After Brian left him, AJ didn’t know what to do. His hatred for his self grew until it felt like it was a living thing. He couldn’t take being in the house anymore; couldn’t stand to hear his voice echoing back at him all the things he’d said to Brian. So, for the first time in months, AJ left the house and drove down to the bar.
To walk through those doors was the hardest thing he had ever done. As the music hit him, and the sounds of voices talking at the same time, he felt a cold sweat pop out on his skin. But he forced himself to go to the bar, to sit tucked in that corner seat. He ordered bourbon, no ice, and drank half in one drink. He was going to do this. It was scary, yes. It was terrifying even. But it was either this, or spend another night at home thinking about everything, about what he had done to Brian. The wounds on his chest throbbed as if in reminder of what had happened.
That night, AJ got shitfaced drunk, and had to stumble his way home. For what remained of his last month at home, he alternated between drinking at home, and drinking at the bar.
He was spiraling downhill, and the worst part of it was, he knew that it was happening. He could see himself sinking lower and lower, but there was nothing that he could do to stop it. He’d lost all control of his life under a haze of alcohol, drugs, and fear.
No one had called his house since he’d chased Brian off that day. As AJ got ready to catch a cab to the airport, he realized that he was beyond caring. This was his personal hell, and there was less chance of dragging someone down in to it with him, the better. It was just shy of six months since the night that had changed his life forever, and he was still nowhere near recovering from it.
The alcohol helped control it, and the cocaine that he’d scored a few nights ago had helped as well. But without those, he was nothing; a mess. Half alive. More often than not he felt as if he was an imposter, walking around in a skin too small.
He felt as if a part of him had died, but his body just hadn’t caught up to it yet. It continued to move and breathe and live, while inside his soul was gone. They had stripped him of everything that made him who he was, and reduced him to a quivering mass of fear. How was he supposed to live like this?
Those thoughts ate at him as he left his house, and through the plane right to their first stop on the tour. Where it was, he couldn’t remember, but the tickets had been sent to him with the date he was to leave. Kevin always did that, afraid that AJ wouldn’t remember and would be late. Usually it amused him. Now, he felt nothing. What was there to feel? He was so empty inside.
He watched the sky from the window of his cab as he headed from the airport to the hotel. Dark clouds were building, coming in fast from the east. You could almost feel the storm that was brewing. It left an almost electric feeling in the air. There was the scent of it everywhere, as if nature was bracing itself.
In a haze, AJ climbed from the car once it stopped. He paid the driver, probably more than he should have. What did it matter? It was just money. Absently he took his bags and went inside. Whatever the desk attendant told him, he didn’t hear. He had to force himself to pay attention long enough to get his room number.
No one was around as he rode the elevator to the top floor. Nor was there anyone in the hallway. It was eerily silent. AJ just walked down the hall to his door and let himself inside. Immediately after entering he went to the mini bar and rooted around for a drink. When he found it, he wasted no time in popping the top and taking a drink straight from the bottle. This numbness was so much easier to deal with than the rest of it. He prayed that the alcohol would help him maintain it.
From the living area he could see out to the balcony, and to the storm brewing. He didn’t realize when he’d started to move, only that suddenly he was opening the door, stepping out on to the balcony and into the waiting storm. A part of his brain woke; a part that had been shut down for so long. He felt alive in ways he hadn’t. Clear minded.
With avid eyes he watched the sky. There was nothing like a good thunderstorm. The first droplets of rain splashed down, but he didn’t bother going inside. Instead he stood there as they came, faster and faster, until it was a down pour. Within minutes he was soaked, but he didn’t care. The water felt good on his skin….
*PRESENT*
AJ turned enough to set the bottle down on the ground. He straightened back up to stare at the rain, the lightening. Thunder boomed, shaking him deep down inside. On legs that were steadier than they had been in six long months, he stepped up further, until he was standing on the top of the stone railing. Only air stood between him and that final release. How easy would it be, to take one final step?
Everything that he had just thought of, everything that had gone through his life now, had led him to here. He saw it all, each step taken, each move made. They had all led to this point. Here, there was no going back. This was his moment of courage, his moment to decide. To take that step, that final step; or, to turn around and face his fear, so that he could move on with his life.
Was he strong enough for either? Could he step down from here, and move on with his life. Seek help, talk about what happened, accept it as a part of life that couldn’t be change, and continue on? He didn’t think that he could. So much of him felt broken. Maybe, if he had had the strength and told someone about what had happened, he might have been able to heal.
But no, things were too far gone. The fact was, he had been silent about it. He had kept it a dirty little secret. Now, because of that, he was alone. This was how it was meant to be. This was the only way out.
AJ spread his arms wide as the thunder boomed, one roar after another. It deafened him, so that he couldn’t even hear the rain fall. But he felt it, and smiled. It was as if the sky was crying the tears that he was no longer able to shed. The very heavens were mourning for him.
With a final sigh, AJ took a step into the open air; into freedom.