Temper stayed with AJ as Brian hauled him further and further away. All he wanted to do was break free and go pound that little shit into the ground. Call him a fag, would he? He’d show him fag. He’d fucking beat his ass into the ground and then they’d see who the fucking fag was. God!
Brian was making it impossible for him to get back over there, though. The last thing that AJ wanted to do was hurt Brian, so he was left trying to escape without causing damage, which was almost impossible. “Damn it, Brian, would you just fucking move already?” AJ finally snapped out. Brian just kept herding him along, getting him in the back doors and then into the elevator.
Only once the elevator doors closed did Brian actually let go of him. “Have you calmed down yet?” Brian asked in his best ‘parent’ voice. It grated on AJ’s nerves and he found himself snapping out “Fuck yourself.” Without even thinking.
“I’ll take that as a no. Ok then.” Brian just shrugged. When the doors opened he took hold of AJ’s arm, leading him down the hallway. Once he reached a door, Brian pulled his keycard out and opened it, shoving AJ inside before following and shutting the door behind him.
“Dammit, Brian! Quit manhandling me!” AJ cursed, spinning to glare at him.
“Calm down and I won’t have to.” Was Brian’s unruffled reply. “I know Nick pissed you off, but killing him isn’t the answer.” As he spoke he moved into the kitchen area of the suite, heading straight for the fridge.
AJ crossed his arms and glared around the room, aching for something to pound on. “Sure seemed answer enough to me. The little fucking shit deserved every fucking bruise I gave him.” Still pissed, he kicked at the chair near him. “Who the fuck does he think he is? Pulling that bullshit. What the fuck business is it of his who I choose to fuck?”
Over in the kitchen Brian was busy putting ice into a towel. He kept his mouth shut, dealing with his own hurt at hearing Nick say that word. He also knew AJ well enough to know that this temper wasn’t going to end until he got it all out of his system. So he gathered up his homemade ice pack quietly and walked over to him. Without speaking he caught AJ’s hand and brought it up, pressing the icepack on top of it. AJ took it automatically, still glaring around the room.
Next Brian got a washcloth and wet it down. Still quiet, he came back over and took AJ’s arm, leading the grumbling man over to the couch and forcing him to sit. Then he set about cleaning up all the blood. For a few minutes he worked in silence. AJ sat and stewed, plotting ways to get back at Nick for what he’d said, and not coming up with anything. All he could feel, under the anger, was a huge sense of hurt.
This was one of the main reasons why he had yet to come out to his friends. Fear that this would be the reaction.
“I’m sorry that he hurt you, Age.”
Brian’s words caught AJ by surprise. He tried to downplay it, purposely misunderstanding Brian’s words. “Fucker hits like a bitch.” He grumbled. “He didn’t hurt me.”
“AJ.” Just his name, but it was enough to have AJ turning his head to look at him. Brian paused in wiping the blood off of AJ’s hand so that he could look him in the eyes. “You know that’s not what I meant. He had no right to say that to you, and I’m sorry he did.”
Taking a deep breath, AJ sighed it out and tried to chase the tension away. “It’s not your fault, Bri. Everyone has their opinions. Reactions like his are why I haven’t really told anyone that I’m gay. I don’t care what people’s opinions are about something this important, but I do care that they aren’t respectful.” When he said the last part he saw the surprise jump into Brian’s eyes. Suddenly Brian was bent over his hand again, wiping away the blood. “So it’s true then? I wasn’t sure if he was just being a shit, or what.”
“I am, Bri. No matter what anyone else thinks of it, that’s who I am. But it doesn’t mean that I have to tolerate the slurs. Or the bullshit.”
The room grew quiet for a little while as Brian moved from one hand to the other and AJ continued to stew. Then, very softly, Brian asked “Have you ever told anyone else?”
“My mom.” AJ answered easily. He found his temper melting away underneath Brian’s gentle ministrations, but something else waking up. Focusing on the conversation helped to control that part of him that was extremely attracted to the blond bombshell that was cleaning him up. “She was pretty cool about it once the idea sunk in. Now’s she’s my biggest supporter. But even if she hadn’t approved, well, it still would have been who I am. It would have broken my heart to lose her, but I won’t live a lie for anyone. I have to be true to me.”
AJ looked up when he felt Brian’s hand stop. Brown eyes met blue. “Even if she’d threatened to walk out of your life, you still would have stayed this way?” Brian asked in shock.
There was something going on here. AJ could sense it. But the only thing that made sense seemed almost impossible. He chose his answer carefully. “It’s not a choice, Brian. This is me. I didn’t just wake up one day and say to myself ‘I think I’ll be gay’. It’s just a part of who I am. How could I be anything else for anyone and still be me?”
His words seemed to set Brian back for a minute. He went completely quiet, staring down at the washcloth in his hand. Still without speaking he set about washing the blood off of AJ again. For that moment AJ decided to let Brian sit with whatever thoughts were in his mind. If Brian wanted to speak, he would. But AJ didn’t think that pushing a conversation right then would do either of them any good. There was something going on with Brian. Maybe whatever was in his mind now was a part of it.
Suddenly Brian spoke again, though he never stopped his ministrations, nor did he look up. “I wish I had your strength, AJ.”
Those words had AJ’s heart aching. He forgot all about his fight with Nick in the face of Brian’s obvious pain. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.” He softly told his friend. But Brian was already shaking his head. “I’m not. I care too much what people say about me. I’m not strong enough to just let it roll off my back, or to fight it out with them. I just take it. I take it and take it until I feel like I’m going to break into a million pieces. Then, somehow, I take even more.”
Jesus Christ, what had happened to him? What had been done to this sweet man? There was so much heartache in his voice that it almost brought tears to AJ’s eyes. “You’ve always had the softest heart of all of us. It’s one of your best qualities, Bri. There’s no shame in caring about people.”
“But there is in letting them walk all over you. How do you do it, AJ?” With his heart in his eyes Brian looked up at him. That hint of trouble that AJ had been sensing inside of Brian lately, the one that had been worrying him, was strong and bright on those beautiful features. AJ wanted to reach out and wrap him tightly in his arms and hold him until the pain was gone. The other part wanted to find whoever had put that look there and pound their ass into the ground. “Do what?” he finally asked.
Brian set the washcloth on the coffee table before running a hand through his hair. “How do you stand up to people like that? If Nick had called me that name, I would have been hurt and pissed, but I probably would have walked away. How do you always have the strength to stand up for yourself like that, no matter what anyone else says or thinks?”
“I just, I learned the hard way I guess.” AJ sat back against the couch as he thought about his words. He wanted to make sure that he said this the right way. “I used to get picked on, and people tried to walk all over me. When you’re the scrawny kid, it makes you an easy target. I’ve always been different, too, which made it worse. I learned to be the way I am out of self-defense. There were times as a kid that it was either stand up for myself, or get my ass kicked while I cowered. If I was going to get my ass kicked, I wanted to at least do it with my pride intact.”
“But what about with Nick? I mean, he’s supposed to be a friend. Almost like a brother. To have someone that close be that degrading, it would devastate me. But you didn’t react by being hurt. You reacted by being angry.”
This seemed oddly important to Brian. It was too difficult to try to analyze why it was that he was asking these questions, so AJ focused his mind on just answering them. “The thing is, temper like that is fueled by hurt. It hurt me more than he’ll ever know to hear him call me a fag. I could understand if he didn’t like me being gay, but not that level of intolerance. But if I went off and cried and let it eat at me, I don’t know, it’d be like letting him win. Giving him power over me.”
That seemed to give Brian something to think about. He was quiet for a moment. Finally he looked back up at AJ, and it was the most open look he’d had since they had come back from their break. There wasn’t that thin shield over his eyes that kept people out. His heart was in them, and it looked broken. “But the strength to come out to anyone at all. The bravery to do it amazes me. How did you get past the nerves, or the fear?”
Inside, AJ felt himself reeling in shock. There was no denying the look that Brian wore, or the way he asked that question. Holy mother fucking God. But on the outside he managed to keep his composure. To stay calm, and answer in a steady voice. “It’s like stepping up on stage. The nerves may eat at you, and you might feel like you’re going to forget the words you need to use, or you feel sick to your stomach. But you just kind of suck it up, lock it away, and do what you have to. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, to come out to my mom. But I sat there in front of her, letting her talk, and suddenly I knew I had to say it or I was never going to get the courage to do it again. So I just blurted it out. Stunned her, but it was said, it was out there, and I couldn’t take it back.”
Brian grew silent again, and AJ’s mind took advantage of the time to run a million miles a minute over their conversation. Was this what had been bugging Brian? This? Was he gay, and was terrified to admit it? The question he was asking was leading to that kind of assumption. But could simply being gay cause this level of stress and pain in Brian’s eyes? He didn’t think so. Something told him that, even if it was true, there was more to it than simply coming out of the closet.
That small part of his thoughts was suddenly confirmed when Brian looked down at his hands and spoke, his voice loud and clear, yet quavering slightly. “I’m gay.”
This was a crucial moment. AJ knew he had to respond in just the right way, or it would devastate Brian totally. He was such a sensitive soul. So even as AJ’s heart skipped a beat at having Brian, the man he had loved and lusted after for way too long, tell him that he was gay, he had to make himself be calm and think clearly.
“I kind of thought that’s where these questions were leading.” AJ said softly, drawing Brian’s eyes back up to him. There was fear in them, though what he would be afraid of, AJ wasn’t entirely sure. It wasn’t like he was going to criticize him for being gay, what with AJ being the same way and all. “Does that mean I can hit on you now?” he teased.
The worry in Brian’s eyes wiped away under surprise. For a second AJ thought that maybe he had overstepped and played this wrong. But then everything slid off of Brian’s face but humor. It was the happiest that AJ had seen him in a while. When Brian started to laugh, AJ couldn’t help but grin at seeing him smile and laugh again.
“Oh God, Age.” Brian said, wiping at his face when he was done. “How do you do that? You take my stress and just make it disappear.”
“Man, I aint telling you all my secrets.” Grinning, AJ settled back comfortably again. “How do I do this, how do I do that. You just want to know all the shit. But I can’t tell you all of it. If I did, well…you know the rest of that.”
That brought another chuckle from Brian. “You’re such a nerd.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
AJ sighed. “Ok, maybe a little.”
Brian’s laughter echoed off the walls.