AJ was ten different kinds of nervous as he and Brian made the trip to join the rest of the band. He couldn’t focus, had no idea where they were even going to. All through the plane ride, and then the cab ride, he worried. Would he really be able to do this? Could he manage to get through touring again? Sure, he was making progress in his therapy. Jessica was easy to talk to, and she helped it a lot. But did that mean he was ready to be back on the road, tempted by easy access to drugs and alcohol, surrounded by people? Half the time he still couldn’t stand to have someone touch him.
What if he had a nightmare in the hotel? One of the ones that he woke himself by screaming. Would Brian still be able to be there, or would he be in his own room? It was one thing to share a bed in the privacy of a secluded house. Another entirely to do it in a hotel where others could find out. Where housekeepers could grow suspicious that one room wasn’t being slept in, and they could go report it to the press.
The closer the cab got to the hotel, the more AJ’s panic grew. He wasn’t ready for this. He couldn’t do all of this alone. Not if it meant that Brian wouldn’t be there for him. Someway, somehow, Brian had got under his defenses. He was the only one that AJ could handle a casual touch with. He was the only one who could pull AJ out of a panic attack just by holding him and talking to him. What if he had one around the others? Or at a show? They might find out the truth. Then they’d know. They’d know how dirty he was, and used, and worthless.
AJ jolted in his seat when he felt the warmth of Brian’s hand closing over his. He looked over at the man who had become his lifeline and saw the small smile Brian wore as he looked out the window. That did more to reassure him than a thousand words could have. Brian wasn’t going to leave him alone. How they would work things out, he didn’t know. But they would work out something. He had to have faith in that. If he lost his faith in Brian, he would go crazy. It would be too easy to sink back down into that dark hole he’d been in. As it was, he was holding himself up by his fingernails.
When they reached the hotel, AJ mourned the loss of Brian’s hand, but he knew they couldn’t walk in holding on to one another. So instead he slid his sunglasses on and slung his bag over his shoulder. His hands slid deep in his pockets as they walked into the busy lobby. Somehow they’d managed to get in before the droves of fans started to camp outside. Amazing.
Brian checked them both in, and handed AJ his key with a smile. Still silent, they stepped into the elevator together, where Brian pressed the button to take them to his floor. Good thing he knew, because AJ couldn’t have said what floor they were on to save his own life. Hell, he didn’t even know his room number.
The higher the elevator climbed, the more his panic started to come back. Shortly he’d have to face the other members of the band. What was he going to say? What would he do? His heart picked up speed. What if they tried to hug him? Would he be able to maintain his composure through it, or would he shame himself by flinching away from them?
Yet again, Brian reached out at just the right time, giving AJ’s arm a light squeeze in a show of support. Over the past month they had become so close. There were times where no words were needed between them to convey a message. They could speak volumes with a look, a touch. It grounded AJ in ways he hadn’t known he’d needed.
The elevator dinged before opening, making AJ practically jump out of his skin. In his pocket he started to pick at his thumb, trying to control the nerves that spread in him like wildfire. He kept his head down and his hat slightly low, allowing Brian to lead him to his room. They were right next to one another, and they both tossed their bags in as usual before stepping back out.
Brian stood in the empty hallway and stared at AJ’s face. “We don’t have to go see them yet.” He said softly. But AJ was already shaking his head. He would rather get it over and done with, so he could go to his room and hide for a while. Better to get it out of the way. It shamed him that he was so panicked at the thought of going to see the men who were his brothers. “I have to.” He mumbled, not sure if Brian would understand. He had to prove to himself that he could. If he couldn’t even handle seeing them, how did he expect to be able to tour? This was something he had to do, for himself. Something on Brian’s face told AJ that his friend did understand.
Together they walked down the hall. Brian led them straight to one door, so he must have been texting with Kevin to know which room was his. Without even knocking Brian walked right in. Kevin never left his door locked on tour. He always had an open door policy with all of them.
As soon as the door opened, laughter echoed out at them. Though he didn’t know why, it set AJ further on edge. He stayed slightly behind Brian and let him lead the way into the room. As expected, when the door shut everyone turned to see who had joined them. Nick was closest and he turned toward Brian, wrapping him in a hug. “Hey, man, we missed you! You been hiding on us?” he exclaimed, slapping Brian on the back.
“You better believe it, freak.” Brian laughed.
At one point in time, AJ would have joined in the teasing. He would have been flinging the smart ass remarks just like the rest of them. Now, he couldn’t get his mouth to work. His throat felt dry and his voice had disappeared. Oh god. He couldn’t do this. No, no way.
Howie slapped Brian’s back on his way past him. He wore a wide grin, and was walking directly toward AJ. He could see it coming, and felt the panic start to peak. His breath started to wheeze a little, enough to warn him that a panic attack was trying to come on. He was trying to force it down, but it was building.
But he was saved by Brian. His friend spun, catching Howie in a headlock right after he had slapped Brian’s back. With a laugh he messed up Howie’s hair, something they all loved to do. “Good to see you too, D!” he teased as he let him go. Anyone would have thought it was just normal Brian, but AJ saw the wink that Brian threw his way.
They all walked further into the room. AJ kept himself back, close to the door and with a wall at his back. It wasn’t logical, because he knew his friends would never do anything to hurt him. But that terror was there that came from being in the same room with a group of men. Men who, if they chose, could overpower him easily.
All of them were talking at once, laughing and exchanging stories. In the pretense of getting a drink, AJ escaped back toward the kitchen and grabbed a glass. He was filling it with water at the sink when Howie stepped away from everyone and came in. Busy with Nick, Brian didn’t notice. So AJ was left cornered in the kitchen with the man who had used to be his best friend. All he felt was terror. Terror, and shame at being afraid of his friend.
“You’re looking better.” Howie said, smiling at him. Everything about him was friendly, and non-threatening, but AJ couldn’t help the threatened feeling that he had. “Uh, thanks.” He managed to get out. He took a drink of his water, trying to wash away the dry feeling in his throat. It went down like lead.
“Sure missed the hell out of you. But I can understand why you didn’t want contact while you were there. I’m just glad you got help. I’m proud of you, Age.”
Oh God, this was so much harder than he had thought it would be! Now he had the added guilt of lying to the people he loved. “I wasn’t at a center.” He blurted out. Silence fell over the whole room. AJ looked at them all, realizing that he had said his words louder than he’d intended. They were all watching him now, and the confusion in the room was palpable. “What do you mean? Kevin said you went to a treatment center to get off the drugs and the alcohol.” Howie said slowly.
AJ could have kicked himself for ever opening his mouth. His heart picked up pace again, so fast that he was surprised they all couldn’t hear it. Why had he been so stupid as to say that? There was no going back from it now. “I, I was at Bri’s house.”
“Bri’s house?” Nick echoed, looking from Brian to AJ and back again. On Brian’s face was a world of sympathy and support. AJ drew strength from it. The guys didn’t have to know the whole truth, but they deserved some of it. They deserved not to be lied to. “Bri hooked me up with a counselor and we stayed at a vacation home of his. The chick came out to the house to help me, instead of me going anywhere.”
“But, Kev said you were at a center. That we couldn’t call or see you cause you didn’t want to be around anyone while you recovered?” Nick’s voice was hurt, and his expression wounded. Howie just watched AJ, looking concerned.
The others moved in to the kitchen so that they weren’t shouting across the room. Though the kitchen was large, AJ felt boxed in. His back was to the counter, but all of his exits were blocked. They had him pretty much trapped. “I just, I mean…I didn’t want to see anyone.” AJ stammered out. He wished now that he had just kept his mouth closed and let them think what they wanted to think.
“But you stayed with Brian?” Nick continued to prod. “Why him but not the rest of us?”
“Nick,” Brian said warningly. But Nick just brushed him off and continued to talk. “Why would you lie to us, and ignore us? We just wanted to be there for you.”
AJ felt his air start to wheeze in and out of him. He gripped his glass tightly in his hand, eyes darting around to try to find a way out. Brian noticed it and started to step in to help him, but Howie moved first. He reached for AJ, saying “We’re here to support you now.”
Brian tried to move quickly, but he wasn’t fast enough to stop Howie from taking hold of AJ’s arm. So many things happened at once then. AJ felt the panic attack slam into him like a freight train, and he jerked sideways, dropping his glass as he did so. It shattered all over the floor, sending water everywhere. In his scramble to get way, he slipped in the water and hit the floor. Almost instantly he scooted as far back into the counters as he could, trying to get out of there reach, gasping all the while in an attempt to draw air into his tortured lungs. Even as all this happened, Brian was pushing everyone out of the kitchen, herding them to the living room area. Howie was trying to protest, but Kevin just shoved him along, helping Brian clear the area. Once Brian was sure that Kevin had them under control, he turned back to AJ.
He wasted no time with the glass or the water. Skirting around the broken glass, he knelt right down in the water directly in front of AJ. He paid no attention to the moisture soaking the knees of his pants. All his attention was fixed on AJ. He knew better than to try to get to him, so instead he held his arms open. It didn’t take but a second before AJ launched himself into them. Kneeling on the floor, Brian enfolded AJ in his strong arms and rocked him right there, whispering soothing sounds in his ears. “Shh, shh, baby. There we go. I’ve got you now. You’re ok. Everything’s going to be just fine.”
“What the hell?” Nick said loudly behind them. Brian paid him no attention. He continued to rock AJ, listening to his wheezing, feeling his heart shuddering in him.
AJ tried to make himself relax. He drew strength from Brian’s embrace, using it as a lifeline to hold on to his sanity. Softly, so softly that the others could barely hear him, Brian began to sing their song. The song he had written just for AJ. You Can Let Go. The familiar words had become soothing to AJ; something that he could let fill him, and that could chase away the darkness. As the panic faded, the embarrassment seeped in. The tension started to leave his body, leaving behind the same weakness that it always did.
By the end of the song, the panic attack was gone, but AJ was left feeling ashamed of himself. He had overreacted about a simple touch from a friend. He couldn’t do this! There was no way he was going to be able to make it through tour if he couldn’t even handle having a friend touch him. Suddenly he was so tired. Both physically and emotionally. How the hell could he do this? As if reading his mind, Brian whispered in his ear “You are strong enough, AJ. This was just a setback, but you can do it. You can get through this. I know you can. I have faith in you.”
Nothing meant more to him than Brian’s support, his faith. He nodded numbly against Brian’s chest. Together, they slowly stood up. But AJ couldn’t let go of Brian yet. He wasn’t ready to stand on his own. Understanding that without being told, Brian kept an arm around AJ’s waist, and with his other hand he held on to AJ’s hand.
“Alex…” Howie started, then paused. He had to take a minute to control his voice. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“It’s ok.” AJ said hoarsely. It was all he could get out. The muscles in his throat felt tight, almost locked. It was Brian who stepped in again, saving him from having to say anything. “I should have warned you guys before Age and I got here. He doesn’t handle being touched very well. Especially not suddenly. Or, being trapped somewhere either, without an exit.” Brian said this matter-of-factly, not elaborating on it, just as if it were something totally normal.
Kevin gave them both a warm smile, even though his heart broke inside for his lost little friend. “Why don’t you two go down to your rooms for a while.” He suggested. “We’ll get together in the morning. There’s nothing planned for tomorrow. I got us here a day early so we could spend a little time together before all the work for touring starts.”
“Thanks, Kev.” Brian gave his cousin a grateful smile, glad that he had told him the truth from the start. It gave him another ally in the band. Practically supporting AJ’s weight, Brian led him forward out of the kitchen. He knew how tired a panic attack always left AJ feeling.
AJ was in a daze as Brian took him out of the room and down the hall. He didn’t even pay attention when Brian reached into his pocket and took his key card. Only when they were inside his room, away from the eyes of anyone else, did any life come back into AJ. His eyes filled with tears, and his body started to shake.
“Just a few more steps, baby.” Brian soothed him, moving toward the bedroom. He sat AJ on the edge of the bed and knelt to take off first his shoes, then his socks. AJ felt like a robot as Brian helped him stand, then stripped him down to his boxers. When he was back on the bed, he lifted wide eyes to Brian. Was he going to leave him now? Go back to the others, or to his own room? AJ needed him so badly, but he had always been bad at asking. More so since the incident had happened to him. But this was Brian. There wasn’t anything he couldn’t say to Brian. “Are you leaving?” he managed to rasp out.
The answering smile that Brian gave him lit up his heart. “You think you’re getting rid of me that easily?” he teased. He bent down to take off his own shoes and socks before unbuttoning and removing his jeans. “I already mussed up my bed so hotel staff won’t know any better. Now lay down and scoot over.”
Gratitude filled AJ, causing some of his tears to spill over. He slid into the bed and scooted sideways to make room for Brian. Once Brian was in bed, the older man reached over and pulled AJ into the circle of his arms. “Nothing’s going to change for us, Alex. I will not leave you.”
“I messed up in there, bad.” AJ mumbled into Brian’s chest. He buried his face against his loves shirt, clinging to the material. “They’re all going to laugh at me. I can’t do this. I can’t even let my one time best friend touch me.”
“No one’s going to laugh at you, baby. You had a small grade panic attack. That’s ok. Jessica said they’re normal, remember? You just need to give yourself time. Healing doesn’t happen overnight.”
“But it was Howie! If I can’t even let Howie touch my arm, how can I go do a show?”
Brian kissed the top of AJ’s head, wishing he could take his demons away for him. “We’ll take it one step at a time. They know now that you’re not big on touching or things like that. Just have faith. You can do this, and I’ll be right there to help you.”
For a moment AJ stayed quiet. When he was here, in Brian’s arms, his problems never looked as big. He felt as if there was nothing he couldn’t do, so long as Brian was there with him. “Thank you.”
Brian’s only response was to kiss the top of his head again.