Their ride back to the hotel was quiet. In the back of their car they had the privacy to snuggle against one another. Brian drew strength from the physical contact, knowing that he was going to need it when they arrived at the hotel where they wouldn’t even be able to hold hands on the way to their rooms. That brought to mind an important question. What was he going to tell his friends and family? He was terrified to tell them that he had another hole in his heart.
But the doctor didn’t want him to wait. Logically, Brian knew he couldn’t wait. This wasn’t something that would just sit for two months and wait for him to be done. If he continued as he was, he knew the dangers that could happen. That meant that he had to tell them. Had to explain that he needed to go see his cardiologist. That also meant that the last two months of tour would be cancelled. His guilt tripled as he thought of how many shows that was going to be.
“Quit beating yourself up.” AJ’s voice said suddenly.
Brian jumped as if pricked with a pin. He turned his head to look at AJ, eyebrows raised in surprise. His lover just chucked and gave his hand a squeeze. “You’re thinking so loudly I can hear the gears grinding.”
“Oh, shove it.”
“When, where, and how hard?”
The smart ass response had Brian laughing, which he knew was exactly what AJ wanted. It lightened his mood enough to be able to tease back. “Anytime, anywhere, and as hard as you want.” He said softly. Even in the shadows, Brian could see AJ’s eyes glaze a little. The growl his lover gave had him shivering. God, he loved it when AJ growled. The man had so many different ways of doing it. When he was angry it was low growl that warned you that you were pushing too far. Or when he thought that someone was being an idiot. Or this one, the one that heated Brian’s blood every time.
AJ leaned in and whispered in Brian’s ear. “I’ll get you in that hotel room tonight and take you right there against the front door so that anyone walking past can hear the thumping as I slam into you over and over again. You’ll bite your lip just to keep the screams in, but you won’t be able to fight it…” AJ continued to describe what he was going to do. By the time he was done, Brian was shifting in his seat, trying to ease the pressure in his jeans.
His breathing was heavy again, but not because of his heart this time. “That wasn’t fair, AJ.” He breathed out. AJ just sat back in his seat and grinned. “Shouldn’t play the game if you aren’t ready for the consequences.” He said simply.
“How am I supposed to walk into the hotel like this? We’re almost there!”
“How does that song go?” AJ asked, looking at him for a second. Then his face light. “Oh yeah!” With a wink he started to sing. “I try to think about Elvis. Memphis. Oprah in the afternoon. I try to think about palm trees. Fig leaves. The creature from the black lagoon. I try to think about high heels and good deals. Anything to get me through. I just can't concentrate. You're all I think about these days.”
That was enough of a distraction to have Brian almost forgetting about how turned on he was. He turned in his seat enough to gape at AJ. “You know a Patty Loveless song?” he asked in shock. AJ did not seem the type to listen to country, let alone an older country song.
AJ grinned at him. “I am an enigma, darling. You will never figure me out. There are depths to me no one has ever seen.”
“Some of those are probably best left unseen.”
A finger jabbed in Brian’s ribs, making him jump and laugh. Right about then they pulled into the privet parking area of the hotel. All the nerves that AJ had chased away came flying back at Brian. He was quiet as they parked, and as they climbed from the car. He stood in the shelter of the parking area and stared at the hotel. Up there were three of his closest friends, and he was terrified to go talk to them. Absolutely terrified.
He felt a bump against his arm, drawing him out of his thoughts. AJ’s warm eyes were watching him, not judging, not criticizing, just full of love and support. “You ready?”
“I don’t know if I can do this.” Brian admitted. He took a deep breath and turned to stare at the hotel. “They’re going to flip. Everyone’s going to flip.”
“They will. But they love you, Bri. They’ll get beyond the flipping and be there for you.”
Brian shook his head. He wasn’t ready to tell them. Once he did, people were going to start treating him differently. Alternating between treating him as if he was made of glass to acting like he needed to be tough and just pretend that everything was ok. It had been hard to go through the first time. “I’m not ready to tell them yet.”
Before AJ could argue with him, Brian set off toward the hotel. AJ didn’t take long to catch up with him. “You have to, Bri. They have to know why tour won’t be finished.”
“Who says I’m cancelling tour? With these meds I could probably make it just fine over the next two months. I could just go then.”
His words stopped AJ in his tracks. Brian took advantage of the moment to keep walking. He chewed on his lip, not sure where this was coming from. He just knew that he couldn’t do this right now. The fear of dealing with the others was too strong. If he waited the two months, no one would have to know what he was doing. He wouldn’t have to tell them. And he wouldn’t have to explain to them why he was going to keep AJ as close to his side as possible. He wouldn’t have to fake it around them.
AJ caught up with him at the hotel entrance, but he kept his cool until they were inside the elevator. On his face Brian could see the temper building. He braced himself for the tirade he knew was coming. Sure enough the instant the doors closed AJ turned to him. “What the hell did you mean?”
“I thought I was pretty clear.” Brian said calmly. Much more calmly than he felt. Inside, his stomach was churning.
“It sounded to me like you plan on waiting for two fucking months. You can’t do this! She said you need to get in ASAP.”
“I’m not going through this with them. If I wait, I won’t have to tell anyone about it, or explain the way I’m going to need you, Alex. It’s just easier.”
AJ’s face was a mask of pure shock. “You’re going to procrastinate on your health because you don’t want to listen to people’s bullshit? Are you fucking kidding me?” he shouted.
Right at that moment the doors of the elevator opened to let them off on their floor. Brian moved quickly, wanting to head straight to his or AJ’s room, he wasn’t sure which. Just anywhere that wasn’t the middle of the hallway. He wanted privacy if AJ was going to shout at him. Much to his frustration, AJ snagged his arm halfway down the hall and stopped him.
“You’re serious about this? They need to know!” AJ exclaimed.
Brian glanced frantically around them. No one was out there, and most of them should either be at a club or in bed, but he didn’t want to take a chance of someone coming out. “Will you keep your voice down? I made my decision, and it’s final.”
“You think so, do you?” AJ growled at him. Something on his face had Brian thinking ‘oh shit’. Very rarely did he manage to piss AJ off. Oh, sure, the others had. Lots of people had. But AJ had pretty good patience when it came to Brian. That wasn’t to say that they hadn’t ever fought. But a squabble between them was one thing. Brian could tell that he’d managed to supremely piss AJ off. The rational part of his brain understood why, and agreed with him. The part that was ruled by fear, though, thought only of self-preservation. “AJ…” he started warningly. “Whatever you’re thinking, don’t do it. No one needs to know.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.”
With those cryptic words, AJ let go of Brian’s arm. He took a deep breath, as if to sigh, then threw his head back and let out the loudest yell that Brian had ever heard. Instinctively he reached his hands up and covered his ears until it was done. He knew his eyes were wide as he stared at AJ. His first thought was ‘What the hell?’ But as doors up and down the hallway started to open, AJ’s intentions became clear.
Glaring daggers, Brian watched as the hall started to fill with his fellow backstreet members. Just his luck, they were all there, as well as security. Kevin was the first one to come rushing toward them, wiping sleep from his eyes. “What the hell’s going on out here?” he demanded. “Where have you two been? We’ve been trying to reach you all night! You disappear from the show when it’s done and then just show up here shouting?”
“Brian has something he wants to tell you guys.” AJ said calmly.
“The hell I do. Leave it alone, AJ.”
Though his face was still firm there was softness in AJ’s eyes that told Brian he didn’t like doing what he was doing, but he saw no other choice. Even understanding why AJ was doing this wasn’t taking the edge away from the small hysteria that was building in Brian. “They deserve to know, Rok.”
Concern etched Kevin’s face as he turned to his cousin. “Brian? What’s going on?” he asked. Nick and Howie stepped closer, on the opposite side of Brian and AJ than where Kevin was standing. They made a complete circle.
Brian closed his eyes tightly. He didn’t want to do this. Didn’t want to go down this road again. A small part of him thought that if he told no one, maybe it would go away. It wouldn’t be real. But those tests didn’t lie.
It was Nick who spoke up, and what he said had everyone looking at him. “Is this about you and AJ?” he asked quietly.
Both Brian and AJ stared at Nick in shock. The meaning behind those words was clear. Nick knew about their relationship, and if they didn’t say something, he was going to tell everyone.
~~~~~~~~~
AJ stared at Nick. How the hell did the little shit know? Annoyance seeped through him. The only way he could know would be if he’d been spying on them, or listening to them. That fucking little, well, shit. As he watched them all, watched Nick and Brian, he decided that he wouldn’t speak. This was going to be Brian’s choice on how he wanted to play things.
“What about Brian and AJ?” Howie asked. He glanced curiously from one to the other.
If it hadn’t been so serious, watching Brian’s face would have been funny. He was gaping like a fish. But he just crossed his arms and stared into Brian’s eyes as if to say ‘What now, buddy?’
Something in Brian’s eyes firmed. He gave a barely perceptible nod. “We’ll talk about this later.” He said to AJ. With a shrug, AJ waited. It was worth having Brian yell at him later if it got him to not be stupid. He needed to go see the cardiologist as soon as possible. Not in two months. Not when there was a chance of serious complications the longer that he waited. AJ was willing to sacrifice anything, even their relationship, if it meant that Brian stayed alive.
Sighing, Brian slanted his gaze to Nick, and there was annoyance in every line of his body. “First things first,” he said. “Part of it is about AJ. But I want to know how you know about that?”
A blush stained Nick’s cheeks. He looked down at his foot as he scuffed the carpet. “I uh, heard it. Through your door.”
“You were listening at my door?”
“Just once. Or, uh, twice.”
“Thanks for that respect, Nick.” His words were cutting, and Nick flinched back from them. AJ felt a moment of pity for the blond headed kid. Sometimes they all forgot that Nick was the youngest of them, and still prone to acting like their little brother. To himself AJ made a mental note; later on he would find Nick and talk to him, make sure he knew that it was ok. Also, he’d talk to Brian and try to get him cooled off where Nick was concerned. Now he focused his attention as Brian started to speak again.
“I’ve been having problems lately, so AJ took me to the doctor tonight. That’s why we didn’t answer.” At the questions that rose to peoples lips, Brian held a hand up as a gesture for silence. It was obvious that now he was started, he wanted to get it all out. “They did an MRI and an echocardiography.” To the side of them came a gasp, but Brian didn’t look at his cousin. The only person who would recognize what those two tests together were done for. Brian just continued on. “They show I have something called ASD. Basically, at the top of my heart is another hole. I have to take these meds and go see my cardiologist as soon as possible.”
The entire hallway fell silent. While he had them all silent, Brian looked over at AJ. There was something in his eyes, something that AJ wasn’t sure he believed he saw. Was he really going to? A smile curved Brian’s lips and that familiar sparkle entered his eyes, and all AJ could find himself thinking was ‘Holy shit, he’s really going to do it!’
“As for what Nick was talking about, well…” Brian trailed off, taking a step toward AJ. With all the bravery he had inside of him he brought his hands up to cup AJ’s face and arched up enough to press their lips together once, twice, ever so gently. Then he pulled away, moving so that AJ wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and Brian had his arm around AJ’s waist. “I think that answers everything.”