Time seemed to stand still. Every sense AJ had was on overdrive. He felt the rain hitting him; each individual droplet. He heard the thunder that was shouting at the world; lightening lit the skies around him. Yet inside, his heart felt peace. He smiled to himself, knowing that soon, it would all be over.
But something intruded on that single moment for him. A thing that was unexpected and that changed everything. Something grabbed his hand, around his wrist, and held on tight. Already having stepped over the edge, AJ swung down, slamming into the side of the balcony. Stars danced in his vision and his ears rung, so that he couldn’t hear the voice calling to him at first. But as his mind cleared, he could hear again. Still, it took him a second longer to recognize that voice.
“Alex! Fuck, Alex, hold on to me! Dammit, don’t you let go! You hold on to me you hear me?”
Was that Brian? AJ looked up, but he could barely see through the rain. All he could see was the hand that held his wrist so tightly, refusing to let go of him. “Brian?” he asked in a voice so soft he didn’t expect an answer.
“Yes, it’s me! Fuck, Alex, grab my hand. Come on, come on! Don’t you dare fall, you hear me? You are not allowed to fall! I won’t let you! Come on, up, up!” There was terror and pain in that voice. It broke AJ’s heart. He hadn’t wanted to hurt Brian any more than he already had. He’d hurt him so much that day in his house.
“Let me go, Brian. Just let me go.”
“The fuck I will!” That hard tried to pull him up, but the rain had slicked their skin, and when Brian pulled, AJ’s hand slid a little. So Brian was forced to hang there, clinging for dear life. Terror was hot and slick in his throat. He couldn’t explain the emotion he’d felt when he’d come into the hotel room, determined to talk to AJ finally, and he’d seen the open patio door. Then the lightening had flashed, and he’d seen AJ standing there, arms spread to the storm, on the edge of oblivion. He’d barely made it to him in time.
AJ’s other hand swung up, trying to grip over Brian’s fingers and force them to let go. “Let me go, Brian.” He said again. With a growl, Brian reached his free hand down and snagged AJ’s other wrist. “Fuck that, and fuck you!” Brian screamed, bracing his knees into the stone wall. He ignored the pain there as the wall scraped his knees through his jeans. All he could focus on was AJ, dangling in the open air. If he lost his grip now, then all hope was lost. “Dammit, AJ, I will not let you die! I am not letting go! You go over, I go too!”
That seemed to snap AJ’s attention back to the forefront. He stared up at the dark shadow he knew was Brian and realized that Brian was telling the truth. He had a grip on AJ’s arms that was like iron. That meant that the only way AJ was going down would be to pull Brian over with him and the hell if he was going to do that. This was his death wish; no one else’s. A flash of lightening illuminated them both, and in that moment AJ could see the determination on Brian’s face.
AJ twisted his hands so that he could get a grip on Brian’s wrists as well, strengthening their hold. He swung his legs, scrambling to find a way to brace them against the balcony wall. One foot braced against the wall long enough for him to push up, then it slipped off the wet stone again. But that had given Brian a little help, and he managed to pull AJ up a little farther, their joined hands right at the edge. “Grab the edge!” Brian shouted over the next boom of thunder. Lightening lit the sky. Guided by its second of light, AJ flipped his hand and grabbed hold of the edge of the balcony. That freed one of Brian’s hands to reach back and grab first his arm, then, as AJ scrambled up to the edge, Brian grabbed the loops on his jeans and yanked him back over to safety.
The two tumbled to the hard ground, both of them soaking went and panting. “You son of a bitch.” Brian cursed between gasps for air. “What the fuck were you doing?”
AJ didn’t answer. He simply lay in the rain. At this, too, he had failed. Was this the end of it, then? Was he doomed to live the rest of his life in fear and pain? Never again to be happy? To find release? Somewhere in his life he had done something, and this was his punishment. That was the only thing that he could think of to explain everything. He was doomed to live the rest of his life this way. But oh, God, it hurt so much. “Why couldn’t you let me die?” he whispered.
Quick as a snake strike, Brian shoved AJ away from him. “What the fuck is the matter with you?” Brian sat up, shouting as he did. “Are you out of your mind?”
“You should have let me die.”
In those six words was all the pain that AJ felt. It was so strong and so sharp that Brian just stared at him. Even after witnessing the kind of scene he had at AJ’s house, this level of pain was still incomprehensible to him. What had happened to this man? Where was the man that Brian had been falling in love with? He ached to reach out and hold him. Just to wrap AJ in his arms and tell him that everything would be ok. But he couldn’t promise it, and he’d learned by now that mollycoddling wasn’t the answer. It wasn’t something AJ had responded to.
Instead, he’d shown more response to Brian’s anger in the past few moments. Much as it hurt him to do so, he held on to that. “Like fuck I will. Get up and get in there so we can get dry. I’m frozen.”
The way that AJ moved as he stood up, as if he was exhausted, tore at Brian’s insides. His friend looked as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders.
AJ felt as if he did. He couldn’t force himself to stand straight, and could only shuffle as he went into the hotel room. What was the point in fighting this anymore? He’d be lucky if Brian let him out of his sight. At least, until he called the cops and had AJ committed. There was no doubt in AJ’s mind that Brian would do that. What else did you do when you saw someone step off the top floor of a hotel balcony?
Soon everyone would know that the famous AJ McLean had tried to kill himself. It would be everywhere, staring back at him. Everyone would be privy to his shame. He wouldn’t be able to hold his head up anywhere ever again.
Lost in thought, AJ never heard Brian come up behind him. But suddenly hands were on his shirt front, trying to help undo the buttons. Panic kicked in like a flash, and AJ scrambled backwards, tripping over the coffee table and sprawling out on the floor. Halfway down his brain started working again and he realized that it had just been Brian trying to help him.
Through tear filled eyes he looked at Brian’s face. There was anger and concern there as well as heartache and a tiny amount of hurt. That did it for AJ. He lost the battle with his tears. They flowed freely down his face. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t fight it.
Brian made a small sound as he moved over and crouched in front of AJ. Very carefully he made sure to keep his distance. Whatever this was, it was obvious that AJ couldn’t handle being touched in even the most casual way. That would be something that would have to be left up to him to instigate. “Alex, please, can’t you talk to me?” Brian tried to keep his voice as gentle as he could. “I just want to help you. Can’t you please tell me what’s going on?”
“I can’t, Bri!” AJ wailed. All his defenses had dropped away. He was raw and exposed. “You’ll hate me!”
“Alex, baby. I could never hate you. Never! Don’t you know that?”
But AJ was already shaking his head, and the tears were coming faster. “You will, you don’t know. I hate me, Bri. No one knows what I did, what happened. But I can’t take it anymore! Why didn’t you let me die? Please, God, I can’t live like this! I can’t take it anymore!”
“Then talk to me!” Brian insisted. He wished with all his heart that he could reach out and touch AJ, but the last thing he wanted to do was scare him away. “Let me help you, Alex, please. You’re not alone. Whatever this is, you don’t have to be alone with it.”
In that instant, AJ knew he had to tell him. As much as it would hurt, he had to. Nothing else was working for him. He had tried to hide it but it ate at him like a cancer. He’d tried to end drown it under drugs and alcohol but they were losing their effect on him. Then he had tried to end it, and Brian had intervened. What did he have to lose now? Every other route had been tried.
AJ looked up into the eyes that he had once been able to lose himself in. This was the man that he had been falling in love with a lifetime ago. At one point in time, if anyone had asked who he would trust more than anyone else, AJ would have answered ‘Brian’ without hesitation. Maybe all of that was what made it so hard for him to say this. No one else’s opinion mattered more. Still, he had already alienated him so much; it was amazing that Brian was still there.
“Six months ago.” AJ started, and then paused to wipe off his face. His hand trembled, so he tucked them both under his arms. “We were, uh, at the club. Celebrating that last show, you know? You were babysitting me once Kev left.”
Brian knew which time AJ was talking about. His brain started to gather together facts. The bruises he’d seen on AJ days later flashed through his mind, but he kept his mouth shut and let AJ continue.
“I went back to the bathroom, you remember? Before we were going to leave. I was buzzed and I couldn’t hold it until we got to the hotel. Stupid idiot. I should have just waited the little bit to piss. But I had to go, so I went. When I came out, well, you know how those halls get. The later it gets, the emptier they get. People go off somewhere to fuck, or they’re heading home with the person they met. I didn’t really pay any attention. I was having enough trouble focusing on walking.
“Cause I was looking at my feet, I missed seeing someone in the hall, and I bumped this dude. I stumbled a bit, but when I was steady I apologized.” Here AJ paused, closing his eyes. Memories were washing over him like waves. The trembling spread from his hands until he was shaking lightly from head to toe. Brian wanted to offer him comfort, to do something, but he was afraid that if he made a move to him now or tried to touch him that AJ would close up tighter than a clam. So Brian held his tongue and he waited, a bad feeling in his stomach.
“”They uh, there was a group of them. Six. I tried apologizing again, an they just kind of surrounded me and ignored what I was saying. They were talking about how, how skinny I am. Small. Like a girl. I told them I didn’t want any trouble.” AJ’s voice cracked on the last word. He bowed his head down slightly. “They asked me, what if they didn’t want a fight. ‘We just wanna have a good time, that’s all.’ They said. I didn’t know what they meant at first. God, I was so stupid. I tried to duck down under them, cause they weren’t expecting it, and I ran.
“They caught me, and they all had a hold of me, one of them covering my mouth so I couldn’t scream. I tried to get free, I did! I bucked and I kicked and twisted, but they just laughed at me. They thought it was all funny. They took me in this storage room an threw me on the floor. I should of stayed down. I would have, if I’d been smart. But I popped up, ready to fight. They started taunting me. Little girl, baby, all those things. Telling me they’d show me a good time.” Even now AJ could hear them, their voices echoing in his ears.
That bad feeling in Brian grew. He had thought he’d known where AJ’s story was leading. He had been preparing himself to listen to AJ describe a brutal beating. What he was saying now, though, presented an entirely different picture. One that was making Brian feel sick. AJ started to rock, and his voice sounded strained as he continued on.
“I tried to get to a barstool. I was gonna use it like a weapon, you know? But they were fast, and they got my wrist and jerked it up behind my back until I had to stand on my tiptoes to stop my arm from popping out. One of the guys tore my shirt, popping the buttons. Then he was, he, he felt my skin. ‘Skin’s as soft as a baby’s’ he said to them.
“They, they bent me over a table, and they stripped me. They tied my legs to the table, and slapped me around until I stopped screaming. I tried to hit them, do something, but they were so strong, and there were so many of them. They caught my other wrist and had both my hands shoved up my back. They, God, they raped me. Over and over and over.” AJ’s tears fell faster. He was squeezing his eyes shut now, trying to stop them from coming.
“They took turns. They’d move me around, make it more fun. A couple times they’d slap me. At the end, the guy had me, he had me bent over in the air, and he dislocated my shoulder from pushing on my wrist too hard. I didn’t care. Everything just hurt. Then they threw me on the floor, and they were kicking me.” AJ’s hands slid down to his ribs as if he could feel it all over again.
Brian felt the tears build in his own eyes, falling in warm rivers down his cheeks. He couldn’t speak or move. This was worse than anything he had thought he would hear.
“The one guy told me if, if I told anyone he’d, that he’d come back and finish, an he’d go after my family. Everyone in my family. He had a knife, and I knew he’d use it. I told him I understood. They just left me there without another word. Just tossed a towel on me an left. So I cleaned up. I used the wall to pop my shoulder back in. An I got dressed, and I left. Nick found me coming back in the hallway. I was so scared, Bri. I’m still so scared, all the time. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat.
“I go to bed and I hear them. All around me I hear their voices, taunting me. Always talking about how soft my skin is, how much I’m like a woman. I dream about them. About what they did, about what they’d do to me if I gave them up for this. If someone touches me, and I don’t know it’s coming, I feel like I’m going to come out of my skin. I drink an do some coke. That takes the edge off for a little while. It takes the fear away for a short time, so I can breathe. But it always comes back.”
AJ looked up, opening his eyes to stare into Brian’s. In them was so much heartache that it was palpable. Dear sweet God. How had they not seen what was wrong with their friend? Brian felt ashamed of himself for not knowing that something was so seriously wrong with AJ. Now that he knew the whole story, the pieces of things started to fall in to place. “That’s why you were cutting yourself at your house. Why you broke the mirror.”
“I can’t look at myself. I don’t see me anymore. All I can see is what they made me be. I see my face, my skin, and I hear them talking about its softness. I don’t want to be like that anymore. I thought, well, I’d show them soft! It was satisfying, and I couldn’t make myself stop at first.” AJ uncurled a little, rolling his pant legs up to show his legs. Horror filled Brian’s stomach when he saw the cuts that were everywhere on his skin.
“Oh, AJ.” He mumbled, one hand automatically extending out towards him. The cuts were of different ages, some looked fresh. Some looked older, though not by much. “My baby. They broke you, in so many ways. My poor Alex.” He looked up, locking eyes with AJ. “I wish I could take this away for you. I wish you had told me. I’d have helped you set up a good counselor.”
“I couldn’t tell you. Don’t you see? I can’t have them find out that I told!”
“It’s been six months, baby. They’re probably long gone. You need to get help with this. I want to help you. I don’t want to lose you.” Now it was Brian who buried his head for a minute. “I thought for sure I’d lost you there. That I wouldn’t be able to hold you long enough to get you up. It scared the life out of me.”
“What am I going to do, Bri?” AJ stared into the blue eyes and knew that if he had to start to trust someone, Brian was the person for it to be. He pushed all of his fear as far down as he could and let his feet slide out until they bumped against Brian’s leg. He needed that physical contact right then, but this was the only way he was able to take it. He couldn’t touch or be touched, and he couldn’t hold hands. The feel of hands on his hands, or on his wrists, almost always triggered a panic attack. He was lucky that he hadn’t had one yet. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“We’re going to sleep tonight, Alex. In the morning we’ll talk to Kevin…”
“No! I’m not telling anyone else!” AJ jerked back into the fetal position and his eyes grew wide.
Brian kept talking as if AJ hadn’t interrupted. “…and we’ll tell him that you’re going to quit the drugs and alcohol, and have him tell the world that you’re going to a rehab center. Enough people have seen you drunk at that bar to know that it’s a viable thing. In reality, we’re going to get stationed at one of my vacation homes, and we’ll start you in with a counselor. We’re going to help you heal, Alex. I didn’t save you just to end up losing you again.”
There was such confidence in Brian’s tone that AJ almost found himself believing it. He had tried so many other ways. Why not do this Brian’s way? “I, I don’t know if I can stay at your house, Bri. I could stay at a hotel nearby, though.”
“After watching you walk off a balcony, Alexander, you’re lucky I’m nice enough to not check you and I in to a center.” Brian said seriously. “I know you’re going to have limitations on what you can handle, and I swear I won’t push them. But I won’t leave you alone until you start to heal.”
What was the point of fighting it? He didn’t have the energy. Almost as if in testament to that, when AJ closed his eyes the world seemed to spin. He must have swayed, because Brian was there, that scent that belonged to him was so close. “Let me help you to your feet. We’ll get you dressed down and in to bed. Please, baby, trust me to do this.”
It was the only choice he had. AJ forced his body not to flinch to hard when Brian helped him stand. He had to keep his brain as blank as possible when he took off his wet clothes and dressed in warm sweats and a shirt. Then Brian was tucking him into the bed, whispering “Go to sleep, baby. I’ll be right here with you.”
Through half lidded eyes, AJ watched as Brian tossed a blanket on the couch. He disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes, then came back out in a borrowed pair of AJ’s sweats. Nervous, AJ watched Brian climb on to the couch and tuck underneath the blanket. It didn’t take long before the older man was snoring. For an hour AJ lay there, listening to Brian sleep. Finally he managed to drift off as well. For the first night in a long time, he slept through the nightmares. They weren't gone, but they were easier to manage, easier to sleep through.