ. It has to be more! But something happened to him, and whatever it is was bad. Enough that he’s terrified to take that step. I know you like him too.”
Calmer now, Nick ran a hand through his hair. “I couldn’t stand seeing my two friends hurt. So I did it hoping that you two would get together. I knew to push you at him, I had to piss you off, cause when you’re pissed at someone you’ll do anything to prove them wrong. That’s why I made the bet. So you would finally get the balls to do what you needed to do.”
So many different emotions were warring inside of AJ. Shock, pain, anger, resignation, love for his friend, joy at knowing that Brian found him attractive, rage that Nick would do this. If there was one thing in the world that AJ couldn’t stand, it was to be lied to or to be manipulated. He’d had that done one too many times.
“So you do all this by fighting with me and calling me a little fag?” AJ whispered. He didn’t know if he could trust himself to speak any louder. His whole body felt tight, as if he was waiting for something. What, he didn’t know. His emotions had yet to settle on their roller coaster.
Nick shrugged his shoulders. “It worked, right? Brian already told you he’s gay from the sounds of it. Soon he’ll open up the rest to you.”
The pain and the rage were what finally won out inside of AJ. His hands balled into fists at his sides. “Do you even realize what you’ve done?” The tone of AJ’s voice was like razorblades against your skin. Sharp and painful. He saw Nick take a step back in response, but he didn’t care. “Because you had to involve me in your little game, do you realize what else you did?”
Nick was speechless. He found himself backing away as AJ advanced, and thinking to himself that this was not good. There was so much hurt and anger in AJ’s eyes; more than he’d ever seen there. “Age…”
On a roll, AJ spoke right over top of him. “You hurt me, Nicholas. Underneath the anger, that shit fucking hurt. Not only that, but you hurt Brian. Did you think about that? Your words hurt him too. Made him afraid to tell anyone else for fear of rejection.”
Pain flashed over Nick’s face, but AJ kept right on going, stalking forward. “Not only that, but you may have honestly fucked things up with the others. Did you see how Kevin was around me? Or D? Not even fucking comfortable standing by me!”
To AJ’s everlasting fury, a few tears leaked from his eyes, dripping toward the ground. He dashed them away angrily.
Seeing them, Nick stepped forward, a hand extended. That was his mistake.
AJ launched forward, full body slamming Nick to the ground. The momentum of their fall carried them back into the coffee table. As they fell they twisted, so it was AJ’s back that hit the glass surface, Nick right on top of him. AJ paid no notice to his back. When Nick climbed off of him, he tried to scramble up, almost managing to tackle him again.
He hadn’t heard the door whip open, but suddenly Brian was in front of him. There was anger on Brian’s face, and he was already speaking as he quickly grabbed hold of AJ’s wrists. “Dammit, Age! I trusted you to keep…” Brian’s words trailed off when he caught sight of AJ’s face.
Yet again AJ wished he had his shades. He ducked his head, knowing that his face was streaked with tears, and not wanting any of them to see. All he wanted was to be as far away as possible from this room. But Brian tipped his face back to him, even as the others in the room were helping Nick and exclaiming over the broken coffee table.
The pain and heartache in Brian’s eyes met the pain and heartache in AJ’s eyes. They weren’t the same, not at all. The one in Brian was deeper, and on such a delicate soul. But they had a moment of understanding and shared pain.
Gently Brian turned AJ to face the door, away from everyone in the room. Then Brian looked at the others. “I’m going to clean him up. I suggest you guys clean up Nick. Then I think everyone needs to stay away from everyone else tonight.”
Everyone nodded to his advice, and Brian quietly led his friend from the room, keeping him turned so that no one saw his tears. If there was one thing that Brian understood, it was pride. Pride that kept you from showing others your weaknesses. His own pride was wrapped around him like a cloak, holding his own pain deep inside. But, maybe, for the first time, there might be someone who would understand. Who would have ever thought that it would be AJ, of all people?