It was a few hours later when a loud noise woke both men. Brian blinked at the sunlight, trying to reorient himself. Somewhere along the lines he had fallen asleep while reading his book. The pounding came again, followed by the rattle of a doorknob. Brian tightened his arms around AJ when he felt the younger man start to shift against him. He stared out toward the living area, debating if he even wanted to get up to answer the door.
AJ was thinking the same thing. Half asleep, he was content to stay where he was. When Brian showed no signs of letting go, he snuggled back against him with a yawn. Even when voices echoed through the hotel room, AJ didn’t even flinch as he usually would have. Here, in Brian’s arms, he felt safe.
Already almost asleep again, AJ didn’t bother moving when he hear the door open. He felt Brian shift their positions, but wasn’t awake enough to realize that Brian had shifted so as to block AJ from whomever was coming in. All AJ knew was that he was warm and sheltered in Brian’s embrace. Brian would never let anything happen to him, that much she was sure of.
“What the hell is this bullshit?” The accusation rang through the room with enough anger in it that AJ was instantaneously awake and alert. Gone were the feelings of safety and comfort. His eyes snapped wide and his body went ridged. More voices added in to the mix, making AJ tenser than before. What made it worse was that Brian was silent. He didn’t speak up against them or anything. That sent of warning bells in AJ’s mind.
AJ looked around the room, seeing his three friends standing there, and he wished he could just disappear. What was going on? Nick was holding something in his hand, waving it at them angrily as he argued with Kevin.
The quivers started, running through AJ’s body. He tried to shrink into himself so as to present the smallest possible target. Feeling it, Brian grew angrier. He had been content to wait at first, knowing that the tempers of the others were high. He also hadn’t wanted to be holding AJ and have his own temper snap out. Lord knows what that would do to him. But this was just too much. “What’s the meaning of all this, guys?” he demanded.
Nick spun toward him and threw a paper at the bed. Brian grabbed it, moving it so that he and AJ could read it both at the same time. It didn’t take long to figure out what the problem was. In big, bold letters the headline read “Pop star sexually assaulted at nightclub” underneath it was subtitled “The rise and fall of AJ Mclean.” It went on to tell details in the article. Things that no one should have known. At least, not people he hadn’t personally told.
Whatever was said around him was lost to AJ. He closed his eyes as pain as sharp as razors cut through him. How could this story have leaked out? The only two people who he had told those kinds of details to were his counselor, and Brian. Those razors sliced again, taking his breath away. He found himself rolling way from Brian, standing up beside the bed. Everyone was looking at him. Nick was gesturing angrily at him. But he just gave them all a single look and then turned away. He headed toward the bathroom, needing the privacy to just shut the door and keep them all away.
The arguing continued, but it was of no concern to him. All he could feel was this ocean of grief. Had Brian spilled his story? As he shut himself inside the bathroom he wondered how that could be. There had to be a reasonable explanation for all of this! The thought of Brian telling on him just devastated him though. It was as if the very foundation of his world was eroding beneath him.
But, why would Brian tell? What would he get out of it? Nothing. This was the man who took care of him. Who made sure he ate, and drank, and who had occasionally made sure that AJ showered! It didn’t make sense for him to take that much care of him, then turn around and do something like this. Plus, this wasn’t Brian’s style. He wasn’t the type to leak something to the press and sit back to watch what the result was going to be. If he was mad at you, he was the type to come and say it to your face. If he had a problem with what was going on with AJ, he would have told him.
Reminding himself of that was enough to bring his temper down. He had been an idiot to not see it before then. The implications of this article he forced to the back of his mind. Before he allowed his mind to focus on that, and most likely panic about it, he needed to let Brian know that he knew better. It had probably worried Brian when he’d got up and ran away like that.
With a sigh, AJ pulled Brian’s sweater off and tossed it onto the floor. He bent over the sink and splashed water on his face. If he was going to be in here, might as well try to wake up. The water had the desired effect of clearing his head. Feeling slightly more alert, and more capable of handling things, he opened the bathroom door, making a beeline for the bed. By then Brian had sat up against the headboard. He saw AJ, though, and opened his arms, his eyes full of love. That right there was enough to reassure AJ. He tried to walk straight to the bed. He should have known better.
Nick stepped right in front of AJ, his hands on his hips. Almost stumbling from stopping so fast, AJ looked up Nick’s tall frame to his face. There was anger there, and it scared him. As ashamed as that made him feel, he found he took a step back at the sight of the rage on Nick’s face.
“What the hell is this story, J?” Nick demanded, gesturing behind him toward the bed. Panic tried to claw its way through AJ, but he was working very hard to control it. Over Nick’s shoulder he saw Brian moving on the bed and he shook his head slightly to let him know he could stay there. Proving his love even more in AJ’s eyes, Brian sat back.
“It’s a news story, Nick. They print them in papers, you know.” The smart ass reply came automatically, a defense for his mind until he could think of what to say.
“No shit? Is it true?”
After a deep breath, AJ nodded. He watched Nick’s face go from anger, to shock, hurt, and back to anger again. The young man spun toward the others, asking “Did you all know about this?” Every one of them nodded back at him. Hurt was thick in with the anger now as Nick spun back around. “You told everyone but me? I had to find out through the mother fucking papers?”
“I just told D today, Frack. You were next.”
“This is why you were at Bri’s then? To recover from this? They say you tried to jump off a balcony in there!”
AJ winced at the shrill note Nick hit. His heart was thudding against his chest. Trying to be as casual as possible, he walked over to the dresser and reached inside, pulling out his Valium. After shaking one into his palm he swallowed it down dry before putting the lid back on the bottle and putting it back in.
“What’re you doing? Popping pills now?”
“It’s an anti-anxiety medicine.” AJ explained softly, praying to God it wouldn’t take long to kick in. He had been tempted to chew the thing just to get it into his system quicker, but he knew that would screw him up and he needed to be clear headed for this.
“How long ago did this happen?” Nick was firing out his questions, too enraged to think straight. All he could feel was the anger that someone had done this, and the hurt that AJ hadn’t confided in him.
“It’d be about seven, almost eight months now since it happened.”
It was obvious to see Nick doing the mental math. Everyone was watching as he counted backward, and they could see when he figured it out. “That’s why you came out…” Nick trailed off, his eyes going wide. “Fuck. That room you came out of, I was in the next one. Why didn’t you scream? I would have heard you!”
He had been in the next room? The next room? AJ felt the bottom start to wobble in his world. Nick had been in the next room, and he hadn’t heard him? “I screamed until my voice was gone.” He said hoarsely, staring blankly at Nick’s face, not seeing him. Instead he was seeing that club, that small room in the back. “I screamed for all of you, for anyone. They just laughed at me.”
“Why’d you go back there alone, J? Why would you be stupid enough to put yourself in that position? You know better than to be by yourself like that in public! All the crazy fans. Man, it’s like asking to get your ass kicked!”
It was so silent in the room that everyone’s gasps could be heard as clear as a bell. AJ flinched, the color draining from his face. That comment had Brian moving to hop off the bed. Again, AJ shook his head. This time he held up a hand, stopping Brian. “Nick’s right.” He said quietly. “No, don’t, guys. He is. I never should have gone there by myself. I was stupid. But I paid for my mistake, a thousand times over.”
For a second Nick looked embarrassed, and as if his temper was calming. Then he caught sight of AJ’s stomach. His eyes grew wide. Seeing the direction of Nick’s eyes, AJ started to drop his arm, to wrap it around his stomach, but Nick caught hold of his wrist and yanked it out of the way. “What the fuck is all this?”
AJ’s eyes were huge, and his air started to whistle. All of his being was focused on the hand around his wrists. Self-preservation kicked in and he answered without thinking, hoping that his willingness to comply would get Nick to release him. “I cut myself.”
“You what?” Nick and Howie both cried.
A manic light was in AJ’s eyes. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. His whole world was focused on that hand around his wrist. He didn’t see Nick anymore, but the face of the man who had held his wrists. “I cut myself. No more soft skin, don’t you see? No more, no more, no more. Not again. No, no, no. They can’t say I’m soft anymore. Not so much like a girl.” AJ’s other arm came, wrapping around his waist, but he made no move to pull away from Nick’s grip. Instead he closed his eyes and started to shake his head as the panic and hysteria hit him like a freight train. “I wanted to show them, it’s not so soft now. No more, no MORE, NO MORE.” His voice rose by the end of the sentence, and his shaking moved from his head to his whole body.
Nick’s anger gave way in the face of AJ’s hysteria. Even as Brian was yelling out “Nick, let go of him, quickly!” He was pulling lightly on AJ’s wrist, trying to get his attention. It had the opposite effect. AJ cried out and swung his free hand, clocking Nick right in the side of his head. Reflexively Nick dropped AJ’s hand. The hit hadn’t been a love tap. Then he tried to reach out as AJ started knocking things off the dresser. “No more!” AJ shrieked as his panic took over his whole world. He didn’t see Nick backing away from him, or Brian launching up off the bed.
A pair of hands touched him, and AJ started to fight like a wild thing. He flung his fists anywhere he could get them, connecting on occasion. But the hands just grabbed him, wrapping him in a strong pair of arms. AJ kicked and shrieked and tried to fight as hard as he could. At first he didn’t hear the voice in his ear. It slowly broke through his mania. “Alex, baby, stop! It’s Brian. I’m here, I’ve got you. It’s Brian. Feel me. Smell, can you smell the difference? I’ve got you, no one else. You’re not there. It’s not them. They’re not here, they’re gone. I’ve got you, oh baby, I’ve got you.”
“No more.” AJ moaned, his struggles slowing. “No more.”
“No, baby. No more. You’re safe now. I’m here, and I’ll keep you safe.”
AJ buried his face against Brian, inhaling the scent that was purely him. “Don’t let them touch me. I don’t want them to touch me.” He whispered.
“No one’s going to touch you, baby.” Brian reassured him. He looked to the others, telling them “Wait for me in the living area, please. Give me ten minutes.” Then he turned back to AJ, trusting his friends to follow his wishes. All of his attention was focused on AJ, on getting him over to the bed. Very gently he laid him down, tucking the blankets up over him. “I’m going to go talk to the guys, ok baby?” he whispered as he smoothed AJ’s hair back. The young man was already woozy, a result of the panic and the Valium. “But I promise I’ll be right back. No one’s going to bother you in here, ok? No one but me will come through that door.”
“I trust you, Bri.” AJ mumbled. He felt a vague embarrassment, but it was washed away under the calming waves of the Valium. He was asleep before Brian left the room.
~~~~~~~~~
Almost as soon as Brian shut the bedroom door and turned to his friends he was assaulted with questions. “Is he ok?” Howie demanded, his face alight with worry. “That’s two of those in twenty four hours. Are you sure he’s ready to be back on the road?”
“He’ll be fine. His counselor said the first week would be extremely difficult for him, but she says that after that he should start to dramatically improve.” Brian answered. His eyes never left Nick’s face, though. The shame and worry he saw there took a slight edge off his temper, but not enough. Nowhere near enough. He stalked forward, one finger raised to point at Nick. “When he’s awake, you owe him one hell of an apology, Nicholas.”
“I didn’t know he’d panic like that just because I was touching him, Bri. I didn’t know any of it. I’m so sorry.” Nick was quick to apologize. He already felt like shit for what had happened in there.
Brian shook his head. “No, that parts fine. You didn’t know that. But the rest of it? Charging in to his room to yell at him? You obviously read the damn article! Knowing what you read in there, how on earth could you think he would react well to you coming in and shouting at him? Why didn’t you calmly knock and ask us what was going on? Did you seriously have to shout at him?”
“I-I wasn’t thinking.” Nick dropped his head down and felt even guiltier. He hadn’t meant for that to happen. He hadn’t wanted to hurt AJ. “I’ll apologize to him, if he’ll talk to me.”
“He will. He’s so damn quick to blame all this on himself. He’ll probably try to come find you and apologize for freaking out.” Brian said tiredly. He ran a hand over his face, as exhausted as if he had been the one to have the panic attack. A few places were starting to ache from where AJ’s fists had connected. After a deep breath he looked up at them all. “I do want to make one thing clear, though.” He looked them each in the face, wanting to stress the importance of this. “Do not mention his cutting to him. If he brings it up, it’s one thing. He stopped the drugs, he stopped the alcohol, but the cutting is the hardest. I know he’s done more. He hides it from me, but I know. I’ve stripped him to put him in bed.”
It was Howie who voiced the question they were all thinking. “What was that part, Brian? I didn’t understand. All the ‘no more’ and that thing about skin.” Even when Brian had told Kevin about finding AJ cutting himself he hadn’t explained the significance of the skin. But it seemed that now he didn’t have a choice. “There were six of them in the room, and each one of them taunted him about how soft his skin was. Like a girls. He seems to think that the cutting ruins that. Ruins his skin. If it’s not soft anymore, maybe he won’t be that victim anymore. That’s where the no more comes in. No more soft skin. No more victim.”
His words had a strong effect on his friends. All of their hearts ached for their friend; their brother. Brian rubbed at his face again and sighed. “As soon as he wakes up, we’ll have to get together and talk. Figure out what we’re going to do. I have no idea what he’ll want. He has a tendency to surprise me on those things, so I don’t try to predict them anymore. But it’ll take a few hours for the Valium to wear off all the way. Then again, sometimes he burns it off really fast after an attack. With one that severe, well, I don’t know. But I’ll come get you guys, ok?”
“We’ll be in my room.” Kevin reassured him. “Come whenever you’re ready. We’re here for the both of you.”
With a half-smile, Brian nodded. When they were gone he stood in the center of the room and wondered who had spilled the story, and what was going to happen because of it.