Lying back in his chair, AJ stared out the window. The sun was just barely up, giving the sky a light glow. He had just finished a morning session on the phone with Jessica, and together they had worked a lot of things out. Still, it wasn’t going to be easy. He had told her about the guilt he was feeling for lying to his friends. He’d also told her about what had happened the evening before. Jessica had said that it sounded to her like AJ wanted to tell them. “If you blurted that out without even thinking, maybe a part of your wants them to know the truth. Not necessarily the whole truth, but not the lies either. Your friends may surprise you, AJ. You should have faith in them.”
Faith. That was what so much of this boiled down to, wasn’t it? Having faith in himself, in the people that he loved. For the past hour he had been sitting in the chair, thinking about all of this. In that time he’d come to a few conclusions. First, he was going to tell his friends at least part of things. Second, he was pretty sure Kevin already knew the truth. That thought didn’t bother him. He had wondered from the minute they had left if Brian had told Kevin everything. They were family, so it was natural that Brian confided in him. Also, he could see the logic in telling Kevin, so that he would understand what he was assisting them with.
That meant that he didn’t have to tell Kevin. But Howie and Nick, they didn’t deserve to be lied to. There was no way he could tell them the details the way he had told Brian, but he could at least respect them enough to give them some kind of explanation. Howie had to be so confused right then, and worried.
Determination filled AJ. If he wanted to heal from this, he had to do it all the way. Brian was still asleep, so AJ jotted down a note to tell him where he was. After calling the front desk and finding out his best friend’s room number, AJ threw on jeans and one of Brian’s sweaters. Being surrounded by his loves smell actually helped him keep his nerves under control.
Barefoot, he padded out into the hall and down to Howie’s door. Tentatively he knocked. It didn’t take long before the door opened. Howie had obviously been asleep, making AJ realize that it was still early in the morning. On their days off, most of the guys liked to sleep in until ten. It had been so long since AJ had done that, he’d forgotten what it was like. Brian was a naturally early riser, and AJ had such trouble sleeping that he was usually up with the dawn.
“AJ! Hey, come on in.” Upon seeing his best friend, Howie rubbed his face to wake himself up and opened the door wider for him to step inside.
After taking a deep breath, AJ forced himself to walk in. He moved to the table, taking a seat in the chair there with his back toward the wall. He watched Howie go into the kitchen and start his coffee brewing. “You sleep well?” Howie asked politely as he poured water into the carafe.
“We reduced to cheap small talk, D?” AJ found himself asking. His nerves were practically eating him alive, but he was forcing it down with all of his strength. This was Howie. They had been friends for years.
In testament to that, Howie turned and flashed him a wide, familiar grin. “Well, you know…” he said with a chuckle.
Howie grabbed a cup for himself, holding one out toward AJ, who nodded. “I figured I’d make easy conversation.” Howie continued on as he waited for the coffee to brew enough to pour. “See where it led to. I can tell you’ve got something you want to say, but I wanted to set you at ease. You look like you’re going to jump out of your skin.”
“To say the least.” AJ muttered to himself. He took a deep breath, getting a whiff of Brian’s cologne from his sweater. It had been a smart idea to wear it. It made him feel like Brian was there with him, holding him, supporting him. “We’ve been friends for a long time, D. Longer than the other guys, at least. I owe you more respect than I’ve been showing you.”
Howie busied himself with pouring the coffee. He snagged the container that held the small sugars and creamers and carried it all to the table. It was a sign of how good a friend Howie was that he sat on the other end of the table. Close enough to talk, but far enough away to give AJ space. “I don’t feel disrespected, AJ. Something’s going on in your life; that much is obvious. But you don’t have to tell me unless you want to. Ok?”
That comment released some of the tension in AJ. He managed a smile as he added creamer to his coffee. “That right there is why I’m going to. You’ve always been good at not pressuring me to do things I don’t want to. You’ve always respected me, and my boundaries, and never asked more from me than I could give. So I want to. I need to tell you the truth. Cause, if I can’t tell you, my best friend, how can I expect to ever move past it?”
Howie didn’t say anything. He stirred his coffee and leaned back in his chair to sip at it and wait. He had always been good at listening.
“Like, seven months ago…” AJ paused, taking a sip of his coffee. This was hard, but it was Howie. He had to do this if he wanted to move on with his life. “I was assaulted at a club right before the end of the last tour.”
Eyes wide, Howie sat forward, but he didn’t say anything. He only stared at AJ as he continued to speak. “A group of guys caught me and assaulted me. Physically and, and sexually.” That last part he hadn’t been sure he’d be able to say. But being here, he knew he couldn’t hold it back, not from Howie. He would never be able to give him details the way he had with Brian, but he could give him the basics. “I got really depressed for a while. It’s why I drank, why I did coke, all of that. I wanted to forget. Going out to Brian’s place, it did get me off of all that. But, that wasn’t why I went.”
This was the hard part. AJ couldn’t look at him as he spoke. Instead he stared into his coffee cup, idly stirring it. “I went because Brian found me on the first night of tour, during that storm. He uh, came in to visit me and managed to make it to me in enough time to grab my hand as I stepped off the balcony.”
“Jesus.” Howie whispered quietly. He was staring at AJ in shock. His friend had been to this point, and he had never noticed it? “God, J…”
“I know, D. I know. I couldn’t tell you guys, though, don’t you see?” Now that the hard part was out, AJ was able to look up at his friend. He could read the shock, the heartache, the worry. “If I told you guys, I was admitting what happened to me. That meant that I’d have to face it, to live with it. I couldn’t do that. Hell, sometimes I still can’t.”
“I wish to God I’d known. That I could have done something to help you.”
“I wasn’t ready, D. None of you would have been able to get to me. My whole life revolved around fear and panic, and anything that could make me shut off, not things that made me feel more. It still is, most of the time. I’m not healed yet. Still, no one could get to me before because I wouldn’t let them.”
A corner of Howie’s mouth quirked. “But Brian did.” That was another part that came with speaking to a best friend. They saw straight to the heart of some situations.
Unable to see himself, AJ didn’t know that his face went soft, or his eyes dreamy. He couldn’t see the way his lips curved. But Howie did. He saw how everything about AJ went soft when Brian’s name was mentioned. “He’s been a godsend.” AJ was saying softly. “I don’t know what I’d do without him. He never pressures me, never wants me to do more than he knows I’m capable of. He doesn’t judge me, or make me feel like I’m weak. Instead, he tells me how he marvels at my strength.”
AJ’s eyes dropped down to his coffee cup. He stirred it absently, still smiling. “When I look at him, my heart beats faster. When he’s away from me, I feel lost. I love him more than anything in my life. He’s like my other half; my sanity.”
“You can tell. The way you two looked yesterday, when he was helping you out of the room. Any fool could see the love and trust that you both have for one another.”
“I don’t know what I’d do without him in my life.” AJ said simply. Then he grimaced. “Uh, about yesterday…”
“Don’t worry, J. I understand a lot better now. You don’t have to explain to me, or apologize.”
“I’m getting better about it. Just, I was already at the start of a panic attack.” AJ explained anyways. He felt that he needed to. “I can’t say it won’t happen again. They’re less frequent than before, but they still happen a shitload.” He shrugged and took a sip off of his coffee. “My shrinks got me on an anti-anxiety medicine, but still, that doesn’t always help. Plus, don’t always have it with me.”
“Do you like your shrink?”
“Yeah, she’s cool. Jessica feels more like a friend than a counselor sometimes. She’s really easy to talk to, and pretty helpful.”
They chatted for a while longer about AJ’s counseling appointments. As they did, AJ marveled at how easy it was to sit there. Sure, that ever present fear was there, but he was controlling it. It wasn’t consuming his life. It wasn’t controlling his every move. But it did get a little stronger when Howie asked “Who else knows any of this?”
“I’m pretty sure that Bri told Kev before we left. As far as I know, no one else.”
Howie set his cup down with a grimace. “Nick’s not going to take this well.”
“Nick’s going to be…complicated.” When Howie gave him a curious look, AJ pushed his cup away and threaded his hands together. He absently picked at his thumb, keeping his nerves locked tight. “When I came out of the room, after, well, after it was done, it was Nick I ran into in the hall. Knowing him he’ll get this guilt trip thing going.” AJ chewed on his lip, suddenly flushing slightly. “I know it sounds bad, D, but I don’t know if I can deal with that. I can barely make it through a day with my own problems. I don’t know if I can take on his guilt, too.”
“That doesn’t sound bad, Age.” Howie was quick to reassure. “It sounds reasonable. You do have a shitload of stuff on your plate right now. Dealing with someone else’s emotions must be hard. If I can respect it and not freak out about all this, then Nick should too. He loves you like a brother. I’m sure he’ll understand.”
They shared a look, grins breaking out on their faces. Both knew that Nick was the most impulsive of the group. He’d understand, eventually. But first, there’d be a Carter style fit. It was something they all were used to, and usually managed to be amused by.
Glancing at the clock, AJ realized that he’d been with Howie for over an hour. Most likely Brian would be awake now. This conversation had left AJ drained, but happy at the same time. It felt good to tell Howie the truth even if it hurt to talk about what had happened. But he couldn’t continue to lie to his best friend; his brother. If he did, then their friendship would mean nothing.
He climbed to his feet and stretched. “I should probably get back to the room. I think I’m gonna laze around for a while, watch a movie or something.”
“Sounds like a good plan.” Howie said as he stood as well. “Thanks for coming to talk to me.”
“Thanks for listening to me. I can’t, well, I can’t ever give you details. But I had to tell you the truth.”
Howie didn’t offer to hug him as he usually would have. He sensed, and he was right, that AJ still wasn’t at the stage for that casual touching. So he settled for walking him to the door. “My doors open any time you need to talk, ok, Age?”
“Thanks, D.” AJ stood in the open doorway, debating for a second. He raised a hand, lightly brushing Howie’s shoulder as he passed him. It wasn’t much, but it was better than he would have done a few months ago. He held his success with him as he went back to his room.
When he got inside, there was no noise anywhere. He padded back toward the bedroom and found Brian sprawled out in the bed, reading a book. At the sound of AJ’s footsteps he looked up, smiling at him. “Hey.” AJ said.
“Hey.”
He made his way to the bed, climbing on top of the blankets. Without skipping a beat, Brian shifted his position so that AJ could curl against him. Brian grinned as he plucked at AJ’s sleeve. “Comfortable?” he teased. To AJ’s surprise he found himself grinning back. More and more it was getting easier to be himself around Brian. That part of him that had been locked away for so long was finally starting to return. He was realizing that he hadn’t died that night at the club. No, he’d just buried himself deep inside, not letting himself deal with the pain.
“Pretty comfortable. Nice and roomy for me.”
“Well, help yourself, love.”
The casual endearment had AJ flushing. He burrowed into Brian, burying his face in his chest. “I probably should have asked.” He admitted, his voice muffled. Lying as he was he could feel Brian’s chuckle. “Don’t worry about it, J. It’s just a sweater. I don’t mind if you borrow my stuff sometimes.”
“I went to talk to D, and, it sounds stupid but, well, it was easier to do wearing this. I could smell your cologne, and it was kind of like you were there with me, you know?”
Brian was quiet for a moment before bending to kiss the top of AJ’s head. “You humble me.” Brian whispered. Curious, AJ moved to look up at him. “How?”
“Even after everything you’ve been through, you still have such a beautiful heart. A beautiful soul. You make me feel like the most blessed man to be lying here with you in my arms.”
It was AJ’s turn to grow quiet. He buried his face again to hide the blush staining his cheeks. “You’ve got it backwards.” He mumbled. He felt as Brian kissed his head again, and knew that his love was staying quiet because he knew how easily AJ could be embarrassed anymore. While AJ slowly fell back asleep, Brian read his book. Both were perfectly content to stay where they were.