Hours later, when Brian and AJ left their room to head to Kevin’s, AJ had his emotions under a much better control. He had already tried to apologize to Brian and been told in no uncertain terms that he didn’t need to, and that if he persisted, Brian was going to gag him. The threat didn’t scare him coming from Brian. He knew that he had nothing to fear from him.
That didn’t mean that he wasn’t going to apologize to Nick. His poor friend must be more freaked out than anyone right now. To act like that to an innocent touch, well, that was inexcusable. Nick deserved one whopper of an apology, and AJ was determined to give it to him. There really wasn’t any excuse for what he had done.
Inwardly he winced. They all knew about his cutting now, though. That was impossible to cover up. Well, ok, maybe not all of his cutting. But at least the one incident. The rest of it he kept pretty well hidden. Those cuts were small, and he was doing them less and less. That should count for something, right? He could almost hear Jessica’s voice in his mind telling him that doing it at all was bad.
AJ reached a hand out and took Brian’s in his. If he was going to do this than he was going to be as prepared as possible. To that effect he had put Brian’s sweater back on, simply for the comfort that wearing it brought. But he needed more than that. He needed the physical contact between them. That grounded him like nothing else.
Thankfully Brian understood that. He gripped AJ’s hand tighter as they stepped through Kevin’s door. He knew there was nothing he could really do for AJ here. Nothing that would change this. But he wanted to be able to be there as much as possible.
The one fear that AJ held tight to as he walked in was seeing the pity on the faces of his friends. He couldn’t stand the idea of them pitying him. It made him feel…less. As if they looked at him as something less because of what had happened.
That was exactly what was in the eyes of everyone when they walked into the living room. Kevin and Howie sat on the couch, Nick on a chair, and all of their eyes held pity for AJ. He felt his spine stiffen. Something of it must have come through to Brian, because he squeezed AJ’s hand in a reassuring way. It gave him enough courage to continue walking in.
Brian gestured for AJ to take the chair by the wall. It made AJ feel good inside. Brian understood his need to have a wall at his back. To have a clear view of the door, and open space between him and that exit. Grateful, he sank into the comfortable chair before realizing that there was nowhere for Brian to sit by him. He needed Brian by his side!
He didn’t get a chance to say anything because Brian was already moving, folding his legs underneath him and taking a seat on the floor. He sat on one side, making sure it wasn’t the side closest to the door, and leaned against AJ’s leg, resting his cheek on AJ’s knee. One of his hands came around AJ’s calf so that he was lightly hugging it.
A smile curved AJ’s lips. He brought a hand up, lightly running it through Brian’s curls. He loved those curls. Hell, he loved the man. There was a twinkle in Brian’s eyes when he looked up at AJ and said “I’m not going to start licking your hand, so don’t even think on it.”
Laughter exploded around the room. AJ felt himself smile, and some of his tension ease. “If you were a dog, Bri, that’d make me into bestiality, and hell, even I’m not that much a freak.”
The goofy grin Brian gave him eased even more of his tension. He rested his hand on the nape of Brian’s neck, lightly fingering the curls there, more at ease than when he’d entered. This was most likely Brian’s whole intent. How this man knew him so well was a mystery. Half the time AJ felt that he didn’t even know himself.
“I suppose, well, you guys want to talk about the article.” AJ finally managed to stammer out. Before coming over he had sat and read the entire article. There were more details in there than he’d even given Howie. “They uh, they said a lot in there.”
It was Kevin who spoke up, of course. That didn’t surprise AJ at all. “Have you thought about who leaked this, Age? There were a lot of specifics in there.”
That was a really hard part of this. There was only one place that someone could have got that kind of information from, aside from Brian. That would be his counselor. “The only other person I told that much to was Jessica.” He whispered. The hand that Brian had on him squeezed reassuringly.
“Isn’t she your counselor?” Nick asked in surprise.
“Yes.” He could only manage to get the one word out. He didn’t want to doubt her, but…where else would this have come from?
“Have you tried to call her yet, J?” Howie spoke up. His voice was soft and full of love. Shame curled through AJ’s stomach. What had he done to deserve this kind of love from his friends? Here they were, ready to stand by him; to support him no matter what the press said. They were here to try and help salvage things, not for image, but for him. What had he done to deserve this kind of love and loyalty? Nothing.
Clear as a bell he could see one instance after another coming at him, showing him how he had fucked up. What he had done wrong; and there were so many things he had done wrong. Starting with walking back to that bathroom by himself, all the way up to now, and not thinking of calling his counselor yet. What an idiot he was.
“I called.” Brian spoke up, surprising them all. He didn’t move from his position of hugging AJ’s leg. Though AJ couldn’t see it, Brian didn’t even have his eyes open. He was smiling and lightly rubbing his hand against AJ’s calf without even seeming to realize. “Jessica had apparently been trying to get a hold of us, and he police as well, but our phones were off. Someone hacked into their computers and accessed a lot of patient files.”
“What?” AJ croaked out. Relief and fear warred for dominance in him. Relief that Jessica hadn’t actually betrayed him. Fear that someone had gained that much information with obviously malicious intents.
“I called her back right before you woke up, hon. Then we were heading down this way, so I figured it’d just be easier to say it all at once. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you.”
AJ’s voice was a whisper when he impulsively bent down and lightly kissed the top of Brian’s head. “I know that, Bri. You take really good care of me. I never doubt you, not anymore.”
Without being able to see Brian’s face, he didn’t know that his love was smiling, or that one tear slid down his cheek. All AJ felt was Brian turning slightly to bury his face against his leg. He didn’t even see the smiles the others wore. All AJ could do was close his eyes and think about the implications of everything. How the press would take this and run with it. The questions that everyone would ask.
For the moment, all Brian could think of was that this was the first time that AJ had ever kissed him, even if it was on the head, since the incident had happened. He had allowed Brian to kiss his forehead or his head, but he’d never been able to return it. This kiss, combined with the words he’d spoken, was a big step. He only wished they were alone so that they could celebrate it together.
“So her files were hacked, and basically it’s loose to the press.” Kevin said in his deep voice as he sat back. His words weren’t harsh, but more a summary of what they were facing. “Now the press is running with it, and they’re going to want to ask questions and do interviews. How much are you willing to say or do with this, Age? We don’t want to push you beyond what you’re comfortable with.”
“I don’t want to say anything or do anything about it.” AJ mumbled to himself. But he forced his eyes to look up at his friends. “I’ll do what’s necessary, but I won’t talk details with anyone. If I have to talk to someone about it, I want it to be in generalities. If someone wants details, I’ll get up and walk away. I won’t do it. If I start a panic attack, I’ll get up and walk away. So it probably shouldn’t be live.”
“Those are reasonable. I can work with this easily enough, AJ. Don’t worry about it.” Kevin reassured him. Everyone had heard the small amount of panic in AJ’s voice.
Now that they knew the practicalities of the situation, they moved to the friends part of things. It was Nick who spoke up, his head bowed while he fiddled with his fingers. “I uh, I just wanted to say, J, that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come in there and yelled at you like that. I didn’t think about how much it would upset you.”
Just as Brian had predicted, AJ’s was surprised by the apology and was quick to offer his own. “I’m sorry, Nick. I shouldn’t have freaked so hard, and I should have told you already. But none of it is any excuse for the way I reacted. When…when you grabbed my wrist like that I just went a little crazy, and I’m so sorry.”
“I didn’t mean to startle you so bad. It was just, your stomach…” Nick trailed off when he remembered Brian ordering them to not mention the cutting. The sharp look in Brian’s blue eyes had him subsiding back quietly.
AJ didn’t notice. His eyes had slid closed in shame and a slight amount of panic. He should have known they’d want to know about the cutting. It took everything he had to keep the panic attack at bay. IT wanted to overwhelm him, and take him over, but he couldn’t keep doing it. He had to find a way to be stronger than the panic.
The hand that he had on Brian’s neck had gone completely still. The other hand gripped at his pants. He took a deep breath, catching the scent of Brian’s cologne and allowing it to soothe him as he started to speak. “I know it looks bad, and the idea of it sounds bad. I know cutting isn’t the right choice to make. But I was hurting so much at the time. I didn’t even have Brian yet. I was just, alone, and hurt, and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to be soft anymore. I didn’t want to have girlish skin. It was…like the high of a drug, to look down and see my skin bleeding, to see it wasn’t perfect anymore.”
Agitated, AJ rose, gesturing with one hand for Brian to stay. He moved away from them all to stare out the window. “I was in my kitchen, and I was freaking out. I was panicking more than I ever had. An I looked up, and there was the mirror. I could see my face. I could see what I’d become. My skin just seemed to stand out, and I, I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take being what they saw.”
AJ suddenly turned away from them, saying quietly “Excuse me a minute.” All he could think of was stepping out the door to get some fresh air. To get away from their expressions for just a minute. He stepped into the hallway with a sigh of relief.
The relief didn’t last long. Once the door closed behind AJ, he looked up and took a deep breath in an attempt to relax himself. That was when he saw something on the door to his hotel room.
Dread curled in AJ’s stomach. He wanted nothing more than to turn around and run as far as he could in the opposite direction. Yet somehow he found himself moving forward. His feet wouldn’t listen to him. His brain screamed to go, to run, but his feet took him ever closer, until he was standing right in front of the door.
Everything in him locked down. In that one instant he became the same scared, shaking mess that he had been before Brian had saved him. The fear clawed its way through him until it was all he could see, all he could feel. He didn’t realize that his breath was coming in and out in great gasps. He didn’t notice the small, wheezing whine that started in the back of his throat, steadily growing louder.
As he grew louder, he didn’t even see as the door to Kevin’s room opened; or as Brian came running over to him. Vaguely he heard Brian shouting for Kevin, for security, and then he was being wrapped in Brian’s arms. Even through the panic and the fear he recognized the touch of his love. He knew the safety that was in that embrace for him.
But even as Brian pulled him back, as he tried to get AJ away and to safety, and even as security filled the hall, AJ couldn’t take his eyes off his door. He couldn’t look away from the note, pinned there by a knife. The words, written in blood red, were burned into his brain so that even when the door was out of sight he could still see them in his mind’s eye. The words that sealed his doom.
‘You were warned, pretty girl.’