How on earth was he supposed to concentrate? The last month had gone by so slow. It had been difficult for him to think about anything but the fact that AJ was off in treatment. Recovering from alcohol, cocaine, medication. There wasn't a day that went by that Brian didn't beat himself up over it. Why hadn't he seen anything?
He sat at his kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee, and staring at the newest letter from his friend. They'd been writing constantly the whole time that AJ was gone. The younger man had refused visitors, saying that he needed to do this on his own. He didn't take phone calls either. But, at the behest of his counselor, he'd started to write to each of the boys.
It had surprised, and pleased, Brian to discover that the others received a letter each week, but Brian got a letter almost every other day.
He tore the end of the envelope open. Reading these letters were the only thing that kept him from worrying too much. It was hard not to be able to see AJ, talk to him face to face. The only one who knew the way that Brian really felt about his band mate was Nick. A year ago, when Brian had been hurting after another night of watching AJ crash and burn, he'd ended up spilling way too much to Nick. To his surprise, Nick hadn't judged him. He'd held him, and let him cry out his frustration.
Since then, Nick had insisted more than once that AJ felt the same way. But Brian had never been able to bring himself to test that theory. He was comfortable now, with who he was and how he felt. But he refused to do anything to jeopardize the friendship he had with AJ.
Bringing himself back to the present, Brian kicked back in his chair and set about reading his newest letter.
Dear Brian
Hey fucker, what's up? Just got out of another counseling session, an found a letter from you waiting for me. You write the weirdest fucking letters, Rok. Gotta say.
Any who. I was talking with my counselor about some heavy shit today.
I made all my apology letters to you guys. Won't be the same until I can say it all face to face, but that'll be soon enough. I'm almost done here. Today we got to talking about things I want out of my life. That fucker flat out told me I was scared. Scared to reach out to people, to let them touch me. I tried to tell him plenty of people had touched me, but he said that didn't count that way. :)
We talked about love, too. Different kinds of it. How much I love my mom, and all you guys. An about being in Love. Notice the italics I put on that. Yeah. That kind. The kind with the capital L. I told him I knew what that was. We talked about it a lot. It seemed significant to me that when he asked me about the people that I care about, the things that make me happy, they all had to do with you.
He pointed that out to me. Now, I always knew I swung all ways, so to speak. The ever crazy AJ! But he wanted me to focus not on AJ, but on Alex. That's what started me thinking on you. You may call me AJ sometimes, but mostly to you, I've always been Alex. I realized that I loved the way you call me that. The way you have a different tone for my name to go with each mood you're in, or depending on what I’ve done lol.
So, instead of rambling, I'm gonna be blunt. Another trait I'm famous for. I discovered today that I've been hiding from myself, and from what I feel for you, for a long time. I know that you're my straight as they come choir boy, and that the chances of you ever loving me in return are nil. But I had to let you know, that big L word, I think that describes what I feel for you. Your letters make me smile like no one else. Apparently my counselor says that you come up more often than anything else in my life.
So, this is my confession. If you don't write me back I understand. But I had to say it.
XO!
Alex
For a moment Brian was speechless. He had to reread the letter three, four times before he really grasped it. Then, all he could do was rush to his office to pen his reply.
Alex,
You big fool! Not write you, are you kidding me???? OK, seriously, I have to say this, enough with the 'choir boy' bull. So I was raised with faith. So I went to church. Does that really make that big of an impact on who I am in your eyes? I get annoyed with the nicknames. An we all know what happens when I get annoyed :|
Now for my own confession. Alexander James, you are blind if you don't know that I've been in love with you for far too long. Ask Nick if you don't believe me. He's known for a year. So, that's that. You know my own big secret. It's why it was so hard for me to watch you go through this. I wanted so much to be there for you, and felt like if I could just get up the gumption to tell you how I felt, maybe I could have helped you.
Ah well, I'm sitting here in my office now just about bouncing around. I feel like Nick when he's had waaaaayy too much coffee. Remember seeing that? Poor Howie. Traumatized for life I think. Kevin never did let the kid touch that stuff again.
SO, now the cat's outta the bag. I wrote you back. Ball's in your court, now. Uh, no pun intended. Or, well, maybe there is. I haven't decided. I'll get back to you on that one. Or, maybe I won't. Hmm...something to think about.
Big XO!
Brian
PS: I'm not a fucker!